Off Limits (10 page)

I walked out, quietly closing the door behind me. I leaned against the wall in the hall for a moment, my throat aching, my gut feeling like a giant fist was squeezing it.

For the rest of that school year I saw Jenna here and there. She didn’t come to my games. We saw each other back in Greenfield at Christmas. She got a job near Hanover and stayed there all summer, while I went to Los Angeles
to the Kings’ training camp. I worked my ass off and made the team that year. I never went back to college.

I ran for nearly an hour, and as I jogged up to the house Jenna came out the door, wearing her puffy jacket and a big scarf around her neck.

With all those memories fresh in my mind, I had to fight back the guilt that had resurfaced. Not to mention the heat that had built, remembering what it had been like to sleep with her.

“Hey.” I paused, breathing hard. “Where are you
going?”

“Just for a walk. I thought some fresh air would be good.”

“Yeah, me too. Needed exercise.” Then for some reason I said, “I’ll walk with you.”

She eyed me, taking in my sweaty and no doubt red face. “You haven’t had enough exercise?”

“I need to cool down. Or…” I hesitated. “Did you want to be alone?”

Her smile was lopsided and she shook her head. “That’s okay. You can come with me.”

We started down the road. The neighborhood had the feel of being in the country, with houses set far back from the street, and lots of trees, now bare and black against the bright blue sky. Our feet crunched the snow as we walked.

“It’s a nice day.” Jenna tipped her head back, face to the weak sun.

“Yeah.”

“What was the great idea you mentioned earlier?”

“Oh. Right.” I sucked in a breath.
“I should maybe tell your mom and dad first.”

She sent me a sideways look, frowning. “Why? What is it?”

I hesitated. “I’m going to buy the house.”

“What house?”

“Your mom and dad’s house.”

Her eyes bugged out. “What? Why?”

I paused again. “Because I want somewhere to come home to.”

She stopped walking and turned to face me. Damn, she was so pretty. Her blue eyes searched mine. “Andrew…we’ll
always be your family.”

My chest tightened. “I know.”

“Do you?” Her lips pursed. “Even if Mom and Dad sell the house, you’ll have somewhere to come home to.”

“Not really.” Fuck, there it was, my worst fear. “They’re going to buy a condo. They might have a spare room, but hell, I’m a big guy, I like to spread out. I can’t see spending months with them in that kind of close quarters. And they
won’t want that either.”

“So you think you won’t be able to come back to Greenfield in the summers if they move.”

“Well, I could if I have my own place. This makes sense. I love that house and I can afford it. Plus, I’m twenty-six years old. I need my own place. Even if they were staying in the house, I should really have my own home.”

“What will you do when you’re away?”

“I can pay someone
to take care of it. Check on it and make sure the pipes don’t freeze, shovel the walk, mow the grass, that kind of stuff.”

She nodded, still watching me, her eyes soft. “Connor and Dad would probably do that for nothing.”

“Yeah. Probably. But your parents are moving because they don’t want to look after a big house anymore.”

She sucked briefly on her bottom lip, and when she released it I wanted
to bend down and run my tongue over it. Christ.

“I guess it does make sense.”

“Sure it does.” I took her arm and nudged her to keep walking. Somehow we ended up arm in arm and I fit my longer-legged stride to hers. “It makes perfect sense. It’s win-goddamn-win.”

She laughed and the sound was like musical bells in the crisp air. “Somehow I think you could afford a way nicer house than ours.”

I grinned. “Possibly.”

“You still seem like such a normal guy.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re rich and famous, Andrew.” She bumped me with her shoulder. “You should be all pumped-up ego and cocky and spoiled.”

“Maybe I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I don’t drink Coat of Roan or whatever the hell that wine was.”

She choked and squeezed my arm. “You probably drink way more expensive wine than that.”

“Possibly. But I still don’t know how to pronounce it.” She gave a big sigh and I didn’t even want to guess what that was about. “He wasn’t good enough for you, peanut.”

“You said that before.”

I didn’t know what to say next. I was probably supposed to reassure her that she’d find that special someone. Barf. Nah, I couldn’t get those words out.

Fuck.

“I’m okay,” Jenna said. “Really.”

She
looked up at me and I shouldn’t have stared into those pretty blue eyes because I got lost in them. “I know you are. You’re great.”

She smiled and, fuck, the whole snowy world spun around us into a white, silver, and blue blur, and it was just her and me standing on the road gazing into each other’s eyes. I couldn’t stop myself from looking at her mouth, that soft full mouth I still remembered
the taste of. The need to touch her and taste her again surged through me like electrical energy.

I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do it.

I closed my eyes briefly and started walking again.

When we got back to the house, Gary, Daniel, and Connor were in the great room watching
Bad Santa,
drinking beer, and killing themselves laughing. Emily was lying on the floor with Christopher beside her, staring
into his mom’s eyes and cooing and kicking his legs. That was pretty cute.

We got drinks and sat down too, though I’d seen this movie ten times.

At the end of it, and several beers—or glasses of wine for Jenna—later, Emily said with a wistful note in her voice, “I wish we could’ve gotten a picture of Christopher on Santa’s lap.”

“You didn’t take him to see Santa?” Jenna asked.

“We did. But
he screamed his head off.”

Why the idea came to me, I had no clue, it might have been the beers, but I remembered the old Santa suit Gary’d had. I was pretty sure I’d seen it down in the storage part of the basement in a plastic tote box. Without saying anything, I rose and went downstairs to see if it was there.

It was. I grinned. It was crazy, but what the hell. In my room, I stripped down
to my T-shirt and boxers and then donned the plush red-and-white suit. I added the fake beard and hat, then stuffed a pillow inside the jacket. I looked at myself in the mirror as I adjusted the belt over my new belly. “Ho ho ho.”

Yeah, that was pathetic. Whatever.

I grabbed the bells and started up the stairs, jingling them.

In the kitchen, Brenda froze and looked at me with wide eyes. Then
she burst out laughing, collapsing against the counter. “What on earth are you doing?”

“Emily wants a picture of Christopher with Santa.”

“Oh my God.”

She followed me into the great room.

“Ho ho ho!” This time I added a little more energy and jingled the bells.

Everyone turned to stare. Connor and Daniel cracked up, Connor actually falling off the couch onto the floor.

“You’re fucking crazy,”
Daniel wheezed.

Gary grinned, Jenna giggled, and Emily just stared. Then Emily picked up Christopher. “Look, Chris. It’s Santa!”

Christopher gazed at me with a little crease between his eyes.

“Is he going to scream?” I asked nervously. Crying babies had to be the scariest thing in the world.

Emily bit her lip, smiling. “Not sure.”

“Get your camera,” I told Daniel. “You want a picture of your
son on Santa’s lap or not?”

Still shaking with laughter, Daniel rose and sprinted upstairs to get his iPhone. I sat in the armchair he’d vacated and patted my lap. “Come here, little boy.”

“That sounds really creepy.” Connor smirked.

“You have a filthy mind.”

“True.” Connor nodded, unoffended.

Emily lifted Christopher and handed him to me and I settled him into my arms. This was the first
time I’d held him. I felt huge, holding such a tiny person, and kind of awkward, but Christopher just seemed fascinated by me. He stared at me, with an almost perplexed expression. No, wait, I knew exactly what his expression was—he was saying “What the fuck?” inside his little baby head. I grinned at him and he gave me a big toothless smile back.

I caught Jenna watching us with such a tender,
warm expression, my heart kicked against my sternum. I swallowed and refocused on Christopher.

Daniel thudded down the stairs, holding his phone. “Okay. Great. He’s not bawling.”

He fired off a few pictures and checked them on the screen, Emily peering over his arm at them. She beamed. “Oh, those are beautiful! Look at you two.”

Daniel showed me a picture and I nodded. “Great.”

“Thank you,
Andrew.” Emily took Christopher from me, then bent and kissed my cheek. “That was so awesome. These pictures of him with Uncle Andrew will be so special.”

Uncle Andrew. My throat tightened.

“Well, I put this suit on. While I’m here, who else wants to sit on Santa’s lap?” I looked around jokingly.

“I do.” Jenna jumped up.

Shit.

The beard suddenly itched me and my skin prickled under the heavy
suit. What was she doing? Apparently she was drunker than I was. “Okay,” I said heartily. “Come sit on Santa’s lap. But keep your hands off my huge sack.”

Oh my fuck, I did not just say that in front of Gary and Brenda. But everyone was laughing again, including Jenna, who slid onto my lap. “Santa,” she breathed, “I’ve been a little naughty.”

My brows flew up as I automatically set my hands
on her. “Uh. Well. There are ways to make up for being naughty.”

She gave me a sultry smile that had my body vibrating and my brain shorting out. “Oh really?” She patted my fake beard. “Can I jingle your bells?”

I shot a nervous glance at Brenda and Gary but they were collapsed in laughter. I leaned closer to Jenna so only she could hear. “If you jingle my bells, I’ll definitely give you a white
Christmas.”

Jenna convulsed in giggles. Even in our amusement, heat built around us, and goddammit, the guy downstairs stirred beneath the ridiculous red plush. Hopefully she didn’t notice.

Outta luck on that one. Jenna now whispered to me, “Well, it’s big and it’s hard, but it’s not what I asked for.”

“Sure about that, little girl?”

Our eyes met in an explosion of sparks. Our faces were almost
touching and I could see every silver fleck in her blue eyes, every dark eyelash surrounding them. My body buzzed with electricity.

“Ahem.”

I blinked and turned my head to see the entire family staring at us. I sucked in air. I wanted to throw Jenna off my lap. Well, really, I wanted to keep her there and be a very bad Santa, but fuck, her family was all standing there watching us and things
were getting a tad uncomfortable. If I hotfooted it out of there, I’d be leaving her to deal with the fallout by herself. So I had to make this right.

I grinned. “Come on, someone get a picture of this, for Chrissake. Jenna’s on Santa’s lap.”

Daniel shook his head and lifted his phone again. “Right.” Jenna leaned her head into mine and we both smiled for the camera even though sparks kept shooting
back and forth between us.

As if Jenna knew what I was doing, she turned to give me a breezy smile and pecked my cheek. “Thank you, Santa.”

“My pleasure.” And whoa, I really meant that.

“
This
is going on Instagram,” Daniel muttered, busy with his phone. Great.

Jenna slid off me and straightened her sweater. “So. I guess we better get dinner on the table.”

Dad went to pick up Grandma MacFadden from the nursing home to bring her over for Christmas dinner. I hadn’t seen her either for a while, which also made me feel a little guilty.

“Keep the suit on till Grandma’s here,” Daniel told Andrew. “See how much she freaks out.”

“Really?” Andrew looked doubtful.

“She’ll get a kick out of it.”

“Santa did visit the home for the Christmas
party,” Mom said. “When he tried to give her a present, she said, ‘Stay away from me, you fat creepy bastard.’ ”

We all cracked up laughing again.

“In that case, I’m taking this off.” Andrew headed downstairs.

I shook my head, smiling, still buzzing a little from sitting on his lap and flirting with him. Yes, I’d had a few glasses of wine. It was a good thing Jon wasn’t here to see us; he’d
really be suspicious after that little scene.

I sighed.

“You okay, sweetie?” Mom touched my back.

“Oh yeah.” I looked down at the potato I was peeling. “Totally. I guess the fact that I don’t even miss Jon means I didn’t really care that much.”

“Oh. Uh, I didn’t mean…never mind.”

I frowned, but Mom was opening the oven door to baste the turkey. Emily and Daniel joined us in the kitchen, placing
the baby monitor on the counter.

“Christopher must be exhausted from his visit with Santa,” Daniel said. “What can we do, Mom?”

Somehow Mom ended up sitting at the kitchen island with a glass of red wine, directing us all as to what needed to be done, in between barking out orders and muttering about needing more wine before her mother-in-law showed up.

I had to bite my lip on a smile. My grandma
was a character and she and Mom had barely gotten along at the best of times, both of them strong-willed ladies, but now that Grandma had lost many of her faculties, it was even more of a challenge dealing with her.

Dad and Grandma arrived. He carried in her walker and unfolded it for her, then took her coat. She was now probably under five feet tall; at one point she and I had been the same
height, but apparently she was rapidly shrinking. I went to her to give her a hug.

“Who’s that?” she snapped at me. She was nearly blind from macular degeneration.

“Jenna.”

“Who?”

“Jenna!” I yelled. She was also nearly deaf but refused to wear her hearing aids.

“Oh, Jenna! Hello!” She hugged me back.

The rest of the family all greeted her, yelling out their names as they hugged her. Then
Dad took her into the great room, moving slower than rush-hour traffic in Manhattan, and got her settled in a chair with a glass of beer. She’d never been a big drinker, but on special occasions she did like some beer. She’d always say, “Just a little, don’t open a bottle for me, pour me a taste of yours.” Then she’d ask for a little more, and a little more, until she’d drunk the whole bottle anyway.

Andrew heaved the turkey out of the oven at Mom’s direction and set it at the end of the counter to rest.

“Andrew, can you mash the potatoes?” Mom asked. “You’re the strongest.”

“What the hell?” Conner glared at Mom. “He’s not stronger than me.”

Mom gave a delicate snort.

Connor lifted his chin at Andrew. “Come on. Bring it. Arm wrestle. Winner mashes the potatoes.”

“Dude.” Andrew smirked.
“You can mash the potatoes, if you want to that bad.”

“Nah, I wanna show everyone.”

Andrew shook his head and they moved to the island, one on each side, and gripped hands. Staring at each other, faces locked into intent lines, they put all their strength into trying to wrestle the other’s hand to the counter. Connor put in a good effort, but it didn’t take Andrew long to slam his arm down.
Unfortunately his elbow knocked Mom’s glass of wine over. The glass broke and red wine poured along the counter and onto the floor. “Shit!”

Mom leaped up. “Oh my God, oh my God.”

“Calm down, Mom, it’s fine.” I hurried over with some towels.

Andrew stopped me. “Watch for the broken glass. Shit, I’m sorry, Brenda.”

I could see the dismay on his face and how annoyed he was with himself. He always
hated to disappoint Mom or Dad.

Mom patted his shoulder. “It’s fine. It can be cleaned up. Though that is a waste of good wine.”

“We have lots,” I assured her.

Andrew’s lips curved up but his eyes stayed shadowed as he picked up broken glass and mopped up. Connor went and got paper towels and then a broom to sweep up any stray pieces of glass.

“Okay.” Andrew squared his shoulders once it was
cleaned and he’d poured Mom a new glass of wine. “I have some potatoes to mash.”

Connor grumbled something about being a show-off but moved to get the electric knife for carving the turkey out of a high cabinet.

Eventually we were all seated at the big dining room table with our plates full, Christopher on Daniel’s lap while Daniel ate with one hand.

I was seated next to Grandma, so I tried
to tell her about our horse-drawn sleigh ride and skating the day before. I had to yell it several times before she understood.

“You went skating?”

“Yes!”

“Why didn’t you call me?” Grandma frowned. “I like to skate.”

My eyebrows flew up. “Well, you used to.”

Grandma didn’t hear that. “I still have my skates. I could’ve skated with you.”

I looked at Mom and Dad and they shook their heads—no,
she didn’t still have her skates.

I sucked my bottom lip briefly, unsure how to proceed. Then I shrugged. “Well, sorry we didn’t think of you, Grandma.”

“I could use my walker on the ice,” she added. “Can I have a little more beer? Just a tiny bit.”

We all exchanged amused glances. Dad poured her more beer.

I watched Grandma struggle to find the food on her plate, poking her fork into nothing.
My heart squeezed in sympathy for her. I moved her hand slightly to help her find the turkey.

“After dinner we’re playing Pictionary,” Mom announced. “Our traditional Christmas Day Pictionary game.”

“Oh yay!” I loved Pictionary. “But you can’t put Connor and Daniel together. They have the same mind and it’s an unfair advantage.”

“We don’t have the same mind,” Connor objected. “It’s just that
we’re both very smart.”

We all laughed.

Dad said, “Andrew, who do you play against in your next—”

“There was a hamster parade through the hall last night,” Grandma said.

Silence fell.

Being almost deaf meant Grandma couldn’t hear what was going on, so she often interrupted at awkward moments with topics totally unrelated to the conversation.

Andrew looked at Dad and they both closed their
mouths, clearly unsure how to respond to Grandma’s announcement. As were the rest of us.

“Um…hamsters?”

“They were wearing red jackets and some of them were playing horns.”

I met Dad’s eyes, mine big enough to pop out. He simply gave a small smile and shook his head. On the other side of me, Mom quietly said, “She’s been having these hallucinations. They think it’s because she’s kind of isolated
in her own head, being blind and deaf.”

Sadness swamped me and I nodded. “Sucks to get old,” I muttered, bending my head.

Although she was a little thing, Grandma kept eating. And eating. She requested more turkey, then more stuffing, then more potatoes. She complained the gravy wasn’t hot enough and I jumped up to reheat it. I swore she ate more than Andrew, Connor, and Daniel—three big guys—combined.
And then she ate dessert.

“Great dinner, Brenda,” Andrew said when we’d finally all finished. He patted his rock-hard abs. “I might go into a coma now.”

Everyone agreed dinner had been awesome. Mom’s cooking skills were improving. Although, come to think of it, the rest of us had done most of the cooking. Ah well. We still complimented Mom.

We made short work of getting leftovers put away and
dishes done. Then Grandma opened the presents Mom and Dad had gotten her—two new sweaters and box of her favorite chocolates, which she wasn’t supposed to have, but it was Christmas. “I don’t think this sweater will fit me,” she said, holding it in her hands and peering at it. “It looks awfully small. Are you sure this isn’t for that baby?”

Everyone exchanged smiles. “Christopher,” Daniel said.
“Your great-grandson. No, it’s not for him.”

“I think it’ll fit, Mom,” Mom said. “You’re pretty tiny these days.”

“What? It’s for the baby?”

We gave up. “Let’s play Pictionary,” Dad said.

“I brought a new game over,” Connor said. “Let’s play that. Grandma can’t play Pictionary.”

“What’s the new game?”

“Dirty Minds.”

Mom laughed. “You think that’s better for your grandmother?”

Connor grinned.
“It’s actually an advantage in this game if you
don’t
have a dirty mind. That’s why she’s on my team. We need to pair up. I’m with Grandma.”

Daniel and Emily, and Mom and Dad paired off, leaving Andrew and me to team up.

Great. I gave him a fake smile, which he returned, but when our eyes met heat flared.

I just had to focus on the game.

“The person who bought the game always goes first,”
Connor said.

We all hooted. “Come on!”

“No, seriously. It says that right here.” He showed us one of the little booklets.

I sat back and frowned. “Huh.”

Connor shouted how to play the game at Grandma, drew a card, and said, “Okay, Andrew and Jenna, you’re on our right so read us the first puzzle clues in your book.”

Andrew and I exchanged a look. He nodded and I read the clues. I blinked.
I looked up at Connor, then Dad and Mom. “Really? You want to play this game?”

Connor grinned. “Come on. Don’t be a prude.”

“I’m not a prude!” I huffed. “Okay, fine. Here are the clues. I’m long, hard, and my tip points up.”

Everyone guffawed.

“What’s that?” Grandma asked.

My cheeks heated. “Do I really have to yell these out?”

“Yep.”

I yelled out the first clues again, then added, “A monkey
sometimes rides me! At just the right moment, I shoot off!”

“Okay,” Connor yelled at Grandma. “We can guess or pass.”

“A rocket,” Grandma stated.

I frowned. “Shit. She’s right.”

Connor tried to give Grandma a high five but she didn’t see it.

Even Mom and Dad thought the game was hilarious. Andrew was giving everyone a run for their money. The clues were read—“I throb when I’m excited, a massage
brings me back to life, and pumping is my business.” I looked at him. All I could think about was Andrew’s hard cock, throbbing and pumping. My entire body went burning hot. “Heart,” Andrew answered calmly. We did a fist bump.

In the end, Connor and Grandma were the surprise winners, but I was all wound up because every damn dirty clue made me think of sex with Andrew.

And from the way Andrew
was looking at me, I was pretty sure he was thinking the same.

Dad left to drive Grandma back to the home, driving Connor too, since he’d had a lot to drink. Mom went upstairs to bed, as did Emily, Daniel, and Christopher, and Andrew and I were alone.

We sat on the couch in front of the fireplace, the great room now quiet. I still had half a glass of red wine. “That was fun.”

“Yeah.” Andrew
nodded. “It was.”

“Poor Grandma.” I looked down at my wine. “She’s really losing it.”

“Yeah. But what can you do? She’s looked after.”

“I know. It’s just sad. There was a time she totally would have come skating with us. And now…it’s so sad that she thinks she still can, when she can barely walk.”

“She might be in denial about how much she’s lost.”

I nodded. “Yeah. Or she could just be completely
out of touch with reality.”

He touched his glass to mine. “Maybe that’s good. Because sometimes reality sucks.”

Our eyes met. A muscle twitched in his jaw. Heat built and expanded around us.

I knew what he was talking about, and my throat constricted. “Yeah. Sometimes it really does.” I studied him. My throat ached, and I swallowed painfully. “Andrew.”

He didn’t answer but his jaw tightened.
Still, we looked into each other’s eyes.

“I love you,” I whispered, shocking myself by admitting it out loud.

His eyes darkened and his lips compressed. “Jesus, Jenna.”

He didn’t say it back. I knew he wouldn’t.

“It’s okay,” I said, as I had all those years ago. “I understand how much my family means to you.” Even back then when we’d spent that weekend together, I’d understood that the chances
of us being together forever were small. I’d loved him forever, but he had an amazing future ahead of him, and I didn’t know if that included me. When he moved away and I was heartbroken, how would my family deal with that? Andrew had lost one family already. How could he risk losing another? And how could I make him take that chance?

I knew being safe was important to him. I knew that was why
he wanted to buy the house. I knew that was why he couldn’t love me.

My heart reached out to him but it wasn’t enough. Filled with longing and sorrow, my chest aching, I closed my eyes briefly and lifted my glass to my lips to drain my wine. It was too hard sitting there with Andrew, alone, awareness sizzling between us, attraction and feelings that we couldn’t acknowledge. “I’m going to bed
too. Good night, Andrew.” I rose. “And Merry Christmas.”

He rose too, like the polite gentleman he was. His eyes were somber, his mouth sad. “Merry Christmas, Jenna.”

Mom’s open house was the next day. People started arriving around noon, coming and going in waves—neighbors, cousins, old friends. Andrew was the star of the show, being a famous hockey player now. From what I saw, he handled
it well, but I avoided him as much as possible. Mom and I kept busy putting out cookies and hot and cold appetizers, while Dad and Daniel served drinks. Around four o’clock the last guests finally left. I was exhausted from all the smiling and chatting and keeping a happy mask on.

Daniel and Emily left right after that, with hugs and kisses and a few tears. Okay, just my tears, and it was mostly
over Christopher. I carried him to the door while Daniel and Emily put on their boots and jackets. I kissed his forehead, breathing in his sweet baby scent, and hugged him to me. “I’m so happy to have you in our family,” I whispered to him. “You sweet boy.” My throat ached and I swallowed to ease the tightness. Then I handed him to Mom so I could hug Emily. “So good to see you again.”