Off the Cuff (7 page)

I also love
vintage denim
, which should always be in your wardrobe. You can spend thousands of dollars on it at a fancy vintage store, or you check out your local secondhand store. You can also buy new denim jeans that have been washed in certain enzymes and treated so that they're broken in and feel like a comfortable pair you've had for a lifetime. Jeans should have personality.

 

In terms of fit, jeans are by nature a little less smart and correct than other types of pants. They don't have to fit tightly like dress pants. I love when jeans look more relaxed, slouchy, and a little blown out.

A WORD OF CAUTION:
Low-slung jeans worn gangsta style make you look like you have a load in your pants. Let's leave that to our friends in the rap community, shall we? How do you know if you've gone too low? Well, if you can see your underwear or your pubic hair (and your name is not Britney or Christina), your low riders are too low. If the end of your fly zipper is at your knees, that's also a good sign your jeans are too loose. That's okay for the artist formerly known as Lil' Bow Wow, but not for you.

Despite your dirty fantasies, roughwear pants are just more rugged, outdoorsy pants for weekend wear. They include things like cargo pants and painters' pants—anything with a utility or workwear heritage. They pay homage to the blue-collar laborer who made this land of ours so great. And they look as hot today as they did when the WPA Act was introduced. Thank you, President Roosevelt! Roughwear pants are rugged, they're meant to take a licking, and there are so many options out there. One pair of pants I love, although they're no longer readily available, are the Alcatraz pants by G-Star, which are prison-inspired and super cool. Totally hot in an
Oz
kind of way.

 

Roughwear pants are generally reserved for outdoor activities like football games, weekend projects, trips to the Home Depot, and the gay rugby national championships. They're meant to be worn with a rugged boot or a bulky fisherman sweater or a barn jacket. They're mostly for winter wear. Who wants to be running around in cargo pants in the heat of the summer?

 

A WORD ABOUT CARGO PANTS:
Cargo pants are a fun fashion statement that have pretty much become a staple. I think they're here to stay, so you can feel pretty safe buying a pair. (I had a phase where I wore leather cargos and looked like I worked at Old Navy Germany. But ich digress.)

 

I know there is at least one suburban dad somewhere reading this who's thinking that cargo pants are way too “out there” for him. You have to get beyond that. I'm here for you. Cargos can add a sense of
youthfulness
to your look—as long as they fit well and don't have too many pockets. I would caution everyone to use them sparingly, though. If you can move the entire contents of your home or apartment just by putting things in your cargo pants, they probably have too many pockets. We have homes. We have offices. We don't need to load our cargos up with all of our life's possessions. If you don't have a home or an office, at least rent a locker at the airport or your local bowling alley. They're cargo pants, they're not a storage unit.

These are great for summer, the beach, and vacations. A pair of drawstring pants with a white T-shirt and flip-flops is a wonderful, easy breezy, relaxed kind of look, but drawstring pants probably don't fill a need other than that. They're sketchy because they're a little too close to elastic waistband pants, which are always the wrong answer. They can make you look like you're wearing pajamas in the middle of the day, which just screams elder care facility, or homelessness, or institutionalization. Not cute. So be careful.

Although most of America has gone casual, some people still need to get dressed up, either for work or for other settings like dates or nights on the town. Which brings us to the wide world of dress pants or “slacks,” as a lot of old ladies like to call them. (They're the same ones who call women's shirts “blouses.”) Here we're basically talking anything that's not khaki, cord, or denim.

 

Summer dress pants can made be of linen, lightweight cotton twill, poplin, or seersucker (I love saying that word!), while winter ones might be wool, heavyweight cotton twill, suede, leather, or yes, my favorite, cashmere blend.

 

The great thing about dress pants is you can add a variety of sport coats, sweaters, and patterned shirts to top them off. These will give you tremendous versatility. And you know how we love versatility in the gay community!

 

Generally, you'll get more bang for your buck if you buy a couple pairs of solid-colored, well-fitting dress pants. No pleats, please. If you have a pair in gray flannel, a pair in black or navy wool, and you throw in a herringbone or tweed pant, you'll have the ammo to pair them up with interesting shirts and sweaters and make lots of interesting looks. For summer, lighten the color palette to include sand, white, and classic navy.

 

Don't forget the proper accoutrements. It's important that you have dress shoes, a dress belt, and a beautiful shirt to go with your dress pants. Sneakers with dress pants and a T-shirt is a cute look for Ashton Kutcher (a former model) or me (a stylist), but it's definitely not for amateurs. It will inevitably make you look like you're on your way to the typing pool at IBM. Do they even have typing pools anymore? Discuss.

 

By the way, dress socks go with dress shoes that go with dress pants. They shouldn't be athletic socks or tube socks. And they shouldn't be women's hosiery. Yikes!

Just like pants, it's a jungle out there as far as shorts are concerned. But to make it easier on you, my rules for shorts are pretty much the same as my rules for pants: Avoid pleats, and make sure they
fit
, which includes the fit of the rise and the seat. Stay away from elastic waistbands and drawstrings.

 

To me, shorts are really for weekends and
vacations
—not for the office. They were conceived for casual country club or beachside living, which is important to remember when you pair them with shoes. Shorts are meant to be worn with a classic tennis shoe, a sandal, flip-flop, driving moc, loafer, or boat shoe. Wearing any other kind of lace-up shoes with shorts is always the wrong answer. The only people who pull it off are the postal workers. And we all know how edgy they are! I also want you to be wary of the shorts, socks, and Birkenstocks look, which inevitably makes you look like a German tourist or a
High Times
subscriber. If you walk up to a stranger, they'll think you're asking for directions to I-95 or to a Phish concert.

 

The final stop on our covering-your-ass journey?