Off the Record (27 page)

My heart is aching for Ever. She seems lost.

Last night, Ever proceeded to shower my body with the most sinfully erotic touches I’ve ever had. Her hands, her lips, hell...even the way her hair moved across my body about had me coming all over the place.

She was merciless when she took me into her mouth, and I know...deep down...she was trying to prove to herself that she was worth something.

I didn’t need her to blow me to prove that. I tried to pull her off of me, intent on making love to her again, but she was having none of it. Finally, I succumbed to her lips and tongue, groaning out her name when she finished me off.

She then crawled into my arms, kissed my chest and fell asleep.

I didn’t follow her until several hours later, thinking about how my girl was hurting and I didn’t think there was a damn thing I could do about it.

And that’s when I realized...I was in love with Ever. There was no choir of angels singing the epiphany, and it didn’t come to me when I was dazed by lust. It was just a general understanding in my heart that this girl was made for me.

Ever is in the shower as we have just come back from our run. She was unusually quiet today but I decided not to push her. Ever isn’t the type of person that can be forced to see the light. She has to find it on her own.

My phone rings and I look down at it. It’s my agent. I sigh, because I know this phone call is probably going to change my life radically.

Ever and I are lying in bed, watching TV. Well...I’m watching TV and she’s reading her book. She has her glasses on and she looks smart, adorable and edible. I want to rip the book out of her hand and strip her naked.

But instead, I need to have a serious talk with her and I’ve been sitting here for forty-five minutes trying to work up the courage to start.

“Why are you staring at me?” she says with a mischievous look.

“Because you’re beautiful.”

She sits the book down and takes her glasses off. “Nice try. Something is on your mind. So tell me what it is.”

She’s too fucking perceptive about me, a thought that pleases me as much as dismays me. “You are beautiful,” I grumble. “But...there is something I wanted to talk to you about.”

She sits up and turns toward me, crossing her legs. She’s wearing one of my t-shirts to sleep in and the move causes the edges to expose all of her leg. I’m in danger of getting side tracked so I try to maintain eye contact with her.

Clasping her hands in her lap, she says, “Shoot.”

“My agent called today. I’ve been traded.”

Ever sucks in a breath of air and her eyes show disappointment. This gives me hope, because that means she is sad I’ll be leaving.

“I’ll have to move in a few weeks so I can get settled into a new place before training camp starts.”

Ever chews on her bottom lip and picks at her nails. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you wanted.”

I run my hand through my hair. “No, it’s not what I wanted.”

We are silent, and it’s taking all of my guts to say what’s truly in my heart. I decide to just take the plunge. “I want you to go with me. I want you to move to Phoenix with me.”

Her eyes snap to mine, and now they are bewildered. In fact, she looks close to full blown panic. I press ahead. “Ever...I love you. I am insanely, madly, head-over-ass in love with you. I want you to come with me because I don’t want to be without you. You’re like the very air I breathe...I need you to survive.”

I had hoped those words would cause her to melt. To throw herself into my arms and proclaim her undying love for me. Instead, the look of panic intensifies.

“I can’t,” she blurts.

“Can’t or won’t?” I ask, my anger starting to rise. She’s withdrawing from me, and it’s because of her shit of a father.

“Won’t,” she clarifies with a whisper. “I won’t blindly follow someone again.”

“Blindly?” I ask sharply. “How are you blindly doing anything? You know me, Ever. You know who I am and what I am. It’s not like I’m asking you to walk off of a cliff without a parachute for me. It’s just fucking Phoenix.”

She starts shaking her head, back and forth, denying my words. Her eyes are on the bed and I can tell she’s too chicken shit to meet mine.

So I force her. I grab her face with my hands and tilt it up to look at me. “Ever. Don’t do this. Don’t back away from this. Open yourself up to the chance that we have something fucking amazing here.”

She looks at me and for a second, a brief shining second, I think she’ll relent. Then she just says, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Pulling from my grasp, she shoots off the bed and runs into the bathroom.

I lay back against my pillows and curse to myself.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

My mind is racing. How can I get her to see reason? How can I get her to admit she loves me? And then it rolls over me like a tidal wave.

I can’t make her do anything.

She either loves me or she doesn’t. And apparently, she doesn’t.

My body feels like it has been split in two and half of me is lost. The physical pain in my chest is immense. I throw my hand back and punch the headboard. It hurts, but not as much as my chest. I punch it again. And again.

After the fourth punch, I pull my hand back and it’s bleeding. I just stare at it, strangely fascinated by the shredded flesh across my knuckles and the dribble of blood that falls to the sheets. I know I should be concerned over my rash actions, because my hands are my living. If I screw up my hands, my hockey career is over.

And yet...I can’t muster up the strength to even give a shit at this point.

The bathroom door opens, and Ever comes out. She’s dressed and I know she’s leaving me. For good.

I panic and try one last attempt. Jumping from the bed, I cross the room to her. “Please don’t go.”

She won’t look at me, her eyes cast downward and I take in the thick lashes that lay against her cheek. The soft cheek that I won’t be able to kiss anymore.

“Ever...don’t go. Please talk to me.”

She finally drags her gaze up, and there is a sheet of tears in her eyes. It hits me...I’ve never seen her cry before. I wonder if she does it alone in private. But then I wonder no more, because with a few hasty blinks of her eyes, the tears are gone.

“Linc...I don’t deserve your goodness. And you don’t deserve my badness. I am damaged goods. And I tried...I really did. I wanted to be able to let you in so bad. But I’m just not emotionally able to.”

Rage surges through me. I want to hurt her as bad as she’s hurting me right now. “That’s fucking bullshit, Ever and you know it. You see...I got you figured out. You are just like your father. The man that you constantly vilify for his actions. Well, you’re no better than he is. You’re a coward, just like your old man. Plain and simple. At least your dad admitted it.”

Ever gasps at my words. Although I immediately regret them to some degree, my hurt and pain are still driving me.

I go ahead and put the nail in the coffin. “You’re right, Ever...you don’t deserve my goodness. You’re too addicted to your own misery and I’m not going to let it drag me down.”

I turn away from her and head into the bathroom, softly shutting the door behind me.

Standing at the bathroom sink, I look at myself in the mirror. The man staring back at me has just been broken. I feel almost completely numb from head to toe. Except for that nagging ache, right in the center of my chest.

Reaching into the bottom cabinet, I pull out some peroxide and bandages. I methodically clean my hand, gingerly poking at the bones and I don’t think it’s broken. I apply the bandage, flexing my hand a few times to make sure the tape is gripping hard enough to stay on.

I walk out of the bathroom and wander through the condo. It’s quiet.

I know before I even get to her room that it will be empty.

I stare at the empty closet and blessedly, the numbness remains. Walking into the kitchen, I see she has left my house key on the counter. There’s no note, but then again, I didn’t expect one. She was gone too quickly.

Anger continues to course through me. I know Ever may not have been ready to return the depth of feeling that I have for her, but she should have been strong enough to see this through. I know, deep down, that she feels something very strong for me. It may not be love, or hell, maybe it is but she’s too afraid to say it. But when it boils down to it, that really has nothing to do with me asking her to go to Phoenix. I was really asking her to just continue down this path with me.

After the phone call from the agent that sealed my fate, I had originally figured on staying around New York for a few weeks. There was no immediate rush to get out to Phoenix.

Now? I can’t leave fast enough. I take out a pad of paper from a kitchen drawer and start making a to-do list of things that I’ll need to accomplish tomorrow.

1. Call realtor to list condo

2. Go visit Dad and Nix

3. Hire moving company

4. Pack clothes

5. Make plane reservation

Simple. Five easy steps to leaving Ever behind. I feel like the faster I can put distance between us physically, maybe the faster I can move on with my life.

I’m tired, and I’m miserable, and I’m lonely.

Linc has been gone for ten days, and I only know that because Emily called me on the day he left. It’s been thirteen total days since I last saw him. Since that night I crushed his heart, and in the process, inadvertently crushed mine.

Thinking back to that night rips pain straight through me. I had never packed so quickly in my life, throwing all of my possessions into my suitcases and wrestling them downstairs to meet the cab I had called.

When I got home, I turned angry. Angry that Linc would put that pressure on me. Furious that he would disrupt what we had.

I mean, I hated that he would be moving to Phoenix. But, couldn’t we have worked something out. Maybe where we could still see each other. A long distance relationship...yes, why couldn’t we have that?