Old Sins Long Shadows (38 page)

‘
You go out every evening. What are we to think?’

‘
More of me than you do. Molly is a child but you should know better.’

‘
You don’t return until dark. You do not tell me where you go. What should I think?’

‘
I’ll do better than tell you, I’ll show you.’  He led her across to another farmyard building but paused at the door. He turned angrily at her. ‘Do you think so little of me that you would believe this?  Do you trust me so little?’  He raked a hand through his hair in frustration, ‘Not all men are like your beloved father and lover,’ he snarled. ‘We don’t all run out at the first sign of trouble. The answer to your question is in there,’ he nodded angrily to a closed door, ‘but think on this…I’ll not touch you again until we are wed. It was just a kiss, but it seems even that was too much to bear.’

He strode angrily away and Janey felt like a shrew
. She eased open the door and looked inside the building he had brought her to. What she saw made her heart break at what she had just accused him of. Inside the room, with its air fragrant from the aroma of freshly chiselled wood, stood a rocking crib, a large cot and a partially built high chair.

Chapter 16

The wedding was fast approaching y
et the bride and bridegroom rarely spoke. It was a sad way to start a marriage. Janey struggled to know what to do for the best. She wanted to marry Daniel but even to herself her behaviour towards him was confusing and unfair. She could tell him of the rape, but she was terrified he would turn against her baby or seek revenge on Brockenshaw. Not that she cared for Brockeshaw’s welfare, but she knew for certain that she did care for Daniel’s and her baby’s.   To her shame, when she first realised she was with child, she had prayed for a miscarriage. How could she learn to love a baby that was half Brockenshaw’s and a result of rape?  Yet ever since the day she had felt her baby’s first feeble movements the seeds of love had took root and grew in her heart. The baby was just as much a victim of the rape as she was and the baby was
hers
, relying on her for its life and its survival. Its all consuming dependence had nurtured a protective instinct within Janey that was primal in origin and filled her with wonder. The thought that Daniel might see the baby as a reminder of her rape would break her heart. It was best he thought it was conceived from an ill judged crush than such a violent act. Yet to start her life with him based on a lie was not the best foundation to build a marriage and she struggled to know what to do. Added to these worries was her fear of his touch and where it would lead. Did all men become animals and lose control as Brockenshaw had done?  Would she ever enjoy a loving intimacy with the man who was to become her husband and not feel such fear?

Edna lay snoozing by the warm range as Janey mixed a cake
. The old woman had grudgingly learnt to use the “thing”, as she called it, realising its benefits far outweighed her fears. To Janey’s amusement Edna had now taken to having a catnap each afternoon, basking in its warmth. Janey didn’t mind, she found it oddly comforting having her company and her naps were a sign that she was handing over the reins of running the house to her. There was a knock at the door and leaving her baking and the sleeping woman, she went to answer it. It was Sally.

At first no one spoke, both taken aback at seeing one another
. It was obvious Sally had dressed with Daniel in mind, as despite it being early March she wore a low cut dress displaying her ample cleavage for his eyes to drink in. An image of him kissing her there made Janey grit her teeth and give the woman a stony stare in greeting. So this was the woman Daniel used to visit, she thought, taking in the older woman before her. It was the first time she had seen her up close. She was in her early thirties and was good looking for her age, but her main advantage was confidence and boldness that any man would find alluring. Her eyes were the darkest brown and her hair jet black. It framed her face with tight youthful curls which invited any man to coil a ringlet around his finger like a spring. She wondered how many times Daniel had done that after making love to her. This woman, she realised suddenly, knew her husband to be more intimately than she did and that, unusually for her, made her want to slap her face. Instead she forced a smile.

‘
Can I help you?’  Sally tried to look beyond her.

‘
Is Daniel in?’

‘
No. What do you want?’  It wasn’t the answer Sally wanted to hear.

‘I wasn’t expecting to find you here. I heard Daniel was getting married and I wanted to talk to him.’ She noticed Janey’s bump, ‘Looking from the state you are in it looks like you tricked him into it.’  Janey had no intention of honouring her insult with a reply and made to shut the door but Sally jammed it open with a foot. ‘Daniel’s always been careful. I should know. I bet the baby isn’t even his.’

‘
Take your foot away. I want you to leave. I have nothing to say to you.’

Sally
’s face was bitter and angry, she took a step nearer.

‘
I knew Daniel was hankering after a family. He talks to me, you see,’ she added smugly, ‘Shares things with me, he does.’  Janey tried to push the door but again it jammed against her foot. ‘Only there’s not a father in the village that would be happy to have their daughter wed a man like him. That’s the only reason he chose you, cos you have no family who cares!’  Janey saw red - with an almighty push she shoved Sally off the door step. Sally had obviously been asking around about her and that did not sit well with Janey. She also didn’t like the thought that Daniel had little choice because of his reputation.
No choice
- the words rang alarm bells in her head. Hadn’t he said that to her when she asked him why he was marrying her?  She had wondered if that was what he meant. It seems she was right. However, she wasn’t going to let Sally think she had hurt her with her words.

‘
Whether you like it or not he’s marrying me!’ she ground out, ‘You’ve missed your chance!’ but Sally just scoffed.

‘
Do you really think a prim little thing like you can keep a man like Daniel interested for long?  I know how to. Many a night he’s rolled around in my bed.’ She swept her hands down her body, ‘It’s this he prefers.’

Suddenly the heavens opened and a cascade of dirty water and vegetable peelings fell from the sky.

‘Hora! Jowles!,’  Edna’s screeching voice hurled Cornish insults from the window above. Sally was soaked to the skin, her pretty hair littered with vegetable skins, ‘Molleth dyw warnas, ke dhe-ves. Hora!’

‘
You evil witch!’ shouted Sally to the window above. ‘You should be in a freak show!’  An old potato sailed through the air and hit her shoulder causing Sally to retreat. ‘You’ll never make him happy.’ she called back to Janey, ‘You may have tricked him into marriage but you won’t keep him. He’ll come back to me and I’ll be waiting!’ Janey slammed the door, she had heard enough. Turning she saw Edna coming down the stairs chuckling. Her wrinkled eyes twinkled with amusement,

‘
That was fun,’ she said with a wide toothless smile on her face, ‘I’ve not done that in a while.’ Edna was rejuvenated and practically skipped back to the kitchen but Sally’s words stuck in Janey’s thoughts. Feeling fat and drab in Amy’s baggy dress, she knew she did not compare favourably to Sally. All her worries about the impending marriage that had occupied her thoughts and contaminated her joy over the past three weeks were stirred anew by Sally’s visit. She was right, she was no match to Sally’s sexual confidence. She not only feared intimacy, she was inexperienced and naïve. She would never satisfy Daniel or keep him. He didn’t need a wife like her, she must tell him, she realised, that the wedding must be called off. She would leave for the workhouse and stop blighting his life and the sooner the better.

It wasn’t until late afternoon that Janey had the opportunity to speak to Daniel. Molly and Edna sat at the table drinking tea when Janey asked them where he was, they told her he was down by the river at the bottom of the meadow.

‘I’m going out for a bit. I need to see him,’ she called out to them as she grabbed her shawl. Before Edna had taken in her words she was gone.

‘
Granny Thom, does she know he’s gone down to the river to bathe?’ asked Molly, biting into a freshly baked biscuit.

‘
No,’ said the old woman pouring her hot tea into a saucer for it to cool quicker. Molly watched her as she lifted the steaming liquid to her lips and sucked it up noisily. With satisfaction she sat back in her chair, ‘But she’s ’avin’ his baby so she’s seen it all before,’ she smiled. ‘I think she will be alright.’  Molly sat and chewed her biscuit.

‘
Granny Thom, why do they sleep in separate rooms if she’s having his baby?’

Edna had wondered the same thing
.

‘
What folk do in their own home is up to them and none of our business,’ she scolded.

‘
I know why,’ Molly replied after some serious thought, her mouth full and spilling crumbs as she spoke. She dipped her biscuit in her tea and carefully brought it to her lips, ‘they are afraid Daniel will roll on the baby.’

‘
Yes,’ Edna agreed, hoping the subject was now closed, ‘I’m sure Daniel has ’is reasons and it’s not up to us to know what they are. Now go quiet for once. You’re making my ’ead ache.’

Janey made her way down to the meadow. The wild flowers were delayed in their blooming due to the cold winter which was reluctant to give way to the spring. However, today was the first warm day for a long time and despite Janey’s decision to leave she knew she would miss the little farmhouse, Edna, Molly and David. They had become more of a family to her than her own and walking away from Daniel meant also walking away from them.

Her skirts brushed through the long grass as she made her way across the small fallow field and eventually she arrived at the woo
ds at the bottom where the river lay secluded under a canopy of trees. The fast flowing river bubbled and gurgled over large rounded boulders and slowed dramatically in a deep still pool. It did not cross her mind to wonder what Daniel may be doing down there as she rehearsed in her head what she would say to him. She would tell him that she could not marry him. She would tell him that her pregnancy was her problem and he did not have to take responsibility for it. She would thank him for his kindness, but he deserved a woman who could be the wife he wanted. That she was not that woman but his future wife was out there and he did not have to settle for her. That it was asking too much of him to accept another mans child and she had been wrong to accept him. That he deserved someone who could match his needs, want him, desire him and love him. She shook her head, perhaps she wouldn’t say the last line. The conversation would be boarding on discussing lust and sex and her mother had drummed it into her that a lady did not discuss such things, or enjoy such things. She wished she was more like Sally, confident in her femininity, alluring, brazen. It seemed that was the sort of woman who would keep Daniel’s interest. Not someone like her who was getting larger by the day and would soon have a baby to look after - a baby that was not his.

At first she thought she was dreaming
. There, standing before her in the still waters of the river, was Daniel. His back glistened with droplets whilst gentle waves splashed and teased against his hips and buttocks. Janey’s eyes grew wide as she realised Daniel was naked. Unsure what to do, and in a state of panic, she retreated a step to hide behind a bush. Her mouth became dry and she swallowed between breaths. Her head was telling her to leave but her feet would not move. It was only a glimpse yet the image of his body had seared into her brain like a branding iron. Perhaps it was a trick of the light, she thought, perhaps it’s not even him. There was only one thing to do, she concluded, and that was to have another look. She hesitantly stepped forward again but the water was now still and empty. Feeling disappointed she moved from her hiding place to search him out, her eyes darting along the river and scanning the surface with speed. Suddenly he broke through the surface. Water cascaded down his body, running along the contours of his muscles and stroking the hair on his legs to a dark sleekness. Janey’s mouth fell open.

She had seen a naked man only once before in her life
. It had been an illustration in a book called
Journeys around the world
and Janey had found it in her father’s study. It was an illustration of a statue called
The Flood
. The statue was of a beautiful, muscular, godlike man rescuing a victim from deep water by carrying the unconscious figure over his shoulder. Heroic and strong, Janey had been mesmerized by the illustration until her mother had tore the book from her hands telling her it was indecent. How odd, she thought, that the next time she would see a man naked was as if the illustration had come to life. She licked her lips but did not move. He was washing, she realised as she watched him rake his hands through his hair.