Old Sins Long Shadows (34 page)

‘
I’m back,’ he said simply as he paused at her door. He still wore his boots which were dusted with snow that had already started to melt forming a puddle on the floor. ‘Do you like what you see?’  His hair was ruffled from the wind outside and he still wore his outside coat which was turned up at the collar. His eyes were black as coal and his dark brows were knitted together in a serious frown.

‘
The room?’ she asked.

‘
The house,’ he answered.

‘
It’s very nice,’ she replied, unsure why he should care what she thought. He was silent for a moment then nodded satisfied.

‘
Bolt your door,’ he said abruptly, ‘I know what they say about me in the village and while we are alone I don’t want you to worry unnecessarily. It’s not good for you, you need your rest.’   Suddenly he was gone and Janey was left alone once more. She closed the door and quietly slid the bolt across, but it wasn’t Daniel that made her fingers tremble. The figure she had seen earlier had shaken her yet Daniel had said they were alone. The figure was, she felt sure, of a young girl no older than ten. She had disappeared into thin air as silently as she had appeared, just like an apparition. The figure, which looked just like herself as a child, haunted her mind until she fell into a deep sleep.

Chapter 14

Janey woke with a start
. She lay for some moments not sure if the laughter she had heard was in her dreams or from the room downstairs. The house was silent, broken only by bird song from outside the window. The position of the sun told her she had slept late. She washed and dressed, pausing only to observe the shape of her belly in the mirror before disguising it once more. She finally managed to be successful by draping a shawl around her waist but it had not come without a struggle. It seemed, as a result of rest and good food, that her body had finally relaxed and showed her pregnant state. She packed her belongings as she planned to leave today. She wanted to be gone before her shameful secret was disclosed and Daniel learned of her fallen state. Through habit she finally twisted her hair in order to pin it up, a style she had used ever since entering service. She halted in the act to view herself once more in the mirror. Today was the first time since she was thirteen she was no longer a servant. For once in her life she could wear her hair as she wanted and wear what she wanted. Yet this independence had come at the price of her freedom - the freedom to seek employment where she wished and the freedom to choose her path in life. This had been taken from her by the baby that grew in her womb. The only path open to her now was the one that led straight to the workhouse. She let her hair fall from her fingers to lay loose about her shoulders, got up and made her way downstairs.

The house was empty yet indication of its recent occupation was evident to her eyes
. A basket of freshly collected eggs lay on the table, recently washed plates and mugs lay drying on the drainer and the smell of a cooked breakfast hung in the air. She felt like an uninvited guest walking through the remnants of a now extinguished party and for the first time she wished she had woken earlier and been part of it. She had not wanted to mix with company in recent times and the feeling of wanting to seek company surprised her.

Edna
arrived at the house, she took off her old coat, hung it on a hook and made her way over to the basket of eggs. Ignoring Janey she mumbled to herself in her ancient Celtic tongue as she cleaned each egg with care. Janey watched her knurled hands work with the speed of experience, turning each egg and wiping the shell with water and soap to place each one on a cloth to dry. The woman did not acknowledge her presence and eventually Janey broke the silence.

‘
I will be leaving today,’ she said gently. Edna stopped in her work, cut and buttered some bread and jam and dropped it on a plate before her.

‘
You’d better eat something,’ she muttered returning to her work, ‘Don’t want you to be taken ill before you have a chance to be off.’

The old woman had made her position plain
. Janey was not wanted at the farm.

Some time later Janey carried her bag down the stairs and placed it on the floor. Edna avoided her eye contact, preferring to busy herself with making bread. The woman may not want to exchange words, thought Janey, but she owed it to Daniel to thank him for his help and to tell him she was leaving. Edna must know where she would find him.

‘
I am ready to take my leave,’ Janey told her, ‘I would like to speak to Daniel before I go.’ The woman stopped her kneading.

‘
Tell me what you want to say and I will tell him,’ said Edna, craning her head up from her rounded stiff neck.

‘
I thank you for the offer, but I would like to say goodbye to him.’ The old woman continued to knead. ‘I want to speak to Daniel,’ she said again, ‘Where is he?’

‘
He’s here,’ came a voice from behind her. Daniel stood in the open doorway staring at her carpet bag on the floor.

‘
I am leaving.’

‘
So I see,’ he said, piercing her with his stare. Suddenly she felt nervous.

‘
I want to thank you for your help and hospitality,’ she continued, keen for him to know she was not planning to leave without speaking to him. ‘I do not wish to outstay my welcome.’

‘
You have somewhere to go?’

‘
Yes, thank you.’

‘
Where?’ Janey was taken aback by his direct question and initially stumbled over her words. She did not wish to lie to him but she felt she had no choice.

‘
I …I…have a position as a governess in North Cornwall. I plan to catch the train at Bodmin.’

‘
With who?’

‘A middle class family.’

‘
A family with no name?’

‘
A family that wishes to remain discreet,’ she countered. He studied her as if waiting for her to speak more but she held her silence.

‘
Discretion is important to you?’

‘
Yes, of course.’

He seemed to consider her words for some moments
. She wondered if he was forming an argument that she might stay.

‘
I’ll take you,’ he said abruptly before leaving to hitch up the horse and trap. The two women watched him go before Edna let out a chuckle.

‘
Seems ’e’s even more keen to get rid of you than I am,’ she said before returning to her dough.

The wooden wheels of the cart rattled over the stony road but Daniel drove at a steady slow pace, reducing the amount of jarring her body was subjected to. No one spoke for some time, both deep in their thoughts as they rode the hill away from the farm and towards Bodmin town. Finally Daniel pulled on the reins and brought the horse and cart to a standstill by the side of the road and looked across the countryside to the granite built farmstead in the distance.

‘
Boscarn Farm,’ he said, half to himself and half to her. She followed his gaze and saw his home nestled amongst the trees and sheltered from the moorland winds. To the right spread lush green pastures, on the left the baron landscape of the moor.

‘You are very lucky to have such a lovely place. I’m sorry I did not stay to see more of it.’  She realised as she spoke how true it was. They sat in silence for some moments before he spoke again.

‘
Discretion is important to you. Is that why you are leaving today?’

The hairs s
tood up on the back of her neck.

‘
I don’t know what you mean.’

‘
I think you do.’  Janey did not speak. Suddenly she became frightened at what he may say next. Eventually he took something out of his pocket, spread it out on his leg with purposeful movements and gave it to her. She did not need to read the letter to know what it said, her mother’s hateful words screamed out at her in black ink.

‘
You had it clutched in your hand when I found you. I have not told anyone.’ Janey took it. ‘Is it
his
?’  he asked. She nodded, unable to speak. ‘I told you there was no future with him.’  He stared into the distance, not able to look at her. ‘Were you making plans to get rid of it that day on Helman Tor?’

‘
Please Daniel, I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘
I knew something was wrong, but not this.’

‘
It is not your problem. Please take me to Bodmin.’

‘
To the workhouse?’ he asked. She nodded and he swore. ‘Do you have any idea what it’s like in there?’ 

She shook her head
, ‘Not really, I have heard some things.’

‘
I do. I was born in one!’ he shouted and immediately calmed himself. ‘It’s no life for a baby,’ he added more gently, ‘The stench of the workhouse sticks to you and taints the rest of your life.’

‘
I have no choice. You did alright.’  He sat silently for a moment then began to speak.

‘My mother was a whore. I never knew my father. I was born in a workhouse and spent my childhood in and out of them. One day I was found eating rubbish by our landlord. My mother had run off and left me to starve. I never saw her again or wanted to. He threw me out into the street and that’s where I lived amongst the tramps and prostitutes of Tudor Street. When I was ten I was caught thieving a loaf of bread. I had not eaten in three days. I was sentenced to hard labour for a year and then to a reformatory. The place was meant to make me a law abiding citizen but life there was brutal   I survived despite them, not because of them.’  He had not taken his eyes off Boscarne Farm and Janey began to realise just how important having his own home meant to him. ‘One day a caretaker asked me my name. When I told him it was Kellow he made a passing remark it was Cornish. I had a vain hope I would find family in Cornwall so the next day I ran away to the county. It was a foolish dream, I lived on my wits and by stealing. One day Zachariah caught me stealing eggs from his chicken house. I am the man I am now because Zachariah and his wife, Amy, took me in and provided me with a home. They made me a part of their family.’  Janey listened quietly. He had not spoken so much at one time which made his words all the more important to hear. ‘Up to that point my life had been tainted by the start in life I had. My mother’s drinking, and her whoring to get the money to drink, my father not wanting to know the child he had. I paid for the sins of my parents and I kept paying until I met Zachariah. That day I stopped paying.’  He took the letter from her hands to look at her mother’s writing. He pointed to the words
bastard
,
workhouse
,
slut
, ‘It’s starting again with your baby,’ he said, ‘Your baby’s life is already tainted by its parent’s deeds. Old sins cast long shadows, Janey. An illegitimate baby carries the burden of its parent’s actions for life.’

The words blurred before her eyes
. She knew in the society they lived that he spoke the truth.

‘
I have no choice,’ she whispered.

‘
Yes you do,’ he replied and turned to look at her. ‘I’ll marry you. I’ll give your baby my name and both of you a home. No one need ever know the child’s his. No one must ever know the child is his.’

‘
I couldn’t let you do that!’ she said but he ignored her.

‘
I will provide you and the baby with a good home but I expect the marriage to be a complete one. I have no one in the world I can call a relative. One day I want a child in my arms with my blood rushing through its veins. I want to be able to look into its eyes and see my kin. Do you understand what I say?’  She nodded but shook inwardly inside. Only four months before she had been brutally raped. Would she ever be able to lie with a man again and not think of that day?  ‘So what do you say?’

Her baby moved inside her.

‘You will give us your name and bring my child up as if he was your own?’ Daniel clenched his jaw and stared off to the distance once more. ‘Brockenshaw’s child?’ she goaded. She hated saying his name but she would rather give birth to her child in a workhouse than risk a life of brutality and cruelty by a man who calls himself father but despises the child.

‘
It is not the baby’s fault who its father is. I will be the child’s father in all ways. It will not know any difference between my own blood kin.’ He turned to her with narrowed eyes. ‘So what say you?  Will you be my wife?’

Janey searched his eyes for some tenderness, some hint that he could love her, but in that moment there was none
. Instead she saw a steely determination that what he had suggested was the right thing to do. She lifted her chin,