On a Night Like This (26 page)

Blair shook her head. “Who? The bartender at the Lookout Bar? I don’t think so.”

“I won’t leave you after this. It’s her last exam.”

“English?”

“That was yesterday.”

“I forgot.”

“Can you sleep again?”

“No,” Blair said. “Not without you. I’ll watch a movie.”

Luke had bought a TV and VCR and a collection of old movies. Blair was now too tired to read, too weak to do anything else. Movies filled the hours. Luke moved to the set.

“Which one?” he asked.

“I know,” she told him. “Put in
Pescadero.
I want to watch your movie again.”

“My favorite fan,” Luke said, smiling.

“Your leading lady,” Blair said, correcting him.

He set up the movie, kissed her good-bye.

She pushed herself up in bed, wiggled her fingers good-bye to Amanda.

She pulled a pillow behind her back and leaned against the cool wall. She didn’t want to sleep, was scared of the demons, of fighting them off and finding herself alone in the cabin.

She pressed the play button, started the film. She had seen it dozens of times now.

She began to doze again, sitting upright in bed, the movie playing. When the rapists appeared in the dunes, they told her not to run. She wasn’t scared, found herself watching them with an ease she had never imagined before.

“He’s running away,” one of the men said, and she turned, watched her boyfriend scamper up the side of the hill.

“He’s scared,” she told the men. “I’m not scared.”

“We might kill you,” one man said.

“I know,” she said.

This time, when they came toward her, she didn’t fight. She didn’t scream. She sank deeper into the dream and thought,
I’ll die. I can let myself die.

And then she was awake, her body drenched in sweat. She reached for a towel she kept at the side of the bed and dried herself off.

I can die,
she thought.
I can do this without a fight.

She stayed awake for the rest of the movie. She got herself out of bed, made it to the bathroom, then back to bed again, exhausted by the effort.

She slept until Sweetpea’s barking woke her. They were home again.

Luke appeared at her side, then sat next to her in the bed, leaning forward to kiss her and stroke her. She loved how he touched her, always, and kept touching her, as if he spoke to her through his fingers. She wanted his hand on her body all the time now.

“I love your movie,” she said.

He lifted the glass of water for her and she sipped.

“Did you make it all the way through?”

“I fell asleep at one point. In my dream I was ready to die.”

Luke nodded. “I can tell,” he said. “I wish I could say the same for myself.”

“You were a fool to fall in love with me,” Blair told him.

“No,” Luke said. “It’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done.”

They held each other for a while.

“You’re so good to me,” Blair said.

“I adore you.” Luke pulled back a bit and looked at Blair. “I thought I loved Emily. I didn’t know anything about love before I met you.”

“You did love her,” Blair said. “But it was just one of the things you did in your life. Right now, all you do is love.”

He smiled. “My full-time job,” he said.

“I may give you a raise,” Blair said, grinning.

He leaned over and kissed her gently. “You’re beautiful,” he said, stroking her face.

Sweet lies,
she thought. She was emaciated and gray now. She knew that she looked awful, but he never mentioned it.

“When I watch
Pescadero,
” Blair said, “I imagine I look like the actress, that she’s really me.”

“I’m sorry that I used your life, or some idea of your life, to make my film,” Luke said.

“No,” she told him. “Don’t apologize.”

“And in the real version of your life, I can’t save you,” he said sadly.

“You saved me,” Blair said, and she saw that he knew what she meant.

He leaned over and kissed her again.

“Guess what we got in the mail today,” he said.

“Tell me.”

“An invitation to our high school reunion.”

“You’re kidding. Should we go?” she teased.

“Absolutely,” Luke said, his voice breaking. “I want to dance the night away with you.”

“I get to go to the prom with Luke Bellingham,” Blair mused.

“On the back of the invitation, there’s a list of lost alumni. My list of Lost Souls,” Luke told her, smiling. “You’re still on it.”

“Keep it that way,” Blair said. “I’ll be your secret.”

“We’ll have our own private class reunion,” Luke whispered, pulling her close to him.

“Where’s Amanda?” Blair asked after a while.

“In the workshop. She’ll come in to help me make dinner soon.”

“How was her exam?”

“Easy,” Luke told her. “And she’s done with school. Until September.”

“Senior. She’ll be a senior.” Blair’s voice cracked.

Luke didn’t hide his tears, and Blair smiled at him.

“What will—”

“We talked about it in the car on the way home,” Luke said. He held his hand on the side of Blair’s face.

“Tell me,” Blair said softly.

“I’d like to take care of her. For as long as she needs me.”

He put his head down on her chest, and they were quiet for a while.

“What did she say?” Blair finally asked.

“She said she’d like that,” Luke told her.

“I’d like that, too,” Blair told him.

Luke lay next to her, holding her in his arms for a long time. She imagined a scene as if it were happening: Luke driving Amanda to college in his truck, all her gear piled in back. Amanda’s prattling on with nervous energy about everything about to happen. Luke’s face full of his beautiful smile. He would love her through all of it. Lucky Amanda.

Blair slept for a while, and when she woke up, it was dark. He was still there, next to her.

“Are you sleeping?” she whispered.

“No,” he said. “I’m holding on to you for dear life.”

She rolled over in his arms and kissed him.

“You and Amanda need dinner,” she told him. “And I want to sit right here and order you both around in the kitchen.”

Luke lifted himself up and away from her. She felt herself catch her breath, as if she weren’t quite ready to breathe on her own. He looked at her.

“Dinner,” she said, urging him on.

Luke left to find Amanda in the workshop, and Blair pushed herself up in bed, clicked on her morphine pump, sipped at her water. When Amanda and Luke got back, they started work on a complicated paella dish. Luke had bought the ingredients in the city while Amanda had taken her test.

Blair watched them prepare dinner. They moved around each other in the kitchen as if they had been cooking meals together all their lives.

“Anytime you want to throw out a command or two,” Luke called back to her from the stove, “your sous-chefs are ready.”

“You’ll do just fine,” Blair told them.

Luke chopped and Amanda stirred. Their busy arms seemed everywhere, reaching, moving around her. Sweetpea rested her head in Blair’s lap. Blair closed her eyes and let the morphine take hold. There was the empty space in the center of a circle of trees. The redwoods. Amanda’s cathedral. Blair lay in the middle, taking small breaths, listening: Luke humming a forgotten tune, the rustle of leaves, the clatter of pots and pans, an owl settling in the canopy above, a murmur from Sweetpea and Amanda’s voice, stronger now. Then in the circle of their arms, in the glow of the last filtered light of day, Blair slept.