On My Knees (23 page)

Eli took a sip of his coffee and regarded me silently.

“She’s been through a lot.”

I nodded. Eli would have known the whole story. Hell, he probably knew more than I did. Who was I to complain? I’d created this whole damn mess.

“No need to remind me. I put her through hell and I probably deserve all of this.”

“Maybe you do, but maybe you both deserve a chance to make this work again. If you can figure out how to make that happen without hurting her again, you have my blessing. She’s my best friend, and I can see that despite everything, she’s happy with you. That’s all I want. To see her happy.”

“I’m trying. She doesn’t make it easy.”

Eli stood up and came closer. My grip tightened around the mug. I hoped he wasn’t going to try to hug me or something. He leaned over and grabbed the notebook off the shelf. He handed it to me, his lips in a tight line.

“Tell her I gave it to you, I’ll hunt you down, and they’ll never find the body.”

We shared a wordless stare before he disappeared into his bedroom. I set down the coffee cup and contemplated what I might find between the covers of the book. The notebook was light in my hands. Curiosity and pure desperation to find some clue to Maya’s carefully guarded thoughts spurred me. Carefully I opened the book, flipping through the nearly filled pages. Page after page of words, poems, doodling. I closed it again.

I stood up and paced the room. If this were anything like a diary for Maya, what I was about to do was unconscionable. Could I do this? Maybe just one page... could one page tell me something? Anything about this woman I was falling hopelessly in love with again.

I sat back down. I finished my coffee and let the minutes pass. Finally I opened the book and began to read.

Yes.

Every day, no stone unturned

A promise of more

Happy days and long nights,

Of love and living,

If I’d said yes.

Picket fences, cherub faces,

every dream realized

if I’d said

yes.

Second chances play out in a dream,

because I couldn’t

say yes.

With shaking hands I turned the page. There were dozens more. I could barely make out the words because the meaning behind the poem I’d read was swimming through my mind.
Jesus Christ.
I brought my hands to my face.

I’d spent days trying to dig deeper, to find out who Maya had become. A surge of hope spurred me on every time I got a hit, and now this. A fucking avalanche of feelings. And I wasn’t reading into this. I’d spent the past several hours trying to fuck the feelings out of her, and this notebook held the truth. Some of it, most of it maybe.

I stood quickly, unable to speak or formulate a single coherent thought. How could I possibly after reading that? I paced the room, wishing Maya were here so I could hear the truth straight from her lips. Would she ever give me that much? I wanted to search those fathomless brown eyes for some acknowledgement of what this meant, of everything we ever felt that had gone unsaid. The dreams I’d only shared with her, the plans we’d made for our future that could only be realized with her, no one else.

I replaced the notebook on the shelf, grabbed my coat, and rushed down the stairs. Stepping outside, I relished the painful, sobering burn of the cold air filling my lungs. I looked in the direction of my apartment and took the first steps of what I knew would be a very long walk in the opposite direction.

MAYA. Tonight was Christmas Eve. The team had thinned out until only Dermott, Jia, and I remained. We’d finished, just under the wire. As much as the holiday didn’t mean much to me, I’d hoped we could wrap up and finish early. I was exhausted and wanted to go home to Cameron. Last night had been intense. Exhausting and intense. We never used to fight, but this new version of us did. I fought and he fought harder. Then he silenced me with the kind of passion that I’d never known, the kind of wild crazy love that took us straight into the dawn. He was relentless, tireless, like he was breaking me down in his own way.

Whatever he was doing to me might have worked too. I couldn’t think about anything else. He was like a really good drug that I’d had the good sense to stay away from until now. He was in my blood, and fuck if I didn’t need him again already.

I sank back into the club chair in Dermott’s office, trying not to think about how I’d rather be rushing back to see Cameron than taking a minute for a celebratory drink now that we’d finished.

“Scotch okay?”

Jia’s lithe figure swayed toward the bar in Dermott’s office.

“Sure.” I sighed. I scanned the room, appraising the size and decor—dark woods, clean lines, and an impressive view of the glittering night sky. I tried to imagine myself here, sitting behind the enormous executive desk or looking out over New York from our forty-third floor vantage. I couldn’t imagine it. Perhaps the prospect was simply too far from the reality I was living. It certainly didn’t align with any dreams I’d had for my life before coming here.

Yet this was what I was working toward, wasn’t it? Jia was, and she was taking me along with her. Would respect and a title make all this worth it? The long nights, the years of being passed over? My tired delusions about my professional future were interrupted when Jia lowered an engraved tumbler into my grasp. “Here, drink up.”

“Thanks.”

She stood across from me, leaned against Dermott’s desk, and sipped her own. She seemed softer, younger. How, I wasn’t sure, because we’d just wrapped up a marathon workday. She smiled as I assessed her silently. There may have been an inkling of mischief in her eyes, but I was probably seeing double at this point.

“Tired?”

I closed my eyes for a second. “Glad to be done, I suppose.”

“Cheers to that.” She raised her glass and I met it with a clink.

I took another slow sip, appreciating what I knew had come from an expensive bottle. I swallowed, savoring the smoky burn.

“You did great this week, by the way.”

“Thanks, you too.”

“I wasn’t sure what to expect, but now that I’ve worked with you, I can see what an asset you’ll be. I think everyone can see that now.”

“You think so?” I beamed a little.

“Absolutely. And if they can’t, I’ll make certain they do.”

“Thank you, Jia. This was an amazing opportunity. You went out of your way for me. I realize that, and I hope you know that I appreciate it.”

“I’m happy to have done it. Perhaps you could return the favor sometime.”

“Of course.” To repay a gesture such as hers would go without saying. She’d taken a risk for me, not knowing me, and I would do whatever I could to do the same for her one day.

As I committed to that in my mind, Jia held out her hand to me. I hesitated. She curled her hand up toward her, urging me to take it. Once I did, she gave me an upward tug. I stood, taking an unsteady step closer until we faced each other.

“What?”

She hushed me, placing her finger on my lips.

“I want to finish what we started the other night.”

My eyebrows shot up. Before I could speak, she moved closer, bringing her mouth to mine. Shocked by her boldness, my lips parted instantly to suck in a breath. She took the chance to kiss me deeper, seeking out my tongue with her own. Catching my cheek in her palm, she coaxed me closer still.

“What are you doing?” I gasped, breaking our contact.

“I’m kissing you.”

“I know. I’m not sure why.”
“Because you’re beautiful, and I’m attracted to you.” She traced a line down the buttons of my blouse. “And Dermott wants to watch us.”

I went wide-eyed, my heart racing with panic and confusion. I hoped I’d misheard her. “What?”

Her brow wrinkled. “Maya, do you want to be promoted?”

“Obviously.”

“Then, relax.” She started on the top button of my blouse. “We’ll make it fun, okay?”

“Jia, I can’t do this.” I jolted back, out of her grasp. Her hands fell down.

“Is this about Cameron?”

I fumbled for an answer, thoughts whizzing through my mind. “Maybe.”

“He never needs to know. Plus, you can’t let him tell you what to do.”

“This is insane. Kevin will be in here any minute.”

“He will, and we’re going to give him a good show. You’ll like it, Maya. Then he’ll do his thing, but don’t worry, that never lasts too long. You’ll be all blissed out from me making you come to even notice anyway.” A dark smile curved her lips. “You do this and we might both get promotions.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

She rolled her eyes, her sultry voice hardening again. “He’s bored.”

“He’s
married
.”

“Oh, who cares? You think half these guys don’t fuck around? Anyway, he’s never seen two women together. We’re hot, we like each other, and he gets off. Everyone wins. If we’re lucky, he’ll come in his hand before he can put it in either of us.”

My mouth opened wordlessly.

“Ladies.” Kevin’s voice echoed through the room as he entered “Don’t let me interrupt you.” He closed the door behind him and loosened his tie, tossing it to the side. Undoing the first few buttons of his shirt, he sat leisurely on the adjacent chair. His legs were wide and casual, and he bit his lip. He gazed up at us with an obvious hunger. The sexual voyeur who I used to think of as my boss was now waiting with waning patience for Jia to start the show.

“Where do you want us, Kev?”

He nodded to the desk. “Right there. I want to fuck her on it after.”

My heart beat rapidly, my head swimming in a sudden dizziness. This was too much. For starters, I wasn’t drunk enough to remotely consider this. Secondly, this was my job, my livelihood we were talking about. I didn’t gamble with that.

With no signs of hesitation, Jia started to unbutton her silk blouse while I tried to get a handle on the proposition she’d just landed on me. In a matter of moments she’d slipped off her skirt and stood before me, clad only in dark lavender lace under-things, her thighs decorated with lace topped stockings. She went for the buttons on my blouse again and pulled me into another kiss. Her lips were rougher, more demanding this time, blinding my ability to think clearly.

This wasn’t happening. This could not possibly be happening. Jia was beautiful, a friend, sexier than I’d given her proper credit for. Sure we’d had our moment at the club, but I hadn’t really thought of her like this. We’d just been having fun before, but this was far beyond the boundaries of our friendship.

I darted my gaze around the room, wishing someone could save me from this totally fucked up situation. Dermott readjusted himself, his eyes never leaving us. A wave of nausea hit me. This was eleven shades of wrong. I tensed, resisting the urge to push her off of me even though that’s all I could think of doing.

“What?” she whispered.

I shook my head slightly, hoping the motion was imperceptible to Dermott. She hushed me again, her frown disappearing with a slow, sexy smile. She slid her hand between my legs and pressed against me through the fabric of my pants.

“I won’t bite, I promise,” she whispered.

I took a step back, leaving her at the desk. With shaking hands, I fumbled with my buttons, trying to pull myself back together.

“I’m sorry.” I shook my head. I couldn’t find the words to say anything else. I turned and left. Rushing toward my cubicle, I struggled with the last buttons on my blouse. The office was empty except for the cleaning crew that hadn’t made its way to our part of the floor yet.

I went to my office to grab my purse and stopped suddenly when Cameron was sitting at my desk. He was doodling on a notepad, his legs outstretched, filling up the small workspace with his large frame.

He looked up with a bright smile that quickly faded as he assessed me. A second later Dermott was there, unaware of Cameron’s presence. He looked irritated and somehow determined. Before he could speak, Cameron rose.

“What’s going on here?” Cameron’s voice barely hid a rage that I sensed was growing rapidly below the surface.

Dermott straightened. Cameron was wearing a thermal henley that highlighted the strength of his chest. A detail that was no doubt noted as Dermott quickly recovered himself.

“Nothing at all,” he rushed. “Maya, I just wanted to let you know that there may be a few minor details left on the documents that we need to clear up tomorrow. I’ll email you if anything comes up.”

I stared at him, nodding slightly. Was I going to play along with this? Dermott turned back and disappeared into the darkness toward his office where Jia was probably still getting dressed. Or not. A wave of guilt hit me that I’d left her there to fend for herself.

I fastened the last button on my blouse, threw on my coat, and reached around Cameron to grab my purse.

“You want to explain what the fuck is going on?” His jaw worked, and his eyes were wide with the anger that rolled off of him now.

“Let’s get out of here.” My voice was quiet, hiding the embarrassment of being caught in the midst of this totally fucked up situation.

We hadn’t left the block before he stopped us. He turned to face me, leveling his eyes with mine.

“Talk. Now. I need to know what the fuck went down in there.”

I searched for the right words, failing because I was still trying to figure it all out myself. I hated how it looked on the outside. He was obviously furious. I had no hope of explaining this one away as a non-sexual late night rendezvous.

I eyed him warily. He looked even bigger and broader in his coat. If I didn’t love him so much, his sheer size might scare the hell out of me.

“It was nothing,” I insisted.

“Like hell.” His breaths came slow, billowing in the cold air. “You need to tell me what the hell happened in there before I lose my fucking mind.”

I sighed, looking around nervously. I didn’t want to have this conversation with him, now or ever. I wanted to pretend this whole thing had never happened. I squeezed my eyes closed and decided to go with the truth.

“Jia came onto me.”