On My Knees (26 page)

“That’s enough! Stop trying to trick me. You don’t fool me, you little whore. I told you not to come here anymore, and here you are. You’re embarrassing us.”

She shook her head violently, muttering a string of obscenities. Ironically, I’d never heard her curse until she’d gotten so bad that a home was the only safe place for her. I looked around the room, as if anything here could help me. She started shouting at me again, and I rose, warring with the part of me that wanted to defend myself and my mother against the harsh unfiltered judgments spewing from her.

As I was about to step out to get a nurse, the door swung open and Cameron’s frame filled the doorway. My body relaxed at the sight of him. His eyes flashed to mine and then Ruthie’s. He came closer, handing me a small foam cup and continuing toward her.

“Hi, Ruthie. Did you want some tea?”

She brightened immediately, as transfixed on his beautiful face as I’d been a moment ago. “Why, yes, thank you. I take mine with cream.”

“This one has cream.” He handed her the cup carefully before sinking down into the chair I’d occupied earlier. His shoulders shrugged slightly, as if he were trying to make himself seem smaller and less imposing in front of this frail woman.

“Do I know you?”

He smiled and introduced himself, holding out his hand to grasp hers gently.

I took a step closer, wondering if I might be able to reintroduce myself now that Cameron’s presence had officially dazzled her. Her focus turned back to me, her wide-eyed approval unchanged. I pulled up another chair by Cameron’s and sat tentatively.

“Is this your husband?”

My jaw fell agape as I searched for an answer somewhere between the truth and what Ruthie would want to be the truth. Never mind what I wanted to be the truth. I couldn’t begin to grasp the magnitude of my feelings about that yet.

“No, Grandma. He’s a friend.”

Her hopeful eyes softened a bit as she glanced between us. She sighed and took a sip of her tea. “That’s a shame,” she murmured. “He seems like a sweet boy.”

She looked up from her tea, captivated by Cameron again. “Is this your wife?”

He laughed quietly, and shook his head. “Not yet, Ruthie.” He leaned in and whispered, as if sharing a secret between them. “Do you think I could convince her?”

The wrinkles at the corners of her eyes deepened and she answered with a coy smile. Meanwhile, I tried my damnedest not to reveal the wild reaction that my body was having to their outrageous conversation. My hands stiffened and trembled around the flimsy cup, threatening to compromise its stability around the lukewarm contents.

“I think so. You seem like a wonderful young man, but you have to promise me something.”

“For you, Ruthie, anything.” He teased her with a crooked grin.

“You must promise to take care of her.”

“Of course.”

“Because she’s my only granddaughter.”

I’d managed to keep my frail emotions from flying all over the damn room for the next twenty minutes. Eventually, Ruthie let us know she was tired and going to take a nap. We both kissed her goodbye and left before she had a chance to wonder if we were coming or going. I walked ahead of Cameron, pausing at the reception area. The same nurse looked up from her reading.

“How was she?”

“Wonderful, actually. Thank you for taking such good care of her. She seems well.”

“That’s what we do.”

“I have a question, though.”

“What’s that?”

“Has anyone else been here to see her?”

She hummed and thought for a second. “Let me check, sweetheart. One second.”

A few agonizing minutes passed while she sifted through files in a cabinet in the back of the office. She returned with an opened file. “You’re the only one who’s visited her since she’s come in, except last month.”

She set a sign in sheet in front of me, turning it so I could read the name scribbled by her finger.

Lynne Jacobs.

My heart stopped. My trembling hands covered my mouth and the whole world seemed to stand still in that moment.

“Maya, are you okay?”

I reminded myself to breathe when Cameron’s hand warmed the small of my back. I nodded quickly, thanking the woman for her help. We stepped outside. Snow had started coming down hard.

“We need to head back now,” I said, walking briskly to the car.

“The roads are getting bad.”

I clutched my hands together, trying to still the tremble. “I need to get out of here. Cameron, I can’t stay here.”

“Hey, okay. Relax.” He tucked the windblown strands of my hair behind my ear, brushing my cheek as he did. “Is there a place to stay around here?”

I shook my head. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t deal with any of this now.

“Cam…just, whatever. Let’s get out of here.”

He guided me to the other side of the car. “Get in. I’ll be right back.” He ran back into the home and returned a few minutes later, revving the engine to life.

“What are we going to do?” I barely recognized my voice, it was so quiet.

“There’s a bed and breakfast down the road. We’ll stay there and everything should be clear in the morning.”

I nodded. Laurel Estates disappeared in a white haze, and before I knew it, we pulled into the drive of a large Victorian house, its windows illuminated with warm light as darkness descended on the stormy day. I followed Cam inside and the host led us to our room on the third floor, which seemed to be empty of guests. I didn’t imagine Laurel Falls was a major destination, but every town needed someplace to stay.

I dropped my purse and coat on the antique chair in the corner of the room. The room was quaint, containing a queen-sized bed and some simple furniture. I walked around restlessly. Outside the snow swirled through the air. Those could have been my thoughts, the flurry of emotions that whipped through me now. I wanted this storm to end. I was at the end of a cold hard winter, and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.

My mother’s name scribbled on the roster of visitors flashed through my mind again and again. She’d been here. There was no other feasible explanation. Weeks ago, after years of nothing, she’d been here to see my grandmother. Had she really asked for money? Why didn’t she try to find me? Why hadn’t she come to me if she needed help? That’s what I’d been waiting for this whole time—a chance to help her. Where was she now?

A hopeless pain filled the hollow place in my chest. The anxious tremble had graduated to a penetrating shudder, and I couldn’t stop its course through me. I was unraveling. I surveyed the room, aware that we likely lacked some of the common amenities of a hotel room. The basket near the coffee maker held nothing but gourmet teas and coffee. They were of no use to me now. I opened the small mini fridge and relief filled me when I saw it was stocked with both caffeine and beer.

I grabbed one of the beers. When I stood, Cameron took it deftly from my grasp, his lips set in a disapproving line.

“What the fuck?”

“I need a drink.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. After last night, how can you even consider it?”

“I’m stressed out, okay?”

“About what? Seeing your grandmother?”

“No. You wouldn’t understand.” He wouldn’t because I’d never tell him.

“Then explain it to me.”

“Just...” I groaned, wishing he would back off and leave me be. “I need to take the edge off. I can’t possibly get far-gone. There are only a couple beers in there.”

He shook his head. A mix of sympathy and certain disappointment tightened the muscles of his beautiful face. I couldn’t have felt any worse.

“You’re talking to the man who carried your unconscious body up two flights of stairs last night. If you think I’m letting you get anywhere close to drunk tonight, you’re sorely mistaken.”

Panic rose, tightening my throat. The walls were closing in on me—Cameron’s judgments, my past, and the painful certainty that our future was doomed. Everything pressed down on me until I could scarcely breathe. I pulled on my coat and side stepped him.

I moved for the door.

“Wait.” He blocked my exit, staring down at me. “Why are you running off?”

“Let me go.” I could barely hear my own voice—a small and sad testimony to how I felt in my soul.

He grabbed the lapels on my coat, opening it at the chest and taking it off as swiftly as I’d put it on moments ago. “You’re not going anywhere.”

“Like hell I’m not. Let me go.” I wrestled out of his grasp, my coat flailing to the floor. My shoulders shook with the effort to hold myself together.

“You need to stop this shit, Maya.”

The abrasiveness in his voice sent a chill through me. I pushed at him, anger overpowering the pain that pulsed through me. I felt the brunt of the effort to move him away in my wrists when he didn’t budge.

“Who are you to judge me?” I pounded my fists on his chest, resorting to my last and only effort.

He caught my wrists, holding them gently but firmly enough that I couldn’t wrestle free or deliver another blow.

“I’m not judging you, goddamnit. I’m loving you. I give a shit. I’m sorry if no one else cares enough to tell you no, but I’m not going to watch you fucking drown yourself in booze.”

“I’m not asking you to do anything, except get the hell out of my way. This is my life, and if I have to water it down now and again, that’s none of your goddamn business.”

“You’re staying right here with me, so knock it off.” He loosened his hold on my wrists so I could step back.

I struggled to catch my breath. My adrenaline surged, every nerve alive. Anxiety and the steady pain I wanted so desperately to stamp out pulsed through my veins. Cameron was here witnessing all of it, fighting my impulses like some fucking warrior. I didn’t need a warrior. I didn’t need this brand of love.

“If this is you loving me, I’m not interested. You don’t know anything about me.”

His jaw tightened. “Because you give me
nothing
. You won’t let me in. I have to sneak around to learn anything about you. The poems… Christ, Maya, there’s so much more there that you never give me, that you never give anyone.”

My brain scrambled to catch up to his words. Then a different kind of pain hit me, like I’d been publicly gutted. Raw and exposed, I was on display for all to see.

“You…you went through my things?”

He shrugged, but the motion wasn’t casual. His posture was on edge, like mine. “They were sitting out. I read some of them.”

“That’s why you got me the notebook.” My eyes burned with threatened tears. “I can’t believe you’d… How could you read something so personal and think that was okay?”

A slow tear journeyed down my face. My hand went to my mouth to stifle the sound of my shock. His betrayal—because that’s what it felt like—weighed down the already crushing pain I was struggling against. What had he read? And God, why? Why had he pried? I scolded myself for being careless, for writing any of it down in the first place. Foolish, stupid words because I couldn’t keep my fucking emotions in check.

He sighed and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “The words... I think I know what you’re trying to say with some of it, a lot of it. I feel the same way. I want what we could have had. I need you to believe that it’s not too late for that.”

“It is.”

His eyes dimmed. “We can fix this. Together, you and I. It doesn’t have to be like this. This crutch... You don’t need it.”

A painful laugh tore from my throat. “A crutch... Right. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t ever ask you to be that for me.”

“Maya. I didn’t...”

His eyes squeezed shut, and I knew he remembered. Those terrible last words that he’d delivered, that well-aimed blow to my heart.

“I wish I could take everything back from that day,” he whispered. His shoulders sagged, his head bowed with defeat.

“You left me, Cameron. And now you want…what? My heart? The adoration that I once gave so freely? You want the satisfaction that after breaking me, you’ve saved me? There’s no saving me, okay? I can’t give you the person I used to be, even if I wanted to, because she’s all gone now. And, yes, sometimes I need to drink to put it all away. I don’t know how else to explain it to you, but right now, that’s what I need.”

I moved to the loveseat and sat. I circled my arms around my belly, leaning into the dull ache. I shivered, suddenly cold, a bone-deep cold deep in my soul that he’d never be able to fathom.

Visions of my mother haunted me anew. I’d kept her full of life in my memories. I never let myself visit the reduced person she might have become after all these years. She was still young, vibrant, and beautiful in my mind. I loved her with the selfish, greedy, and consuming love of a child. Her life had always been for me, and then suddenly, it wasn’t anymore. How could I feel anything but a devastating kind of rejection from it all?

That she’d reappeared under my radar cut through me. Years of worrying and taking responsibility for her disappearance were thrown in my face.

I hated her. I hated her as much as I loved her. She’d become an abstract, because she’d ceased to be real. The pain twisted in my gut, sore from my earlier sickness but still wanting the relief I so craved. Effectively trapped, all I could do was cry. I let the tears flow, praying silently for relief.

Cameron crouched down beside me, his hands on my knees then moving over my legs and up and down my arms, warming and soothing me. He hushed me until I caught my breath, wiping away the tears as they slowed. His touch was tender, melting my earlier rush of anger. How could he do that? With a touch, he could take me someplace else, bring me out of the dark confines of my mind, the emotional wasteland that my life had become.

I shook my head, grasping his hand in mine. I squeezed it, wishing he could take it all away somehow, every last shred of it. But why on earth would he want to?

“How could you possibly want to be with someone like me?”

I chanced a look in his eyes, afraid of what I’d find. The calm shadow of his blue eyes and the firm set of his jaw made a face void of pity, but full of something else, something unfathomably deeper. I couldn’t name it, but it rippled off him like a heat wave and seized my heart. I parted my lips and sucked in a sharp breath between them.