Once and Again (17 page)

The second Sunday in May was clear and mild—perfect hiking weather. Jane seemed to be the expert on the area, and Carolyn was happy to leave all the planning to her. She’d chosen Devil’s Den, a nature preserve in nearby Weston, which she insisted was a prime location for hiking. From the website and maps Jane had subsequently forwarded by email, the place certainly looked nice and secluded—perfect for a low-key spring hike.

Carolyn hadn’t done a lot of hiking, but Jane told her that she and Andy had traversed every trail on the expansive property. If a six-year-old could do it, so could she. And so it was that at eleven in the morning, she found herself at an unobtrusive trailhead off Pent Road.

Jane was already there when she arrived, and she waved as soon as Carolyn got out of her car.

“You got my text?” Jane asked.

“Yes, thanks. Glad we’re still on.”

“You bet we are. The weather’s great, and I already registered us at the map station.” The petite woman was wearing full-on hiking gear—some breakaway nylon pants, a weather-resistant shell, and a CamelBak—a fancy backpack that had space for her gear as well as a water bladder with an attached tube for drinking on the go.

“Am I dressed okay?” Carolyn asked. She had on her sneakers, a pair of leggings, and a sport top, over which she’d thrown a light jacket. “You look like you’re ready for anything.”

“You’re fine. I got really into hiking with Andy when we moved here. It was one of the few things we could do together that didn’t require a ton of money. I also just like feeling like I’m away from civilization for a while.”

Carolyn nodded and looked around. A few brightly colored wildflowers—black-eyed Susans, Queen Anne’s lace, and goldenrod—had bloomed, and the shrubbery and trees were dotted with light green buds. “I can see the appeal. This place is beautiful.”

“This is the parking lot,” Jane said, laughing. “Wait until we get on the trail. Ah, this must be Grace,” she said, nodding her head at a pickup truck as it pulled into the lot. It was Grace, and once she’d parked, she gave a little wave out the window.

It wasn’t the kind of vehicle Carolyn would have expected the daughter of rock royalty to drive, but Grace seemed to make a career out of defying expectations, so Carolyn just went with it.

“Heya!” Grace called as she hopped out of her truck. “Sorry I’m late. It took me awhile to find my sneakers. Bought ’em the other day and then misplaced them.” She grabbed something out of the cab and slammed the door.

“You’re right on time,” Carolyn told her, completely in awe of the way Grace seemed to look so effortlessly chic. Forget hiking gear—Grace was wearing a long, flowing skirt and top, dangly earrings that sparkled when they caught the late-morning light, and slung over one shoulder, a leather satchel. Her only nod to appropriate hiking attire were those sneakers and a thermos.

“What’s that?” Jane asked, pointing to it. “Coffee?”

Grace grinned. “Mimosas. Decided that if I was going to be tromping through the woods and not paint, I might as well make it fun. Want some?”

Jane shook her head
no.
“Maybe after lunch. Water is best for hydration when you’re hiking.”

Grace shrugged.

“I don’t think alcohol is allowed in a nature preserve,” Carolyn said.

“Who’s going to tell?” Grace said with a smile.

She was right. The parking area was empty and for all intents, the place looked deserted. The woods would be all theirs this morning.

“Come on,” Jane said. “This way.”

Carolyn fell into step behind her, following her tiny form down the path and into the woods, Grace right behind her.

The woods were beautiful, especially this time of year. Thousands of trees—maples, she thought they were—stood straight and tall, as far as the eye could see, not yet so covered in foliage that their trunks were obscured. In a few weeks everything would be green, and while it would be gorgeous, it would also feel different—more lush, but less open. Now, every boulder protruding from the dark, leafy ground was still evident, unearthed from the mounds of snow that until recently had blanketed the earth, but not yet concealed by bright green undergrowth.

The aromas of wet leaves and new growth permeated the air and the forest was still, but not quiet. The soft sounds of the women walking on damp leaves and earth were punctuated by a few early birds back from their southern sojourns. Their cries carried through the canopy of fresh leaves that were just beginning to unfurl from tiny buds.

They walked past a pond surrounded by mossy stones, leaves floating on its dark surface. Out of the corner of her eye, Carolyn thought she saw a bullfrog, but when she turned to catch sight of it again it was gone, camouflaged into its surroundings.

After twenty minutes of walking, when they were deep into the preserve, Jane broke the silence. “So, my mom has been here just over a month,” she said over her shoulder. “We have two weeks left to her stay. Not that I’m counting or anything.”

Carolyn laughed. “Has it been okay?”

“She’s still rearranging, nitpicking, and criticizing everything, but so
graciously.
Oh, it’s all subtle. And so reasonable. Which makes me look like a lunatic when I complain.”

“Give me an example,” Grace demanded.

“Okay,” Jane said. “I went for Andy’s parent-teacher conference a couple of weeks ago. Andy’s been having trouble with his reading for a while, and it’s been kind of stressful all year. We’re lucky we’re in Eastbridge because they have a great elementary school, but all those enrichment programs come because the parents push for them. All the kids are above average, if you know what I mean, so if you’re struggling you stand out even more.”

Carolyn nodded. Because so many people in Eastbridge were wealthy, the town was able to pour money into its school district. The public schools seemed like private ones, with their million-dollar endowments and myriad enrichment programs in the arts and sciences.

“So I made the mistake of telling my mother about the conference,” Jane continued. “But instead of commiserating or even just providing support, she lights into me about how being a single mother is detrimental to Andy, and how he’s not getting the attention he needs at home, and I’m like
I’m trying my best, Mom,
but she doesn’t seem to get that.”

“What happened?”

“Well, she yelled at me for a while, and then she did an extra half hour of reading with Andy that night…and every night since.”

“But that’s good, right?” Carolyn said.

“See? Helpful and reasonable. But it still makes me feel like crap. And here’s the worst part—I think I kind of need her. Unfortunately, she’s leaving at the end of the month and then I don’t know what I’m going to do about Andy. She’s been so good with him.”

“You could always ask her to stay,” Carolyn suggested.

“And go even more crazy?” Jane said with a laugh. “No way.”

“I hear you,” Grace said. “It’s tough to feel unsupported by your parents, but it may be a small price to pay if your kid gets what he needs.”

Jane’s shoulders dropped. “You’re right. I know you’re right. But I just spent the last three years carving out my own life, and it’s tough that my mom can’t recognize all the personal sacrifices I made to keep Andy safe.”

“
Ugh,
your ex sounds like a real piece of work,” Grace said with a shudder. They’d talked about this before, but all Jane would say about him was
Dan’s all talk and no action.

“At least your mom is actually helping Andy—and she’s not letting him know what’s going on between you two, right?” Carolyn asked.

“No. She’s been remarkably good about keeping her opinions between us.”

“Good. Subtlety is not something my parents know anything about,” Grace said.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to ask. How was your dad’s party?”

“Over the top. No surprise there. The only real surprise was that Mum stayed relatively sober, at least for the main event. Who knows what happened after I left?”

“When did you leave?”

“Two
A.M.
”

“Jeez,” Jane said. “I don’t know how you keep that up. Some days I’m at the bakery at four thirty
.
I’d be a zombie if I went to bed at two.”

“I said I
left
at two,” Grace said. “I wasn’t sleeping until five. My brothers followed me out and shamed me into coming to the after-party. That lasted until four. Then I crashed at a friend’s place in the city. Lost my entire Saturday sleeping in and dragging my ass back here.”

“I feel like I’m getting too old to lose entire days,” Jane said.

“You’re not old, but you have a kid,” Grace said. “That makes you responsible.”

“It’s more than that,” Jane said, sounding thoughtful. “For the longest time I wasn’t present in what I was doing or where I was. I let things happen to me instead of taking charge and making things happen for myself. Does that make sense?”

Carolyn nodded. It made a lot of sense. She’d been adrift for so long, living a life that now didn’t even seem real anymore. And then, finally, she’d been forced to confront herself and everything she valued. Losing all her money was the first time she’d actually chosen a path for herself—it was out of desperation, but it was still a choice. And while she would absolutely trade the circumstances under which it happened in a heartbeat, she wouldn’t change the woman she thought she was becoming.

“So what are you going to do about your mom?” Carolyn asked.

Jane shrugged her slim shoulders under the straps of her backpack and guided them right when the trail forked. “I don’t know. Nothing, I guess. Andy loves her, and as long as she’s good for him, she’s welcome in my home. And I really should stop complaining about her when she’s providing free babysitting so I can come out with you.”

“I’m glad you suggested this,” Grace said. “The light’s amazing and it smells
so
good. A lot better than a grotty New York City taxicab at two in the morning.”

“Grotty NYC cabs at two in the morning are the
worst,
” Carolyn said. “Good thing my partying days are over.”

“It doesn’t sound like you ever partied. Maybe
feted,
” Grace mused.

“Or
galaed
,” Jane chimed in.

“That’s not even a word,” Carolyn protested, laughing anyway.

“Well, if you’re going to have a fete or gala, this is the place to do it. Let me guess—you have a guy who loves to attend balls and parties.”

“Uh, no,” Carolyn said, trying to picture Jake at a ball. In all honesty, she couldn’t even picture him wearing a suit.

“You can’t be single,” Grace said, absolute shock in her voice. “Just look at you.”

Carolyn felt her cheeks warming. Except for Jane’s ex, they hadn’t talked about guys, and trying to explain her situation with Jake would be even more awkward than admitting she needed a lawyer. “I’m…I think I’m seeing someone,” she admitted, most of all to herself. “But it’s complicated.”

“Complicated good or complicated bad?” Jane knew all about the latter, she presumed.

“Bad at first. Then worse. Then better. And now, maybe, good. I think.”

Grace laughed. “Get your story straight.”

“Our story is complicated, too. So, I’ve known him—Jake—a long time. We actually used to date.”

“Ah, young love,” Grace said.

“Yes, well, it was too young because we were apart for a long time. Then I ran into him again at Briarwood, except he now owns the place.”

Jane let out one of her long, low whistles. “Oh.
That
Jake.”

“So he’s your boss?” Grace asked.

“Not exactly,” Carolyn said. “But it has definitely made things more—”

“—complicated,” Jane finished for her.

“I feel like I’ve been given another chance with him, and yet we’re still such different people. I’m so afraid that—I don’t know—those differences might not work together. They didn’t the first time.”

“I’ve seen him only once,” Jane said. “And I agree that you’re different. He’s pretty edgy. Remind me to tell you about his tats,” she told Grace.

“Nice,” Grace said.

“Anyway, something drew you together back then, and something’s drawing you together now,” Jane said.

“I think you should just go with it,” Grace said. “Let love guide you.”

Jane laughed. “What’s this? Ms. Make-Your-Own-Destiny is telling you to just go with it?”

“Ignore me,” Grace told her. “My own love life is a disaster. Last dude I dated had the paparazzi follow us around all night to promote his new album—which bombed, by the way. And the dude before that OD’d. I spent our second date in the waiting room at Columbia Presbyterian while he got his stomach pumped.”

“That is just
awful,
” Carolyn said.

Grace just shrugged. “That’s dating in my circles. Well, my old circles, anyway.”

“Look,” Jane interrupted, pointing up.

Carolyn lifted her head to see what Jane was showing them. She squinted, just making out a bird’s nest, high up in the vee of two sturdy branches. “Beautiful,” she said. She turned back to make sure Grace saw the nest, but Grace already had her sketch pad out and was drawing away, her pencil flying across the page.

“Give me a second,” Grace said.

“Take all the time you want,” Jane responded. “I kind of figured you might be into this. And your laces are untied, so make sure you do them up before we keep going.”

“Yeah,” Grace murmured, already lost.

They stood there for another five minutes while Grace finished up her sketch. Carolyn didn’t mind. She took the opportunity to breathe in the damp air. It was rejuvenating in a way she could never have anticipated.

“Thank you for referring me to Bex Teller,” Carolyn said to Jane while Grace worked.

Jane gave her a little frown. “Who?”

“The lawyer who does white-collar work.”

“I don’t know her,” Jane said. “Could have been my lawyer, Nancy’s, doing, though. I can ask her at our next meeting.”

“Please do. And if she did make the referral, thank her for me.”

“Will do.”

Grace was still sketching, so Carolyn stretched her legs a little. “This is incredible.” It was more than the scenery. It was the chance to take a breath, to have new experiences with new people. To start fresh, like she hoped she was doing with Jake.