Once Written, Twice Shy (The Broken Men Chronicles) (9 page)

I spent the better part of the weekend hanging out
with Jasper after Julie had dropped him off on Saturday afternoon, but not
without searching my place high and low for the woman she despised.  By Sunday
morning, my little man was going on and on about Alissa and her blueberry
pancakes.  With how things were left, I hadn’t gotten her recipe and so I
indulged him and his wants by purchasing a box of the instant stuff and grabbed
some fresh blueberries to mix in with them.

He shook his head as he stared down at the plate. 
“Those’ll taste like poo, Daddy,” he said.

“I promise you that I’ll get Allie’s special
recipe for next time, buddy, but you have to eat something.”

“Can I have toast?”

I grabbed his plate.  “Sure.”

I sat down in front of him and attempted to eat my
portion of pancakes to prove to him that they weren’t that bad.  One bite was
all it took for me to realize that Jasper had been right.  My culinary skills
gone to waste, I gagged at the consistency of sawdust rolling about in my
mouth.

“I told you,” he said.

I grumbled.  “So you’ve said.”

***

Over the course of the next few days since her
departure, I found myself missing Alissa’s presence, haunted with visions of
her in every nook and cranny, the subtle scent of her perfume that still
lingered in my car and on my pillow, and the dreams—I’d wake up feeling her all
over me until I realized that she was no longer there.  I had tried calling, sent
her a few emails.  I even logged on to the writing site we met off of and
still, there had been no sign of life from her aside from one thing—she had
posted a new story which I had read right away, leaving my thoughts on the
comment board.

Despite the story however, Tuesday had arrived,
four days since her departure, and I ached to know what she was up to and how
she was doing.  I needed to let her know that I was okay with her decision and hear
her voice on the other end of the line, and not that pesky voice mail system of
hers.  For more than ten months, she had been by my side despite our
geographical positioning, and now, when I was looking for her, I couldn’t seem
to be able to reach her.

More like she’s not reaching back.
  I
grumbled for what must have been the tenth time that day.

I was snapped out of my reverie by Jasper tugging
on my hand.  “Daddy?”

“Yeah, buddy?”  I ruffled his hair as we started
to walk home from the park.  Spending the day outside hadn’t done much to
lighten my mood.

My son looked up at me and said, “Why are you
sad?”

“What do you mean?” I forced a smile.

“Well, you look sad.  Is it because Allie’s gone?”

“It’s complicated, Jasp,” I said.  I didn’t want to
overcrowd that tiny yet too-smart-for-his-own-good brain of his with complex adult
issues.

“Why’d she have to go?” he asked.

“She doesn’t live here, son,” I said, “she had to
go back to work.”

“So she can come back and see us?” he asked with
an air of hope.  His expression garnered a short laugh on my part.

“Sure thing,” I said.  It seemed to put his mind
at ease and I wish it did the same to mine.  Would I ever see her again?

“I know what I want for my birthday,” he said
after a short moment of silence between us.

I looked down and eyed him on the sidewalk before
crossing the street.  “What’s that?”

“Can we go see Allie?”

“I don’t think Mom would like that very much,” I said,
being cautious with my choice of words and tone.  He didn’t need to know about
the current hostility that festered between his parents, “she might miss you
too much.”

“But Allie is missing me longest, I know she is,
Daddy,” he said.  “Maybe we can have her visit again and then we can make more
pancakes.”

It’s all about the pancakes but then again, I knew
there was more to it than that.  I shook my head at his persistence.  “I’ll see
what I can do,” I said.

***

Today was
the
day.
 
Not knowing how
the week would play out, I had taken most of it off, spending as much time with
Jasper as I could seeing as I wouldn’t have him for the entire week.  I didn’t
like it, especially with not knowing how this whole court thing was going to
work out.  With my son’s sitter being ill, Todd would be looking after him
while we were occupied with our respective lawyers.

Showered, shaved, and ready to get going, I chose
to check my email before heading out for the courthouse.  My heart leapt out of
my chest when I saw Alissa’s name in my inbox.  I paused before clicking on it.

It had been nearly a week since I had last heard
from her, seen her.  My over-analytical brain began to turn at breakneck
speed.  I worried that she’d have some bad news or worse, a change of heart.

I missed her more than I ever believed I could and
that fact alone swayed me.  After all, if she’d had changed her mind about us,
she wouldn’t be doing anything to end things over an email; it wasn’t like her. 
Deep in my subconscious, I knew her avoidance wasn’t based on the way things
had been left either.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, clicked to
open the email and began to read.

Paxton,

I’m sorry I haven’t been available to you like
I normally am.  Since coming back early, my boss saw it fit to send me off to
deal with preparations for this conference we’re having and I haven’t had much
time to breathe since.

I’m glad you enjoyed the new piece.  I had it
sitting on my laptop and after I got back, I felt inspired to finish and post
it.

I’ve received all of your messages and I would
have replied but somehow, it didn’t seem right to do over email.  After being
in the same room with you, emails almost feel too impersonal.

So today’s the day, huh?  Good luck, sweetie. 
I’ll be home tonight, please call me.  I miss your voice and I want to hear all
about how it went.  I have a sneaking suspicion that emails will fade and long
distance phone bills will sky-rocket but as I’ve said before, you’re worth it.

Yours with hugs and kisses,

Alissa

I couldn’t believe that I had thought her message
would have been one filled with anything negative.

After what seemed like minutes of staring at my
computer screen with a goofy smile, I turned off the contraption and got up to
leave.  The fate of my dilapidated marriage hung in the balance and I hoped to
walk away a free man when all was said and done.  Would today be the day or
would I be spending the remainder of my week in and out of that judge’s office?

***

We returned from a brief lunch break and sat down
alongside our legal counsels in the judge’s chambers.  The room hung in silence
as we waited for the man to speak.

“I’ve listened to both parties and based on the
facts before me, I have no choice but to side with Mr. Lowell,” the man said.

“But, your Honor,” Julie said, “I-”

The man held up his hand, ceasing her speech.  “Before
you continue on protesting my decision, I will let you know that I am not pleased
with your latest conduct.  This isn’t my first rodeo and I cannot allow a
failed marriage, by your hand, Mrs. Lowell, to remain intact because of spite. 
Your case has no validity whatsoever and I have no choice but to rule your
marriage as null and void.”  He looked at my soon-to-be ex-wife, pinning her
down with a disapproving parental-like gaze.  “I suggest that you continue on
with the lives you’ve been living and the custodial rights will remain
unchanged,” he said, “however, what I don’t want to see is you two back in here
for something as petty as withholding a child from his parent.”  He arched his brow
at Julie, making it known that he knew of her former threats.  “Children are
not pawns, Mrs. Lowell, don’t make me regret my decision on equal parental
rights.”

“But-” Julie said.

Her legal representative hushed her with a pat on
the hand.  The judge ignored her whiny plea and pushed papers in front of us. 
“These need your signatures.  Once they’re complete, your marriage will be
legally dissolved,” he said.

I watched like a hawk as Julie accepted the pen
with somber resolve from her lawyer and signed on the dotted lines.  It shouldn’t
have been that difficult in the first place but it was official, I was a single
man by the time the judge had put ink to paper with his final signature and
stamped it with his official seal.

***

Jake walked with me to my car.

“How ‘bout a beer,” he said, “it’s been a while.”

“Sure has.”

“Dude, you’re divorced, it’s time to get you back
on the market,” Jake said and slapped my back, grinning.

“Don’t think so, buddy,” I said.

“Who’s this chick that Julie was ranting about in
the hall when we walked in, anyway?”

“Long story,” I said.

Three hours and a couple of beers later, I had
filled Jake in on what had been going on in my life.  As per usual, the guy
sat, listened and advised all the while scoping out the scene at
Fairfax,
the
pub we were at.

Feeling like I had purged more than enough, I
said, “So, when are you planning on settling down?”

“As soon as divorce stops making me a wealthy man,”
he said.  We laughed at his statement but after some of what he’d been through,
I understood his skepticism.

“You’re welcome, old habits die hard, huh?”  Jake’s
gaze had locked on a red-head that sat at the bar.

“The least I could do for being the one to
introduce you both,” he said and turned his full attention back on me.  “What a
head-case she turned out to be, sorry man.”

“Not like you knew,” I said.

“Yeah…about that chick,” he said to push the
subject of Alissa further, “let’s hear it.”

***

She’s got you hooked…You’ve got it bad.

Those lines played over and over in my mind.  I
wasn’t going to deny it.  I knew it to be true.  She had me hook, line and
sinker after five days spent with her.

With my divorce being official, I was free to do
with my life as I saw fit and it felt amazing.  That’s when Jasper entered my
mind.  I knew that Julie couldn’t hold him from me…not without landing in court
again.  But I had little faith that she wouldn’t try to cause trouble if I were
to start something up with Alissa and that was disconcerting.

Who am I kidding?  It’s already started.

I saw the notice from the postman—a parcel.

Must be a gift for the kid.
  I figured I’d
pick it up tomorrow as I pealed the sticker off my door-knocker.

When I walked through the threshold, the flashing light
on my house phone beckoned me.  I checked my messages.

You’ve got to be kidding me.
  I grumbled.  A
proverbial fire at the office needed my immediate attention.  After all, manuscripts
don’t edit themselves and a man has got to work for a living.

The rest of the week went by without a hitch.  I
had spoken to Alissa every night since my divorce had become official.  My
heart broke to deliver the news that Jasper’s wish to have Alissa around for
his birthday wasn’t going to be realized.

“Is it because she doesn’t miss me?”  The sight of
his quivering bottom lip and tear-glossed eyes broke my heart.

“No, son,” I said, “but she did say she wanted to
talk to you.  What do you say we get together on Skype on Sunday, I think she’s
been waiting all this time to cook her pancakes with you again and it’s kind of
like seeing her, only she’s on the computer.”

Jasper beamed and said, “Really?”

“Really,” I said, “and in the meantime…”

***

On Sunday, before I brought Jasper back to his
mother, we logged on and I set up the laptop on the kitchen table.  Needless to
say, I ended up doing everything since Jasper was stuck in front of the
computer talking away about all the neat things he had received for his
birthday.

I imagine you’re wondering what that parcel had
been, huh?  Well, Alissa had remembered Jasper talking about his birthday and
so she had sent him a little something.  I think it meant more to me than it
did to him but I’d never let him know that since he was over the moon about his
unexpected surprise.

The woman had taken off with the memory card from
my camera and had made Jasper an album of him and me.  I had allowed the kid to
open the gift before his birthday in an attempt to console him when I announced
that Alissa couldn’t be around.  Since then, he had refused any kind of bedtime
story and had demanded to look at the photo book instead.  She had topped the
gift off with the photo of her and him and their ice creams and a
Happy
Birthday, handsome
note on the back of it.

“That was yummy, Allie,” Jasper said.

“I think you’ve got Daddy to thank on your end,
buddy,” she said and giggled.  “He did all the work.”

“I miss you,” Jasper and I said together.

“I miss you both too,” she said and sighed.

“I’ll see you online later?”

“You bet ya.”

***

Last night, my ex-wife called, requesting for me
to stop by her place after work the following day.

Monday, as manic as it usually was, had come and gone
and before I knew it, I stood on Julie’s front step.

“Hey, Todd,” I said when the door swung open.

“Come in.”  He moved to the side.

“Julie wanted to speak to me about something?”

“Actually, I got her to call you up and get you to
come by,” he said.  “I didn’t think you’d show if she told you that I was the
one who wanted to talk to you.”

I eyed him. 
What the hell could he want to
talk to me about?
  And then it clicked.  I cleared my throat.  “You want to
marry her, don’t you?” I stated, more than wondered aloud.

He nodded.  “How’d you know?”

“It’s kind of self-explanatory, don’t you think? 
You two live together, you’ve been and item since she left me, she’s having
your kid and she’s finally divorced,” I listed out.  A person had to be quite
dense not to see that one coming.

“Yeah, well,” he said, rubbing the back of his
neck.  This was getting awkward by the second, “I was wondering if-”

“Whoa!”  I held my hand up.  “You don’t need my permission.”

“I just-”

“She’s all yours, Todd,” I said.  “My only concern
is Jasper.  If my son’s happy, I’m happy, got it?”

The man nodded.  “Thanks.”

I turned to leave and paused as I looked at him
from the front door.  I gave him a curt nod and left.  He was an alright guy
but from personal experience, I hoped he was as self-involved as my ex and had
a large pile of money hidden for a nanny or else their child would suffer and
so would he if she treated him like she did me.

Not my problem,
I reminded myself as I got
in my car and drove off.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. 
How
fucked up was that?

***

The following month had been spent with me getting
back into the swing of things.  Things had gotten busy and putting in time with
my latest writing venture had become scarce since I was now bringing work home
at the end of each day.  I was lucky to sit down for an hour and banter back
and forth with Alissa.  I preferred doing that over my writing.

Tonight, Alissa hadn’t seemed all that talkative during
our online chat.  She was withdrawn what with her dejected, delayed, and short
responses.

Without hesitation, I rang her.  It had been a week
since we had spoken over the phone and I needed to hear her say that everything
was okay, to hear the certainty in her voice.

“Hello?”

“You sound tired, honey,” I said.

“Pax,” she said and seemed to cheer up right away
what with the energy that her one word encompassed, “I wasn’t expecting you to
call.”

“I missed your voice,” I said, “and I had a
feeling that things were a little rough.”

“I miss you too.”  She sighed.  “Work’s been crazy
but that’s nothing new.”

I know how that is.
  “Any plans for the
weekend?”

“Aside from a few errands, not really,” she said,
“I planned on restocking my empty fridge and relaxing, nothing really thrilling
but definitely something I need.”

I laughed.  “I wish I was there to do just that
with you,” I said.

“Mmm…that would be nice,” she said with so much
longing that I smiled.

We talked about Jasper, my work, my writing, and
then came the dreaded goodnight.  As time went on, each telephone conversation was
getting harder and harder to hang up on.

“Pancake date on Skype this Sunday?” I asked.

“You bet,” she said.

“Goodnight, sweetie.”

“Sweet dreams.”

***

It was Friday and I sat at my desk, having my morning
coffee as I stared at my computer screen.  I hadn’t slept much last night.  Getting
a call from Julie asking me if I was okay with her and Todd taking Jasper on an
impromptu weekend getaway had left me feeling lost with what to do with myself
seeing as it had been my weekend with our son.  Still, my lack of sleep had
more to do with last night’s conversation with Alissa.  I felt like there was
something more than work taking its toll on her.  Every day, chatting,
emailing, calling, or Skype-ing wasn’t doing much to fill the void of her
absence and keeping me happy.  I missed her, I needed her…
with me
and I
was just as certain that she felt the same way.  And so, I did what I had to…