One Plus Two Minus One (26 page)

Beth sat for
a while, silent too.
Robert still didn’t
do anything. She decided he wasn’t going to, and wiped her face
again, on the sheet, put it down, and went into the ensuite to
drink a little water out of her cupped hand. Her hand still tasted
of Ethan.

“
How
long?”
Robert said from the
doorway.

She hadn’t
realized he’d followed her.
“A while,”
she said. “It doesn’t matter.”

“He’s your student.”

She nodded.

“So this is why we haven’t been having
sex.”

“
Nope.
This was because we haven’t.”

“Don’t be a bitch.”

She looked at
him for a moment and wondered if he wanted to hit her.
She almost wanted to ask.

“
I’m not,”
she said.
“I didn’t know where you and I
were. I met Ethan. I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“
You should
have told me.
That was wrong.”

“That was inconsiderate, not wrong.”

“Beth…”

“
Excuse me,”
she said, and stepped forward, and he got out her way, let her back
out into the bedroom.
Her clothes were
downstairs too, in the hall. Robert must have seen them when he
came in and known something was up.

“How long were you standing there?” she
said.

“Long enough.”

She opened a
drawer, got jeans and a tee shirt, didn’t bother with anything
else.
“How long?”

“How could you let someone do that to
you?”

She pulled
the jeans on.
“Come on me?”

He looked at her.

“
Just because
you don’t want to,” she said.
“Doesn’t
mean no-one does.”

He didn’t
answer that, either.
She pulled the shirt
over her head, and said, “I’ll go talk to Ethan. You can stay up
here, or leave, whichever you want. One or the other. I’ll talk to
you later, when you’ve calmed down a bit.”

“I’m not un-calm.”

“
That’s the
fucking problem.
You should
be.”

He didn’t seem to understand.

“
I’m kind of
waiting for you to lose it,” Beth said.
“I don’t want to be around when you do.”

“I’m not going to.”

“Even so.”

He nodded
slowly.
“I’ll go.”

“Okay.”

“
Could you be
here later?
In a couple of hours? And
make sure he isn’t?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll talk to you then.”

Beth
followed
Robert downstairs. Robert looked
at Ethan as he went past, a kind of sullen, angry look, but didn’t
say anything. He went to the door, went out without speaking, and
that seemed to be that. Beth stood where she was for a moment,
until she was sure Robert had gone, then went over and kissed Ethan
and said, “Sorry.”

“You okay?”

She
nodded.
“I suppose that’s been bound to
happen.”

“What will he do?”

“I don’t know.”

“He seems weirdly calm.”

“
Yeah.
University people. He’s so busy detaching from
the world and thinking about what he feels that he doesn’t actually
have feelings.”

Ethan looked at her.

“
Almost not
joking,” she said.
“Come back to
bed.”

He seemed
surprised.
“You still feel like
it?”

“
Ah,” she
said.
“Yeah. I haven’t yet.” After a
minute. “And don’t look at me like that.”

“I’m not.”

“You think I’m some kind of monster.”

“I think you’re sexy and smart and do things
your way.”

“
And haven’t
come yet,” she said.
“And I’d like
to.”

“Okay,” he said.

“
Fuck,” she
said.
“Don’t do that. You got off. I
didn’t. I want to finish up, that’s all. It’s not
weird.”

“It’s kind of weird.”

“Okay, it’s kind of weird, but we’re doing it
anyway, so come upstairs and eat me out.”

He grinned,
and followed her up the stairs, and Beth lay there while he licked
her and decided not to care about
Robert.
It wasn’t worth worrying, or caring what Robert was going to do,
until he came back and told her. So maybe she had no feelings
either, but at least she was getting head while she
waited.

*

Robert
reappeared about two in the afternoon. He
knocked before he opened the door.

“
He’s gone,”
Beth said, from the kitchen table.
She
was sitting there with half a bottle of wine, an empty glass ready
for Robert, and another she was sipping from in her
hand.

“It’s a bit early to drink, isn’t it?” he
said.

“Not today.”

He nodded,
and sat down, and poured wine for himself.
Beth watched him. He was calm. He was still weirdly calm,
and Beth didn’t understand why.

“
You’ll be in
shit if anyone finds out,”
Robert
said.

She tried to
decide if that was a threat or not.
“That’s what you want to say to me?” she said. “Out of
everything you could say?”

He
shrugged.
“You will be in shit. I’m just
being practical.”

“So don’t tell anyone.”

He didn’t
answer.
She assumed that was meant to
tell her he might.

“
Yeah,” Beth
said.
“Or do what you want. If you want
to hurt me, go ahead. I’ll just tell the department and get someone
else to mark his work. It isn’t really a problem.”

“Except for being the slutty professor who
fucks her students.”

She looked at
him for a while.
“Funny you said slutty
then.”

“So?”

“
You don’t
think anyone else sleeps with their students?
Except I’m a girl, so I shouldn’t?”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“
I’m
not.
Don’t call me stupid.”

“You’re trying to turn cheating into some
half-assed feminism thing to make it okay.”

“It wasn’t cheating, and it is a feminist
thing, and nothing I did isn’t okay.”

He thought
about that for a while, she wondered if he’d argue about the
cheating.
“So you don’t mind me telling
academic services?” he said.

“
Do what you
want.
Be a bully if you want. I don’t
give a fuck any more.”

Another
silence.
Robert was calm, wasn’t raising
his voice or trying to hit her, but his eyes were angry and he was
worrying about the wrong things. Beth tried to work out if it just
hadn’t sunk in yet, or if it was something else. That he was so
controlling he wasn’t going to let himself think about things that
hurt him, and would worry about her career instead.

“
Tell me what
you want to do,” she said.
“And we can
start talking about what happens next. At the moment I’m just
waiting to see if you plan to call me names or walk out or
what.”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay,” she said, and waited.

“
Will you
stop with this guy?”
Robert said. “If I
ask you to?”

“No.”

“So we’re over?”

Beth sat
there for a while.
“I don’t
know.”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t understand you.”

“
Yeah,” she
said.
“I know.”

She thought
about
Robert and ending what they had.
She was strangely reluctant to let go of him, and she didn’t know
why.

“
All the
things we said we’d do together,” she said.
“I still want to do. You should know that. None of that’s
changed.”

She meant it
as a consolation, as something that might help.
Robert thought it was a negotiation.

“You just want to fuck your students too?” he
said.

She shrugged,
was starting to get a little irritated.
She seemed to be making all the effort.

“Sorry,” he said.

“
It’s
fine.
I’m sorry everything got so
complicated.”

Silence
again.
Beth didn’t know what to say. This
was them. This was how they’d always been, saying things that
didn’t really matter instead of things that did. She sipped her
wine, and Robert watched her, and she ignored him. She did actually
want Robert, she thought, want him and almost need him. She needed
what they were to each other. Needed the way they fit, the plan
they had for their lives. It was just that lately she hadn’t liked
him very much, and was losing track of herself and what actually
mattered.

She knew she
was hurting
Robert. She was hurting
Robert, but she wanted Ethan, and somewhere along the line you had
to do what was right for you. She wasn’t sure if she ought to care
about Robert any more, or just get him out of her life. She didn’t
know what to think about anything.

She looked
at
Robert for a while and wondered how
upset he really was. He wasn’t showing it, so she wasn’t sure. This
was how she tore his life apart, she thought. She’d wondered
sometimes how she would do it if she had to.

Robert
seemed to have been thinking too. “You still
want us to be something to each other?” he said.

“
Yep.
We don’t have to, though.”

“What kind of something?”

“
I’m not
sure.
I don’t know what you can cope
with.”

“What, like forgiving you?”

She sat there
for a while and tried to work that out.
“Forgiving me how?” she said.

“
For
this.
For what you did.”

“
I don’t want
you to forgive me,” she said.
“I want you
to be okay being friends. Having each other in our
lives.”

“
Oh,”
Robert said, surprised. Like he hadn’t thought
of that. Then he looked upset, as if he’d just realized this was
all a lot worse than he’d expected.

Beth felt a little sorry for him.

“
You’re
really not ending it with him?”
Robert
said.

“
Nope.
I don’t think so.”

“
You’re
serious?
I’d just assumed you’d stop with
him now I’d found out.”

“I just said I wouldn’t.”

“I know, but…”

“
I thought
you might,” she said.
“Assume.”

“What does that mean?”

“
Nothing.
I thought earlier you’d
assume I was ending things with Ethan. I was right.”

“You really aren’t?”

“
I don’t
know.
Probably not.”

“You’re ending things with me?”

“That’s up to you.”

“
You want
both of us?
At the same time?”

“
Not
really.
And that wouldn’t be fair,
anyway.”

“You really have to decide what you want,
Beth.”

“
I really
don’t have to do anything.
You really
have to decide yourself. You’re still here, being vague, trying to
find out what I plan to do. Just decide yourself, and tell me to
get with the program or fuck off.”

“Tell you that?”

“
Yeah.
Then I’ll know. Then I can decide shit
too.”

Robert
looked at her for a while. “Okay, Beth,” he
said. “I’ll leave you if you do this. If you don’t end it with
him.”

“No, you won’t.”

“I’ll try.”

“So try.”

She suddenly
remembered that they’d been here before.
That she’d wanted to break up, several times, in the first
few months, and Robert had always talked her out of it. By nagging
or begging or being sweet enough she felt guilty. It surprised her
she’d forgotten that, and it only came back to her now.

“Is there anything I can say to change your
mind?” he said.

“
We’ve said
too much.
I’m sick of
talking.”

“And this is how you fix it?”

“
I told
you.
I’m not fixing us, I’m fixing me.
The us doesn’t follow.”

“You’re really a bitch, you know that.”

“
Yep,” she
said, and stood up.
“And that pretty much
settles it. I’m going back to work. There’s a couple of things I
need to do.”

“That kid?”

“
No, you
dick.
Review a paper. Proof-read
someone’s grant application.”

He looked at
her for a moment as though he hated her, then slowly nodded.
Beth suddenly realized that perhaps it wasn’t
normal to go back to her office so quickly after all this, that it
might look unkind.

“
Tonight,”
she said.
“Come up to bed when you’re
ready. You don’t need to sleep on the couch or
anything.”