One Plus Two Minus One (29 page)

“
I’m so
sorry,”
Robert said.

“Get the fuck downstairs and don’t come back
up here.”

“Beth…”

“Fucking go.”

He nodded and went.

She thought
about a shower, and about vomiting, but decided she wasn’t going to
let him matter that much to her.
She
stood there for a while, until she’d calmed down, until her
breathing was back to normal, then went down the stairs. She
stopped two from the bottom, where she was higher but could see
him.

He was on the
couch.
“Sleep down here,” she said.
“We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

“Are you going to be?”

“I hate you.”

He went still, looked at her.

“While you were doing that I realized I hate
you.”

“I didn’t mean....”

“
I hate
you.
How could you do that to
me?”

“
I was
angry.
I was upset.”

“
God, I
know.
That’s why I’m so pissed off. I
understand. I sort of understand. And part of me still loves you.
But I’m so fucking angry at you that you actually did.”

He sat where he was for a while.

“Beth, I’ll do whatever you want.”

She shook her
head, and went back up the stairs.
She
hated him.

Whatever
guilt or concern or obligation she’d felt were gone, and she was
actually just glad.
She wasn’t going to
make him leave, she wasn’t going call the police. She still cared
for him, somewhere inside, but now she hated him too. And that made
everything so much simpler.

*

Beth left
early, before
Robert was awake. She
wasn’t sure how she felt, or how seriously she should take what
he’d tried to do. He’d been drunk, but he’d also been a horrible
person and she’d never known that he was capable of something like
that.

She was
angry.
She was angry because he’d
betrayed her, and in a way humiliated her, and also because it
somehow showed no respect for her mind. In an odd way that was the
worst of it. She avoided Ethan, deliberately. She didn’t want him
noticing something was wrong and getting it out of her by being
nice while she was feeling vulnerable and weak. She wasn’t sure
what would happen if Ethan knew, but she could think of a few bad
outcomes without even trying hard. That he’d treat her like she was
dirty, or needed extra care, or that he’d go off and punch Robert,
which would probably get him expelled, since Robert was still
staff.

Worst of all,
he’d probably stop grabbing her wrists and holding her down on
beds.
She was pretty sure he’d do that,
would just assume he shouldn’t without even asking. He would if he
was any kind of decent person, anyway, and the conversation to
convince him to start again would just be too unbearably
awkward.

She avoided
Ethan, and thought all morning, and got very little work
done.
She decided she and Robert probably
ought to talk. At least she should throw him out herself, decide
that herself, not just let him drift away.

She went home
at lunchtime and
Robert was still there,
probably waiting for her.

She put down
her bag, and went and made coffee.
He
followed her into the kitchen and watched her.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

She shook her
head.
“Don’t.”

“Do you want me to move out?” he said.

“
Yes,” she
said.
“Obviously.”

“I will.”

“
I don’t know
if I’m going to tell you to move out.
Any
sooner than you were, I mean.”

He looked at her.

“
I really
don’t know,” she said.
“I’m thinking. I
don’t know if I can trust you.”

“
I’m
sorry.
I’m really fucking sorry. I don’t
know what I was doing.”

“Stop drinking so much.”

“I will.”

“Some fucking social justice activist,” she
said.

“
That’s
not…”
He stopped.

“You’re a cock,” she said.

“Are you hurt?”

“
What, like
bruised or something?
No.”

He looked
relieved.
“Are you okay?”

“Emotionally?” she said.

He nodded.

“
You tried to
rape me, you fucking asshole.
I’m a
little bit upset.”

“I didn’t really…”

She threw her coffee at him.

It was hot coffee, and she thought about that
and then threw it anyway.

The cup hit his face, bounced onto the floor,
and broke.

He stood
there and looked at her and touched his face.
She hoped it had burned him. She threw the next thing she
could find, a bowl. That hit his chest, hard, like it would leave a
bruise. Bounced off and broke too.

Then she turned around and went upstairs.

She sat on
the edge of the bed for a while and realized she was
shaking.
She wasn’t sure what she should
be doing now. Telling him to leave, telling him never to come back.
She didn’t want to do either, but didn’t know what she did want to
do.

She went back
downstairs and sat on the step two from the bottom.
Feet on the bottom step, sitting on the next one
up. Not touching the actual floor.

“Hey,” she said.

He sat
up.
He’d been lying on the
couch.

“I don’t know,” she said.

He waited.

“
I don’t know
if I want you to go.
I also don’t know if
I want you to stay.”

He nodded.

“
That can
never happen again.
Nothing to even make
me think it will. Nothing to worry me.”

“I promise.”

“
No more
drinking.
Not more not listening when I
tell you something.”

“Okay.”

“If I ever do get worried, I’ll cut off your
balls and then call the police.”

He looked at her.

“
I fucking
mean it.
I’ll get a kitchen knife and do
my best to stab you. I might not get it right, but it won’t be much
fucking fun for you. Then I’ll call the cops while you’re lying
there bleeding.”

“I believe you.”

“Okay.”

She sat a bit longer.

“You need to keep trying to find
somewhere.”

“I am.”

“
Actually
try.
Not putting it off. Not some
bullshit where you tell me you are, but end up getting your own way
and staying because it’s too much hassle for me to get you to do
anything.”

“I don’t…”

“
Yeah, you
do,” she said.
“So shut up.”

He went quiet.

“
I won’t have
Ethan around here for the next few days,” she said.
“Probably. But no promises.”

Robert
looked upset for a moment.

“
Yeah,” she
said.
“Tough shit. I can’t go to his
place, but we’ll make do.”

“Okay.”

“
And you’re
not living here, you’re a guest, you’re staying, and I’ll throw you
out at a moment’s notice if I get worried.
I’m not promising you a thing.”

“Beth, please…”

He looked
miserable.
He had no right to look
miserable, but he did.

“
Oh yeah, and
fuck you,” Beth said.
“By the way. You
caused this.”

“Do you actually want me to stay?”

“No.”

“So why this?”

“
I feel
guilty.
I owe you.”

He was looking at her.

“
Guilt,” she
said.
“That’s all. So do it my way, or
make it easy for me to tell you to fuck off now.”

“Okay.”

She looked at him.

“
Okay,” he
said.
“There’s nothing I can do about it,
so okay.”

“
Good.
You’re down here, don’t come
upstairs.”

He nodded.

“
Okay,” she
said, and didn’t know whether to be upset or relieved that he was
staying.
“I want you gone. Try and make
it quick.”

*

Beth was
letting
Robert stay, but she was still
angry with him. Twice the next day she threw things at him, for no
real reason, just walked past and was unaccountably angry and
hurled whatever was to hand. It actually helped. It was strange,
but having him around to treat like that made her feel a little
better.

“
Hurry up and
find somewhere else,” she said after she’d thrown her wooden fruit
bowl towards his head.
There were four
apples on the floor.

“
I’ll
go,”
Robert said, picking them up. “Do
you want me to go right now?”

“
Yes,” she
said.
Then, “No.”

She went upstairs, then came back down, and
said, “You have until the weekend.”

Then she
phoned Ethan and told him that too, that
Robert would be gone in a week, no matter what, and then
everything would be fine.

She
avoided
Robert. They didn’t see each
other that much, and part of her was glad. She hoped maybe they
could just drift apart, and he would go, without them really seeing
each other any more.

It seemed to
work.
Robert stayed out later, was at his
office more. Beth got used to wandering around the flat alone,
being in bed before he got back. She saw Ethan, but not at home,
and kissed him, and wanted him, but managed to make herself
wait.

Except one
night when they had sex in her office, and she was glad of that
too.
Everything was normal. Everything
was fine. Robert hadn’t changed anything with Ethan, as far as she
could tell.

She came home
late that night, and
Robert asked where
she’d been.

“
Fucking,
Robert. What the fuck do
you think I was doing?”

“Oh,” he said.

“
Why ask?”
she said.
“Why push it when you know, and
make me actually say it, and hurt you?”

“I was worried,” he said.

“What?” she said. “That I’ll get raped?”

Robert
went pale and looked away and didn’t speak to
her again that night.

*

The next evening, the Thursday, she got home
and found him in the kitchen eating a sandwich and drinking
whiskey.

“Sandwich for dinner?” she asked, and ignored
the liquor.

He nodded.

She held up a
supermarket bag.
“Frozen
dinner.”

“Have dinner with me?”

She stood there for a while, then said,
“Yeah, okay.”

She put her
box in the microwave, and watched it spin around.
“How are you doing?” she said, feeling she
should ask.

“Honestly?”

She
shrugged.
“I suppose.”

“It could be worse.”

She turned
around.
She didn’t quite understand, but
she was glad that he felt that way. “How so?”

“You could be with someone I envy.”

The microwave
beeped.
Beth got her dinner, peeled the
plastic off the top, and left it to sit for a minute.

She decided
not to ask about the envy thing.
Robert
was older, she supposed, and had a career. Something like
that.

“
The hardest
thing,”
Robert said. “Is knowing you’re
doing things to someone else you used to do to me.”

“To?”

“
Yeah,
to.
Does that make sense?”

“
Like not
with?
What I do is what counts? Not what
he does to me?”

Robert
nodded.

“Yeah, that kind of makes sense.”

“Thank you for giving me time to find
somewhere,” he said.

She shrugged.

“And I am sorry,” he said.

“Don’t.”

He nodded.

Beth scooped
up her dinner and went and sat at the table.
Robert pushed a placemat over, so she didn’t get steam on
the wood, and she thought for a moment that they did actually fit
together, as a couple, surprisingly well. Except for how he was a
shit.

“
I always
respected your work,”
Robert said. “And I
don’t think you ever did mine.”

Beth didn’t
answer.
She couldn’t, because it was
true, and had been from the very beginning.

“
It’s not
you,” she said at last.
“It’s just I
don’t get…”

“Anything that isn’t abstract algebra?”

“Yeah.”

“
I just
thought it might make a difference if you knew that.
That I respect you, and your work. That I never
meant to put you down or anything.”

“Okay,” she said.

They sat there for a while.