One Split Second (25 page)
Authors: Gillian Crook
Everything after that was fine. I ate the tea which was a shepherd pie, and it was actually quite nice, then I just watched telly and sent txts to the kids… then by 9 oclock I was bloody hungry and ate 6 HUGE chunks of toblerone and then after about 5 minutes felt really, bunged up and sick (in a piggy way). YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE EATEN TOO MUCH AND JUST WANNA MAKE YOURSELF SICK; It was so bad, I even asked one of the nurses to take away ALL the sweet things that I had on my table, on my bed and in the locker and wardrobe. She was a bit reluctant because she said I would regret it. I was having none of it… so she took them anyway and said she would leave them at the nurses station, and that if I didn’t ask for them back quick enough, they would all be eaten by the other nurses anyway… especially the night staff! Well, I’m gonna try and move now if i can!! I can’t manage to be sick, get up a proper sneeze or cough, and all because of my squashed diaphram! On that note I am gonna say, Bon Nuit mon amies et j’aime mes enfants, et mere and pere et tout les familie (I haven’t a clue if that’s right)!! And here’s to a sweet free zone… . for how long I wonder?
OMG, bloody, Loud Linda, on today. I do give her as good as she gives out, but, by christ, she is coarse, Graham Norton is Playschool stuff in comparison to her… there was an Agency nurse in working with her today, and I was speaking to him and he said he could handle anyone… huh! I just smirked and said ‘good luck’! . . . by 10am he wanted to kill her!!
I’m actually feeling quite bloated and sluggish today and that’s only after breakfast. Do I actually have to stop eating in order to get my ‘flat tummy’ again? Yup, I think I do! In the afternoon I was definitely going onto the prone trolley. Meantime, someone stopped me because the tube for the vac was hanging out and I had to go back to the ward to have it checked. I must admit, John and the other physios are really professional, they don’t miss a trick. I had no idea just how many different things they have to know and do… they are bloody mechanics, nurses, psychologists and sometimes it feels like I have a personal trainer as well. I know when Roddy was here on placement he was hoping that he could come back full time. That would be nice if he did… he could be MY p.t.
When I got back to the ward I send more txts to; Joan, it was her 41st birthday; Simon (no chance, but I will try for a reply); Karen Mac (best buddie, but I will see her soon… wonder if she has learned to txt yet)! Yes, Karen can’t stand all these damn mobile things (as she calls them)—too intrusive!
Feeling really sore and that corset is pulling soo tight. So, to take my mind off it, I thought I would offer when they came looking for volunteers to go into the dayroom to listen to some guy on a guitar. Well, lucky I went, because that meant there were 4 patients there, and that was including me. I wasn’t there that long when they brought the phone through to me and it was Casey. She was not a happy bunny, she was annoyed at everything; school, friends, Mitch, life, but mostly… DAD. So I just listened to her let off some steam, and then said “anything else you wanna get off your chest?” and she said “NO”, and we both said “goodnight, love you”. And I firmly believe after Casey getting all that out of her system, it was just that. A Good Night! I am watching a really disturbing documentary called ‘Chatting to Death’ and there are all these people talking about their suicides, or at least how they are going to plan it!! Someone is even going to set up his webcam for his ‘virtual’ friends to watch. Fuck!! SICK! SAD! DISTURBING! FREAKISH!! So, on that happy note, zzzzzzz
Well, I don’t know what’s wrong but I almost feel constipated… and at the doctors round I wanted to say something, but I don’t like to when there are so many of them in the posse, and especially when one of the student doctors is drop-dead-gorgeous (even better looking than Brad Pitt)!! John had said that today he would come back later because Mr Templar had wanted him to have a look at the pressure sore when it was getting dressed. Maybe I can say something to one of the nurses… (I get embarrassed at things like ‘stuck poo’—I’m even looking away as I’m writing this with a squashed up face like a prune and slanty eyes)!
By the time I had had my shower and got back to the ward, it was lovely and quiet, but I must mention one thing… . at the top end of the ward, there is a patient and he is all wired up to various machines and all you can see is his head which is directed at the tv, and his arms just sit on his table. He has a ventilation mask over his mouth and he looks… spooky! I know that’s not very nice, but he does. When I asked the nurse, she was telling me that he had been in an accident and was paralysed from the neck down, but he also suffered 30% brain damage. When I asked about the ventilation mask, she told me it was the ventilator that was keeping him alive!! My god, what an existence… she then went on to tell me that he had been like that for for 5 years! Jesus, that’s awful. I asked her why he was in this ward, when he clearly, wasn’t able to do rehab. She said that the admission ward was only short-term, and that patients were treated there for their diagnosis results and injuries, until they were able to be transferred to Phillipstoll Ward for rehabilition. So the reality of it is that the only rehabilitation they can do for this man, called Jim, is now to keep him ALIVE!! Yikes!! I asked if he could understand people when they talk to him, and she said that he can move a small amount and gesture, but that’s about all. I think that is so sad! What a bastard life can be and what sort of life does that poor guy have now? What a terrible existence… god forgive me, but if that were me, I would just want someone to end it all for me and HIT THAT SWITCH! By the way (btw) for the record, they have their own supply of electricity to the ventilators, so they are not affected by mobile phones.
So, back to my morning… well, staff nurse Lynn went off to get organised to do my dressing and telephone John H. to let him know to come round in the next 15 minutes. Meantime, I was trying to fiddle about with my phone, when Duncan woke up… well, it didn’t take him long until he was asking questions? He was asleep when the posse came round, and they didn’t wake him, so he asked me if he missed anything?. So, I told him that they were discussing him going home to Oban at Christmas time, and that there might be a problem? I was only kidding, but to see his face was priceless… he was blaming Dr Didn’t for everything, for not having organised it properly and he would ring his neck when he got hold of him. He was raging!! and, Dr Didn’t wasn’t even there today! Then Lynn came back into the ward with the dressings and Duncan asked her what had been said on the doctors round about christmas, and what was the problem with him going to Oban… Lynn explained that nothing had been mentioned about his christmas trip home, and that as far as she was concerned it was all agreed and arranged. He looked across and me, and rage coupled with relief, meant that he just grimaced and told me ‘he would get me back’. He’s not a bad old bugger, he can take a joke, but by god, when he starts on the staff, he really goes to town if he ain’t happy about something. I like him though. He just like a grumpy grandad.
When John came round, Rhona was with him, then Lynn followed. She took the vac off first, then proceeded to take the dressing off. All the time she was explaining what and why she was doing. She seemed happy enough with the wound, but John did comment that it was ‘quite a size’!! Well, tell us something we don’t know! After that was done John showed Rhona how to help me do some stretching exercises… then… he went off and left us happily stretching! Even though I couldn’t feel my legs being massaged properly, it still relaxed me in some way, it’s very strange, and it must be psychological, because even though I know I can’t feel it… if I can picture myself being massaged, I can almost really ‘feel’ . . . aah, the stress ‘lifting’, aah, bliss! I wonder if they have any of those relaxation tapes!! Maybe I could use a tape rather than diazapam to get to sleep… I don’t think so!! Rhona also told me to speak to the O.T. Occupational Therapy Department, and I told her that so far they have given me a long bendy mirror, so that I can check my skin all over and it’s a pretty nifty thing. They’ve also given me a stick that helps me to pick up things, and I have aptly named that my ‘grabber’, grr! If only it was long enough for me to reach over and annoy Duncan somehow… I’m sure there will be something I can do.
When the lunch came, Lynn put something down on my table that I didn’t actually recognise at first, and on closer inspection, it was an Indian curry. I was actually quite peckish and noticed that there was also a poppedom covered under a serviette, oh, very fancy, so I thought I would at least try it… . once I actually tasted a bit, I was pleasantly surprised at just how tasty it was, so, I went on to finish the whole lot… actually, it wasn’t a huge portion and I didn’t feel full up which was a good thing, because I was going on the prone trolley after lunch, and I certainly don’t want to go on it with a full tummy, imagine, beach whale on a skateboard (not a very pleasant image), and when I feel full I feel ‘humungous’! Actually, I have found that the more I use the trolley the better I can handle it, and it is allowing me that little bit of freedom, and I’m beginning to get to know more people in the unit and quite often I stop in the lounge or dining area. Sometimes, I surprise myself how nice I can be, because at first I really didn’t want to discuss anything with the other patients or even know them. One of the problems with the lounge is that there is very little privacy if you want a bit of peace. There’s a pool table in it… and straight through from the lounge is the dining area, AND in the dining area, they allow smoking at the bottom, by the sliding doors. I know… it is really unusual to have a smoking area in a dining area, and I have got no idea how they manage to get away with it… . but they do. All the boys gather there for ciggies (and other things), and a chinwag. I really hope I don’t start smoking at this stage, and thankfully, I’m not at the moment. I say thankfully, because if I do, it is going to be a nightmare to try and get through to the dining room every time I fancy one, because I’m confined to the bed. Oh god, what a palavar that would be… me getting wheeled through for a ciggie every hour or so… . No thanks, I’m not craving at the moment and long may it continue plus, I shouldn’t think the staff are able to keep pushing me through… in fact, I KNOW they wouldn’t be able to, or want to!
When I was getting onto the trolley, Rhona was telling me the there was going to be a wheelchair exhibition through in the gym in the afternoon. I went through on the trolley, and there was a demonstration, and the sales rep was passing about leaflets and brochures on the various wheelchairs. He demonstrated about 3… and they all looked quite interesting, but the one that caught my eye was the one that lifted you up quite high, so that, e.g. you would be able to reach up to the top shelf in supermarkets or the library. Well, it was an amazing piece of machinery, but coming back down, the machine got stuck. I don’t think he planned on that happening, and it was really funny… here’s this guy, giving us all the spiel about how we cannot live without this ‘superchair’, the next best thing in modern day technology, and every cripple should have one, . . . and what happens… the damn thing that costs about 5 grand, goes and gets stuck for fuck sake!! No commission for you this time mate! I then posed the question, that in the event that the machine broke down or ‘gets stuck’, (as it did) when you’re out and about, apart from panic, what would you do, and the answer was to ‘have a set of allen keys on you’—as you do!! It was quite interesting I suppose, but at this stage, I am just happy to settle for a wheelchair with two wheels that stay firmly on the ground.
So after that the rest of the day just went on as normal, and I’m not going to bore myself by writing about teatime and all that, but later on managed to get hold of Casey, and she was in on her own, Mitch was staying with his friend Tom, and Barry was out with Shonah and and Jamie. So my little darling was telling me all about different things, but the one main thing she is really looking forward to, of course, is coming up at Christmas, she is soo excited. We talked for ages, until, I heard a noise in the background, and it was Barry coming home, so I told Casey that I didn’t really need to speak to her dad and I would speak to her tomorrow and loved her loads. Oh god thank you for such a wonderful daughter.
I really wanted to kill Duncan, because he was almost ‘growling’ at me when I was on the phone, because he wanted to use it… Well, I didn’t bloody know, and I didn’t bloody CARE, it was Casey! . . . and I told him that, AND that he was lucky I hadn’t been on for longer!! Actually, once he knew it was Casey he was fine, but I must speak to him about the phone, because I have noticed that he uses it EVERY night about the same time, so we will have to come to some sort of arrangement… (you would think we were the only two in the unit that used the phone!). They do have 2 payphones, but only one works, and since I have been here that’s been the case. Anyway, I needed to speak to mum, but I let Duncan use it because he wanted to let his wife know the phone was free! See, I ain’t all bad. So, telepathy at work here, because whilst Duncan was on the phone, one of the nurses came in to tell me that mum had phoned the nurses station to leave a message that she would be coming through tomorrow with Tony. Oh good, lets see what happens. Actually, I want to see mum, if only to tell her that she doesn’t need to worry so much about always trying to get through. I love seeing her, but I worry about mum, and I don’t want her doing too much. She’s even talked about getting the bus, I really don’t want her doing that on her own, but she is fiercely independent!! Love her.
I think, that at the moment the run up to christmas seems very slow. If my rehabilitation programme can change my body and state of mind, it will have to be pretty good!
Watching Judge Dredd about court cases, at the moment, and it’s quite funny because it reminds me of Angela whose only just about to qualify. It’s funny I can see her in court, grilling someone over the coals; she’ll most probably be fiery but fair, and Roselyn, whose a Lawyer as well; she’s what I would probably call, the more diplomatic and approachable one, and it feels like Roselyn was born a lawyer!! Oh Duncan was looking ‘so hard doneby’, I explained to him that I felt bad about being short with him and I’m sorry. He’s Ok now!