One Voice 02 - Here Without You (11 page)

I lowered my head to the bed and spread my legs enough to give Nate the access he needed. As Nate pushed inside, Zander stretched out beside me, leaned up and covered my lips with his, and swallowed all of my gasps. Soon Nate was moving in and out of me in a steady rhythm. Every once in a while I felt an electric spark of sensation that elevated my sensitivity ten notches. When I started panting into Zander’s mouth, he reached beneath me and began stroking. With the feeling of both my men loving me at the very same time, I couldn’t hold back, and I let myself go into Zander’s hand.

Nate pulled out of me, bent down, and kissed the back of my neck as I slowly returned to earth. Once I trusted my voice to work again, I said simply, “Zander’s turn.” Nate wiped himself off with a towel I’d put beside the bed.

Zander was what you might call eager. He flipped onto his belly, and Nate and I adjusted our positions so he was between us. Nate, I noticed, was still very excited, as he hadn’t climaxed when he made love to me. The two of us prepared Zander’s backside with more lubricant and more touching. When Zander started to moan softly, I felt a tenderness and connection to him I had never before experienced. Zander, so cool and calm, was lying on his stomach, showing us his vulnerability. It was beautiful and precious, and Nate and I looked at each other and smiled.

“You wanna take him, Casey?” Nate was still looking at me.

For a few seconds, time stood still. I knew for a fact that I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to be on top of him. I didn’t want to push my way inside Zander or Nate, but I also didn’t have the words to explain my feelings. I had this inner knowledge of myself and what I wanted sexually. And I didn’t want to do that.

I shook my head, and Nate nodded.

“It’s okay, babe. You do what you wanna do.
Just
what you wanna do.” I watched as Nate positioned Zander and gradually entered him.

For a full minute, I just watched Nate’s expression of concerned tenderness, combined with controlled pleasure, as he studied the flexing of the muscles in Zander’s back. I saw Zander squinting and rolling back his eyes as he adjusted to the loving invasion—wanting it and enduring it, both at the same time. And what I saw wasn’t dirty or shameful or pornographic. Not even slightly. It was the picture of beauty. The picture of trust.

I saw my future on that bed beside me.

Zander pulled me toward him so I would share in the moment. At almost the same time, Nate grasped my shoulder and drew me against his thigh. So I joined them. I leaned up and kissed Nate deeply as he made love to our Zander. Next I flattened myself on the bed on my back close beside Zander, and I did as he had for me. With my lubricated hands, I grabbed his penis and tugged at it in time with Nate’s thrusts.

“Kiss me, Casey. Please… I wanna be kissing you when I come.”

I stretched up, parted Zander’s lips with my tongue, and explored the inside of his mouth as he pushed himself into my hand. Soon Nate’s movements became frenzied. Before I knew it, both of my lovers were grunting and then groaning. I recognized the sounds as those of both physical satisfaction and emotional fulfillment.

When it was over, I snatched up the towel beside us on the bed and cleaned my lovers. Then they cleaned me.

“You didn’t get inside me, Zander.” Nate looked almost guilty.

Zander and I both looked at Nate, but Zander was the one to respond. “We have the rest of our lives for me to get inside you.” He said it with such confidence, such sureness, that his words caused goose bumps to rise on my arms and chest. The smile that spread across Nate’s face—and I mean, it lit up his whole face—made Nate appear more stunningly beautiful than ever before. Then Zander added, “And Casey, you haven’t topped either of us.”

“I don’t want to.” If I couldn’t be honest with these two men, I couldn’t be honest with anyone. “It’s just not… not me.”

Both men nodded, accepting my decision easily.

“If ya change ya mind, just scream,” Nate instructed me with an adorable directness.

Zander and I smiled at Nate.

“You guys will be the first to know if I change my mind.”

Zander yawned and sort of pushed me and then Nate onto our backs. I knew he was tired and ready to sleep. Like always, I ended up in the middle, and both of my lovers crowded in on me. I stayed on my back, and they faced me on their sides, curled against me, our feet tangled together in a way that I loved.

“I love you guys.” It was all I could think of to say. It sounded so good, we let it ring in the darkened room as the last words of the night.

Z
ANDER
Z
ANE
’
S
One Voice Blog Spot—by invite only

Your host, Zander Z

***
Note to self
—remove before setting blog to public

This is a private post. Dan, since you’re my only follower right now, I’ll post it here. But before I let the public read my blog, I’m gonna take this one down. Too personal.

So yeah, dude, this post is gonna be like the old days back in high school when I sent you all of those TMI e-mails. And this one is gonna live up to the old “TMI way.” Enjoy if you can get through it without too much “ewwww.” LOL.

You are talking to your now nonvirgin little brother. Yup. You heard me right. Nate came for the weekend. And we “did the dirty deed” several times over. And there was
nothing
dirty about it. I am so glad we waited ’til we were older and out of high school—
really
ready—and that we waited to make love until a day when we had time to spend alone with each other before, during, and after the big moment. You know?

I just love those two guys so much. I know I’m only eighteen, but I see a real future with them. It’s like we fit, just the way you and Abby do. It’s real. Incredibly real. And I need you to understand that. I need you to respect our relationship and to accept it as much as I accept your relationship with Abby. You’ve never said anything to me to lead me to believe that you have a problem with the three of us being together. But not saying anything negative is not enough, Dan. I want you to love Nate and Casey as if they were two more brothers. The way I love Abby like a sister.

I feel relieved that I just put this all out there for you to read. It’s been on my mind for a while now, and writing it here will give you a chance to read it and then think it over. Maybe you can call me over the next few nights, and we can talk.

O
KAY
,
SO
back to One Voice business. For reasons that I’m sure you can figure out from reading what I’ve written so far in this post, I am more committed to One Voice than ever before. On Sunday, all three of us attended the One Voice meeting, and it felt so right. But first let me tell you about how we met up with these two girls from One Voice, Anna and Claire, for dinner.

Anna and Claire are a lesbian couple I met in my ethics class. I invited them to join One Voice right off the bat. They have a few things in common with Casey, Nate, and me. That might sound weird, as they are a lesbian couple and we are a gay threesome, but they do. They were high school sweethearts like we were. And they had to hide the truth of their relationship for fear of the reaction of the other students at their Christian academy. And like them, we also kept our relationship quiet until the very end of high school.

Anna and Claire are really committed to One Voice. They haven’t missed a meeting. Early last week I introduced Casey to them. I thought he was gonna have a panic attack, as he and teenage girls make for a tough combination, but he ended up liking them. I was proud of him. He forced himself to give them a chance, and it turned out so cool.

BTW, I was completely up front with the One Voice group that I was involved in a threesome, or as Casey calls it, a throuple. After the group members stared at me for a few seconds, all but one just accepted it. This one dude proclaimed we were all fucked up and took off. But I figure, nobody should give a flying fuck what I do in my bed, right? So anyway, Anna and Claire suggested that the three of us meet them for dinner before the One Voice meeting on Sunday evening.

We met up at the student caf’ on lower campus, where we’d never eaten before. The girls wanted to try it out, as it has a new stir-fry station. I could tell Nate didn’t want to go. He hinted around about leaving before dinner and getting on the road to pick up his sister, but I refused to let him off the hook. Casey and I have high hopes that he’ll be joining us in Boston sooner rather than later, and it’s important that he feels he’s part of our life here. Having mutual friends is an important part of that.

So off we trudged. It was a twenty-minute walk from upper campus to New Caf, which is what everybody calls it. Nate, of course, was silent, and Casey wasn’t his usual chatterbox self, probably because of his inner mistrust of teenage girls and his sadness that Nate would be leaving that night.

The girls were waiting for us when we got there, and they were as bubbly and sweet as always. I could tell they were working hard to put Nate at ease.

“So, Nate, we meet again.” Anna was the first to speak. “Do you remember us from the One Voice meeting you attended a few weeks ago? I’m Anna, and this is my girlfriend, Claire.”

Nate nodded and grunted something affirmative.

The two girls smiled widely at Casey too. I noticed that his shoulders relaxed, probably from relief at their overt friendliness.

“This new stir-fry bar is supposed to be awesome. We’ve been dying to try it.”

We followed Anna as she headed to the food services area.

Once we were all seated in front of plates of stir-fried rice and vegetables at a spacious circular table, a conversation between the five of us finally got going, and I was able to relax.

“So where do you work, Nate?” Anna immediately took charge of the conversation. That’s kinda her style.

“I… uh… I just pump gas.” Nate didn’t remove his eyes from his rice.

“Well, I pumped gas at a marina near my house every summer since I was fourteen. And it’s paying for all of my room and board here at BCC. So I have pumping gas to thank for this very forkful of chicken, rice, and bean sprouts.” She smiled and shoveled it into her mouth.

Nate looked up at her. “I walk dogs too.”

That’s when Claire chimed in. “My mom is a dog groomer. I’ve been the official dog walker for her business for about as long as I can remember.”

Claire got a tentative smile from Nate.

“Have you ever seen one of those tiny papillons? They’re so cute,” Claire said.

“Um, I walk dogs at an animal shelter—mostly mutts.”

And so ensued a conversation about mixed dog breeds.

Casey wasn’t babbling away, but he appeared relaxed and happy enough. I was convinced that the foundation of what could be a good friendship was being laid.

We had eleven people at the One Voice meeting, as Britta had brought along a couple of her third-year roommates, who happened to be straight allies. We outlined next Saturday’s Student Involvement Day event, finalized who would monitor the table and what games we might play in the grass, and confirmed who was bringing what for food.

“Remember, if we have the best cookies out of all the other clubs, we
will
attract attention,” Britta reminded us. “So me and the girls here will make our famous megahuge chocolate chip snickerdoodles, because we have a kitchen in our apartment. Those cookies alone will gather a crowd.”

I was appreciating Britta’s positive spirit more and more with each meeting. She pushed her fingers through her white hair as she bragged about her cookie-making skill.

“I’m the only one who can do these cookies justice. I’ll make them just before my turn at the table, and they’ll be warm. The smell will grab students by the nose and haul them in.”

From their spots beside each other to my left, Casey and Nate smiled.

I hope like hell Nate can find a place for Cindy to stay next weekend. I really want him to be at this rally with us. He can carry our table out to the quad and stand there like an LGBT bouncer.

Okay, gotta head. Casey’s waiting for me. He’s dragging me off to the library. Again. Midterms soon.

Call me, dude.

11

N
ATE
’
S
D
IARY

September 27

I
WAKE
up alone. I eat alone. I work alone. I come home alone. I sleep alone.

Sometimes I sit in my truck and listen to this song, “Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down, over and over again ’til my eyes are all friggin’ misty.

Yeah. Wah, wah, wah. Poor fuckin’ Nate.

Shit, I really ain’t all alone. I got Cindy to take care of. And there’s a few guys at work I shoot the shit with every now and then. And Missy behind the counter at the minimart. But it’s not the same. Not like bein’ with them two.

Almost wish I hadn’t made love to ’em this past weekend.

Sounds fucked up, I know. But before, when they were away from me, I missed the hell outta ’em cuz I loved ’em so fuckin’ much. But now I been
inside
’em. Shit. This is gonna sound so friggin’ messed up, but now I feel like I’m
mated
with Casey and Zander, like in those dumb vampire movies that Casey can’t get enough of. Like I need to be near ’em—to look after ’em and stay on the same wavelength with ’em and keep on lovin’ ’em with my body so they know who they belong to. Not just cuz of horniness neither.

So last night I woke up around two cuz I had a fucked-up nightmare. Those Queen Bees from high school were at Boston City College, and they were beatin’ the livin’ shit outta Casey—kinda like the way Uncle Rich beat the livin’ shit outta me and how Liz Trainer kicked Casey’s ass junior year of high school, but both put together. And I was watchin’ it from far away. I couldn’t get to him to help. Zander was callin’ for me—screamin’ for me, really—cuz all of these preppy college dudes were holdin’ him back. They were physically holdin’ on to him, cuz they wanted him to hang with them, I figure, and he couldn’t get to Casey. And I was friggin’ desperate, flailin’ around in my bed, which is what woke me up.