One Way Or Another You Will Pay (15 page)

He.
Wanted. Me. How’s that? (Big smile.)

And
that pay rise, that promotion? He negotiated all that for me! I am shocked, stunned, grateful, and …well, happy! Thrilled. Yay!

I
try my hardest to remember that he is an offender, a prisoner, and I am a guard, but I no longer see it that way. He’s a person, not an offender.

Tom
has muscle in Remington and I discovered why – he gambles online for Rogers and Rodney. The dynamic duo of Remington Correctional Services? Them. He’s making them a shipload of money at night it seems, and they are very grateful to him.

He
told me how it all went down. He gave Rodney and Rogers lottery numbers that made them win eleven grand, apparently. Thereafter, they constantly badgered him for numbers. He told them that he was a genius when it came to online gambling and he could make them more money if he had access to the computer.

After
that, he’s been working every night on the computer. It’s all hushed, of course. No one is being hurt, so I guess it’s okay.

Anyway,
I have to admit, I look forward to going to work these days. Tom says I brighten the place. He says that I am like a 100-watt light bulb in a strictly 40-watt light bulb zone.

Can
you believe those words? How good is he with words? (Big smile.)

Anyway,
I found myself telling him things I have never told anyone before. Some of them, I regretted telling him. When I told him so, he assured me my secrets are safe with him.

I
trust Tom. I really do.

More than an hour later, Bear hurries into my room and drops a kiss that lands between my nose and lips. “Good shit?” His eyes gleam with excitement.

I
point to the diary next to me that I have completed. “Damn good shit.”

“Okay!”
he says and moments later, he’s lying in bed next to me, pouring over the diary

I
finished with.

22
nd
December

Just
two days to Christmas, Dear Diary. Tom told me he has a surprise for me. A Christmas gift! I don’t know how, I don’t know what, but I am thrilled to know that he actually thinks about me enough to get me a gift.

It
can’t be easy for him to do that, so I’m bursting with curiosity. By the way, I lost three kilos! Funny thing is, I didn’t diet, I just have no appetite these days and the weight melts away. How cool is that?

I
called home today and my mother said she was very happy to hear me sounding cheerful.

She
said she had been worried about my blue moods and thought I was depressed.

I
told her that I was fine and really learning to appreciate Australia.

Anyway,
I’m off to buy a bottle of cognac for Tom and smuggle it in as his Christmas present. Don’t even know what that is, but he told me that’s what he likes to drink. He didn’t ask me to buy it for him, but I thought I would do it anyway!

He’s
such a sweet, loving man, I would like to do something nice for him.

22
nd
December,

Yes,
I know this is my second entry for the day, Dear Diary, but I am a little worried. Tom asked me for my bank account and my pin number. He said he wanted to do something nice for me. Said I must not ask him what and why; I must just trust him.

I
have $116.32 cents in my account, which I cannot afford to lose, so, of course, I am worried. But he’s so sincere, or seems to be, that I just couldn’t say no. I mean, we’re friends now. Really good friends and I don’t think he will empty my account, but …

(Worried
sigh.) Anyway, stay tuned.

PS:
if I lose my $116.32 I’m not going to have money for food or petrol until my pay cheque clears. Cross your fingers for me, Dear Diary.

PS:
I didn’t buy the cognac. It was $75 a bottle! Silly me, here I was thinking it would be around $20 and I thought, what the heck, I will buy it for Tom. Splurge on him. I feel disappointed and stupid. Maybe I will buy him something else. I don’t know …

23
rd
December.

Dear
Diary

You
are not going to believe this! Oh my God, I have soooo much to tell you!

Okay,
first, last night, Tom called me over to the computer and made me log onto my account. When I did, I was shocked. My bank balance was $7,900! At first, I thought it was a mistake or he was playing the fool with me but then I logged off and on again, and yes, it was $7,900.

That’s
excluding my $116.32!

That
is my present from Tom. That is my Christmas present from him!!!

Can
you believe it?

I
am floating, flying high in the sky, Diary. Anyway, I rushed to Western Union and deposited $6,900 into my mother’s account. Now they can have a wonderful Christmas! I am so excited. I didn’t tell my mother how much I put, I just told her to collect the money.

Then,
I called her back and she was screaming her head off.

She
said, ‘Did you rob a bank or something?’

I
laughed and cried with her. (I’m crying now as I write.)

“Now,
I can pay the electricity, the water bill, and the school fees too,” she said. “Oh, and I will give some to the church too.”

I
like how she always thinks about the church.

Tom
told me that he will make me more money and that I mustn’t worry about saving it, I must spend it. Oh, and the word ‘mustn’t,’ every time I use it, Tom laughs his head off.

He
says it’s such a funny word, ‘mustn’t.’ I don’t get why he’s amused, but who cares.

Anyway,
I went to the bottle shop and bought Tom a bottle of Cognac for …$199! Yes. I spent almost $200 dollars on the bottle of Hennessey Cognac that comes in a lovely bottle shaped like a woman. Very pretty. Oh, and the ‘g’ is silent, Tom says.

PS:
And here I was worrying about my measly $116.32. I feel very small-town, I have to admit.

PPS:
I admit, I am small-town. (Huge grin.)

24
th
December

Dear
Diary, last night, a few things happened.

First
of all, Tom loooved the Cognac. I wrapped it in cellophane and stuck on a gold bow then I snuck it into the room and he was really surprised. He opened it and had a couple shots right away. He insisted I have some. I said I couldn’t. I mean, I was working, I had to drive home, I didn’t like spirits…

But
Tom insisted I taste it. It was …horrible. Lol!

But
I had three drinks with him and it was nice. The feeling, not the cognac. Anyway, I did something I shouldn’t have done last night.

Let
me explain. After Tom and I had the drinks, we both were mellow and the conversation went something like this:

“I
didn’t thank you for the gift,” Tom said.

“Yes,
you did,” I said.

He
walked up to me, held my face in his hands, and kissed me. On the lips. I wanted to push him away, but it felt so good and so…natural, that I didn’t. I just smiled and felt my face grow really hot.

“You’re
blushing,” he whispered. “That is so precious.” Then he leaned in and kissed me again. This time, he used tongue and, Dear Diary, I liked it. I liked it very much.

“You
taste beautiful,” he whispered and I smiled, feeling really shy.

“I
love your shyness,” he said, before he pushed me against the wall and locked his body against mine. This time, when we kissed, I slid my arms around his neck and took over his mouth. He’s a marvelous kisser and his kisses left me feeling drunk and weak.

I
felt his erection against me, which tells me he wanted me.

“You’re
beautiful,” he kept saying.

I
know he’s lying because I know for a fact that I am not beautiful, but still it felt…nice. I felt wanted and desired. Never felt like that before.

Anyway,
Dear Diary, before you judge me, we didn’t go any further. We just spent the next couple hours, kissing and necking.

Okay,
he did touch my breasts as well. But that was all. It’s not going to go any further. I know what the consequences are if it does.

24
th
December

Dear
Diary, judge away, I have crossed a line.

But…I
am not sorry.

Here’s
what happened.

We
drank more of that Cognac last night. Everything around us felt festive and light and the place didn’t feel like work or a prison. You could say, my spirits were high. Lol!

So
I was a little tipsy and when Tom asked me to remove his cuffs, I did.

Then
he kissed me long and hard and I kissed him back. His lips moved to my neck, then to my boobs and I didn’t stop him when he pushed aside my bra and sucked my nipples. It felt really good to have his mouth on my breasts like that and my knees, oh boy, they just got wobbly and I needed to sit down. But Tom pushed me onto the couch in the room and climbed over me.

“Take
off your shirt,” he said.

“No,”
I whispered.

“I
want to love you better,” he said.

I
must admit, the word ‘love’ changed things for me. I suddenly realized that I might be in love with Tom.

I
found myself taking off my shirt. He unhooked my bra and took my breasts in his hand.

“You’re
beautiful,” he kept saying as he massaged my breasts tenderly.

“Such
perfection.”

Then
he began sucking wildly on my nipples, greedily and sometimes, it sort of hurt but I didn’t mind. I liked his mouth on my nipples, I liked his hands on my breasts, I liked the way he wanted me.

Desired
me. It was something to feel desired. Made me feel powerful.

“Sorry
for being rough,” he said, “but I can be a demon in bed.”

I
laughed. Him, a demon? As if I believed that.

Then,
he took off his shirt and pressed our chests together. We smiled at each other then kissed again and it was beautiful, I tell you. Made me feel like I had consumed a whole bottle of cognac, even though I had only had three drinks.

All
the while, I felt his erection grinding against my crotch and it felt good. When he rubbed against me, I didn’t mind. But I didn’t take off my pants. I think it was because he didn’t ask me to. I don’t know why he didn’t. Maybe I would have. Not sure right now. Maybe he was being a gentleman, I don’t know.

But
it was beautiful and I regret nothing. Right now, I’m still sort of floating.

But
it’s nothing I can’t handle. It’s not like penetration took place.

I stop reading when I noticed Bear has stopped reading. The diary is opened on his chest, while his brows are one.

I
don’t need to ask him what’s wrong, I know he’s as disturbed by what he’s reading as I am.

This
Ingrid is nothing like we thought she was.

“Conflicted,
are you?” I ask. “Now that you know just how small-town she is and how she’s being suckered into Tom’s web?”

He
stares at me but it’s more like he’s looking past me, deep in thought.

I
nod and continue reading.

25
th
December

Last
night was magical, Dear Diary.

Tom
and I kissed like crazy. When he worked on the computer, which he had to do, he made me sit next to him and every now and then, he’d pull me over to straddle him and we would make out like crazy. Like two teenagers, lol.

At
one point, his hand slid between my thighs and he stroked really gently.

It
was heaven, I tell you. I was embarrassed because my crotch was grinding up against his fingers and he started laughing.

But
then he stopped, just when I was about to orgasm.

“You’re
so lovely,” he whispered. “I like this uninhibited part of you.”

Me,
uninhibited? He’s got to be joking, I thought. I’m really shy but his words, they were so powerful; they give me courage or the go-ahead to be daring, Diary, so I find myself being uninhibited and loose with him.

“It’s
you,” I laughed and ran my hand down his chest, over his stomach and over his erection. “You bring out the beast in me.”

He
let out a long gasp as I stuck my hands inside his pants and grabbed hold of his shaft. Slowly, I jerked my hand up and down. I loved how his eyes closed and how his head fell back. I couldn’t help but feel so powerful and liberated.

Slowly,
I pushed down his pants and ran my free hand over his butt. He had a nice, firm butt.

From
all his workouts, probably.

When
he unzipped my pants, I didn’t mind one bit.

“What
took you so long?” I asked.

“You
are way too beautiful and pure and I didn’t want to soil you, defile you.”

Can
you believe those words? How wonderful a man was he?

I
was overwhelmed with love for him at the moment. Well, not love as such, but I felt really moved by his kind and uplifting words.

He
carried me to the couch and laid me on it. He took his penis and ran it lightly over my lips down there and each time he did that, I spread my thighs wider for him. He just laughed and continued to tease me. Then, we kissed when he finally entered me, it was as if we were made for each other.

After
that we both dozed in each other’s arms and it was wonderful. When morning came around, I was reluctant for the night to end.

As
I dressed, he said, “I think I’m in love with you.”

I
smiled, took his face in my hands, and kissed him. “I’m in love with you,” I confessed.

“Yeah?
How much?” he asked.

“With
all of this,” I said, placing my hand over my heart.

“Will
you kill for me?” he asked.

I
asked him what he meant.

“Do
you love me enough to kill for me? What will you do to prove your love for me?”

I
stared at him, confused by his question.

“I’m
kidding,” he said and I laughed. He’s such a joker at times.

Life
is great, right now, Dear Diary. For the first time since I came to Australia, I am happy and I don’t miss home anymore. (Big, happy smile.)

25
th
December

Tom,
my dear Diary, gave me another present for Christmas. Another $2,000!

I
am over the moon.

He
spoils me so much. How lovely is that?

I
told him I planned to use the money to visit my family at the end of January in Jakarta. But he doesn’t want me to leave Sydney.

“I
can’t live without you,” he said, as we lay snuggled in each other’s arms.

“I
understand,” I said, even though I was disappointed. “I cannot live without you either.”

“Please
don’t tell anyone about us,” he said. “I don’t want them stopping you from seeing me. They will not understand our love.”

“Okay,”
I said.

“I
want you to go have your hair done,” he said. “I know what will suit you. Colour it mahogany.”

He
went on to describe the kind of bob I should have.

No
man has ever cared how I wear my hair before and I’m feeling thrilled that he takes such an interest in my appearance.

He
also wants me to get a personal trainer and a dietician to help me shape my body and …he will get the money to pay them.

How
wonderful is he?

Oh,
and the sex – wow! It’s amazing. He is a demon in bed!

01 January

Happy
new year, Dear Diary.

I
have to tell you, the sex with Tom is still amaaaazing! He’s insatiable. He can go and go and go! I tease him that he has a Duracell Battery in him.

As
for the games -- Tom likes to play games or role-play. Loves them.

His
favorite is when he strips searches me, the new prisoner, with my hands cuffed behind my back. As he searches, he presses his erection against me and talks dirty to me, eventually taking me from behind.

Sometimes,
it’s a little rough when he puts his forearm over the back of my neck and holds my face against the wall but he says that those positions bring on a dynamic orgasm.

It’s
just role-play, I guess. No harm done.

His
favorite favorite – he’s the prison guard and I’m the new helpless, scared, female prisoner. He steals into my cell at night, puts his hand over my mouth, and rapes me as I try to fight him off.

Not
real rape now, don’t get the wrong idea; it’s just acting and it’s fun, actually. Except when it’s anal. Then it hurts, but it’s all part of the game.

“You’re
now rolling with us big guys and you must wear your big girl panties,” Tom says when I didn’t want to do anal.

But
Tom is right, I have to grow up.

But
I must say, I feel very confident and in control these days.

Tom
is respected by the other prisoners and they probably suspect that there is something going on between Tom and I and because of this, I get respect. No more dirty names, no more indecent suggestions, no more racist names.

Life
is just better because of Tom.

3
rd
January

Dear
Diary, I’m sorry, but I’m no longer going to keep a diary. When I told Tom I kept a diary, he became really upset. He worried someone will find it and read about our precious love.

He
asked me to burn it and I promised him I will.

But
I can’t bring myself to burn you. You are my best friend.

But
for now, I have to say goodbye. (Sad face.)

PS:
The personal training and the dietician consultation is going great. I lost a total of six kilos ever since I started seeing Tom. He says I look beautiful and sexy and that he wants to do me all the time. Ha ha!

3
rd
March

Dear
Diary, I’m not supposed to keep you but I am deeply disturbed by what happened recently.

Last
night, after we made love, Tom and I lay in each other’s arms naked and kissing and loving each other. Then Tom asked me if I could get his ex-wife’s address from our files. He wasn’t able to access it from his computer. She’s not on Facebook and she’s unlisted in the phone book.

I
told him I didn’t feel comfortable doing it.

He
said, “I do so much for you, I give you everything and all I ask from you is one measly favor and you can’t do it for me?” He jumped off the couch and started getting dressed.

“Okay,
okay,” I said and tried my best to pacify him. “I will see what I can do.”

For
some reason, I wasn’t able to access her file. See, I’m not that good with computers.

When
I told him I was unsuccessful, he became furious with me. We started to argue. Then, to my utter surprise, Tom spun around and shoved me so hard, I fell to the ground and lay there for a minute.

I
guess I was so stunned by his aggression, I didn’t know how to react.

When
I got up, I walked to the edge of the room and stood there, where I’m supposed to be when I guard him. Tom ran up to me and started to apologise.

“I’m
so sorry, Ingrid,” he said, holding me close and hugging me. “I guess I lost it. It’s so hard living in these confines and I fear I’m going crazy. I haven’t seen my son in ages and I think that’s what making me go mad. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I have never hit a woman before and I don’t know what came over me.”

I
shook him off and withdrew.

He
spent the rest of the evening trying to make up with me. He even earned me another $300.

“Forgive
me, please, Ingrid,” he begged.

I
shook my head. “Hitting a woman is not acceptable to me,” I said.

He
dropped to his knees, clasped his hands together, and began crying, begging for forgiveness.

What
could I do? I didn’t want to see him cry. He was good to me and my family.

Eventually,
with great reluctance, I did forgive him but I was a little scared of him.

I
think I bruised my tail-bone. It hurts so much when I sit.

10 March.

Dear
Diary, things are good with Tom and me.

I
helped him write a letter to his bitch of an ex-wife. Wrote it for him, actually.

We
told her he had cancer and that he was dying. Hoping to soften her up so she will bring his son to visit him.

He’ll
do anything to see his son. Even lie that he was dying of cancer.

Even
though I understand, I must admit, I am uncomfortable with this whole ex-wife business. He seems a little too preoccupied with her. Maybe I’m being silly…

But
Tom really loves children. He lost one and all he has is his son, yet his ex is keeping them apart. When he talks about his son, tears fill his eyes and my heart aches for him.

He
said that one day, he and I will have three children. I like that. I love children as much as he does so, I have a huge surprise for him; I’ve gone off the pill!

I
really hope to surprise him with a baby soon, Dear Diary. I can just imagine Tom’s face when I present him with a son.

It’s
so exciting, I’m dying to share it with Tom, but I want it to be surprise.

14 May

Dear
Diary, I am in trouble. Tom has hit me. Twice.

Okay,
more than twice.

I
thought he’d be happy about me being pregnant, but he’s not.

When
I told him the good news, he was furious.

He
wants me to abort the baby.

I’m
so confused. I thought he liked children. I thought he wanted children. He speaks

of
his son in such a loving way, so why is he reacting like this to such good news?

Anyway,
I won’t have an abortion. It’s against my Christian principals. Yes, I know what you’re going to say about my morals, me sleeping with a prisoner and all, but still, aborting a child is out of the question for me. I told Tom that.

Right
now, I’m heartbroken. I love Tom so much, I can’t imagine life without him. But I have to think about my baby.

16 May

Tom
is still furious with me.

I
told him that I will stop seeing him then if he feels that way.

We
argued and he grabbed me by the hair and slapped me twice, before shoving me away from him. I hit the wall and fell to the ground. Then he kicked me twice, saying, “Let me kick this thing out of you.”

When
I eventually stood up, I walked out of the room, went to my supervisor, and complained that I had fallen down the stairs and injured myself. Then I left work and went home. I cried all the way home.

I
shouldn’t have gotten pregnant the way I did. Tom is right in a way.