Only Strange People Go to Church (25 page)

‘We. Are. In. Love.’

Maria doesn’t know what to say. She hates to shatter his dreams but for his own sake and for Dezzie’s professional reputation, Brian must grasp the difference between reality and wishful thinking.

‘No, Brian, that’s not true. You might think now that you’re in love with Dezzie but you won’t always think like that.’

‘We. Are. In. Love. We. Make. Love. Ergo. Dezzie. Loves. Me.’

‘Did Dezzie tell you that he loves you?’

Brian smiles.

‘No he didn’t, Brian.’

‘Yes.’

‘No he didn’t, Brian!’

‘Dezzie. Touched. Me. Made. Me. Come.’

Maria’s legs collapse under her and she sits on the floor. When she looks up Brian is smiling, proud of the shocking effect his words have had on her.

Maria rushes out of the dressing room and runs to the toilet. She throws up, retching until her belly is empty. She’s left Brian alone, which is dangerous. If he’s sick, and the chances are he will be, he could choke. She can’t go back in there. She can’t face him. She hates Brian but even as she hates him she knows this is not his fault. He’s nineteen, old enough to go to the pub, old enough to have sex with whomever he chooses. But not really. He’s not like other nineteen-year-olds, he hasn’t snogged at school discos, he hasn’t had the normal shy fumblings, the tentative experiments. His physical disabilities are such that he can’t even find out about his own body. No wonder he’s fallen in love with the first person to have touched him. Maria feels sick again.

She shakes her head until she’s dizzy, her damp hair clinging to the sides of the toilet bowl. But no matter how much she denies it, she feels it must be true. She even knows why it must be true.

Dezzie is too nice, that’s his problem. She’s seen it time and time again in the way he goes out of his way to do everything he can for people. It’s what she loves about him. He’s not a bad person. He only wants to help; he’s so desperate to give what he can to help others that that he doesn’t see the line. And not being able to see it, he has irrevocably crossed it. Really he’s not a bad person, but a flawed one.

Eventually Maria finds the strength to move to the wash hand basin. As she splashes water she catches sight of her slack face in the mirror and nods an acknowledgment. Yes. She was right. A bona fide proposal was too good to be true because Dezzie, sweet stupid fucking Dezzie, is too good to be true. What is she to do?

She knows what she
should
do. She should report it without delay to her line manager. But then what would happen? Dezzie’s feet wouldn’t touch the ground, that’s for certain. Brian’s family might want to involve the police and Dezzie would end up with a criminal record as a sex offender. Tarred forever as an abuser of a disabled person. It’s too ugly to think about.

Would any of this benefit Brian? Probably not. Considering how Brian’s dad Phil responded to the threat from the flasher, he’d go absolutely mental. His parents would probably keep Brian on an even tighter leash than he’s already on and he’d never find love, and certainly not gay love, his father would not tolerate it. If Dezzie went he’d lose his football buddy, his pal to take him to the pub, his best mate. Dezzie has been so good for Brian. Up until now.

And what would Maria lose?

The door opens and three of the choirgirls burst in, giggling and shoving each other to get to the mirror. Maria has to get back to the dressing room. Her duty lies with Brian.

On the way she has to dodge Ray and Alice, who stand whispering at an open fire exit.

‘That’s your ten-minute call everybody,’ Marianne calls along the corridor, clipboard in hand.

Why did Brian have to tell her? He seemed to take an evil delight in telling her. Up until the moment he spewed that poison Maria was happy. She was excited about the biggest night and highest point of her career. She was engaged to be married to a wonderful man.

She can’t face anyone now. There is no excitement left in her for the show. She has to decide what action she must take but first she has to get through the rest of the evening. There’s nothing she can do about it right at the moment anyway. And she owes it to the rest of them to get through tonight. The show must go on.

They’re all there in the dressing room: Fiona, Martin, Jane, Brian and Dezzie. She can’t look at him. Her stomach turns when she thinks of him with Brian. He doesn’t seem to notice; perhaps he thinks she’s nervous about the show. Fiona has arrived wearing her costume, the velvet dress Maria bought her. Martin and Jane
make huge efforts to reassure Fiona that she looks lovely while Maria busies herself brushing Fiona’s hair. This close to the stage they are able to hear the hubbub of the audience and the hush that descends when Mr Spencer takes up his baton. Orchestre Octogene open, not with their classical repertoire but with a medley of rousing Scottish classics:
A hundred Piper’s An Aw and Aw
segueing into
Scotland the Brave
.

There’s a peremptory knock at the dressing room door and Marianne enters.

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m pleased to inform you that we have a full house tonight!’

Blue Group are delighted by this news.

A frisson builds in the dressing room that cannot touch Maria. Marianne sticks her head out into the corridor.

‘Beginners, please! Hexton Hot Steppers, that means you, come on girls. Quietly!’

She turns her attention back to Blue Group. Though she’s dressed like a movie star, her manner is as brisk as ever. Like a general before a battle she moves among her troops reassuring and motivating them.

‘I just came in to tell you that they’re a lovely audience, everybody out there is rooting for us.’ She cocks an ear and a finger and says,

‘Listen to that!’

Unused to the conventions of theatre the audience are singing along with
Flower Of Scotland
complete with harmonies. They are raising the roof and this is only the overture. Everybody wants to be in show business. The whole of Hexton want to be involved in Maria’s show. She should be savouring this achievement. Instead she feels sick.

‘I’m so proud of you all,’ says Marianne, ‘and I know you’re going to do your best and make it a great show. Break a leg, everybody!’

Luckily Blue Group already know what, in theatrical terms, this expression actually means.

‘Break your legs, Miss Bowman!’ they all call, including Dezzie, as she leaves.

Maria can’t take this any longer. She has to speak to him.

‘Jane, look after everything here for a minute, please, will you? Everybody, run through your lines again with Jane, please. And Jane, come and tell me if there is a problem, I’ll just be outside. But only come out if there’s a problem, okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Dezzie, can I have a word with you, please?’

Once they are outside Dezzie tries to pull her into his arms and kiss her. Maria shrugs him off violently.

‘I know.’

Dezzie’s laughing.

‘You know what, you horny little strumpet?’

‘Dezzie I know about what you did to Brian, he told me.’

‘I didn’t do anything.’

Maria exhales. Thank God. Once again she’s jumped in with both feet first, exactly as she did with Ray. When is she ever going to learn to trust people? Nothing happened. Dezzie didn’t do anything, Brian has made it up. Thank God. Maria’s life is still intact.

‘Okay,’ she says, smiling.

‘Well, I didn’t do anything he didn’t want me to do.’

There are worlds between Dezzie’s last two statements. The first one was all Maria wanted to hear, all she ever wanted to know, the second one has dropped like an axe and cleaved her future from her.

‘And what did he want you to do? To touch him? Did you touch him, Dezzie?’

Although he doesn’t answer she can see by his face that he did. All hope of saving this situation is gone.

‘Don’t you know what you’ve done? Brian told me you made love to him. He says he’s in love with you.’

Dezzie throws back his head and laughs.

‘Don’t be ridiculous. He couldn’t do it himself and he asked me to help him out, that’s all. I swear to you.’

‘Ridiculous? You think this is ridiculous? You think it’s a joke, a bit of a laugh? You’re paid to take care of Brian. You were trusted to look after a vulnerable young man and you exploited him Dezzie,
that’s what you’ve done. That’s how people will see it. You had no right to do what you did.’

‘Hey, hey, now don’t be like that. Okay, maybe it was a bit stupid, I’ll admit, but I was only doing the guy a favour. Don’t worry, I’m not gay, you know that. Brian’s a mate, he won’t tell anyone.’

‘He told me. He told his mother. He thinks that you two are in love. Can you not see what you’ve done, Dezzie? You’ve broken Brian’s heart, and mine.’

‘Oh, come on, baby, I think you’re over-reacting a bit here, I never meant any harm, you have to believe me. Brian asked me and I couldn’t … I found it hard to say no.’

Maria nods. Everything that Dezzie is saying confirms the way she feels it must have happened. But it happened. It definitely happened.

‘I swear it’s the first time. It’ll never happen again…’

‘It’s not the first time, Dezzie.’ says Maria sadly. ‘This is all my fault. I saw you cross the line a few times; I should have known when you took them to the pub, but I let it go. I let you carry on encouraging the boys’ rebelliousness and disrespectful behaviour. This isn’t the first time you’ve bent the rules. But that’s what the rules are for. To protect people. To protect Brian. And to protect you from your own well-meaning dangerous stupidity.’

‘Maria, you’re not going to report it. I mean, it doesn’t change things between us. You still love me, don’t you?’

With tears in her eyes Maria whispers, ‘I really wish I didn’t.’

The stagehands, Bob and Gerry, have come to collect Blue Group. Maria and Dezzie are forced to leave their discussion and go back into the dressing room. Blue Group are on next after the Hot Steppers and are to be brought to wait quietly in the wings. After a few minutes’ discussion it is agreed that it is probably better to leave Brian in his chair here in the dressing room until the Hot Steppers have cleared the area. The girls are like a herd of young tap-shoed wildebeest. There will be tears and broken shin bones if they rush off stage and straight into a wheelchair.

Once the others leave the dressing room an uneasy silence is palpable amongst what Maria thinks of bitterly as this sad fucked
up
ménage a trios
. Fiona only increases the tension by returning to the room to get her lucky key ring. She leaves and is back a few minutes later to give Maria a last-minute hug and tell her she loves her. This brings tears to Maria’s eyes again.

‘Look. Out. She’s. Got. A.’

Brian punches his machine and waits, his finger hovering over the touch screen, staring hard at Dezzie all the while.

‘Gun.’

‘Look. Out. She’s. Got. A.’

‘Gun.’

‘Look. Out. She’s. Got. A.’

‘Brian, stop it,’ snaps Maria.

If this is a coded message to Dezzie it’s too late.

Dezzie says nothing but he will not return Brian’s gaze. He stares at Maria. Maria cannot look at either of them. This would be funny if it weren’t so tragic. The dancers have taken the stage and the noise from here is a low rumble like a volcano about to explode.

The door opens again and Maria assumes it’s Fiona back with another insecurity. But it is not. Brian’s dad and his brother burst through the door and make a lunge at Dezzie. Dezzie is fast on his feet but not fast enough.

‘Scumbag!’ Phil spits in Dezzie’s face.

His twin brother Billy has grabbed Dezzie by the hair and pulled his head back. Phil throws fierce punches and kicks at Dezzie’s unprotected face and body.

Maria and Brian have become invisible. Phil and Billy only have eyes for Dezzie. Phil is piledriving punch after punch into Dezzie’s body. Even Billy seems shocked by such ferociousness and releases his hold on Dezzie. This does nothing to slow down Phil.

‘Phil! Phil!’ says Billy, ‘get a grip, you’re going to kill him!’

Billy lunges at Phil and peels his arms away from Dezzie. Although Billy is holding his brother back, it’s clear Phil hasn’t the strength left to land another punch, he’s gasping for breath. To a thunderous soundtrack of fifty feet tapping out
the Lullaby of
Broadway
, while Phil gets his breath back, Dezzie takes his chance
and pulls himself to his feet and runs out along the corridor. Billy tries to restrain his brother.

‘Leave it, Phil!’

But his efforts are in vain. Phil wriggles free and sprints down the corridor in pursuit. Billy follows him, leaving Maria screaming and Brian being sick.

In a split second decision, Maria runs out and leaves Brian. She bolts along the corridor and straight into Ray. She hasn’t the breath to explain but thank God he seems to understand what’s happened, he must have seen them. He runs towards the back staircase to the bell tower. ‘Up here!’

Ray takes the rickety wooden stairs two at a time and she tries to keep up with him. Maria hears other chests heave and feet clump on the stairs above: Dezzie, running for his life, Phil, wanting to take Dezzie’s life, Billy, trying to control his brother, Ray’s and her own heavy breathing and feet clumping, trying to prevent Dezzie’s murder. Or witness it.

When they reach the top Dezzie is already at the very edge of the unprotected part of the platform. He has nowhere else to go. His options are limited: be beaten to death or fall among the mossy gravestones below. His eyes are wide with terror. Billy stands between Dezzie and Phil, trying to hold off Phil.

Phil is struggling fiercely against his brother. The twins are of similar height and build, and, apparently, similar strength. It is a contest of motivation. Does Phil want to kill Dezzie more than Billy wants to stop him?

‘What’s going on?’ asks Ray, breathing heavily. He says this neither aggressively nor passively, he just asks the question.

‘Fuck off, none of your business, mate,’ says Phil, still wrestling with his brother.

‘Aye, it’s my business. It’s my church.’

Phil stops wrestling Billy and turns menacingly towards Ray.

‘I’m telling you, pal. I’ll…’

Astoundingly, rather than try to calm things down, Ray aggravates the situation by launching a punch at Phil’s face. His undignified swing misses by a centimetre and he retreats back to the doorway on to the stairs.

‘Come ahead then!’ says Ray gesticulating.

He’s wearing an expression of utmost contempt and this momentarily lures Phil towards him. Billy does nothing to restrain him. Phil takes three steps towards the doorway and Ray’s plan is revealed. He makes a lunge and throws his arms around him, locking Phil’s arms by his side. Phil is now disabled and Ray tries to lever him out towards the stairs.

‘C’mon mate, let’s take this downstairs,’ say Ray, ‘we don’t need anybody to end up flying off the roof.’

‘Did it give you a thrill: putting your hands in my boy’s pants?’ shouts Phil as he tries to wrestle Ray off.

Dezzie, who until now has silently cowered, seems to feel that the immediate threat has been contained and now attempts to defend himself against the accusations.

‘I didn’t want to do it, honest to God! Brian begged me to!’

This has the effect of freshly enraging Phil.

‘I’m going to fucking kill you!’ he screams.

His face is purple with straining.

‘But he pleaded with me, he put me on the spot. I didn’t want to do it, I’m straight, there’s my girlfriend.’

‘It’s true, Mr McEndrick. I am his girlfriend. Dezzie’s straight, honestly, he’s completely straight.’

‘And my boy’s a fucking cripple! He’s a wee boy in a wheelchair who can’t do anything to stop you! We thought we could trust you, we left you alone and you fucking fiddled him! Me and his mother, we trusted you!’

But Dezzie continues to argue.

‘I would never do anything to hurt him. It was a stupid mistake, it’ll never happen again, Mr McEndrick, I swear. Believe me; I care about Brian.’

In a heavy exhaled sigh the fight leaves Phil’s body as he slumps forward, still entwined in Ray’s arms. Ray loosens his grip but keeps
hold of him. Their bodies remain close. The two men, against the starry night sky, could be mistaken for lovers. It strikes Maria that the only time most men willingly make physical contact is when they’re trying to hurt each other.

Dezzie has moved from the edge and stands, by necessity, close to Phil, close to everyone, on the crowded platform. But Phil’s surrender has only been a ruse.

He breaks free of Ray and charges at Dezzie bringing them both dangerously close to the edge. With the force of the onslaught Dezzie loses his footing and is lying sprawled on the wooden platform where Phil kicks him hard in the groin. Billy and Ray obviously consider it too dangerous to try to restrain Phil now. He’s too close to the edge. He could take them all with him. Dezzie covers his face with his hands and curls protectively into a tight ball.

The orchestra are playing down in the church. Something Mozart, ‘Haffner’ Maria remembers it says in the programme, while Phil kicks and kicks at Dezzie’s head and hands. Dezzie doesn’t even cry out.

‘Stop it, Phil, you’re going to kill him!’ shouts Billy.

But it’s unlikely that Phil even hears him.

‘You’re supposed to care,’ Phil screeches hysterically at the pile lying at the edge of the platform. ‘That’s what you get fucking paid for! That’s how you earn you’re money, pretending to care about the cripples.’

Phil punctuates nearly every syllable with another vicious kick.

‘Phil, get a grip, mate,’ says Ray more calmly.

‘Just fuck off, all of you!’ Phil screams.

‘No can do. You see, we’re witnesses. And what are you going to do? Give us a kicking as well? Shove us off the edge?’

‘He’s right Phil, leave it, c’mon.’

‘Triple murder?’ Ray continues, ‘I don’t think so. I don’t think you’re really like that Phil. Understandably you’ve got a bit carried away, haven’t you? But you’ve not really thought this through.’

Phil has stopped kicking but apparently only to get his breath back. However, the bait Ray has set has caught him and he engages with the argument.

‘He’s a fucking…He’s made my boy a poof.’

‘Och, away you go!’ says Ray somewhat cavalierly. ‘Your boy’s going to be whatever he’s going to be. Kicking the shit out of this guy isn’t going to change anything.’

‘Stop it. Please Phil,’ pleads Billy.

Billy is crying, hard loud sobs.

His twin brother’s tears have a sobering effect on Phil. He looks around shaking his head in short violent starts, as if to shake off this mad situation. Then he goes to Billy and puts a hand on his shoulder. Now that Phil has moved away from the edge Ray puts himself protectively between Phil and Dezzie, but it seems it’s all over. Phil and Billy are now in a tight hug, both of them streaming with tears.

‘Go,’ says Ray decisively to the brothers, ‘before this gets any more dangerous. Down the stairs, out the back door and away, now.’

‘This isn’t finished,’ says Phil, ‘D’you hear me?’ he says to Dezzie, ‘I know where you live and I’ll be back for you. This isn’t finished.’

But Phil allows himself to be led, his arms around his brother, down the stairs.

Even though the two brothers have left the bell tower Ray still won’t let Maria move towards Dezzie. He moves forward cautiously and hauls Dezzie by his shirt away from the edge. He pulls at him gingerly, as though scared of actually touching him. Now Maria can go to him. She helps him sit up. He has cuts over his eyes and his face is already starting to swell.

‘Are you okay?’ asks Ray, staring into Dezzie’s eyes.

Too shocked to speak, Dezzie nods.

‘How many fingers am I holding up?’

Dezzie tries to speak but his voice is thick with phlegm.

‘Three,’ he says, ‘three fingers.’

‘I don’t think you’re concussed but you’d better get it checked out, somewhere as far away from Hexton as possible.’

‘Ray, he’s in no fit state to go anywhere.’

‘Listen,’ says Ray, the gentle tone now gone from his voice, ‘you heard Arnie Schwarzenegger there, this isn’t finished. He’ll take his weepy brother home and come back to finish him off. That guy’s not going to let this go.’

Ray helps Dezzie to his feet.

‘You’re finished here, mate. You must know that. For your own sake, you have to get out of Hexton. And not come back.’