Only You (The Mephisto Covenant Series) (29 page)

His
agony and fear was so clear to me now. He’d always and forever been strange, sleepwalking, talking to himself, odd in his manner of speaking, blunt to the point of rudeness, extremely sensitive to moods of others. And his intuition was freakish. Until that moment, I’d not realized it was all a coping mechanism. He lived in a world within his mind, and it was his best friend and his greatest enemy. “In your dream, after you kill her, don’t you bring her back?”

“She’s already resurrected. She’s mine. She’s Mephisto. I carry her into a church and lay her on the altar and smother her with my hands. I’m on fire and in so much pain, but I can’t die until she’s gone
.”

“
You couldn’t kill her if she was resurrected. Why would you dream something that can’t happen? Why are you afraid of committing a murder that would be impossible?”

He stopped walking again, this time in front of a sushi bar. “For a guy who reads a lot, you’re way behind on metaphors. I don’t think I’d kill her in a literal way. I’d kill her because of
what I am
. She’d have only me – you’ve said it yourself. Once they’re immortal and Mephisto, they’re stuck with us.”

He leaned against the building, next to a metal fish. “I’m not right in the head, Phoenix. I
’ve known since I was a kid, long before I made the jump. If you knew . . . there are things in my head no one could fathom, no one would believe. Some days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. Some days, the noise is so loud, so disturbing and horrible, even the music can’t drown it out. I’ve tried every drug known to man and they do nothing. Heroin, weed, coke. I’ve popped a thousand pills. Nothing. Booze makes it worse. I can never get away from it. The only thing that makes life tolerable is music.”

I was a clueless idiot. How could my own brother be in this much pain and I never fully understood?
Selfish.
Lucifer had me pegged exactly.

“
It all got worse after Mana died, but it really cranked up when we left Kyanos. I realized other people don’t hear someone screaming all day and all night. They don’t hear snatches of conversations that aren’t real, that are going on in someone else’s head. They don’t ever see the whole world in monochrome. Sometimes, everything is red, or purple, or black and white. And sometimes, especially late at night when I wake up and know I’ve been sleepwalking, I find blood on my hands. I don’t know where it comes from.”

No, I’d never known. I couldn’t go back, couldn’t be a better brother to him, but I promised myself, standing there in the dry wind on the sidewalk of Santa Monica Boulevard, I’d be more aware in the future. I’d spend more time with him and less time brooding, or escaping into my books, or building yet another motorcycle. How much he had suffered, and I was so caught up in my own little world of guilt and misery, I missed all the opportunities to be with him and make
his world less frightening.

H
is expression was resigned. “I’m fucking crazy. What woman could live with this and not die a little more every day? Think about Jane. She was fine and kind and capable of deep, profound love. Now imagine she loved me. She wakes up in the middle of the night and what am I doing? I walk through some days without complete awareness. So she talks to me, kisses me, makes love to me, and I’m not even there. Her soul would shrivel and die.”

He pushed away from the wall and continued
down the street. “I will never have a mate. I’ve known it my whole life. When I found Jane, I thought about ways I could make sure she wasn’t at the ball, to keep her from any of you, but as much as it would have been best for her, and for my brothers, I couldn’t let her go. If I couldn’t have her for my own, I could at least have her in my life. I could see her every day. I could love her as my family. It seemed like such a good idea. And in the end, I’m as responsible for her death as you are. The irony isn’t lost on me.”

We walked in silence for a long time, and after an ambulance screamed past, I said, “She smelled like heather. How did she have a scent if she wasn’t for me?”

“The night of the ball, before we all left for London, I took a bunch of heather and mixed it in with the fresh flowers that were scattered around the matrons’ room. I knew she’d be in there, because she couldn’t walk, because her family tried to hide her away and shuffle her off where they wouldn’t have to see her. I felt so bad for her. And I knew you would be the one to take all the old ladies outside before we set the fire. I knew you’d find her, and smell the heather. She loved it as much as you do, and she pinned sprigs of it to her hat. You never questioned that she was yours. Until tonight, when I walked into Lily’s, I didn’t know you were ever aware that she wasn’t.”

“And you knew tonight because—”

“You planned to tell me. I don’t know how or why I know some things and not others. It just pops into my head and I know. I walked into Lily’s and saw you and I knew.”

“I don’t know how I can ever express how sorry I am
, Zee.”

“You’ve spent over one hundred twenty five
years being sorry. For fuck’s sake, don’t spend any more time wallowing around in this, Phoenix. What good does it do? She’ll always be dead and I’ll always be crazy. What happened is as much my fault as yours. If I’d stepped up and said, here she is and I can’t claim her, if I’d been honest, maybe things would have been different.”

“But I knew and I still—”

“You’re a selfish bastard, I won’t argue that, but it’s not like any of us were born to be choirboys. If any of the others had been sucked in as you were, if I’d tricked any of them like I did you, I have no doubt they’d have done the same thing. I know for sure Denys would have. He was crazy for her, did you know?”

Still reeling from what appeared to be forgiveness, astonished that he didn’t despise me,
it was difficult to be more shocked, but I was. “I had no idea.” I remembered when he kissed Jane, and she kissed him back. I tried to remember what Zee had done, the expression on his face, but couldn’t. I’d been too angry at Denys and disturbed about Jane to notice anyone else in the room.

“I think because I never claimed her, she was sort of a free agent.
That’s the only way I can explain how he was attracted to her in the first place. He became obsessed. He went to see her behind your back. Did you know?”

“No.” I’d felt resentment from Denys for so long, I’d forgotten there was a time when we were friends, when he liked me. Or maybe I’d just been so wrapped up in my own misery, I failed to notice it had started after Jane’s death.

As we walked, I had to face that I’d checked out of everything but planning takedowns and the most basic interaction with my brothers. Jax and I had always been close, but we mostly talked about Eryx, or basketball, or takedown plans. When he found Sasha, I’d been there for him, but it was always about him and Sasha. I’d closed myself off completely, and they’d spent the last century tiptoeing around me. Denys had resented me having Jane, and when she was murdered, his resentment had grown to rage. I’d abandoned her, allowing Eryx the opportunity to take her. I remembered him shouting at me right after Key brought Mariah to Mephisto Mountain. Now I understood where all that fury came from.

“You’re having an epiphany, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, you could say that. And I always thought I was so smart. Turns out, I’m the village idiot.”

Zee looked at me and smiled.
Smiled.
Unbelievable. “Welcome back,” he said, grasping my shoulder, squeezing hard.

I stopped him and hugged him and didn’t give a damn who saw us. And I cried. Just a little, but enough to be embarrassing.

He stepped back and said solemnly, “I love you, Phoenix, just like I love all my brothers. It’s not in the cards for me to be with someone, but you can. You have Mariah. Don’t screw this up. She has problems, but so do you. And you’re both fixers who want to pick up what’s broken and make it work again, make something ugly into something beautiful. You’re perfect together because you have all the years ahead to fix each other.”

I’d been handed the opportunity, and before I could rethink it, before I could renege, I told him,
“I’m releasing my claim to Mariah.”

He stared at me with no expression on his face. “For a brilliant mind, you can be so f
ucking stupid. What, you think she’s like a dog or a cat you can hand over to someone else? Mariah’s a fully functioning intelligent human being with her own ideas about who she’ll be with.”

“I understand it looks
impossible, but time changes things, Zee. If she could be claimed by you or Ty or Denys, who’s to say it wouldn’t work out?”

“Do you think giving her up absolves you of what you did with Jane? Because it doesn’t.”

“What will?”

“You’re gonna have to figure that out for yourself. Don’t you think there’ll come a time when you regret disclaiming her?”

“It’s not like I want to.” I looked away from him and watched the cars zip past. “I’m convinced she’ll be happier with somebody else.”

“You’re convinced you don’t have what it takes to step up. You judge Denys because he can’t let go of the booze, but you’re no different.
Instead of alcohol, you’re addicted to strangling yourself, living like a damned monk. You think if you let go of that, you’ll hate yourself even more than you do now.”

I’d never been
a fan of talking about my own emotional garbage. I wasn’t going to start now. “You don’t know me, Zee. Nobody does.” Except Lucifer, because there was no hiding from him.

I suddenly remembered what Mariah had said to me when I told her she was wrong about a hidden side to me.
“Oh, there’s a side, and it’s wild and scary and if you let it loose, you don’t really know if you can control it.”
How did she know? Why wasn’t she afraid of it? Because she should be. I was.

“
You may be more screwed up in the head than I am.” He took off walking again.

I watched him until he was a block ahead
, then transported to catch up and walked beside him in silence.

“No arguing?”

“No.”

“
How do you propose for this to work? None of us are attracted to her. We can’t be. You claimed her the night you shouted at her and called her a whore.”

“Yeah, that was romantic. I’m a real catch, aren’t I?”

“The thought of her with anybody else made you lose your shit. Why do you imagine for even a second that you can step aside and let her be with one of us instead of you?”

“It’s not about me. It’s her, and what she needs. I’m not it. I k
now I can never make her happy.” I told him what Lucifer would do as soon as I told Mariah about Jane, and all the time I was speaking, he was shaking his head.

“That’s maybe the worst idea I’ve ever heard. It’s also completely pointless. Do you
seriously
think she’d fall for me, or Ty, or Denys when she’s already falling for you?”

“She’s not falling for me. I’m just the one closest to her right now, somebody she feels comfortable talking to.”

He cut the air with his hand. “All right, then. You tell her all about Jane, and me, and what you did. Tell her you’ve asked Lucifer to take away your claim so we can all have a shot. When it blows up in your face, I’ll be a total asswipe and say I told you so.”

“It’ll be hard. It’ll be damn near impossible, but for her sake—”

“
What
is
wrong
with you?” He stopped dead and I had to back up. “If you’re so convinced you can’t be the guy she needs, then fucking
change
.
Be
that guy, Phoenix. If you throw away the miracle that is Mariah without even trying, than yeah, you’re right – you
are
a worthless piece of shit.”

I couldn’t think of even one thing to say to that.

“You have no idea who you are, do you?”

“No, Dr. Phil, but I’m sure you’ll tell me soon enough.”

He scowled at me. “Fuck you, man. I’m going to Fawkes. Like now. If you want to go with me and be stupid some more, I’ll be at the back entrance.” He disappeared.

I stood there on Santa Monica, alone, and cursed Mephistopheles. If the son of a bitch had just kept his dick in his pants, none of us would be here.

Zee didn’t expect me to follow, but I did.

S
econds later, I stood at the alley entrance of Fawkes. A guy was banging some chick against the back of the building, and I thought it must be painful for her. Bricks and a naked ass didn’t go well together. With Mariah in my head, I moved close enough to figure out if she was a willing partner and decided from the look on her face and her breathless moans that she didn’t mind the bricks.

They were unaware of us, partly because they were so involved and busy, but also because it was mostly dark in the alley, the only light coming from a vapor fixture attached to the building behind Fawkes. I, of course, could see them very well. Too well. So maybe it’d been 125 years since I’d had sex, it wasn’t as if I forgot what it was like.

It was a bummer to see that at this particular time in my life, when thoughts of sex, specifically sex with Mariah, were eating away my brain.