Only You (The Mephisto Covenant Series) (33 page)

I laid there and blushed like I was twelve years old. “I think you know.”

“Good. Then imagine we’re them. You’re Danielle, an innocent, and you’re wild about me, Rupert, and you were never hurt, never taught that sex is horrible. You’re a blank canvas and everything is new and intriguing.”

I closed my eyes and tried to pretend I was Danielle, that I was innocent and this was my first time. I moved my arm and my hand brushed against his penis. I jerked it away, then hesitantly moved it back. He had on long boxers and I thought Danielle would be curious enough to slip her fingers beneath the elastic band
and . . . it was incredibly hot. Hard, but the skin was so soft. I still had my eyes closed, but I kind of wanted to look.

“I’m not nearly as pretty as you,” he whispered, his face still next to mine, “but maybe you should see what I look like. Danielle would look.”

“She was a painter. Of course she would.”

“All right, so you have to paint me, nude – shouldn’t you study the subject?”

“Will you take your boxers off?”

He chuckled as he rolled away and complied.

When he was back, he said, “You’re blushing so hard, you may wind up with a tan. It’s okay, Mariah. It’s just me. Open your eyes and look.”

I turned my head at the same time I opened my eyes and he was smiling at me. So good looking, it was a sin. No guy should be this spectacular. He kissed my nose. “Are you going to look? I’m starting to feel shy.”

“Liar. You probably walk around naked all the time.”

“True, but I’m alone.”

I touched him first, then moved my head to look down at my thigh, at the length of him stretched across my skin. I spent some time inspecting him, touching him, and other than a couple of deep breaths, he didn’t do anything. When I looked back at his face, his eyes were heavy and his expression was intense. “You said you wouldn’t do this. Why did you change your mind?”

“Can we talk about it later? I’ll explain everything, I swear. For now, I want you so much I’m close to begging. I want you to like this, want you to understand it’s not painful, or ugly. I want you to know what it’s like to completely let go. There’s nothing like it, no way I can
describe it so you’d understand. Please, Mariah, just stay with me and talk to me. Tell me if you’re unhappy with anything.”

“Did you bring . . . do you have a condom?”

“It wouldn’t do any good. They lose effectiveness because there’s some kind of chemical reaction that . . .” he cleared his throat, “they disintegrate when we . . . well, after we . . .” He took a breath. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t carry any kind of disease, and even if I could, it’s been a hundred and twenty five years. And I can’t get you pregnant unless you’re immortal and you want to get pregnant.”

“All I have to do to prevent pregnancy is just not want it?”

“That’s all.”

With my hand wrapped around him, he shifted again and was half on, half off of me when he kissed me, his fingers never stopping. My legs moved
, then my hips, and I focused on how he tasted, and the scent of oranges, and the feel of his big body beneath my palm. I have no idea how long we kissed, how long he touched me, but when he moved to slide my pajama bottoms off, along with my panties, I wasn’t alarmed, wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t on the braided rug. I was in bed with Phoenix, and while I was enormously anxious, I honestly didn’t know if it was fear, or desire. I knew I was ready and told him so.

Still kissing me, he lifted me up, moved my body and slid into me
sort of sideways. He wasn’t on top of me. He knew it would be too much like my memories, and in that moment, I knew I was doomed to fall in love with him. For all that he was difficult, he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

“Oh,
hell,” he murmured, looking down into my face. “You’re crying. God, have I—”

“No, it’s . . . I’m just
a little . . . that you did this like, that you knew . . . not on top, Phoenix.” I slid my arms around him, clung to him, and when he began to move, I moved with him. It was extraordinary and nothing at all like I’d imagined, or feared.

H
e kissed me again and again. He was all over me, enveloping me, and yet I didn’t panic, wasn’t afraid. If I’d told him to get away from me, if I said stop, I was unequivocally certain he would. He’d be frustrated, disappointed, and terribly unhappy, but he’d do it. That knowledge gave me comfort, made me at ease, allowed me to be in the moment.

The meeting of our bodies, his inside of mine, the look in his black eyes, which I’d call love if I hadn’t known better, the scent of his skin, his soft words of encouragement, the realization that I was irrevocably putting my past behind me forever –
every moment was glorious.

“
This is
not
infatuation,” he murmured against my mouth. “Do you understand?”

I mumbled something incoherent, losing my ability to think of much beyond what my body was doing. Every nerve ending was on high alert,
my senses overwhelmed, and my muscles took on a will of their own.

He lifted his head and stared down into my eyes, his expression fierce and determined, his rhythm increasing, his body slamming against mine. “Do . . . you . . .
understand?
”

“
Yes . . . no.” I grasped his upper arms and held on, rising to meet very thrust, losing my breath, losing my mind.

That side of himself he hid so well
came fully awake and shoved his calm, controlled façade off of a cliff, and then it was only me and the real Phoenix in my bed. Honest. Wild. Uninhibited.

This was who he was, who I would love. I knew I would. And it would never be easy to love him or be with him, but I’d been born for difficulty.
And it wasn’t as if I was exactly easy.

He nipped at my throat and his voice was hoarse and raw. “Give over, Mariah. Give me what I want. Do it
now
.”

I had never had a climax. I’d never touched myself in any way that was sexual. I had no clue what it would feel like, or how to make it happen.
“Kiss me.”

He did, and his hand slid across my body, down to where we were joined.

One touch and I jerked my mouth away from his to suck in a deep breath, my back arched from the bed, and I closed my eyes. I shook uncontrollably as pure pleasure radiated from the center of me, from a place I’d long considered taboo, a place I refused to even think about. That such an exquisite feeling could come from the same place that had brought so much agony completely blew my mind. When the feeling subsided, I was breathing hard, as if I’d been running, and I watched his face when that feeling came over him. He opened his eyes in the midst of his climax and looked at me with so much joy, I almost cried again.

Then everything got d
icey. I began to burn, deep inside, and struggled to get away from him. “Phoenix, it hurts, it
burns
. Oh, my God! Ah, damn!”

He
held me close, stayed inside of me, wouldn’t let me go, never looked away from my eyes. When I was still, when the pain was gone, he said, “It’s not fair to you at all, and I should be sorry for marking you, but I won’t lie and say I’m sorry, because I’m not.” He came closer. “Tomorrow, everything will be settled, but for now, you’re mine. You’re everything. You’re my whole world. And no matter who you’re with, that will never change for me.”

“Why do you think I’ll ever be with someone who isn’t you?”

In a blink, he was back to calm, controlled Phoenix. He gave me a lazy smile and didn’t answer.

Instead, he kissed me, and I was so exhausted, physically and emotionally, I let him get away with
avoiding the question.

Chapter 17

~~ Phoenix ~~

I’d only intended to sleep with her, to kiss her, and when we woke, I’d tell her everything. It would end what we had, and I’d want to die, but I’d have this night to remember what it was like when she was mine.

Instead, I’d had sex with her.
No doubt Lucifer would shake his head in disgust. I was just the worst kind of person.
Of all your brothers, you are most like your father.
Selfish always, except when it was convenient not to be. M could be generous, even jolly, but when it came to his own pride and comfort, it was always all about M. Even his love for our mother hadn’t been enough for him to do the right thing. I thought Eryx’s life must break her, over and over, even in Heaven. All because M didn’t love her enough.

Lying in the dark, holding Mariah, surrounded by her scent, I was awed by her ability to conquer her worst fear. That she’d opened herself up to me, gone along and stayed with me
until that one golden moment when her expression went from anxious to rapturous joy – I’d never forget it as long as I lived. The air around her shimmered, and her eyes became a shade of blue I couldn’t name. Like nothing I’d ever seen.

Listening to her soft breath and Olga’s purr, I was enveloped in a euphoric
post-sex moment of peace so calm and tranquil, my soul had no room for guilt.

I fell asleep happier than I’d ever been in my long life.

And woke up with the worst guilt trip I could imagine. She was still next to me, so soft and trusting, her breath against my chest, her sweet beautiful face relaxed and a little smile on her lips. What did she dream? Something wonderful. And when she woke up, I’d kill that smile, murder the bond between us.

It had to be late
in the morning because the light shining through the break in the drapes was intense, and a thousand birds were chirping. I could hear voices from downstairs, Hans banging pots and pans, Deacon intoning instructions for the Purgatories. No words, but voices. I heard Key, who sounded close to singing, he was so happy.

That’s when I remembered they would all know about the mark. No hiding what I’d done to Mariah last night.

I closed my eyes and wished for the four hundred billionth time that I could make this work, that I could do as Zee said and change to be the guy she needed.

How did a person change? Where would I even start?

I had no idea. All I knew was that she deserved someone who wasn’t me, one of my brothers who could make her happy. He’d replace my mark with his and I’d want to kill him, but I’d have to stand aside and let it happen and carry on. The past 125 years had sucked, but the rest of eternity promised to be Hell of my own making because I couldn’t let go of who I was.

You don’t really know who you are, do you?
Zee’s words came back to me and I realized the truth to them. I’d remained a celibate, guilt-ridden control freak for so long, I couldn’t remember what it was like before Jane. I didn’t know what was important to me, what it meant to wake up and look forward to the day, how it would feel to accomplish a goal. My whole existence was takedown plans and guilt. I wasn’t a guy, a friend, a brother – I was a robot.

“Hey,” she whispered
sleepily, sliding her leg between mine, tightening her arm around my middle, gently stroking my back.

That was all it took. I was hard and ready all over again.

I made love to her again, and this time, she wasn’t afraid at all. She smiled up at me and my heart raced and I forgot all about my plan to disclaim her.

In the afterglow, she mu
mbled against my shoulder, “I’m starving. I mean, I could eat ten eggs and a pound of bacon and a million waffles and—”

“I think we slept
through breakfast. I hear Hans prepping for lunch.”

“Then I’ll eat cheeseburgers.”

“Hans will be insulted if we ask for cheeseburgers.”

“Doesn’t he ever cook boring food? I love cheeseburgers, and it’s not like I ever got to eat many.”

“I’ll get you some cheeseburgers.”

“And fries and a chocolate shake?”

I grinned. “Whatever you want.”

She buried her face in my neck and whispered, “All I really want is you.”

Now was the time to tell her. Now. Right now. This minute.
Get out of bed, put your boxers on, and tell her. Before you take another breath.

I kissed her and whispered, “Stay here and I’ll be back in twenty minutes.”

I popped to my room, pulled on some jeans, a T-shirt I grabbed from a chair, and some stupid looking house slipper things with sheep shearling that Mercy had brought Thursday. Grabbing my coat, I fished out some money and shoved it into my pocket, then popped to Shake Shack in New York, the one at midtown, and ordered six cheeseburgers, three orders of fries, and two large chocolate shakes. It was Saturday, the restaurant packed with what seemed like a thousand kids, and my order took forever. While I stood around and waited, Eryx walked through the door. He smiled at me.

I didn’t smile back.

“Nice shoes.”

“I was in a hurry.”

“Was there a fire?” He was clearly offended by my footwear. He, of course, was dressed in GQ style, as always.

I hated him, loathed him, but had to admit, he had excellent taste in clothes. I wished I cared enough to be a sharp dressed man.
“What do you want?”

“Checking on Mariah. Have you seen her today?”

Alarms began to sound in my head and the tiny army was shouting,
Danger!
“Of course I’ve seen her. Why?”

He peered at me curiously for a while
. “You don’t know, do you?”

The army was ready to shoot arrows
, chuck spears, swing broadswords. “Know what?”

He
grinned. “She’s wily, Phoenix. Has a poker face to beat the best of them. You should pay more attention, and never underestimate her. I’m not surprised, really. She’s Jordan’s sister, after all.”

“And you would know
what she’s like, how?”

“I got to know her ever so slightly last night, when she came for a visit.”

Aware of a tableful of children right behind me, I lowered my voice. “What the
fuck
are you talking about?”

He lost his smile and came closer. “Enjoy her company while you can. She’ll be with me as soon as Jordan is mine.”

“You’re a fool.” No way was he going to get a rise out of me. Not now. Not today. I’d go home and ask her what she’d done yesterday, if one of my brothers had taken her off the mountain. I was already angry about that – I couldn’t waste energy on Eryx.

“I suppose we’
re all fools at one time or another. For instance, you never comprehended how important Jane’s sister was to her, not until it was too late. I wonder if you’ll make the same mistake with Mariah?”

“She’
ll be Mephisto, but not mine.”

“
Unlike her, you’re so bloody transparent, I know exactly what’s going through your mind right now. You’re wondering how I could have taken her and no one was ever aware. No alarm was sounded, no rescue party came after her. Poor Mariah, it’s as if she’s doomed to be invisible, always on the fringe, the forgotten one. She’s not flashy, is she? Quiet and calm, beautiful in an understated way, but underneath it all is brilliance and rage I’d respect if I were you. She’s unafraid of anything.”

My mind was reeling. How had he taken her? From where? Who was she with?

“As usual, you’ll focus on things that don’t matter at all. You’ll want to exact revenge on whomever wasn’t careful with your little chippy, instead of learning more about her. I made her immortal, Phoenix.”

I was
speechless.
Why?
What did he think to gain by making her immortal? Because Eryx never did anything that wouldn’t somehow be of benefit to himself. How had he done it? Did she suffer? My hands clenched and I had to hold myself back from attacking him. He’d frightened her. He
killed
her.

But she came back. For him. My confusion ramped up to severe anxiety. Everything was getting away from me.

“I see that shocks you, but will you ask her what happened? Will she tell you she visited Hell on Earth? No, not unless you ask, but you won’t. You’ll spend time trying to figure out how this could have happened, who’s to blame, and all the while, she’ll be there, waiting for someone to notice her, to pay her the attention she deserves. She’ll get tired of waiting and come to me, to Jordan. There’s nothing in the universe more precious to her than her blood, her sister.”

For Jordan. He’d made her immortal so she could stay with Jordan. His obsession had taken him so far off of his usual path, he was unrecognizable, like a monster in the forest who steps into sunlight and is revealed to be nothing but a humble woodsman. For the first time since he’d jumped, I felt almost sorry for Eryx. He’d bought into the delusion that he could have Jordan, and he wanted her enough to abandon his quest.
It was surely temporary. Once he realized he would never have her, he’d return to his old self with a vengeance.

“
She gave up a lot for Jordan, didn’t she?”

“How would you know?”

“I have people in Bucharest, investigating. She’s had a terrible life, but she’s resilient and strong. And she’d do it all again for her sister. A little like Jane and Georgiana.”

“You lied to Jane.”

“And because she loved Georgiana with such a pure heart, she risked believing me. I intended to take her home, Phoenix, where she’d marry a like-minded do-gooder aristocrat and live to be an old lady.”

“You can rewrite history all you like, but it doesn’t change reality.”

He came still closer. “She loved you. I don’t know why, but she did. When she realized what she’d done, she was hysterical because it meant she could never be with you. I killed her because she wouldn’t have married the aristocrat and moved on. She’d lost Georgiana, Anabo, and you. She went a little mad, Phoenix. As much as I enjoyed your misery, that wasn’t my primary reason for taking her life. It was mercy.”

“If I didn’t want to punch you in the face, I’d laugh. The last time you felt mercy was the night you killed our mother.”

“You’re probably right.” He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter now. She’s dead and you’ve moved on, haven’t you? It’s a bit of a repeat, except the stakes are a lot higher. You didn’t love Jane, but you’re deep in it with Mariah, aren’t you? I can smell her on you, brother.”

He turned to walk back to the door, and said over his shoulder, just before he pushed outside, “
She’s not like Jane at all.” He looked back at me. “But you know that better than anyone, don’t you?”

Then he was gone.

Waiting became torture. I almost left without my order, so anxious to get home and ask Mariah what happened. I remembered how exhausted she was last night. Newly made immortals usually slept an enormous lot just after they were brought back. They were ravenously hungry until their metabolism evened out, typically a week or two. I’d taken her at her word about being tired, and passed off her enormous hunger to Mephisto. Once an Anabo began the change, she was far hungrier than usual.

But not like an immortal.

How had it happened? Was she afraid? I wanted to be with her when she crossed, and not only was I not, neither was anyone else. Just Eryx. Of all people. Had he been cruel to her? Why hadn’t she told me? After I had picked her up from the chair and carried her to bed and laid down beside her, she woke up and kissed me. She let me make love to her and never said a word about what happened to her.

Somewhere between a kid running into me as he barreled toward a table and an elderly man asking where to find the ketchup, the obvious truth hit me like a sledgehammer. Her immortality meant my mark was permanent.

I should have been upset. I should have railed at fate and my own stupidity and selfishness. I should have been buried in an avalanche of guilt, not only for her, but for Zee. Had he been serious last night, or was his decision to go for her a result of freaking out because he’d just found Euri? It no longer mattered, did it? Mariah was mine.
All mine
. Forever. At a minimum, I should have worried about her, and her future happiness.

Instead, I wanted to stand on a table and announce to everybody at Shake Shack that I was the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet. I wanted to throw my arms up in the air and shout,
“Fuckin’ A!”

Finally, the burgers were ready. I claimed the bags, walked outside to the crowded sidewalk and
disappeared, popping back to her room. She sat in the middle of the bed, cross-legged, still naked, pointing a remote at the TV that now hung on the wall beside the fireplace, flipping channels. “Zee must have brought it yesterday, while I was gone. Do you know how awesome this is? I can understand everything they say. Look, this lady is talking about Jordan’s dad.” She frowned. “But she’s being a real nasty hag about him.” The channel changed. “Oh, cartoons!” Finally, she looked at me, her gaze moving to my feet. “Nice shoes.”