Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (8 page)

NVC works by retraining people in how to listen, talk, and express
their needs:

NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and
hear others. Instead of being habitual, automatic reactions,
our words become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting.
We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while
simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic
attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper
needs and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that
are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate
what we are concretely wanting in a given situation.'

These are some of the tools of NVC:

• Listening with compassion instead of becoming defensive,
attacking, or disconnecting

• Learning to get in touch with what you feel, want, and need

• Expressing yourself honestly based on how you are feeling,
what you need, and what you'd like to happen

• Taking responsibility for how you feel rather than blaming
someone else for making you feel a certain way

• Using "I" language rather than "you" language. Instead of
saying, "You made me feel shitty when you decided to go on
a date with her when I was sick," you say: "I felt hurt when
you went on that date because I really wanted you to stay
home and take care of me."

NVC is useful for people in open relationships for several reasons. It stresses a noncombative style of relating-one that is contrary
to the way most people argue-to get people to practice empathy and
kindness when they communicate with each other. The more relationships you have, the more processing of everyone's feelings you'll
do; learning how to communicate without escalating into blame,
judgment, and argument is essential. NVC pushes you to get to the
heart of what you feel, and why, and to share it with the other person.
It teaches you to own your emotions instead of making the other
person at fault for them.

Like consent, honesty is a key quality that distinguishes nonmonogamy
from cheating. Unfortunately, dishonesty surrounds us. Government officials, business leaders, celebrities-many of them considered role modelsare caught twisting the truth, misleading, covering up, stealing, and
lying every day So it is regrettable but perhaps understandable that the
most prevalent and visible form of nonmonogamy in our society is both
nonconsensual and dishonest. Cheating on one's spouse has become an
integral part of our culture, and while it may not be openly supported,
it is practiced by a staggering number of people.

Society teaches us that if we find ourselves attracted to or in love
with someone other than our partner, or if we have sex or a relationship
with them, we must keep it a secret. In fact, many people have a nearly
unconscious compulsion to withhold even their nonmonogamous
thoughts and desires from their partners, let alone disclose those actions.
We need to let go of the notion that venturing beyond monogamy is
wrong or shameful, or that it calls for us to behave dishonestly.

Honesty is crucial to creating and sustaining a positive and fulfilling open relationship. Without it, the relationship might survive for a
while, but it will never thrive or be truly meaningful. When we tell the
truth about who we are, what we need and want, and how we feel, it
helps us feel connected to people and form deep bonds with them.
Telling the truth is not always easy, especially when you feel that the
disclosure will hurt someone you love. But withholding information to
protect someone is not only unfair to them, it is counterproductive to
the relationship.

I really just say what is not being said. It is what you are not
saying that is getting in the way of everything. -Dillon

Honesty is not just about engaging in ethical behavior and doing
the right thing. It is a valuable tool for reassuring your partner and strengthening an open relationship. Many of the people I spoke to said
that when their partners share information with them, they feel
informed and in the loop. Knowing what's going on makes them feel
more secure about their relationship and more connected to their partner. Many say that they feel the most insecure, jealous, and anxious
when they don't know what is up. What often happens is that they use
their imagination to fill in the blanks, fear and irrationality come into
play, and they make something into what it is not or imagine the
worst-case scenario.

Several people that I interviewed practice Radical Honesty or some of
its tenets in their open relationships; it is also written about and taught
within polyamory communities. Like Nonviolent Communication,
Radical Honesty has spawned dozens of books, lectures, and workshops. The concept was developed by the psychologist Brad Blanton
and first outlined in his book Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your
Life by Telling the Truth. The premise is that most people develop roles
that they present to the world which aren't truly who they are. As part
of this role creation, people are not honest with their loved ones about
who they are, things they've done, and what they think, feel, and
want. This lack of honesty leads to unfulfilling, unsatisfying relationships, because the connections between people are based on phony
behavior.

Blanton argues that to achieve true intimacy we must share everything, expose every lie and fiction, leave nothing unsaid, and not
sugar-coat any of it. In one of his "levels" of truth telling, Blanton recommends that people "begin the practice of admitting how you feel
when you feel it, speaking your secret judgments of others out loud,
and constantly revealing your own petty and condescending ways."4
Think of it as the opposite of biting your tongue, keeping it to yourself, or "not saying anything if you don't have anything nice to say" To practice Radical Honesty, you must speak everything regardless of how
the person you're speaking to may react.

Some people who practice nonmonogamy believe strongly that
Radical Honesty is a necessary component for a successful relationship.
I appreciate some of Blanton's concepts. I believe we do create facades
to please and impress others. I believe we must become more honest
with ourselves and others to live authentically. However, I don't subscribe to Radical Honesty as a whole, and Blanton himself admits you
have to do it completely or it doesn't work. I believe it is an egotistical
and confrontational style of communication. It isn't fair or useful to
share everything with someone who doesn't want to hear it, is not
ready to hear it, or doesn't have the skills to process the information.

Tantra teachers Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, who coach
couples about their relationships, have seen how Radical Honesty can
be hurtful rather than helpful. Johnson says:

It's often just brutal, and it encourages a nonrelational way of
communicating that's totally self-involved. We've seen people
use it as a club for beating up their partners. They'll say, "I'm
just being honest," or "I'm just allowing you to know what
my needs are or my hurts are." They're often completely
oblivious about how that message is being received and have
no willingness to take any responsibility for the damage
they've done, because being "honest" gives them an excuse.'

When I asked them to name the most fundamental element of
creating and sustaining a positive open relationship, Michaels said,
"Honesty and the ability to communicate kindly" Nearly everyone lists
honesty and communication as essentials; I asked him to elaborate on
his conception of kind communication. He said this:

Kindness is very hard. I'm certainly not always kind, but it's
an ongoing process and an effort; I think that what it shows is that the relationship matters and that your partner will try
not to hurt you. Part of being in a relationship involves taking
care of the other person. There can be excessive caretaking,
and that can be very damaging, but I think that, in large
part, the really unfortunate by-product of the human potential movement is that it's all about getting mine. It's not about
us; it's all about me. I've seen enough of that to know how
destructive it can be. If you're in a relationship with someone, you're in a sort of orbit. There has to be a kind of
gravitational pull toward each other. If all of your focus is on
yourselves, you're just going to fly off in different directions,
and there's not going to be a relationship. I think a commitment to kindness can be the gravity that keeps you in orbit.'

Folks who practice Radical Honesty may see kindness as sugarcoating, but I believe it's a necessary component of compassionate
communication.

Personal boundaries are what we use to define ourselves as separate
from others, express our needs and wants, and set limits within relationships. When you have healthy boundaries, you recognize that you
are an individual with your own wants, needs, and values. You don't
take on other people's issues as your own or allow others to dictate
your behavior based on what they want. You don't sacrifice your own
desires and needs to please another person. You don't attempt to control someone else or allow yourself to be controlled. Boundaries are
an important element in healthy relationships of all kinds, and open
relationships are no exception.

Boundaries can be physical, sexual, or emotional/psychological.
For example:

• Physical boundary: Don't touch me without my permission.

• Sexual boundary: Don't pinch my nipples during sex.

• Emotional boundary: Don't project your feelings onto me.

First you must determine what your boundaries are, and then
you must be able to articulate them to your partner(s). Finally, you must
be aware when someone does not respect your boundaries, and speak
up for yourself. If you set a boundary and someone violates it, don't let
it slide; that only sends the message If you don't respect my boundaries,
that's cool. I won't say anything. It's okay to disrespect my boundaries.

For some people, emotional/psychological boundaries are the
most complex and difficult to defend. Here's a hypothetical example.
You go out with your friends and come home to your partner giddy
and excited from a fun night. Your partner is angry. "I can't believe you
went out and left me home alone! You're such a bitch! Then you come
home and rub it in my face to make me feel worse!" Without good personal boundaries, you would apologize for going out and having a good
time and for being bubbly when you walked through the door. You
acknowledge that you're a bad girlfriend.

With good personal boundaries, you would recognize that your
partner is feeling bad. You check yourself: Do I have the right to go out
with my friends? Yes. Did I rub it in his face? No. You refuse to take on
his feelings or to feel guilty about your night out. You recognize that
something is pushing your partner's buttons, and that he's trying to
make you feel bad instead of owning what's really going on. You tell
him, "I can see that you're angry about me going out with friends
tonight instead of being with you. I respect your feelings, but I did not
do anything wrong. I was sharing my excitement with you, not deliberately trying to make you feel bad."

Learning to define good personal boundaries and respecting the
boundaries of others are skills that may not have been modeled for you,
or your partner, as you grew up. You may have to develop these skills. Ultimately, boundaries are about clarity:
being clear about who you are and what
you need. If the line between you and
your partner starts to blur, it's time to
work on your boundaries.

Trust is a significant component in
opening up a relationship to additional
sexual and emotional partners. When a
partner agrees to something you ask for
and honors that agreement, it helps
build your trust in them. Trust takes
time to establish, but it leads to security.
Many people in long-term relationships
say that trust makes it easier to support
and encourage their partners to explore
with other people. Trust becomes an antidote to jealousy, competitiveness, possessiveness, insecurity, and fear. The message is clear: when
people trust their partners and trust in the strength of their relationships, they experience less anxiety in the presence of someone new.
On the flip side, a lack of trust can lead to insecurity, doubt, and
unhappiness.

Some people have difficulty trusting others because of unresolved
issues from childhood or past relationships. No matter how trustworthy your behavior, someone who has a hard time trusting will still find
it hard to trust you. If you know that trust is difficult for you, working
on it can help you resolve some of the underlying issues and avert
problems in your open relationships. Often a partner's paranoia, possessiveness, or jealousy can stem from a lack of trust. If your partner
has trust issues, be patient, reassuring, and supportive; do not take on his insecurity by agreeing to unrealistic expectations or sharing his
paranoia; encourage him to get help working on the issue.

What the new model of
open-ended marriage seeks
to promote is risk-taking in
trust; the warmth of loving
without anxiety; the
extension of affection; the
excitement and pleasure of
knowing sensuously a
variety of other persons;
the enrichment which
personalities can
contribute to each other;
the joy of being fully alive
in every encounter.

-RONALD MAZUR'

Polyamory educator Anita Wagner believes that pacing yourself
in a relationship can positively affect the trust level:

Trust is based on knowing a person not just in what they say
about themselves, but observing them as well. It takes a
while to get to know someone really well. The newer your
relationship, the less substantial the foundation for it, in
terms of really knowing and trusting each other. Now, there's
a case to be made for the opposite: you can learn to trust that
person, see them go out [with someone else], come back,
continue to do right by your relationship, continue to be
invested in it. So trust can be built that way too, but there has
to be a good balance. Pacing yourself early in relationships
helps to keep things stable and helps prevent the big
blowups, the big crash-and-burns.8