Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (28 page)

`An alternative style of marriage has made my marriage stronger."

DANI, 32, lives in Illinois, where she is an ordained minister serving in
a mainline Christian denomination. She has been married to her husband for 13 years, but they no longer have a sexual relationship. He
has little interest in sex. When she discovered her bisexuality and her
desire for BDSM, everything changed in her life. Today, her marriage is
open; she considers her husband her primary partner, her Master her
other primary partner, and she has several nonprimary relationships.
Her husband dates other women, but does not have sex with them.

"[When I came out about being bi and kinky] I said, I love you,
I still want to be married to you, but if I don't have sex, one of us is
going to die, and its not going to be me. We fought about it, we talked
about divorce, and it was nasty. Finally he said, `Well, I just don't want
to know. I don't want to know much, I don't want to know details. You
can tell me who, you can tell me when, but I don't want to know anything else.'... It changed everything. We stopped fighting at home,
because we weren't fighting about sex anymore... We'd been married
for 10 years and at that point it had been a topic for us for, like, six.

I truly believe that being in an alternative style of marriage has
made my marriage stronger because now we can focus on the things
that make us a good couple. My husband and I have a lot of things in
common... We love to read the same kinds of books, skiing, movies,
and outdoor adventure sports. We love to do these things together...
The two major issues that my husband [and I] would fight over besides
money-and everybody fights over money, that's just life-were religion and sex. Taking those out of the picture and getting those two
needs filled elsewhere has given us the opportunity to build on all of
the other really good stuff that we have, so we're just a stronger couple.
I can't even imagine divorcing him now He drives me crazy and sometimes I want to strangle him, but divorce him, no. Because I love him very much. And we can focus on our strengths as a couple so much
more now He's not checking off the list of his needs that are not getting
met, and I'm not checking off the list of my needs that are not getting
met, because they're getting met by other relationships.

Finding a Master who can fulfill my faith and BDSM needs as well
as my sexual needs has made me a more complete, more healthy
person. I couldn't be luckier to have such wonderful people in my
life... [My husband] is very giving and he likes to see me happy My
happiness is what's important to him, and his happiness is important
to me. So for this to make me happy and to make our marriage better
really worked out great for us."

CHANGE IS DIFFICULT in all relationships, but it can occur frequently
in open relationships. New experiences, sexual partners, and relationship partners come in and out of your lives; they shake up existing
relationship dynamics, influence feelings, shift commitments, and wreak
havoc if you're not equipped to deal with
them. What follows are some of the more
significant changes commonly experienced
by nonmonogamous people, along with
some strategies for coping with them.

When one partner discovers she has a
new desire-for a partner of a different
gender, a new sexual activity, or BDSM,
for example-it can come as a surprise to
her other partners. If you are the partner
with the new desire, it's your responsibility to share it, allow your partner(s) some time and space to process the new information, and be available to discuss their questions or concerns. This is a good time to reassure them
that though this new thing will change your relationship, it doesn't
diminish it. Invite your partner(s) to take part in exploring it, if that's
possible, but also allow them the freedom to decline to participate. If
your partner doesn't share your newfound desire, don't be dismayed. Let
go of the myth that you will be 100 percent sexually compatible with
a partner-it's not a requirement, it's not reasonable, and it is rare.

We tend to think of
relationships as static, as
if we could just get into
them, assume a position
inside them and then
continue to hold it,
essentially without
changing forever, world
without end. But in fact,
our relationships are fluid,
vivid, mercurial, and
constantly changing.

-DAPHNE ROSE KINGMA'

If your partner has informed you about a new desire of his, it's
common to feel shocked, overwhelmed, confused, and threatened.
Don't let your own insecurities get the best of you in these situations;
fight hard to see the change for what it is and not as a comment on
you, the relationship, or the shortcomings of either. Sometimes, you
believe you know your partner so well that a radical change catches
you off guard and you suddenly question your connection. This is the
"I thought I knew you" reaction; remember that you do know your
partner, and now he is inviting you to know even more of him. Rather
than focus on the negative ("How long have you been wanting this and
not telling me?"), try to focus on the positive: he has given you a gift
based on how much he trusts and values you in his life.

Probably one of the most dramatic announcements of a new desire can
come when one spouse in a heterosexual marriage comes out as gay or
lesbian. Couples who decide to open up their relationship as a result face
the added pressure of grappling with the change in sexual orientation.
Because the spouse who comes out is having a life-changing experience,
Amity Buxton cautions spouses to anticipate this element of the transition:

Be prepared for a good period of disorientation; as the
gay/bi spouse discovers the other side, the excitement of the discoveries [may] blind the spouse for a while to the positives
of the heterosexual relationship. If the straight spouse can hold
it together and remain open and love at this crucial time, when
the gay/bi partner calms down, the marriage will be better
than ever.'

In addition to coping with one spouse's euphoria over coming out,
both partners in mixed-orientation marriages must let go of the fairy
tale of the perfect white-picket-fence marriage, and they have to grieve
that loss. They must figure out what each person needs to stay in the
relationship and be fulfilled. They have to confront issues of homophobia-their own and others'. Some carry the burden of maintaining
appearances, keeping their secret from loved ones; others tell friends
and family, and must deal with criticism, ignorance, and rejection.

While it is important for mixed-orientation couples to have the
support of loved ones, it's often more helpful to seek support from
people who have been in a similar situation. Finding a group (whether
online or in person) as well as an experienced therapist can help you
navigate the unfamiliar waters.

The inability to know what the future holds when someone you
love very deeply is starting a new relationship is hard to deal
with. [The new relationship] hasn't had enough time to develop to
know what kind of impact it might have on your own. -Lena

When you are in one or more relationships and someone new enters
the picture, things inevitably change. If you are interested in a new
partner, first follow the rules you have agreed to, whether its asking
permission before getting involved, keeping people in the loop, or setting up a face-to-face meeting between existing partners and the newbie.
Whatever it is you said you'd do-do it. People are much more likely to respond positively when they feel that you've been aboveboard with
them. "I had unsafe sex with this guy and now I want to start a relationship with him" is a poor way to introduce the person. Even though
NRE has started to kick in, pace yourself. Don't rush into spending
every weekend together or get matching tattoos. Let yourself-and
your existing partner(s)-get used to the idea.

If your partner has begun a new relationship, feel free to renegotiate limits, time, and other matters now that there is an additional
partner in her life. Make sure she is spending enough time with you so
you don't feel neglected. Remind yourself that this new relationship is
not about you. Tell the voice in your head shouting She wants this
change, so it must mean she's not happy with me! to buzz off. If you're feeling insecure, reach out to other loved ones for support. Ask your
partner for reassurance. Remember, she's drunk on NRE, so be prepared to be frustrated or annoyed with her.

Ginger is a 33-year-old human resources director from Baltimore;
she has been married to her husband, Craig, for five years, and they
practice BDSM. During the first four years of their marriage, the two of
them played with other women only About a year ago, they met a
woman named Tonya and began playing with her; subsequently, they
discussed the possibility of including Tonya's husband, Nat. One night,
the three were doing a scene and invited Nat to watch. After the threesome played for a while, Craig (as Ginger's Dominant) directed Ginger
to go off by herself and have sex with Nat. Ginger was surprised, but
also excited, because she was attracted to Nat. Ginger and Nat really
clicked that night and continued to see each other. She expressed to
her husband that she had developed deep feelings for Nat, and Craig
freaked out. Ginger says:

I didn't realize that Craig hadn't seen it coming. I was, like, "Oh,
isn't this great?" and he was having full-out panic attacks, shortness of breath, hyperventilating, crying. I've hardly ever seen this guy cry. At that point, we'd been seeing Nat and Tonya for a
couple of months and I was really bonded with Nat-and with
Tonya. Craig wanted to call off the whole relationship. I'd say,
"Okay we won't see them anymore," but then I was mad. The
more upset Craig got, the more jealous and possessive he became.
Nat and I made plans to meet secretly. When Craig found out
about it, there was an explosion, and that's when we stopped
seeing them completely.

Ginger and Craig continued to fight about it. "In his heart of
hearts, Craig felt that we started out being poly with women only, and
gosh darn it, that's the way we should stay." They had different visions
of their polyamory, and their visions didn't mesh. Ginger considered
leaving Craig:

It wasn't that I didn't love him. It was that he wanted to keep me
in this box that I didn't want to be in. He saw that we agreed from
the beginning about having other women in our relationship and
that I was breaking our agreement. I see things a lot more fluid
and gray and he sees things as more black and white... He never
envisioned poly involving other men, at least not men I'd fall in
love with. He was feeling unloved, unworthy, disposable, jealous,
not in control, hurt. Unfortunately, I was already in love with Nat
by this time, and couldn't give him up without breaking my heart.
After learning to be poly and share my husband with other women,
and living that life for over four years, I felt entitled to explore my
feelings for Nat... I didn't see a solution, because I didn't think he
would ever agree to see Tonya and Nat anymore, and I didn't
think I'd be happy not seeing them.

Ginger and Craig went to couples counseling, where Craig worked
on his anger and insecurity One day, Craig arranged for the four of them
to have dinner. Ginger says, "I don't know if it was counseling, I don't know if was the fear of losing our relationship," but Craig announced
at dinner he wanted to reconcile. A few weeks later, Nat and Ginger
began to have a regular weekly date night. Craig was finally willing to
accept him in Ginger's life, with one caveat: Ginger would not have any
other male partners. So, they renegotiated their agreement to reflect
these new terms.

Ginger acknowledges that another reason her relationship with Nat
was difficult for her husband to deal with was that she had such
strong feelings for Nat. Many people in open relationships struggle
when love becomes part of the equation. Some people's agreements
allow for the possibility of deep emotional relationships-even lovewith other partners. But this doesn't make it any easier when your
partner announces she's fallen in love with someone else. One reason
it stirs up such strong emotions is the myth of monogamy: we are
taught that you can only be in love with one person at a time. In the
monogamous world, a partner's declaration of love for someone else
usually means the present relationship is over.

In nonmonogamy, a new love does not mean the loss of the relationship, but it may still feel like a loss: loss of security, loss of time,
loss of affection, or loss of status (as the only primary, as the only one
he loves, and so on). A statement of love for someone new can intensify
uncertainty: when she was a casual partner, you felt secure, but now
that he loves her... Embracing your partner's love for someone new is
part of achieving compersion. To get there, you must try to feel not
loss, but gain: your partner has gained a new love, which brings more
love into your world.

One of the more difficult issues Khane had to deal with was hearing his primary partner, Ignacio, express his love for some of his
other partners. "I had a lot of residual issues from my past relation ship. I felt that we would stray away from being primaries and I didn't
want that to happen. I prepared for the worst," Khane says. Ignacio
wanted to reassure Khane, but also be realistic: "I couldn't really say,
`Well, that'll never happen, baby,' because it's not true; it could
happen... Right now I love the hell out of him. I can't even think of
having another primary I could say, `Right now, in this moment, I don't
want that."' Processing and renegotiating this issue brought up difficult
questions for Khane: