Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (30 page)

People's self-judgment can be exacerbated by criticism from other
nonmonogamous people. Some polyamorous people believe so strongly
in polyamory as a lifestyle that they see other styles-even other styles
of nonmonogamy-as inferior. Some people see polyamory as an orientation, like sexual orientation, and believe that there is no equivalent
to bisexuality: you're either nonmonogamous or you're not. People can
become catty and mean when defending their community, as happened with Gabrielle when she first met other poly people and asked
them about their lifestyle: "Everyone was like, `Oh, it's so wonderful'
and `It's all about not owning your partner.' They made it sound like
this superior lifestyle, this superior way of thinking and being, as if
you'd be a better person for doing it. [They said that] monogamous
people are really just enslaved to each other."

If you've explored your options and chosen monogamy, remember that your choice is valid. You seek a relationship style that fits your
needs, and for some people that style is monogamy Take all the relationship skills you learned from nonmonogamy and apply them to your
monogamous relationship.

In the world of monogamy, there are usually two choices when something isn't working: stay together or break up. For polyamorous people,
there are many more options; for instance, the relationship can continue-only in a different form. When a primary relationship becomes
nonprimary, it still feels like a kind of breakup. You must grieve the
loss, but also take comfort in the fact that the relationship can evolve
into something else that works for both partners.

When Lena and Sal met, they had a common interest in community
activism and worked on forming a local poly organization together. They formed a strong bond, moved in together, and became primary
partners for nearly eight years. Both had other relationship partners
during that time. Lena describes how their relationship changed:

There were some serious things that were not really available in
my relationship with Sal. We're actually very different in a lot of
ways. He's a lovely man and I love him to death, but there were
some fairly significant compatibility issues for living together.
I was pacing myself because I'd been on the poly roller coaster
earlier in my poly years and I was done with having a lot of
drama, so I wasn't out actively searching for new partners. But
then I met Gavin and we clicked so beautifully, our values were
so much the same... About the same time, Sal met Jennie. I liked
Jennie a lot and she liked me, and we all spent some time together,
but it was pretty clear that Sal and Jennie were more compatible
than he and I were. It was this serendipity thing that happened:
I fell madly in love with Gavin, Sal fell in love with Jennie. We had
a heart-to-heart talk [where we discussed] that these were serious
relationships and they felt like a better fit. One of the beautiful
parts of polyamory tome is that you don't have to ditch the whole
relationship; you can change it to be something more suitable to
what you want, what your needs are, what everybody's needs are.

After Lena began spending more time with Gavin and Sal began
spending more time with Jennie, everyone sat down and talked about
logistics: who lived where, when leases would expire, financial issues.
They devised a plan to shift living arrangements so Lena and Gavin
would move in together and Sal would move in with another partner
of his. Lena credits the fairly smooth transition to their dedication to
one another and their pride in being leaders in their poly community:

The key was that Sal and I loved each other and wanted to be
happy. We had over time agreed that we didn't intend to own each other even if it meant giving each other up to someone else
because it made us happier. We agreed that it would be painful
too, [but] we wanted to have enough love in our hearts to be able
to do that... I long ago gave up the notion of "till death do us
part." What made the difference for Sal and me was that we both
have enough pride in being people who represent polyamory that
we don't want to be the ones in the big stink.

The transition from primary to nonprimary can be difficult just in
terms of logistics, especially if you live together, share finances, jointly
own property, or co-parent children. In these difficult moments, put
to use what you've learned through the practice of polyamory: selfreflection, honesty, communication, boundaries. If necessary, ask a
therapist or relationship coach to help you with the transition.

Acknowledge and embrace the change that comes with your open relationship. Expect it, so that it doesn't sneak up on you and catch you
completely off guard. Change disrupts, threatens the status quo, and
makes us feel insecure. If you perceive change as a negative force, it
can overwhelm, intimidate, and paralyze you. However, if you see
change as something positive-an opportunity to learn and grow-it
can feel like a gift. Change in someone else can be just as surprising as
change in yourself. When you experience change in yourself, you
know that it will affect you. But when a partner comes to you and
announces that something is changing or has changed, it may affect
you in unexpected ways. It's the domino effect: their change means
that we must change.

Change inspires a range of emotions, and people's reactions to
change can differ greatly It can produce confusion: "When I met you,
you weren't into BDSM; now all of a sudden you are?" It can feel like a form of betrayal: "But this is what we agreed to, this is what I signed
up for; now you're changing the rules." Change can hit the core of
someone's deepest insecurities: "You want this change, so it must mean
you're not happy with me." It can also make people angry: "We agreed
to partnered nonmonogamy; now you tell me you want to be polyamorous?" At the heart of many negative reactions to change is fear: fear
of the unknown, fear of things being different, fear of the relationship
ending. You've got to face the fear head on, otherwise it can swallow
you whole.

Change is an opportunity to sit down with your partner(s) and
evaluate your relationship. Examine your rules and agreements thus
far and see what needs to be amended to accommodate the change.
Begin the negotiation process again: consider where you are, who you
are, what you need and want. You may want to start fresh, with a blank
sheet of paper; let all past agreements go and begin again. The goals
are the same as when you first negotiated your agreement: listen to
each other, ask for what you want, and be willing to compromise.

While change does not have to signal the end of a relationship,
sometimes a change can be so profound that the relationship cannot
continue. If accommodating the change means you must unduly compromise your most basic needs and wants, it may be time to move on.
Some changes are relationship deal breakers. When Jimmy, a 42-year-old
transgendered man from Pittsburgh, began a new primary relationship,
two of his other relationships ended:

I had two longtime loves that contributed a great deal to my life.
The relationships were rich with love, sex, and learning. When
I fell in love with my current partner it felt to them like a violation of our relationship. At that time I was poly/nonpartnering.
Neither of them was primary and they believed there never would
be someone primary. It was a big change in the way I was living
my life to be enthralled with a love in a way I might want to live with her. I did not manage their concerns well. I asserted my
right to grow as I needed and that the change was not breaking
a promise. Ultimately, I find it harder to grow and change
dynamically in a half-dozen committed relationships than in one.
But, the trade-off of greater complexity in exchange for diverse
connection remains worth it.

Ending a relationship is difficult, disruptive, and painful.
Breakups can bring out the worst in many people. We have few models
for a clean, loving, and graceful end to a relationship. But, as cliched
as it may sound, breaking up can be yet another opportunity for
growth: you can let go of old patterns, learn from past mistakes,
achieve clarity about what you want, and move forward with your life.

PROFILE: ANDI AND JOSH

"We're not as naive as we were."

ANDI, AN EVENT PLANNER, AND JOSH, a construction manager,
both 30, live in New York City and have been together for eight years.
They met in college, where they dated for several years, and in 1999
they were married. Andi was a virgin until their wedding night, and
their premarital relationship had been monogamous. After four years of
monogamous marriage, Andi expressed interest in women, and josh
told her he was open to her exploring her bisexuality Around that time,
they hooked up with a male friend of theirs for their first threesome; it
was a positive experience for both of them. Then Andi began dating and
having sex with women. Since Josh had revealed that he, too, might be
bisexual, Andi told him it was all right with her if he dated men.

Josh was more interested in doing things together, so they put an
ad on a website and eventually met and had sex with another couple. They also began having sex with others on their own, adopting a style
of partnered nonmonogamy: "At that point, the fact of the matter was
we had our primary relationship and everything else was just sexual
fun things," Josh says. After reading The Ethical Slut, they talked about
other possibilities and fantasized about finding another bi couple to
have a relationship with. They dabbled in dating others-Andi dated
men and women, and josh dated women. They opened the door to the
possibility of falling in love. "He had been dating this girl for a while.
I would say it was the most emotional relationship I ever saw [him]
have outside our relationship," Andi says. "I remember asking him, `Do
you think you're falling in love with her?' I think he said, `I'm not sure.'
I said, `Well, I'm okay with that, you know. Love is a great feeling."'

Wanting to invest more emotional energy in their other partners,
they started seeking girlfriends and boyfriends rather than just casual
sex partners. At that point, they had a full disclosure rule, josh says.
`Basically, I called it `Don't ask, do tell.' We didn't want to be surprised
by anything. We wanted to be proactive and forthcoming."

For Andi, polyamory worked on several levels: "It's really good to
get attention from other people to increase our confidence. For me, it
gave me a lot of experience I never had. Growing up Catholic, with josh
my first lover, and never having been with other women, I felt I was
deprived of sexual experiences and emotional relationships. [I had the
chance to] build those emotional relationships with men and women,
get to know people, and make deep connections. Then we also had this
idea that [polyamory] made our relationship stronger because: a) we're
being so open and honest with each other; and b) you need a really
secure relationship to go outside of it. We felt very proud of ourselves
that we have that and always try to maintain that-it made that bond
even stronger."

"Along with the confidence came a growing and improving sex
life," Josh says. They brought what they learned from other relationships back to their partnership. They also took good care of themselves, worked out, and cared more about how they looked while they were
dating other people.

Josh and Andi struggled with jealousy over the amount of time
each spent with other partners. "Balance was the big [conflict] ... It was
very difficult when one of us had a relationship going on outside, especially something serious, and one of us didn't," Andi says. "Or if I was
dating a lot, because it was a lot easier for a married woman to get
dates-with men or women." Josh agrees: "If Andi's dating three guys
and I've got nothing going on the side for myself, it was very difficult."
But they managed their jealousy, they fell in love with other people,
and they had several relationships.

About a year ago, Josh began seeing a new woman. Andi says, "This
got really serious. It was the first time I was afraid of it affecting our
relationship." Josh says, "I know I did some things that were neglectful, like breaking plans with my wife to hang out with this other girl."
While Andi was trying hard to accept this new partner, one night
when she and Josh met for drinks Josh started making out with another
woman, a former student of his from his teaching years. It was too
much for Andi, and they had a horrific argument.

After the fight, they agreed to take a month apart and Andi moved
out just weeks before their seventh wedding anniversary. "I still
knew that we belonged together. I had this epiphany: We have to give
up all this other stuff, we have to go to couples therapy," Andi says.
"We had to really focus on each other. For the first time in three and a
half or four years, I said I could be monogamous again." That was a big
revelation for her. "Once we were poly, I identified so much with it, it
made me happy, I felt fulfilled, I felt so much more like myself... It was
really, really important to me. [There were previous times when] he
wanted to go back to being monogamous, and I said I couldn't do it."