Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (34 page)

IN AN ARTICLE on being a polyamorous parent, Valerie White writes:
"Human babies are wired for clans, not `nuclear families' where mom
is home alone with the kids. Therefore, I believe that raising children
in ways that are healthy and natural for them is one thing polyamory
can be good at."' Valerie is a 62-year-old attorney from Massachusetts.
She lives with her primary partner and husband, Ken, and his partner,
Judy Valerie and Ken have several children and Ken and Judy have
two. "Ken and I were present during Judy's labor and delivery of the
twins. I helped to nurse them. We are three equal co-parents. Judy
would probably not have decided to have children if there hadn't been
three of us-and me an experienced parent."

In a reader survey conducted by Loving More magazine in 2002,
26 percent of 1,000 respondents had children under 18 living with
them. Among my interviewees, 50 have children (not necessarily
under 18 or living with them). One of the benefits of raising children
in a polyamorous household is that everyone has more help: there are
more adults to meet the needs of each child. Lee, who raises a toddler
with his primary partner in San Francisco, concurs:

When there were three of us involved, sharing each other and the
burdens of parenting, I felt that the benefits of nonmonogamy
were really coming through for me. If two of us needed a date, one
of us could be the one to stay at home with the child. We had a
few instances where we all wanted date time, so we each took two
hours of "rearing time" to allow the other two "pairing time."

With more pairs of hands changing diapers, helping with homework, and driving to soccer practice, multipartner households, like
extended families, alleviate some of the burdens on the traditional
nuclear family But polyamorous people who parent do more than raise
their children: they help redefine what constitutes a family.

Coming out about your relationship style to your children is a complex but important decision. Among my interviewees with children,
52 percent have come out to them and 11 percent have come out to
their older children-a much higher rate than found in other research.

A 1982 study by Watson and Watson found that while 75 percent
of polyamorous survey respondents wanted their children to know of
their lifestyle, only 21 percent had actually informed their children of
the full extent of their involvements with other partners. "Some
include their children in the company of their secondary partners, and
indicate that they enjoy the process of modeling an alternative for their
children. Other parents feel that sharing the news of their lifestyle
would be too upsetting for their children, or would not be understood,
or would be shared haphazardly with neighbors and school friends."2

Just as there are pros and cons to coming out to adults, there are
benefits and risks of coming out to children. Whether your children
live with you part-time or full-time, whether you see them frequently
or infrequently, they are a big part of parents' lives. Children are often more observant, intuitive, and knowledgeable about the world around
them than we give them credit for. At some point, children are apt to
figure out that a parent has a nontraditional relationship; coming out
to them puts it right out on the table and creates a forum for them to
ask questions and get answers.

Being honest about your relationship(s) can foster a sense of
openness and candor in your relationship with your kids. You don't
have to offer false explanations about the identity of someone in your
life, withhold affection for someone in their presence, or otherwise
cover up your relationships. Being up front also sends a clear message:
your relationship choices are valid and acceptable rather than shameful or something to hide. In an essay on poly parents, John Ullman
extends this to sex as well: "Attempting to cover up our polyamory
would only send a message that sex was surrounded by anxiety and
hypocrisy, and perhaps we did things we were ashamed of."3

Alongside the benefits of honesty and sharing are some significant
concerns. Some people wonder if their nontraditional relationship will
confuse or psychologically damage their kids. There is limited research
on children raised by polyamorous parents. As part of their 1973 study
of multilateral marriage, Joan and Larry Constantine collaborated with
Angela Hunt, a professor and child psychology specialist from Iowa State
University, to conduct a substudy of the children of such marriages.
They concluded:

On most issues, the structure of the family has little bearing
on the children's development. What does affect them is the
nature and the quality of their parents' interactions with
them and with each other. As in nuclear families, good marriages are good for children, bad marriages are not.4

More recently, in the magazine Proud Parenting, licensed clinical
social worker Arlene Istar Lev declared: "I want to be blatantly clear, at
the risk of upsetting my more conservative readers, that a polyamorous lifestyle can be a healthy, loving, nurturing environment in which to
raise children, regardless of one's sexual orientation, marital status, or
methods of conception."6

According to the Loving More Polyamory Survey (2002)

• 26 percent of respondents had children under 18 living
with them

• 13.3 percent had experienced discrimination by Child
Protective Services because of a poly relationship

• 61 percent had adopted or would be open to adopting
children within a poly relationships

Just as with coming out to adults, it is a valid concern that children
may not be accepted or may be ostracized by their peers and others in
your community. If your custody of the children could be challenged
by a disapproving social worker, co-parent, ex-spouse, or grandparent,
your open relationship could be used against you.

There are several issues to consider before your tell your kids about
your open relationship. First, how much does your relationship style
affect their daily lives? This will determine how much they need to
know. For example, if you are a solo polyamorist, you can simply say
that you date multiple people who know about each other. If you practice partnered nonmonogamy, additional partners could be introduced
as friends, which would be honest and appropriate. However, if you're
part of a triad, have several long-term poly partners, or live with (or
plan to live with) multiple partners, your children will have more contact with partners and more chances to see you interact. Explaining the
nature of your relationships can be much more important in these cases.

Another issue to consider is how mature your children are. The
nature of the information you give them should be age-appropriate
and suitable to their level of maturity. You should also assess the community in which you live. If the social climate is not supportive, there
will be a bigger burden on your children to field questions and criticism. George and his two triad partners are raising two daughters. He
noticed that there was more speculation and questioning when they
lived in a conservative suburb than when they moved to the city:

Before we moved back down to the city, when we were living in
the suburbs, Suzanne, our older daughter certainly did have more
[of] her peers [ash] "What's up with your family?" Our kids don't
wonder why their family is different, but other kids do. Suzanne
says, "This is what it is, this is who my family is." The kids are a
little more disposed to say "okay" but then they'll go and talk
to their parents. If anyone has an issue, it's the other children's
parents... If our kids have had any kind of extracurricular
friendships with other kids, either their parents are open-minded
enough just to not let it faze them or they're closed-minded in the
passive-aggressive Minnesota way-they just kind of recede into
the background.

If you decide to tell your children, set aside some dedicated time to
talk to them about it; be prepared to spend as much or as little time as
they want. Be proactive and confident when you approach the subject;
if you're anxious about the conversation, your kids will sense it and it
might make them uneasy Do not make assumptions about what they
know or don't know; tell them everything you intend to tell them, and
if they already know some of it, let them reveal that. Explain the details
in age-appropriate language; a 16-year-old can understand the term polyamory, but it won't mean anything to a 4-year-old. Depending on
your level of openness with them, leave sex out of the discussion, or
minimize it. Put your relationship in context for them; if they know
other kids who have gay and lesbian parents, single parents, or stepparents, offer them as examples of families like yours. Aaron, a computer
engineer from Minneapolis, has two daughters and lives in a triad:

We live in a fairly progressive community: [our children] know
gay people, a lesbian couple who have kids, people who have
divorced and remarried... So there are all varieties of mixed
families around us. When we got together we sat down with
Gwen, our older daughter and said, Hey, this is what's going on.
Then, when [our partner] Penny not just moved in but we all got
married, we said, This is what's going on, this is a part of our
family. [Our younger daughter] Bonnie was actually born after
we were in a relationship with Penny. She gets that we have a different family, home life, and relationship than most other kids
do. But I don't know if she's tried to figure it out; it's more like,
That's what you have, this is what I have.

When kids hear something about their parents, they want to know
how it will affect them and their lives. Reassure them that you love them,
your partners love them, and no one is breaking up or having secret
affairs. If you are no longer involved with one of your children's parents,
assure your child that your other partners do not intend to replace their
mom or dad. Emphasize that each adult cares deeply about them and
is there for them. Explain that while your family may not look like other
people's families, that's what it is: a family

Sandra is part of a five-person circle, four of whom live together
and are raising four children together: "We explained it to them
according to their understanding, in whatever age-appropriate terms
we could figure out. It was never a `secret' from them, and we let them
know we loved each other very much and wanted to expand our family"

Diane and Mike live with their triad partner, Derek, who is
divorced. Among them they have 10 kids, seven who live with them.
Diane says:

The youngest don't know exactly what the relationship is but
they always call Derek their second dad. The oldest know exactly
what's going on. They don't care... Whenever one of the younger
ones decides to ash me, I'm going to just tell her, it's like this:
We have a very special relationship and it's not very often in life
that you get to find somebody else to love this much. This is how
we've been living and what's been going on this whole time. We
don't love you any less and we don't love you any more. We just
do the best we can with you. That's pretty much what we told the
older kids.

Once you tell your children, an important issue that you need to
address with them is how and when to share this new information
with others. This is one of the trickiest elements of coming out to kids.
You want to make it clear that you are being open and honest, that
your family is "just another kind of family" that you're telling them this
because it is nothing to hide or keep secret. But in certain cases you
have to tell them not to tell other people. While this sends a mixed
message, it may be necessary if you live in an unsupportive community or if there could be career repercussions for one of your partners.
You'll have to set ground rules about the people this information can
be shared with, and you'll have to explain that there are people in the
world who are ignorant and bigoted and don't understand other kinds
of families. As part of this, ensure that your kids have someone to talk
to about their feelings besides you; give them the option of seeing a
therapist, and make sure to find one who has experience with people
in alternative relationships.

For kids who were born into multipartner households, being part
of a nontraditional family is all they know It's not until they meet other kids that they realize their family is different. But this doesn't mean
they won't have questions. Be prepared to sit down with them and have
a conversation. Diane's older kids came to her first:

Derek's kids [from his previous marriage] had told my older two
kids. So they came to me, and I said, "Well, what do you know?"
They explained to me what they knew. I told them they only had
it half right because they thought that we were all just swingers.
I said, "No. Do you notice how long Derek has lived with us?"...
My oldest said, "Why is Derek still hanging around?" I told him
the reason he's hanging around is because he loves you guys, as
much as your dad or I do... That's why he makes you do your
chores, watches you do your homework, goes to the zoo with us,
you know, everything.

Cat is a 38-year-old massage therapist from central Oklahoma.
She has two sons:

Holt is 16 and Patrick is 8. Holt is quite aware, though I don't
think he really knows or even cares which of my close friends are
lovers and which are not. Patrick is somewhat aware but pays
little or no attention. When they are here, they are among this big
community of people of all ages and genders and lovestyles and
nobody can really tell who's just being affectionate with a family'
member and who's cuddling with a sweetheart. Their father and
I divorced when Holt was 9 and Patrick was 18 months old. Holt
had already been aware of our polyamory for several years, and
his dad and new stepmom were together for some time before he
and I split up. We were always very up front with Holt about our
belief that people should be able to love as many people as they
love... I answer Patrick's questions matter-of-factly. If he asks,
"Why do you go on dates with girls and boys?" I say, "Because
I love those people and I want to spend time with the people I love."