Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (33 page)

During the past century, the dominant family structure has shifted
from large, extended families with multiple generations living together
to the smaller nuclear family; this shift has been well documented,
along with its downside, including increased isolation and dependence
on a smaller number of people. Some people who identify as
polyamorous have reenvisioned the family as a chosen group of likeminded members rather than as a group that belongs together because
of blood relation or marriage. These larger groups-consisting of four
to 50 members-are called families, tribes, or networks. Although the
use of the term family here overlaps with its meaning as used by some polyfidelitous groups, family in this sense is equivalent to extended
family.

Relationships within a family can vary greatly and may include
one's lovers, ex-lovers, partners, partners' partners, friends, biological
family, children, and so on. What they have in common is that all
members consider themselves bound to one another as part of a family
This larger network may have a name, be centered on a patriarch or
matriarch, may encompass people from a specific geographic region,
or be organized around a shared interest like BDSM. The level of regular contact between members within the network varies widely, but
this is a chosen family whose members rely on one another for unconditional love, acceptance, help, friendship, and caretaking. They often
come together for holidays, and support each other with childcare, a
place to stay, or financial help. They join forces during major life
changes such as the birth of a child, a major illness, or death.

Dillon, a bisexual man from New York, says, "While I have no
problem with one-time-only sex, I prefer creating and sustaining relationships that include sex as a means of showing affection. I prefer being
sexually affectionate and sensual in my friendships, and I have cultivated
a large community of like-minded, similarly expressive people. We occasionally have group get-togethers that include sex, and we play with
whom we please, with fervor and glee, according to where people are at
in the moment. To some this might seem like `casual sex,' but I take my
friendships and sexual expression seriously Both are very important to
me and feed and nurture me greatly" It is important to Dillon that all his
partners know each other and that they become friends; as a result, he
has created an extended network of over 40 people, made up of friends,
lovers, partners, partners of partners, and others with whom he has a
relationship of some kind. "That is how I live my life these days...
Everybody knowing each other and meeting each other's partners is how,
for me, I think it all works... We have this network that is actually
healthy and kind of like a family because we don't hide it."

Jimmy is part of a queer leather family in Pittsburgh, most of
whose 12 members are polyamorous. It originated in the mid-nineties,
growing out of a local S/M organization: "Some of our members don't
live in Pittsburgh. Some lived here and moved. Some never lived here.
Some don't play any longer, but everybody is on board, accepting each
other's perversions and tastes and needs and quirks." Jimmy explains
how he sees them as a family rather than a group of friends:

In a group of friends, everyone really likes each other and they
have things in common. When there's a fight or someone takes on
something that others don't agree with, you get dropped from the
circle. You get married, you leave the circle, and that's often the
way your friends work. In our group... there's always someone in
the family that you don't like so much, but you have some kind of
bond with them. You still consider them yours, even if you don't
like them. I'm not saying I don't like them... I'm saying... you
celebrate all the birthdays, all the holidays. When someone's in
the hospital, you arrange to take out the dog and things like that.
We do the things that families do... We've had people go through
issues and into therapy, we've had people divorce, we've had
people partner with nonleather folk, and we've worked out how
those people can stay within the family.

In his interview, Jimmy stressed that his leather family was a big
part of his polyamorous identity: "Our commitment as a family is as
strong, important, and valuable as the individual relationships I have."

Some groups are more loosely organized, like Brett's: "Our tribe,
based in Seattle, includes two of my wife's lovers, two of my co-husband's
lovers, and a large number of people we consider family We have been
attached to them for over 10 years. I consider them tertiary partners,
but we do make time in our lives to spend with them."

The notion of chosen family came up a lot in my interviews, even
among folks who are not part of larger networks, like Brett, Jimmy, and Dillon. There was plenty of talk among polyamorous people about
how they considered their partners-however many there were-to be
like a family. Aiden sees his triad as a family and relates his desire to
live with more than one person to his upbringing:

My family was a big extended family. My aunts and uncles and
cousins were always around. It was a very warm feeling, very
"We got your back." I like that, and I think that leans toward why
I draw multiple people around me now.

While he appreciates his family of origin, Aiden makes it clear that
his new, chosen family will make medical decisions for him. This is significant, because he has multiple disabilities and is currently in a wheelchair:

If anything happens to me, my bois get to make the decisions, not
my biological family. My birth family knows this, and though they
were a bit hurt at first, they have come to realize that the bois are
my family just as much as my parents and sister. [They] are
relieved I have such a tight-knit, loving family to live happily
with, care for and be cared for by.

In their 1973 book Group Marriage, Larry and Joan Constantine
noted some of the benefits of multiperson marriages they discovered
in their research:

In other ways, voluntary intimate networks can fulfill many of
the functions of extended families and close communities
providing, for example, alternate resources for temporary
needs. Based on choice and involving families in similar stages
of the family life cycle, intimate networks can avoid some of
the tensions and resented obligations of the extended families
based on blood ties.'

For people in alternative relationships, family is a significant word
that conjures up two groups of people: the families we come from and the families we create for ourselves. The concept of a chosen family has
been researched and described by social scientists. As nonmonogamous
and polyamorous people redefine what it means to be spouses, partners, and lovers, they are also redefining family In the next chapter we
will turn our attention to another aspect of family: raising children.

PROFILE: JUDY AND TRAVIS

"It's been a new beginning for both of us in many ways."

JUDY AND TRAVIS, both in their late 50s, have been married for 35
years. They are teachers and live together in New York. Six years ago,
Judy discovered an interest in BDSM, and she shared her desire with
Travis: "I'd kept quiet about it for so long. I wanted to build in success
and have him respond well and not argue, so it was a long conversation. I showed him things I'd been reading about safety etc. I tried to
enlist him with some light play and he did try, but it didn't work at all.
Realizing that he couldn't provide me with this, I told him that I had to
explore this, I was going to find someone, and I refused to sneak around.
He was okay-not jumping up and down for joy or anything-but
okay He said, just don't do anything stupid."'

When she made her disclosure to him, Travis had already discovered he was gay, but he was in the closet: "Here I am, a closeted gay man,
and Judy's finding this outlet... It would be in my best interest to just
simply listen, not fly off the handle. In some ways, I was relieved that
she had found something that was the path that she needed to take."

At that point in their relationship, their sex life "was nonexistent
for the most part," but Judy believed she could explore BDSM without
sex. "He even asked me if it would involve sex, and I said maybe...
I didn't really think it would, though, but once I had an experience,
I realized that I couldn't do it without sex. I didn't tell him when I actually started having sex with a partner. I didn't go into details. He doesn't
want to hear the details, even now"

Judy had begun to suspect that Travis was gay She asked him, but
he denied it. "He really couldn't come out. I kept opening doors for
him, holding them open. .but he couldn't walk through. I think that
since so many wives respond so negatively and he'd heard such horror
stories, he was still afraid to let me know I now know he was doing
things behind my back-and here I was open about my life."

Travis finally came out to her about a year after she began seeing
other people. He admits that before his coming out, he did "the usual
sneaking around and stuff which I'm not particularly proud of." They
agreed that splitting up was unnecessary "One, we love each other,"
Judy says. "We are very much in tune, artistically, and are really best
friends. We have a beautiful daughter whom we both adore, and while
we didn't mention it, splitting up after being married so long would be
a huge hassle and financially very uncomfortable."

Judy admits that the timing was also important: "I also had a regular partner I was seeing, having more sex and play than I ever thought
possible... so it was a good time to tell me. If he'd told me when I wasn't
getting any and not in a happy place, I can't honestly say how I would
have reacted." Travis says, "Once I was out, once we were out to each
other, then it became this interesting situation... it was kind of nonthreatening... The uniqueness about it is that she has chosen her path in
what is essentially an alternative lifestyle and mine is alternative as well.
But then, they don't necessarily conflict with one another because I'm not
seeking, let's say, another woman or a relationship that's heterosexual."

When they came out to their daughter, they came out togetherJudy's interest in BDSM, Travis's sexual orientation, and their open
relationship. "She is incredibly proud to have us as parents; apparently
our `cool factor' went up. Many of her friends come from homes where
parents are divorced and angry. As she says, we put the fun back in
dysfunctional."

After coming out, Travis explored his sexuality and had some
casual partners before meeting his current boyfriend. Surprisingly, he did
not have a tough time explaining that he was married: "My boyfriend,
he's seen it all, essentially, every possible combination of open relationships... My situation is not necessarily a problem for him because he
understands and he's got this openness about him anyway. He likes the
idea that he and I have been able to carve out this kind of relationship
that's healthy and stable and sexually active and honest and Judy is
kind of a part of it." Travis and his boyfriend have been together for a
year and a half, and they are monogamous.

Judy has casual play partners, but no one steady or serious. Travis
says, "I communicate often and regularly with my wife. It is the only
way to survive any relationship. I have unfortunately learned that
rather late in life but I'm working on it... Because the relationship with
my wife is rather unusual and untraditional, we find that we are constantly making rules and redefining them, as we need to. With my gay
partner, it is pretty much ditto-we make the rules and live by them
until we feel the need to reevaluate, and then sit down and revamp
them as needed."

"Last Christmas, I invited my husband's beau to visit," Judy says.
"I had met him twice before, but he'd never stayed very long. I wanted
him to know that he was welcome in our family. He is an absolutely lovely
man, fits in very well-he and I even trade emails regularly He loves
to help out in the kitchen, and I welcome him, even though he's terrible at washing dishes. Christmas night, my husband leaned in to give me
a kiss and whispered, `Thanks for being so wonderful.' That was a great
gift." Travis says, "Think about it-your wife, your daughter, and your
gay boyfriend all laughing and opening up presents on Christmas
morning. Fabulous! Talk about accepting and sharing."

"For me, our coming out... didn't open up my sex life, it gave me
one," Judy says. "Arguing about not having sex is a terrible way to live.
It opened my life, and I really think Travis saw-and was moved to open his. It has opened up our lives, created more communication,
and an even deeper relationship. It erased the fear. It has seemed to
have an effect on our entire life." Travis agrees that it has strengthened
their existing connection: "We have this strong, loving relationship of
thirty-some-odd years of being together. We know how each other
thinks, how each other acts and reacts in certain ways; we're comfortable
with each other. [Our coming out] has taken us apart in some ways,
but it's also brought us back together. Our discussions have never been
more honest, funnier, more enjoyable. We can speak absolutely openly
to each other... We all need somebody in our life we can say anything
to and not be judged."