Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (36 page)

Several of the folks I interviewed are links in a fluid-bonded chain,
the last option in the list above. It looks something like the diagram
below (Not an actual group; the names are fictitious.)

John is married to Jocelyn and is fluid-bonded with her. Jocelyn
plays with a couple, Bill and Barbara, with whom she is also fluidbonded. (Therefore, whether John plays with them or not, he is
fluid-bonded with them as well.) Bill has sex with Shelley and Sue,
another fluid-bonded couple. To create a safer sex chain, the six people
sit down together, get tested, and when everyone tests negative for
STIs, they agree that anyone can have unprotected sex with anyone
else in the chain. They also agree that each person must practice safer
sex with anyone outside the chain.

People set up a chain to become fluid-bonded with multiple
others, but the more links are added to the chain, the more people you
must trust with your sexual health. If one person slips up, everyone is
affected. For example, if Sue has unprotected sex with someone whose
STI status she doesn't know and then has sex with Shelley, giving her
an infection, it can make its way back to John, even though Sue and
John don't have sex. If you choose to become fluid-bonded with one
or more partners, you should all abstain from unprotected sex for at
least two weeks, get tested for all STIs, and continue to have only protected sex-with all partners-while waiting for the results. Once you
know you are negative for all STIs, you may begin having unprotected
sex within the group while continuing to have safer sex with all other
partners.

While every person I interviewed for this book mentioned fluid
bonding, safer sex, or both, their definitions of "safer sex" varied greatly
when I asked them to elaborate. It's important that you be rigorously specific when discussing these issues with your partner(s). You and
your partner(s) can define safer sex in any way you like, but do not
assume that when you say "I practice safer sex," or "I'd like us both to
practice safer sex," the term has the same meaning for your partner
that it does for you. Here are some examples of the safer sex guidelines
given by interviewees:

• Condoms for vaginal and anal intercourse, no barriers for anything else

• Condoms for vaginal and anal intercourse, no barriers for oral
sex, no ejaculation in fellatio

• Condoms for vaginal and anal intercourse, condoms for fellatio,
dams for analingus, no barriers for cunnilingus

• Condoms for vaginal and anal intercourse, condoms for fellatio,
dams for analingus, dams for cunnilingus only if the woman
has her period

• Condoms for vaginal and anal intercourse, condoms for fellatio,
dams for analingus and cunnilingus, gloves for manual penetration, condoms for sex toys

Guidelines for safer sex change as new research emerges about
STI transmission, so negotiating safer sex should be an ongoing part of
your discussion about nonmonogamy Here are some of the tools you
can use to protect yourself and your partners.

Wearing a glove for external stimulation, penetration with fingers, and
hand jobs protects both you and your partner, especially if you have
any cuts, scratches, or even torn cuticles, which can provide direct access
to your bloodstream for an STI. Gloves made of latex are the most popular and widely available, and latex is a good safer sex barrier. If,
however, you are allergic or sensitive to latex, there are gloves made of
other materials, including nitrile, vinyl, and neoprene. Powdered gloves are easier to get on and off, but the powder can irritate people's skin;
if your skin feels itchy or turns red and you know you're not allergic
to the glove material, find one that's not powdered.

Gloves come in several different sizes, from extra small to extra
large, and it's important to find the right size for your hand. A glove
that's too small will cut off your circulation and has a greater risk of
tearing. One that is too big can feel uncomfortable to the receptive
partner and gives the wearer less sensitivity. Besides being great for
safer sex, gloves can make penetration smoother and more comfortable, especially if your nails are not perfectly trimmed and filed or if
you have long nails.

To protect yourself and your partner during cunnilingus and analingus, you can use one of several safer sex barriers. The most popular is
a latex dental dam. Originally, safer sex practitioners coopted squares
of latex designed for use by dentists (as the name indicates). Because
they were not developed with sex in mind, dental dams are too small
and too thick to make them ideal. Several companies-like Glyde,
Slicks, Lixx, and Good Vibrations-have improved upon the dental
dam, designing larger, thinner dams specifically for oral sex that do the
job much better. Hot Dam makes polyurethane dams for those allergic
to latex. Some dams come scented or flavored, and most are available
at better sex toy stores.

To make your own dam out of a latex or nonlatex condom, you
can cut an unlubricated condom up one side; these tend to be thinner,
like Glydes, allowing both partners more feeling and greater sensitivity You can also transform a latex glove into a dam: cut the wrist and
the fingers off, leaving the thumb intact, then cut up the side where the
pinkie was. Open it up, stick your tongue in the thumb slot, and
voila-it's like a condom for your tongue! This is my favorite kind of
dam because it affords both giver and receiver the highest sensitivity. For obvious reasons, it's best to use a glove that isn't powdered or
to rinse the powder off before you put your mouth near it. Try putting
a dab of lube on the inside and outside of the thumb for even more
sensitivity.

Store-bought plastic wrap (brands like Saran Wrap) is not just for
leftovers-it also makes a good barrier for cunnilingus and analingus.
Plastic wrap is less expensive and easier to find than latex dams, which
makes it more convenient. Another advantage: it can cover a lot more
surface area and no one has to hold the dam in place. Try wrapping
your sweetie's privates in plastic-think of it as a homemade thong for
safe, hands-free licking. You can simply cut it off when you're all done.

For fellatio, you can use a flavored condom or an unlubricated
condom. Condoms made for intercourse often come prelubed, and
chances are you're not going to like the taste of the lube. Flavored condoms are made especially for oral sex, or you can use an unlubricated
condom and add a dab of flavored lube or a lube you don't mind the
taste of. To increase sensitivity, add a dab of lube to the inside of the
condom before you put it on.

Because of the concentration of STIs in semen (and precum) and the
delicacy of the cervix and vaginal and rectal tissue, unprotected intercourse is among the riskiest of activities for the transmission of STIs.
When used correctly and consistently, condoms are highly effective in
preventing STI transmission; correctly is the key word here. There are
more untrustworthy people than there are untrustworthy condoms.
Three factors ensure a condom's effectiveness: proper fit, proper installation, and proper removal. Fit is incredibly important not only for the
sensitivity of both partners, but also for safety. A condom that fits well
is less likely to slip off or to break. Each brand of condom fits penises
slightly differently Brands like Exotica and LifeStyles make "snugger
fit" styles, which are smaller than regular condoms. Popular larger size brands include Durex XXL, Kimono Maxx, LifeStyles XL, and Trojan
Magnum and Magnum XL.

Putting on a condom the right way is very important. First, make
sure it's not inside out. If you use a condom with a receptacle tip,
gently press the air out of the tip before putting it on. Air bubbles can
rupture condoms. If you use a condom with a plain tip, leave about an
inch of space at the tip of the condom after pressing the air out; semen
needs somewhere to go, and ejaculation without that space can cause
a condom to break. Put a small amount of lube on the inside tip of the
condom to reduce air bubbles and increase sensitivity.

If your partner has ejaculated during penetration, whether he
feels his erection has subsided a little, all the way, or not at all, he
should hold on to the base of the condom as he withdraws. By not
holding on, he runs the risk of pulling out without the condom; then
one of you has to fish around inside you for it, which is both awkward
and unsafe, since semen could spill out of the condom. If he feels himself losing his erection during penetration or he withdraws before
ejaculation, he should also hold on to the base.

There are dozens of brands and varieties of condoms on the
market, and finding the right one for you may mean trying them out
until you find one you love. The majority of condoms are made of
latex, but people with latex allergies or sensitivities can try alternative
materials like polyurethane from brands like Durex Avanti and Trojan
Supra (only available with spermicide). Trojan Naturalambs, unique
condoms made from lamb intestines, do not prevent STIs. These days,
there are lots of styles to choose from: ribbed, studded, ridged, textured on the outside ("for her pleasure"), textured on the inside ("for
his pleasure"), and many more.

Most condoms come prelubricated, but you can also buy unlubed
condoms; either way, you can add your own favorite lube. You should
never use a condom lubricated with nonoxynol-9. Nonoxynol-9, found
in some lubricants and some lubricated condoms, is a chemical proven to kill the HIV virus and STIs in laboratory tests. Although it was once
widely recommended for safer sex, we now know that many people are
allergic to nonoxynol-9 and it really irritates their vaginas and rectums.
Because nonoxynol-9 is so harsh on the delicate tissue of the vagina and
rectum, research has shown that its more likely to irritate or traumatize the tissue, actually facilitating transmission of HIV and providing the
virus with an accessible route to the bloodstream. Read condom labels
to make sure the lube does not contain nonoxynol-9.

Safer Sex Negotiation

Review each possible sexual/BDSM act and what your agreement is. Here are some questions to guide you:

Sex

• Hand jobs/external stimulation with hand: on penises,
on vulvas

• External stimulation with a toy: on penises, on vulvas,
on asses

• Oral sex: on penises, on vulvas, on asses

• Finger penetration: in vaginas, in asses

• Fisting: in vaginas, in asses

• Penetration with a toy: in vaginas, in asses

• Penetration with a penis: in vaginas, in asses

Within the categories, you should consider if there are particular rules about ejaculation and menstruation.

BDSM

• Genital play/"genitorture"

• Heavy impact play

• Play piercing

• Other kinds of play that may draw blood

The Reality Female Condom is a tube of polyurethane closed at one
end and open at the other, like a larger version of the male condom.
Although some women find them cumbersome, others say it gives them
a sense of control and responsibility in the practice of safer sex. The
female condom can be used for both vaginal and anal intercourse, and,
in fact, it offers more protection because it lines the orifice, covering
the penis and the outer area of the vulva or anus. The female condom
can be slipped into the vagina or ass anytime before penetration.
Before insertion, lubricate the outside of the condom, and make sure
that the lubrication is evenly spread by rubbing the sides of the pouch
together. To insert it, squeeze the sheath, and, starting with the inner
ring, slip it in. Make sure that the inner ring is at the closed end of the
pouch. Once it is inside, push it the rest of the way in with your finger.
About an inch of the condom should hang outside the orifice, so the
outer ring doesn't slip inside during the action.

During penetration, the condom may move around, either side to
side or up and down. This is normal. However, if your partner's penis
or dildo is long or thrusts deeply, the condom could slip all the way
inside you. If your partner withdraws completely between thrusts, she
or he could reenter outside the protection of the condom. If this happens, stop and adjust the condom. Like everything else, using the
female condom takes practice and patience. To take the condom out,
squeeze and twist the outer ring (to keep fluid inside the pouch) and
pull it out slowly and gently Don't flush the Reality Female Condom
in the toilet-throw it away.

Transferring a sex toy from an infected person's vagina or anus directly
to another person's vagina or anus puts the latter person at risk for STI
transmission. You have a few options for making play with sex toys safe.
Porous toys can be cleaned with soap and water or a sex toy cleaner,
but cannot be completely disinfected. If a toy is porous (made of jelly,
rubber, PVC, vinyl, or thermal plastic such as CyberSkin), you should
either designate it as your own or, if you want to share it, cover it with
a condom and change condoms when you change orifices or partners.