Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (39 page)

Some people in polyfidelitous relationships have opted to form a business to protect certain assets of their relationships. There are various
kinds of corporations, and laws vary by state, but creating a corporation
may be a good option for sharing finances and ownership of assets and
for obtaining health insurance and other benefits. For example, you can
split the ownership of substantial property, like a house, into percentages
so each person owns a specified number of shares in the corporation.
Creating and running a corporation involves maintaining records,
filing lots of documentation with the state, paying corporate taxes, and
other administrative work which may or may not outweigh the benefits.

A Durable Power of Attorney is a legal document in which you designate
one or more persons ("agents") to make financial, medical, health care, and other decisions for you if you're unable to make them yourself. The
financial matters your designated agent is empowered to take charge of
include: handling financial transactions, managing bank accounts, paying
bills, collecting money owed to you, and investing your money; filing
and paying taxes; buying, selling, and maintaining real estate; and
signing legal documents on your behalf. You may designate one person
to oversee these areas as well as make medical decisions (outlined
below), or designate one person for financial matters (via a Durable
Power of Attorney for Finances) and another for health-care matters.
You may appoint multiple agents to act on your behalf; however, if you
do, you must spell out whether each agent can act separately or if they
must all make decisions together.

Use a health care proxy, also called a Durable Medical or Health Care
Power of Attorney, to designate who will make medical decisions on
your behalf should you be unable to do so; the designated person is
called an agent or proxy If you become unconscious, unable to communicate, mentally incapacitated, or in some way not competent to make
decisions, your health care proxy or proxies will be empowered to
make important decisions about your health care (including medical
treatments and whether to provide or remove life-sustaining treatment,
as well as who can visit you in the hospital).

If no health care proxy or durable medical power of attorney
exists, your next of kin is empowered to make decisions about your
medical care and who can visit you. Hospitals and medical facilities
have differing policies, but some allow visitation only by next of kin
and "immediate family" (meaning biological relatives). Today, more
health-care institutions have policies that allow same-sex, domestic,
and unmarried partners to visit each other and participate in decision
making. However, these are policies not laws; they are implemented
at the discretion of hospital administrators, who may or may not be supportive of your alternative family You may also sign a Hospital
Visitation Directive to specify individuals (related to you or not) whom
you do or do not want to visit you in the hospital. Each state has slightly
different laws stipulating what decisions a health care proxy can make,
so it's important to get legal advice. You may appoint multiple agents,
but if you do, you must spell out whether each agent can act separately
or if they must all make decisions together.

Most people who appoint a medical proxy also draw up a living will,
a document that outlines what types of medical treatments and life
support you want at the end of your life. This is an important document
that expresses your wishes concerning these life-or-death decisions
and guides your health care proxy in making them.

If you die without a will, everything in your estate-including life
insurance, bank accounts, investments, property-will be left to your
next of kin, defined by the courts as your legal spouse or your closest
living blood relative. By drawing up a will, you can designate who will
manage your estate and to whom your assets will be distributed.

Disposition of Remains is the legal term for what happens to your body
after you die. Oddly, your body does not belong to your estate, as you
might assume. You must designate someone to be in charge of it; otherwise, it is turned over to your next of kin. If you have particular wishes
regarding burial or cremation, or where you want to be buried or have
your ashes spread, you should specify who will be in charge of your
remains.

Attorney Valerie White recommends that multiple partners who want
to raise children together engage in thoughtful planning and consideration. Before a child is born, she says, all the parents should sit down
and write an agreement stating their intentions with regard to custody,
visitation, and support in case the relationship breaks up. You may
want to consult a lawyer or other advisor when creating this document.

"Say there are two men and one woman in a triad. The woman becomes
pregnant, and the three agree that they don't care who the biological
father of the baby is, since they all consider themselves parents. They
have the romantic notion that they don't want to know and don't need
to know," White says. "There are still lots of good reasons-inheritance,
child support, medical issues-to know who the biological father is."'
White recommends that if you and your partners absolutely don't want
to know the paternity, you should have the DNA testing done and
place the sealed results in a safe place, so that the child can access the
information when needed.

The known biological parents of a child are listed on the child's birth
certificate, and the state considers them the legal parents. If an adult
who is not related to a child wants to become her parent (for example,
gay and lesbian parents, stepparents), the adult may adopt the child.
However, no more than two adults can adopt a child, making adoption
not an option for polyamorous and polyfidelitous partners. In a triad,
for example, two partners who are the biological parents may want the
other partner to have custody of the child, equal parental rights, and
the legal right to make medical and other important decisions. In certain states, you may petition the family court to become a co-guardian of the child. In most cases-usually where the legal guardians are incapacitated, incompetent, or die suddenly-someone petitions to be a
co-guardian instead of the legal guardians. In this case, you want to be
a co-guardian in addition to the legal guardians. Procedures differ in
each state and include filing a petition, meeting with a social worker,
and testifying before a judge. Valerie White did this with her two triad
partners: "We told them we were an intentional family of three." It's
rare for a judge to reject an agreement agreed to by both legal parents.

When it comes to disputes over custody, unfortunately, there is no
legal precedent or strong legal support for alternative families, including gay and lesbian families and polyamorous ones. In fact its quite the
opposite: in many custody cases people's open relationships have been
used against them.

Cat, a 38-year-old massage therapist who lives in Oklahoma, lost
custody of her children in part because of her polyamory. She and her
ex-husband were married for 11 years and polyamorous beginning in
the second year. Ten years down the road, he met a woman at work,
they fell in love, and four months later he left Cat. "Then he went completely opposite of everything we had done: he went to monogamy and
Christianity," Cat says. He used what was once also his lifestyle against
her in court. "He basically spent five years trying to win custody of the
kids, and then finally in the last year [he did]. It was based somewhat on
my political activity because I'm a pretty outspoken political radical
here. But also the killing points in my custody case were my open relationships, my relationships with queer people and trans people, and
my willingness to be open and not hide my lifestyle. In Oklahoma, it
was just damning."

Valerie White says, "It's all too frequent, tragic, and sad that a
former spouse decides to sue for custody because he or she believes
that it is just not okay for the kid to live with the polyamorous parent. Sometimes, one parent decides that he or she wants custody and uses
the other parent's lifestyle as a club. Too often people are threatened
with loss of custody" Even if poly parents create an agreement that
covers issues like custody, visitation, and support, White warns, "What
the court sees as the `best interests of the child' can trump anything
that the parents have agreed to."

Other Issues to Consider

Property titles: Some forms of property cannot be titled to more
than two people. For example, in some states, the Department
of Motor Vehicles cannot issue a title for a car in the name of
more than two people-even if there is proof that more than
two people purchased it. In some cases, it's simply because the
computer system is designed to accept a maximum of two names.

Parole and probation: If you are on parole or probation, in many
jurisdictions you must agree "to lead an exemplary life," where
"exemplary" is not specifically defined. Parole and probation
officers, who have a great deal of leeway and power in these
matters, can decide that your having multiple partners is a violation of this condition.

Employment contracts: Many employers require that new
employees sign an employment contract when they're hired.
Some of these agreements contain a so-called morals clause,
which your relationship style may violate. A morals clause usually includes wording such as "The employee shall conduct
himself with due regard to public convention and morals."
While there are no known cases of someone being fired for
being polyamorous, it is possible and absolutely legal.

Emigration and immigration: A man with multiple wives who is
immigrating to the United States from a country where
polygamy is legal cannot legally bring all his wives with him,
because the US bans the practice of polygamy Likewise, if you
live in a poly relationship in the US and one spouse gets a job
in Canada, he or she can emigrate with the legal spouse and
children, but not with other partners or nonlegal spouses.

WHEN THE NEWS BROKE IN 1998 that President Bill Clinton had
had a sexual affair with Monica Lewinsky, some people speculated that
he and his wife, Hillary, had "an agreement." There was proof that Bill
had been sleeping with other women for most of their marriage, and talk
that Hillary not only knew about it, but tolerated the affairs (a theory
that was posited again in several books about the Clintons published
later). Neither one has ever admitted to having any sort of consensual
pact. Some who believe they did used that notion to paint Hillary as a
calculating, power-hungry politician. I was just fascinated that Americans
could be standing around the water cooler considering whether the
President and the First Lady had a deal, an understanding-an open
relationship. Whether they did or they still do, the public will never
know. But the notion that it is even a possibility represents just how
much society's ideas about marriage and monogamy have changed.

Much of the credit for this change must be given to the women's
movement and the GLBT civil rights movement. Feminists and queer
people have been instrumental in challenging "either/or" standards,
gender roles, sexuality taboos, and relationship models. They have also
redefined what it means to be a family In late 2003, nonmonogamy again became a public talking point when the debate over gay marriage
dominated the political landscape. Those in favor of gay marriage
fought to challenge heterosexism and redefine commitment and matrimony Opponents used the issue to strike fear into the hearts of
Americans by linking sanctioned queer coupling with other kinds of
relationships-the polyamorous and the preposterous. The argument
went something like this: If we allow gay people to get married, what will
be next? Three people getting hitched? Someone marrying their dog? It's a
slippery slope. Unfortunately, some gay activists took the bait and vehemently denounced other kinds of alternative relationships.

It's ironic that polyamorous people found themselves left at the
altar by some queers. Both groups are fighting for the same thing: the
recognition of relationships that contradict the dominant model-heterosexual and monogamous. It remains to be seen where the gay
marriage debate will land and what impact it will have for everyone
who isn't "straight" in one way or another. While polyamorous people
have become organized, they-along with others in open relationships-must mobilize, pick up the baton, and run even farther with it.
We have accepted that Heather has two mommies; now it's time to
acknowledge that Heather's mommies may have secondary partners,
lovers, or friends with benefits.

In The Future of Love, Daphne Rose Kingma writes: "Our whole
world of relationships is in an uproar... It's as if we awoke one morning
to discover that a blizzard of transformation occurred during the night."'
Public discussion-spurred by the Clinton sex scandal, the gay marriage
debate, and even HBO's new show about polygamists, Big Lovedemonstrates that nonmonogamy is making its way into the mainstream discourse. The blizzard of transformation continues unabated.

Further proof of this transformation is the 126 people I interviewed
for this book, a fraction of the much larger population who are in consensual nonmonogamous relationships and marriages all over the United
States. They are living examples of a shift in the way we do relationships. Their stories represent the amazing diversity of the people who choose
some form of nonmonogamy and the ways they design their open relationships. In a society where people feel isolated and dissatisfied with
monogamy, where cheating and dishonesty are rampant, nonmonogamous relationships reflect a new strategy-one that is honest and
brave, that strives to bring people together through multipartner relationships, networks, and communities.