Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (40 page)

Its no coincidence that many of the people who are living in open
relationships have defied societal norms in other ways. Confronted with
binary choices such as gay or straight, male or female, husband or wife,
they literally or figuratively choose "other" as they attempt to expand
the definitions. Faced with the cultural dichotomies of friend/lover,
single/married, casual/committed, and faithful/unfaithful, they refuse to
conform. Their courage to be fluid and defy categories is a beacon of
how relationships will continue to change in the 21st century. Let them
inspire you to redefine your relationship(s) on your terms.

I hope Opening Up has given you a look at the inner workings of
modern relationships as well as tools and strategies you can employ in
the care and feeding of your open relationship. I conclude with words
of advice from the folks I interviewed about what it takes to create and
sustain open relationships.

Anything valuable worth holding on to requires a lot of hard work
and some difficult moments. -David

Take it slow, stay patient, be persistent, be willing to listen to
everyone's emotions. Remember it's all about love. -Marissa

It's so important for people to feel that they have freedom to
choose what works best for them instead of having to fall into
somebody else's prescribed pattern. -Cat

Poly has been, for me, a lot about letting go. Letting go of fear of
expectations, of self-imposed limitations. -Barbara

If you're trying to do the right thing in life and by the people you
love and who love you, then you're already ahead of the game.
-Kathleen

I have faith in my primary partner's love. For as long as we remain
confident of each other's essential loyalty and commitment, we
don't suffer anxiety over the possibility of losing what we have
together. -Eli

Truly evaluating yourself and knowing yourself, seeing your
flaws and strengths as objectively as you can muster will help you
understand how to relate to someone else-even multiple people.
That keen self-awareness can inform you of why you make the
choices you do, what patterns have been holding you back, when
you were at your happiest, and why. You can do so much for yourself by just being honest about your mistakes and triumphs-and
once you do, sharing that with someone else is easy and fulfilling.
-Bella

Let your relationships be what they are. Relationships seem to
have their own trajectories, their own needs and wants and expiration dates, their own purposes. Being open to how relationships
grow and shift is very difficult and very necessary. Sometimes a
friend becomes a lover a lover becomes a friend, sometimes the
right person appears at exactly the right time for a specific purpose. (And then, when that purpose is done, sometimes disappears
entirely. Cancer victims often experience this with their "cancer
buddies.) Sometimes the perfect relationship to have with someone is an extravagant dinner and delicious sex-twice a year.
Even if they live around the corner. -Bear

The most fundamental element is a desire for growth for you and
your partner. -Juan

Once you leave the beaten path of a traditional monogamous
relationship, you really are off in the forest where anything is
possible. You are only limited by your imagination. -Owen

1. David P Barash and Judith Eve Lipton, The Myth of Monogamy:
Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People (Henry Holt, 2001),
149.

2. Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz, American Couples: Money,
Work, Sex (William Morrow, 1983), 30.

3. Ibid.

4. US Census Bureau statistics quoted in Barbara Dafoe Whitehead
and David Popenoe, "Social Indicators Of Marital Health and Wellbeing: Trends of the Past Four Decades," The State of Our Unions:
The Social Health of Marriage in America 2005, http://marriage.
rutgers.edu/Publications/SOOU/TEXTSOOU2005.htm.

5. In 1960, the rate was 73.5 per 1,000 unmarried women age 15 and
older; in 2004, the rate was 39.9 per 1,000 unmarried women age
15 and older. The difference is 45.71 percent. US Census Bureau
statistics quoted in Whitehead and Popenoe, "Social Indicators of
Marital Health and Well-being."

6. Joshua R. Goldstein, "The Leveling of Divorce in the United States,"
Demography 36 (1999): 409-414; Andrew Cherlin, Marriage,
Divorce, Remarriage (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press,
1992), cited in David Popenoe, "The Top Ten Myths of Divorce,"
http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/pubtoptenmyths.htm.

7. Samuel S. Janus and Cynthia L. Janus, The Janus Report on Sexual
Behavior (Wiley, 1993), 169, 196. The data reported in the 1993
book was based on research conducted from 1988 to 1992.

8. Jane Weaver, "Many Cheat for a Thrill, More Stay True for Love,"
Today, April 16, 2007, http://todaymsnbc.msn.com/id/17951664.

9. 1 want to acknowledge that I am a part of the media's obsession
with relationship dissatisfaction and I have benefited from that dissatisfaction in some ways. I have taught workshops on improving
sex life, and my sex books are part of the large self-help section
in bookstores.

10. George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman, quoted at http://www
notable-quotes.com/s/shaw_george_bernard.html.

1. Terry Gould, The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers
(Firefly Books, 2000); Liberated Christians, http://www.libchrist.com/
swing/began.html; Wikipedia entry on swinging, http://en.wiki
pedia.org/wiki/Swinging; Curtis Bergstrand and Jennifer Blevins
Williams, "Today's Alternative Marriage Styles: The Case of
Swingers," Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Vol. 3, October
10, 2000, http://www.ejhs.org/volume3/swing/bodyhtm.

2. William Breedlove and Jerrye Breedlove, Swap Clubs: A Study in
Contemporary Sexual Mores (Sherbourne Press, 1964).

3. "The History," Lifestyles Forum, April 9, 2007,
http://www.lifestylesforum.conL/www/wp/?p=7.

4. Gould, The Lifestyle, 76.

5. Carolyn Symonds, "Sexual Mate Swapping: Violation of Norms
and Reconciliation of Guilt," in Studies in the Sociology of Sex,
James M. Henslin, ed. (Appleton-Century-Crofts, 1971), 82-83.

6. Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill, "Open Marriage: The
Conceptual Framework," in Beyond Monogamy: Recent Studies of
Sexual Alternatives in Marriage, James R. Smith and Lynn G.
Smith, eds. (Johns Hopkins University Press, 1974), 62.

7. Larry L. Constantine and Joan M. Constantine, Group Marriage: A
Study of Contemporary Multilateral Marriage (Macmillan, 1973),
28-29.

8. Allan Berube, "The History of Gay Bathhouses," in Policing Public
Sex: Queer Politics and the Future of AIDS Activism, Dangerous
Bedfellows, ed. (Boston: South End Press, 1996), 188.

9. Ibid., 187-220.

10. Gayle Rubin, "The Catacombs: A Temple of the Butthole," in Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice, Mark Thompson, ed.
(Alyson Publications, 1991), 139.

11. Jack Fritscher, "The Catacombs: Fistfucking in a Handball Palace,"
Drummer 23, July 1978, http://wwwjackfritscher.com/Drummer/
Articles/Catacombs. html.

12. Thyme S. Siegel, "Matriarchal Village," in The Lesbian Polyamory
Reader: Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Casual Sex, Marcia
Munson and Judith P Stelboum, eds. (Binghamton, N.Y: Haworth
Press, 1999), 127.

13. Kerista website, http://www.kerista.com/herstoryhtml.

14. Ryam Nearing and Taj Anapol, "Polyamory: A Personal and Historical Retrospective," Loving More no. 32, Winter 2003, 12-15.

15. The Ravenhearts, "Frequently Asked Questions Re: Polyamory,"
http://www.mithrilstar.org/Polyamory-FAQ-Ravenhearts.htm.

16. Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz, American Couples: Money,
Work, Sex (William and Morrow, 1983), 312.

17. Samuel S. Janus and Cynthia L. Janus, The Janus Report on Sexual
Behavior (Wiley, 1993), 184. The data reported in the 1993 book
was based on research conducted from 1988 to 1992.

18. E. H. Page, "Mental Health Services Experiences of Bisexual Women
and Bisexual Men: An Empirical Study," Journal of Bisexuality vol. 3,
issue 3/4 (2004): 137-160, cited in Geri Weitzman, "Therapy with
Clients Who Are Bisexual and Polyamorous," Journal of Bisexuality
vol. 6, issue 1/2 (2006): 137-164.

19. The number of people who responded to the survey was cited on
The Oprah Winfrey Show, episode no 8641, "237 Reasons to Have
Sex," September 25, 2007 (Harpo Productions; ABC). The percentage
was reported on the Oprah.com website, http://www2.oprah.com/
relationships/sex/relationships-sex-284-112. j html.

1. David P Barash and Judith Eve Lipton, The Myth of Monogamy:
Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People (Henry Holt, 2001), 1.

2. Ibid., 11.

3. Brooke Adams, "Fundamentalists: Most Espouse Polygamy as a
Tenet, but Fewer Actually Practice It as Their Lifestyle," Salt Lake
Tribune, August 11, 2005.

4. S. A. Peabody, "Alternative Life Styles to Monogamous Marriage:
Variants of Normal Behavior in Psychotherapy Clients," Family
Relations 31 (1982): 425-434, and A. M. Rubin, "Sexually Open
Versus Sexually Exclusive Marriage: A Comparison of Dyadic Adjustment," Alternative Lifestyles 5 (1982): 101-106, cited in Geri D.
Weitzman, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know About
Polyamory," www.polyamoryorgl-joe/polypaper.htm, March 1999.

5. Peabody, "Alternative Life Styles to Monogamous Marriage," cited
in Weitzman, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know About
Polyamory."

1. Steve Curwood, "The Chemistry of Love," interview with Helen
Fisher, February 3, 2006, http://www.loe.org/shows/segments.htm?
programID=06-P 13-00005 &segmentID=7.

2. John Caldwell, "Gay Men, Straight Lives," Advocate, October 12, 2004.

3. Amity Pierce Buxton, The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out
Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families (Wiley, 1994), cited in
Caldwell, "Gay Men, Straight Lives."

4. Buxton, "Works in Progress: How Mixed-Orientation Couples
Maintain their Marriages after the Wives Come Out," Journal of
Bisexuality vol. 4, no. 1/2 (2004): 79.

1. Personal interview with Anita Wagner, August 6, 2007.

2. PuddleDancer Press website, http://www.nonviolentcommunication.
com/aboutnvc/aboutnvc.htm.

3. Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of
Life, 2nd ed. (Encinitas, Calif.: PuddleDancer Press, 2003).

4. Brad Blanton, Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling
the Truth (Stanley, Va.: Sparrowhawk Publications, 2003), 63.

5. Personal interview with Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, July
27, 2007.

6. Ibid.

7. Ronald Mazur, The New Intimacy: Open-Ended Marriage and Alternative Lifestyles, 2nd ed. (Lincoln, Neb.: iUniverse, 2000), 17.

8. Interview with Wagner, August 6, 2007.

1. Patti Thomas, Recreational Sex: An Insider's Guide to the Swinging
Lifestyle (Cleveland: Peppermint Publishing Company, 2002), 14.

2. Terry Gould, The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers
(Firefly Books, 2000), 10-11.

L Daphne Rose Kingma, The Future of Love: The Power of the Soul in
Intimate Relationships (Broadway Books, 1998), 38.

2. Sarah Sloane, "Polyamory for Non-Primary Partners" workshop,
Dark Odyssey, Washington, DC, December 2005.

3. Kingma, The Future of Love, 33.

4. Ibid., 147.

1. Although a V triad that includes both sexes is technically either
polygyny or polyandry, those terms are more often used by academics, rarely by polyamorous people themselves.

2. All these terms except pod were used by the people I interviewed.
Pod was coined by Dr. Sasha Lessin and Janet Lessin to describe
their multiperson polyamorous group (whose members were
known as podners), and the term has gained some use and popularity in recent years among groups on the West Coast and in Hawaii.

3. Raven Kaldera, Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts
(Woodbury, Minn.: Llewellyn, 2005), 16.

4. Larry L. Constantine and Joan M. Constantine, Group Marriage: A
Study of Contemporary Multilateral Marriage (Macmillan, 1973), 128.

5. Kaldera, Pagan Polyamory, 8.

6. E. S. Craighill Handy and Mary Kawena Pukui, cited in Deborah
Taj-Anapol, "A Glimpse of Harmony," Plural Loves: Designs for Bi
and Poly Living, Serena Anderlini-D'Onofrio, ed. (Harrington Park
Press, 2004), 115.

1. Pansexual (also: polysexual, omnisexual): attraction to, having sex
with, loving, and forming relationships with people of all genders.
The term is also used to describe organizations or events that welcome people of all sexual orientations.

2. Gender activists promote the use of ze as the alternative for "he"
and "she" and hir as the alternative for "him" and "her," "his" and
"hers."

1. David P Barash and Judith Eve Lipton, The Myth of Monogamy:
Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People (Henry Holt, 2001),
134.

2. Alison Rowan, "How to Be Not Monogamous," Breaking the Barriers
to Desire: New Approaches to Multiple Relationships, Kevin Lano and
Claire Parry, eds. (Five Leaves Publications, 1995), 17.

3. Raven Kaldera, Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts
(Woodbury, Minn.: Llewellyn, 2005), 41.

1. "Compersion," Urban Dictionary, http://www.urbandictionary.com/
define.php?term=compersion.

2. "Compersion," Polyamory Society, http://www.polyamorysociety.org/
compersion.html.

3. "Compersion," Poly Oz,
http://polyoz.dhs.org/component/option,com-rd-glossary/task,s
howcat/catid,37/Itemid,41/.

4. Raven Kaldera, Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts (Woodbury, Minn.: Llewellyn, 2005), 77.

5. Serena Anderlini-D'Onofrio, "Plural Loves: Bi and Poly Utopias
for a New Millennium," in Plural Loves: Designs for Bi and Poly
Living, Serena Anderlini-D'Onofrio, ed. (Harrington Park Press,
2004), 4.