Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (16 page)

Shawn is involved with Daria and Audrey in a V triad. Before
Daria, Shawn and Audrey agreed that they could do anything "up to
penetration with a penis" with other partners. When Dana entered
the picture, she wasn't comfortable with that agreement, so Shawn agreed to limit his sexual activities to "making out and fondling" only.
Shawn says, "You play to the level of the least comfortable person, if
you want to keep everybody happy"

While the members of many triads, quads, and other polyfidelitous
groups consider themselves all married to each other, legally they are
not. In fact, in the majority of the triads I interviewed, two members
are legally married. In some cases, they held a separate ceremony to
acknowledge and celebrate the third member and the triad. When
Owen and Carlie got married, their triad partner, Alexis, was the maid
of honor. The night before the wedding, the three held a ceremony
with Alexis's parents in which Owen and Carlie presented Alexis with
a ring. "Owen and I thought it was really important to demonstrate
our commitment to her parents, especially since they were coming to
the wedding," Carlie says. "I wanted to demonstrate that I'm serious
about Alexis and it's not just a phase I'm going through. I'm not just
getting married and having someone on the side. I'm really committed
to Alexis. I love Alexis and take this very seriously I didn't want her
family to think otherwise."

A ceremony such as this is an important ritual for honoring
partners' commitment to each other; however, their relationship is not
legally recognized or rewarded. One partner (or more) in a polyfidelitous relationship is often left without health care benefits, spousal
rights, or custody of children. George says, "Society isn't set up for us,
so things like medical benefits and legal partner rights that don't extend
to a third person make things difficult. We still have to deal with
making provisions for Penny having legal rights to the kids, if, god
forbid, something were to happen to Emma and me." Polyfidelitous
partners must create legal agreements to protect certain aspects of their
relationships. (For more on this subject, see Chapter 19, Legal and
Practical Issues.)

In addition to lacking legal recognition, often a polyfidelitous group
is not recognized by parents, friends, or the community. Sometimes,
two people in a triad or one couple in a fivesome are acknowledged
and others are thought to be friends or housemates. This can be stressful, alienating, and difficult. For more on dealing with the outside
world, see Chapter 16, Coming Out (or Not), Finding Community,
Creating Families.

PROFILE: LEWIS, TURNER, AND IVAN

"We consider ourselves a `trilationship' with three equal sides."

LEWIS, 50, TURNER, 37, AND IVAN, 37, are white, well-educated gay
men. One works in telecommunications, one works for the government,
and one is a professor; they are all active in political organizations.
They live together as a triad in upstate New York.

Lewis and Turner first connected during an anonymous erotic
encounter at an adult bookstore; several years later, they met again and
began dating. They have been together for 10 years. Their relationship
was monogamous at first, though they were open to lots of flirting with
other men. Eventually, they began having casual sex with others
(always as a couple). At around the eight-year mark, both had been
traveling separately a lot for work and they agreed that each could
hook up with others on his own.

About a year and a half ago, Turner attended a conference where
he met Ivan. The two connected immediately When Turner came home,
he told Lewis about Ivan. "I said to Lewis-and this is the first time
I ever used these words-`Something about my emotional connection
to Ivan makes me feel like I'm cheating. I don't know what this means,
but I don't want to lose Ivan as a part of my life.' Lewis's first reaction was: tricks and fun with other people was one thing, but having an
important relationship on the side was not going to happen. That was
not part of our makeup, that was not part of where we were." The concept of a poly relationship was completely new to Ivan, and he wasn't
sure about it. Turner asked Lewis to start communicating with Ivan to
get to know him. Lewis agreed, and he and Ivan began communicating by telephone, via email, and in virtual face-to-face sessions with a
webcam; they began to really like each other.

Lewis told Ivan that he was starting to develop strong feelings for
him. He said, "Because I am enough years older than you and Turner,
I expect you to be around to take care of Turner when I'm gone." Ivan
replied, "What makes you think that you're going to go first? It could
be you and I." Lewis says, "He said it in such a way that I knew he
meant that it didn't matter to him which one of us he ended up with,
because he was learning to make a commitment to both of us as we
were willing to make a commitment to him." He adds, with sarcasm,
"So that's when I realized that he was worthy of my love."

About that time, Lewis and Turner confessed to a friend that they
had a boyfriend. Lewis and Ivan still had not met. "That's just another
piece of unconventionality that the rest of the world never really gets.
How can you develop feelings for someone that you've never physically met? But we were spending, on some evenings and on weekends,
six and seven hours talking to each other," Turner says. The next
month, Ivan came to visit. He and Lewis hit it off. They immediately
discussed the possibility of Ivan moving to New York from Iowa. Lewis
and Turner began to tell their friends, who assumed the arrangement
was all about having lots of sex.

The trio realized that they wanted to be clear with each other and
other people that they were three equal partners, not Lewis and Turner
and their plaything. They continued to date for a year as Ivan began
applying for jobs in New York. When he was offered a position, he
moved east to live with Lewis and Turner.

"I think that one of my biggest mistakes when Ivan first moved
here was trying to micromanage the relationship [between him and
Lewis]," Turner says. "Even though for a year it was fine ...I think subconsciously I felt I needed to hold it together. That has more to do with
my neurosis and my family background." In addition to the hardship
of relocating, Ivan must deal with being the new guy, since Turner and
Lewis are such an established couple in their community. When Turner
explained it to his mom, "She went through a period of worrying
whether this was a threat to my relationship with Lewis; she just didn't
understand it. I tried the whole intellectual route. I told her, `Honestly,
everyone loves more than one person and people often lie about that.
We're just not lying about it'... She moved from `1 don't really understand' to `Okay, I'm putting him on the Christmas list. What does he
want?"'

A COUPLE MAY CHOOSE to adopt a hybrid style of open relationship,
in which one partner is monogamous and the other is nonmonogamous. This occurs more often than you might think, yet it is one of the
least talked about and most misunderstood styles. A mono/nonmono
or mono/poly combination style could be as straightforward as a monogamous person getting into a relationship with a nonmonogamous one,
where both partners know from the beginning that one wants additional partners and the other doesn't. Some relationships begin with
both partners monogamous or both nonmonogamous and transform
into a combo when the desires and needs of one partner change. As in
other kinds of nonmonogamy, a significant difference between partners sometimes needs to be addressed; in this style, one partner is
content to remain monogamous while the other has additional partners
for sex, relationships, or both.

I know a female couple, Jane and Dory, who were together for 10
years. About a year into the relationship, Jane discovered she was
interested in BDSM, but Dory was not. After lots of discussion, Dory
told Jane she could explore BDSM with other people. Jane became
involved with a woman who lived in a different state who became her
Daddy, and they saw each other about every six weeks. Jane explained
to me that BDSM was something she needed and it was very important, but it was the only area where she and Dory were incompatible.
It wasn't something she wanted to lose Dory over. Jane got what she
needed by spending intermittent weekends with her Daddy, but her
primary commitment was to Dory

A difference in sex drives is a common source of conflict in couples and one that can break up a relationship; however, it can also be
an opportunity to shift one's expectations and negotiate a structure that
works for both partners. If a low-libido partner meets the majority of
the needs within the relationship except the sexual ones, a high-libido
partner can seek sex outside the relationship to fulfill those needs.
Similarly, celibacy can be a temporary or long-term choice in response
to specific circumstances, such as serious physical or mental illness,
injury, or depression, or simply as a personal choice. Many couples
remain together even when both partners lose interest in sex. Unlike
many therapists, self-help books, and even poly advocates, I believe
that a relationship doesn't need to have an ongoing sexual component
for it to be significant, committed, and viable. But what happens when
one partner wants to remain sexual and the other doesn't? If one partner chooses celibacy and the other does not, then they can negotiate a
combo style.

Hannah and Chiyo's mutual desire for BDSM and nonmonogamy
brought them together. After nearly seven years, Hannah's interest in
BDSM began to wane. She got more serious about martial arts, which
consumed more of her time and filled her need for some of the intense
physical activity she got from BDSM. In addition, she began experiencing menopause and she says her sex drive "went in the toilet." Gradually,
she and Chiyo began to have discussions about their changing needs
and desires, which led them to negotiate a mono/poly combination
style with a few rules: no kissing other people, no sexual play with
anyone else in their bedroom, safer sex, and Hannah would have veto
power over potential new partners. They still have sex occasionally, but
Chiyo's primary sexual relationships are with her two other partners,
who are her Dominants.

"Hannah knows that I love her deeply and am committed to her.
She also knows that I need, and I'm devoted to, my D/s relationships,"
Chiyo says. Hannah says she rarely gets jealous: "Our relationship is so
strong that we've defined our primary relationship together and we feel
so comfortable with each other. It's been that way all along. We've said
all along we're primary to each other and nothing gets in the way
of that... We've respected that this whole time and never lied to each
other about anything. So I feel okay with it. At times I've grown jealous of the amount of time she spends with these people, but we work
through that." She believes that trust is the key to their open relationship: "If you have doubts about what your partner is doing, then it'll
never feel safe."

When one member of a heterosexual married couple comes out
as gay or lesbian and the spouses stay together, they may or may not
continue to be sexual. Some mixed-orientation spouses agree that the
gay/lesbian spouse can pursue sex or relationships with same-gender
partners while the straight spouse remains monogamous.

This style can work for you if:

• one partner wants sex with others, and the other doesn't

• one partner wants additional partners, and the other doesn't

• you want to accommodate some sexual difference or incompatibility by opening up the relationship, but one partner is
content to remain monogamous

Examples of mono/nonmono combos

Bisexual and not bisexual: the bisexual partner has sexual or
relationship partners of a different gender than the primary
partner

Straight and gay/lesbian: the gay or lesbian partner has samegender partners

Disabled and not disabled: the nondisabled partner explores sex
or BDSM that the disabled partner has no interest in or cannot
engage in as a result of the disability

Low libido and high libido: the partner with the high libido has
additional sex partners

Kinky and nonkinky: the kinky partner has other partners
specifically for BDSM play

Sexual and celibate: the sexual partner pursues sex with other
people

Consent is a crucial component of open relationships and must be
made especially clear in monogamous/nonmonogamous combinations. The mono/nonmono structure is not a case of one partner getting
"more" than the other, as it may appear on the surface. The monogamous partner should never feel pressured or coerced to accept the
nonmonogamous partner's terms. Nor should she agree to this style
out of fear of being rejected or abandoned. It can only work if the
monogamous partner truly has no interest in additional sex or relationships-there is no place for martyrs in any kind of nonmonogamy If a couple chooses this style to address some issue of incompatibility in
the relationship, it must be approached as a solution that works for
both partners. There must be a dialogue where both partners have
input about the limits, boundaries, and rules. Both people-but especially the monogamous partner-need to be clear and confident about
the relationship choice and must see it as a choice.