Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (14 page)

An individual who is a primary partner to one person and a nonprimary partner to another has the opportunity to experience what
both kinds of relationships have to offer, and they can fall back on one
partner for support when something goes awry with the other.
However, solos must consciously create a support system for themselves that is not partner-based. Again, the solo model flies in the face
of our couples-centric culture, but there are plenty of people doing it
and making it work.

If you are in a relationship with a partnered couple, you may feel that
you have been put in the middle of an unhealthy dynamic. Sometimes,
couples consciously or unconsciously use a third person as a buffer
between them. Do not allow yourself to become an indirect communication device for a twosome, a constant conflict mediator, or a tool to
make one partner jealous. If you find that each of them comes to you
often to talk about the other, or you get contradictory information from
them, consider it a warning that you've been sucked into a couple's
drama. You can also feel that you have been put in the middle of a relationship even if you're only involved with one member of a couple-for
example, if you spend a lot of time processing their other relationship.
All relationships that share a partner are interconnected, and what happens in one can affect the others in many ways. As a solo, do not allow
yourself to be put in the middle. Be clear with each of your partners
about how you share information, focus on the relationship between
just the two of you, and don't become part of any drama-filled love/lust
triangles.

Because society assumes that you're either in a couple or actively looking to be in one, a solo person bucks the system; add your commitment to polyamory and you're double trouble. While suspicion of single
bachelors and derision of old maids are no longer as prevalent as they
were in the 20th century, adults who are not in a relationship are often
discriminated against in both subtle and overt ways. Holidays, religious
ceremonies, hotel and vacation packages, weddings, social events,
restaurant seating, two-for-one deals-are all geared toward couples.
Stereotypes about nonpartnered people abound: you're promiscuous;
you're selfish and immature; you're emotionally challenged; you're
afraid of intimacy and commitment; you're unwilling to "finally settle
down." From movies to self-help books, the message is clear: there is
something wrong with you if you are not part of a couple.

It's difficult for people constantly bombarded with these messages
to go against the grain and do what works for them. Many solo people
face insecurity, doubt, and self-judgment, all difficult to cope with
when there is not a lot of support for their chosen relationship style.
You have to tune out the endless propaganda and take pride in
knowing who you are and what works for you.

There's this part of me that's still dealing with that "as a woman
you're not complete unless you have somebody" cultural thing. It
takes a while to come face to face with the way you were raised
and the unspoken stories you were told about what life was.

-Kathleen

Just as single people in society generally lack support and understanding, solo polyfolk are often underrepresented in writing about
polyamory. Although people who practice open relationships challenge
the myth of monogamy and redefine relationships, many community resources are aimed at people who want some kind of primary relationship. During my research, in fact, some solos criticized my interview
questions for being geared toward partnered people. The culture of
coupledom has seeped into our consciousness and become so pervasive that even people whose relationships challenge monogamy
assume that most people want a primary relationship. Whether you
choose to practice solo polyamory for a short time or as a dedicated
lifestyle, it has its benefits and challenges, just like other styles of open
relationships. Be prepared to forge your own path as you shatter myths
not only about monogamy, but also about couplehood.

PROFILE: NICOLE

"Each relationship has a very sexual component,
so when we can get together it's a sexual thrill."

NICOLE IS A 46-YEAR-OLD BISEXUAL WOMAN, a self-employed
consultant currently pursuing her PhD, who lives in northern Virginia.
Nicole's first marriage lasted only six months. She was married to her
second husband for 20 years; they have two children together, 14 and
17. When her second marriage ended, she did some serious soul
searching: "When I sat down and analyzed all my relationships, even
from high school, I [realized that I] always got in trouble with
whomever I was dating because I would be friends with other men. I
would think of the other men as my buddies-it wasn't like I was
sleeping with them or anything. But the person I was dating was
always jealous, jealous, jealous." Yet her jealous boyfriends would end
up cheating on her.

After years of unsatisfying monogamy, she decided she wanted
a change. Four years ago, she got involved with a divorced man: "We
actually sat down early in our relationship and brainstormed the ideal relationship style. We had no idea what polyamory was, we had
no idea what swinging was. We decided that we would start out with
what was traditionally considered a swinging relationship. Then, as we
got more comfortable, [we'd] work our way into more of a poly type
[of relationship]. We dreamed all this up and said, `We've figured this
out, let's go about it.' Well, unfortunately I went about it the way
we'd agreed, but he did not. It took me about four years to see that
he was using poly as a front for cheating."

Today, she identifies herself as polyamorous and currently has
relationships with six people; the newest one has been going on for
only two months, and the oldest for two and a half years. "I've started
each relationship by having a chat with the [person's] primary, to say,
I'm not here to steal your man. I just want to have a friend, an intimate
friend... I just want a community I can be with, I can have dinner with,
I can talk to without having to hide what it is I do. I want family, I want
friends, I want lovers. I don't want a husband. I don't want to take him
away from you. Right now, my relationships are working wonderfully
I think this is because we have no demands on each other. We enjoy
the time we have together, and we get together when time allows. I
respect their primary relationships, and they don't get possessive or
upset about any of my relationships. Each of the relationships has a
very sexual component, so when we can get together it's a sexual thrill."

For Nicole, the only downside is feeling lonely at times without a
daily companion: "I don't have anyone to sleep with every night or cry
on their shoulder or tell the joys of the day, and that's really a lot of
human bonding. I'm used to having that and I don't have it right now,
and that's tough. I do get that bonding when I can get my secondary
partner's ear for a little bit. But I don't want to be whiny and moany
I want support, but I don't want them to think I'm needy. They have
their own primaries, so they get all of that stuff from them."

THE TERM POLYFIDELITY was coined to describe the relationship
structure of the Kerista Commune, a San Francisco community with
between six and 30 members during its 20-year existence from 1971
to 1991. Modern polyfidelity describes a multipartner group of three
or more people who have made a commitment to each other to be in
a primary relationship. Although the number of partners varies, the
most common polyfidelitous relationships have three, four, or five
partners-a group rarely has more than six. Groups larger than that
usually consider themselves a family, tribe, or network whose members
are interrelated but do not form a single relationship unit.

You might choose polyfidelity if:

• you want multiple intimate and significant relationships and
have the capacity to love more than one person at a time

• you have several partners who want to form a committed group

• you're part of a couple and want to form a committed relationship with one or more others or another couple

• you are committed to the members of a relationship unit and
have no desire for relationships outside the unit

• you are committed to the members of a relationship unit but
you also desire relationships outside the unit

Polyfidelitous groups often, but not always, live together, and they
may do things that many committed couples do: they are fluidbonded, make important decisions together, share resources, raise
children, and otherwise behave as a family unit. All of the members are
committed to each other and to the group as their primary relationship.

Owen and Carlie were together for two and a half years when
Carlie discovered she was bisexual and wanted to explore her attraction to women. Owen was supportive: "At first, we just thought we'd
be swingers because we didn't have any intention of having another
primary partner. We hadn't even thought about that." They met and
began a sexual relationship with Alexis, which turned into something
deeper. Alexis, their triad partner of two years, says, "I never expected
this. I don't even really consider myself to be polyamorous. I just happened to fall in love with a couple."

Ivan, Turner, and Lewis, three gay men, live together as a triad in
upstate New York. Turner and Lewis were in a nonmonogamous relationship for nine years, and they have been with Ivan for over a year.
Turner says: "I consider there to be four distinct relationships: 1) me
and Ivan, 2) me and Lewis, 3) Ivan and Lewis, and 4) the three of us.
If I had to identify one as primary, it would be the 'trilationship'
between the three of us because our interdependence guides our
approach, decisions and success." The most difficult part for Ivan is
telling other people: "It's a challenge to explain our life to others.
Sometimes this is a matter of career safety and sometimes it is more of
a lack of understanding of what we are. Many assume that we're two
plus one' or a `couple and their boy'-not the three equals sharing one
life and one bed that we are."

In a triad such as Ivan's, all members have a sexual relationship
with each other. In other polyfidelitous groups, some members may not have sex or a romantic relationship with all other membersfor example, in a V triad where a woman has two husbands or a man
has two wives. However, the two "tips" of a V triad often consider
themselves significant others and co-spouses.

Some larger multipartner groups are made up of a combination of
preexisting couples and singles. The bigger a group becomes, the less
likely it is they all cohabit. Usually, not all members of a large multipartner group are sexual with each other, and each person may have a
different level of connection and intimacy with other members of the
group.

Brett is a 72-year-old retired aerospace engineer from California
who teaches college. He is part of a five-person W that includes his
wife, Vicki, his wife's partner/his co-husband Mark, Mark's wife, Mary,
and Mary's partner Ross. Brett describes the genesis of the W: "We
had known Mark and Mary for several years, professionally and personally, through the Unitarian Universalist church and the university.
Mary asked my wife one day about open relationships and the gals
had a lunch talk. We were invited for dinner, and I told my wife that
I expected the evening to be fun, but she doubted me. I was rightwe all played together in the hot tub and the bedroom. My wife and
Mark became deeply enmeshed immediately; she had known and
liked him for years, so this was a perfect relationship for them. They
are matched in sex drive and many other interests. He has become my
best male friend. Mary immediately told Ross, a friend of hers, she
was no longer monogamous, and they became lovers. Over the seven
years, we have become one lovely family, sharing beds, dinners, vacation time-shares, cars, and lovers." The five don't live together but
they spend a significant amount of time together: "My wife is clearly
primary, we share lives fully, live together, share all financial assets,
etc. I call her my custodial spouse," Brett says. "Mark spends three
nights a week in our bed and four nights at his home with Mary" The
five are fluid-bonded with each other, but rarely all have sex together.

There are many benefits of multipartner poly groups. Being involved
with more than one partner gives members more ways to express
themselves and have their needs met. This leads to greater satisfaction
and fulfillment in their relationships. "We all have strengths and weaknesses, and we can work collaboratively to reinforce once another.
Additionally, it provides `built in' variety sexually," Ivan says.