Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (17 page)

As with all kinds of open relationships, mono/poly and mono/
nonmono relationships require agreements between the partners as
well as a commitment to the relationship. The connection between the
two of you-emotional, romantic, affectionate, sexual-must be nurtured as you embark on this new style. Likewise, your commitment to
one another must be articulated, reinforced, honored, and respected.

As part of your negotiation, you should make an agreement about
rules. For example, Coraline has two boyfriends, five lovers, and two
BDSM play partners. One partner, Tom, is monogamous with her. So
there are some rules with him: "We don't have sex if I've had sex with
someone else in the past 24 hours. I don't have anal sex with anyone
but him." Lynn has a less specific agreement with her monogamous
partner: "I don't tell my girlfriend about the details of my interactions
with other people unless she asks, and in return she doesn't expect that
I set boundaries as to what I do with other people aside from expecting that I use common sense to ensure my safety, in both a physical
and an emotional sense."

One potential issue for the nonmonogamous partner in this style is
feeling guilty. Barbara has been with her partner for seven years; their
relationship began as polyamorous, but for the past year and a half her
partner has chosen to be monogamous. Barbara says, "About 10 months ago, I decided that I was no longer scared of monogamy, and didn't
believe that it would `make me crazy' l embarked on a six-month commitment to monogamy... I decided that, while monogamy was nothing
to fear, I didn't like it much, either." After her experiment with monogamy, Barbara returned to being polyamorous, but felt some guilt, which
she had to deal with. "I had quite a lot of fear... The way I've been able
to grapple with that is to say, well, I have to figure out what I want and
then decide how to approach doing that. [I have to be] really careful
not to just limit my own imagination and my own possibilities because
somebody else is making a choice. They're making it for good reasons
and for healthy reasons that I really support. My support doesn't mean
giving up myself. I think a lot of people do that in relationships. They
give up things that nobody asks them to give up; they just do it
because it seems that's what you're supposed to do."

I think women who are nonmonogamous with a monogamous
partner particularly struggle with guilt because they're unsure of themselves, feel as if they don't "deserve" to get everything they want, or
believe they are somehow getting "more" than their monogamous
partners. If you feel guilty about your choices, remember that your
partner has agreed to them and the point is that the style works for
both of you.

Jealousy and resentment can occur in any relationship; in situations
where both partners are nonmonogamous, these feelings can be mitigated by the fact that both people have other partners and get to
experience both sides of jealousy In a style where both partners are
nonmonogamous, if you feel jealous that your partner is out of town
with his other partner for the weekend, you know how he must have
felt when you went on a trip for three days with your friend with benefits. In a mono/nonmono combo, jealous feelings can be lopsided. In
these cases, both partners need to work on them. The monogamous partner should work on feeling secure, appreciate solitude, and have a
solid support system. The nonmonogamous partner should make time
for his partner and take care to reassure her.

Gaining the support of your loved ones is an issue all people in open
relationships must deal with. However, it can be especially tricky for
people who practice a hybrid style. First, even someone who is supportive of open relationships may not understand this particular style.
If you say, "My partner and I are exploring sex with other people," supportive folks may get the general concept. But if you say, "My partner
is having sex [or relationships] with other people and I am not," you're
liable to get a few raised eyebrows. Many people believe strongly that
relationships should strive for equality, everyone giving and getting
equal amounts of time, love, and attention. If this is the prevailing
ideal, people cannot fathom how mono/poly could ever be fulfilling.
It's the "You can't have your cake and eat it too" mentality. Even within
polyamorous communities, some people see a monogamous/nonmonogamous pairing as inherently unfair.

Mono/nonmono combos are criticized on several fronts. Here is
some of the criticism you may hear: The monogamous person is being
taken advantage of, used, and abused. The nonmonogamous person
wouldn't be doing this if she really loved the monogamous person.
Monogamous people and nonmonogamous people are too fundamentally different to have a relationship; you should have the same values
and ideas about relationships, otherwise it's a deal breaker. This is just
like polygamy, where a husband has multiple wives but a wife only has
one husband-it's sexist, patriarchal, and coercive. It's not fair.

Barbara faced criticism from others as well as her internalized
self-judgment: "One thing that I really enjoyed about poly was that it
was very egalitarian... Now it feels a little bit like I question myself,
what's given to me, and think that I now owe somebody. It's really fighting off those cultural assumptions. When somebody would ask
me, `What is this polyamory?' I'd be able to explain it. Then they
would ask, `Well, what about your boyfriend?' I'd say, `Oh, he's not
doing that [he's monogamous].' Then come the reactions: `Well, why
are you? What's wrong with you? What is it about you that you can't
have a similar relationship?' I've been surprised to have those negative
things creep in."

People negotiate and structure their relationships in unique ways.
No one who is outside a relationship can judge what works inside it;
we shouldn't invalidate other people's choices simply because they
look different from our own. Open relationships are ultimately about
choosing a relationship style that meets our needs; all styles are valid
and valuable. If this style works for you, embrace it.

PROFILE: VIOLET AND RON

"I'd much rather have a happy, fulfilled lover
than a frustrated, resentful one."

RON, A 57-YEAR-OLD POLYAMOROUS MAN, is in a relationship
with 49-year-old Violet, who is monogamous. They live in New York
City, consider themselves "naturally introverted people," and have
been partners for almost 10 years.

When Ron told Violet soon after they met that he was
polyamorous, her first reaction was: "I meet this really interesting guy
and now I can't go out with him because he won't be monogamous."
While Violet understood the concept, she didn't have an interest in
exploring polyamory herself: "For me having a significant relationship
takes so much energy and time that I don't know how he does it. I
need a lot of time to myself." They discussed it further, and she realized that "this makes a lot of sense and even though it's not for me, I liked him enough to want to keep going with it even though I was
really scared. I didn't know how I would handle feelings of jealousy"

They agreed that he would maintain his current relationships but
not seek out any new ones for a period of time. At first, Violet didn't
want to know any details about his other relationships. Ron thought
this was like lying by omission; it had an air of dishonesty and cheating. About four years into the relationship, Violet became more
comfortable with hearing more about his other partners: "I know that
[Ron wasn't] happy with the `don't ask/don't tell,' but I needed it at the
time; it worked for me. And we've evolved beyond that."

Violet had a big breakthrough after meeting one of Ron's other
partners, Sherry Sherry insisted that she meet Violet to make sure
Violet consented to Ron having other partners. "She let me know that
it was okay to feel triggered by things. There was one incident where I
was triggered and I didn't think I could tell [Ron] ... I always thought,
Oh, I made this agreement now, so I have to bear everything. And she
let me know that even poly people get jealous." Being allowed to feel
jealous relieved a huge burden for Violet: "I need to be constantly vigilant to head off feelings of insecurity and jealousy But this has the
positive effect of forcing me to be in touch with how I feel, which has
always been a problem for me... As I've become more secure in this
relationship, feelings of jealousy have become nearly nonexistent."

Both tell a story about how their communication has deepened
over the years. They had spent the night together and Ron was leaving
to see his other partner. Violet said to him, "I haven't had enough of
you this weekend." She says, "It took me a while to realize I could say
things like that to him and not have him take it as, Oh, she wants me
to stay, or something like that." For Ron, it was an important moment:
"She wasn't trying to get me to stay, she wasn't trying to make me feel
better, it was just a statement. And I remember how good I felt at the
time... It wasn't that I needed Violet to have more, it was just that it
was such a clean way of expressing what was the truth."

"Being poly makes it easier for me to have all sorts of relationships, sexual or otherwise, because there is no predetermined limit on
any relationship I might have," Ron says. Violet concurs. "We are both
very autonomous people, and his polyamory gives me a feeling of freedom. Plus, it makes my lover happy, and I'd much rather have a happy,
fulfilled lover than a frustrated, resentful one." She says the most difficult thing is explaining their relationship to other people. "It just takes
too much energy to explain to people so they'll understand that I'm not
being used, abused, or cheated on." Ron adds: "In every relationship
I had before, [as soon as it began] I was looking for the exits. But in
Violet's case I'm not looking for the exits-probably because [she's] not
blocking them." Violet says Ron gives her the one thing she needs most,
which, until she met him, she believed could only come with monogamy:
"My partner is very aware that I need to feel that I'm special to him,
and he's great at letting me know that he loves and wants me."

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT requirements of an open relationship
is that it be custom-tailored to the specific desires of the people involved.
In this chapter, we'll explore what you need to bring your ideal open
relationship to life, with exercises to help get you started as you draw
the outline and fill in the details, then negotiate the design with your
partner(s) and create rules, agreements, and a relationship contract.

The style and structure of your relationship should reflect your personal
values, philosophies, needs, desires, goals, and commitments. Before
you think about all the specific details, decide first what the basic outline
of your relationship looks like. Don't censor yourself: if you could have
anything you wanted, what would it be? Do you want one committed
partner with occasional sex mates? Multiple partners with whom you
share sex, love, and romance? A network of sex buddies, but no serious relationship with anyone? A husband and a wife? Two husbands
and a boyfriend? A BDSM play partner, a domestic partner, and a
friend with benefits? Which of the styles in the previous chapters appeal to you, and why? Consider these statements and note the ones
that resonate with you:

• I like the idea of sex with various people but having only one
partner.

• I am committed to my partner, but I want to do BDSM with
other people.

• I need to share an emotional connection with anyone I have a
sexual relationship with.

• I can see myself committed/partnered/married to more than
one person.

• I am open to the following elements in my relationships: sex,
BDSM play, emotional connection, friendship, dating, romance,
love, and commitment.

• I'm single and like to date a lot of people, but I don't want a
serious partner.

• I would never want to live with a partner.

• Being in a relationship is not a high priority for me.

• If I found the right person, I could be in a committed relationship.

• I dislike the idea of hierarchy in relationships, with one partner
primary and another secondary.

• I like each of my relationships to be clearly defined.

• I want to be someone's "number one" and vice versa.

Life is all about the details, and so is a successful open relationship. The
following are some of the aspects you may want to think about as you
design your open relationship, broken down into four categories:
who (all about potential partners), what (activities and the nature of
relationships), when (frequency and duration), and where (geography
and logistics).