Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (19 page)

As an extension of this style, you can create some form of role
exclusivity within your nonmonogamy. Role exclusivity can help
people feel that they know exactly where they stand and potentially
mitigate some kinds of jealousy For example, as a Dominant, Jimmy
has a boy, Jay Jimmy may play with other submissives and even other
boys, but no one else is his boy This in turn gives Jay a sense of security about his specific, special place in Jimmy's life. As Jimmy says:

I've found that by defining the relationships in some way distinct
from other relationships, there's a greater sense of safety and
comfort. Jay as my boy is the boy, the only boy. There are times
when other people serve me, there are times when other people do
any of the things that he does for me, but they aren't mine. I am
committed to not having another boy, and he's committed to not
having another sir.

My primary and I had a kinky relationship, a Daddy/girl bond.
We agreed that while other men could top me, no one else could
be my Daddy. -Barbara

Similarly some people who switch between top and bottom
negotiate that when they play with others they can assume a role different from their usual role with their primary partner. For instance,
let's say you have a BDSM relationship with your partner. You are the
Top and she is the bottom. You've agreed that when you play with
others, you can bottom to them. Your partner is comfortable when you play with others because it doesn't call into question her role as "your
bottom"; she doesn't feel she is competing with your other partners
because they're not bottoms when they play with you.

If you've agreed that you and your partner can have one-time hookups,
then the issue of ongoing contact with an additional partner is moot.
But if you have ongoing relationships with other people, you need to
decide on the guidelines for how much regular contact you or your
partner have with others. This gets to the core of one of the essential
elements in negotiating nonmonogamy: managing your time. Your heart
may have endless love to give and you may have copious amounts of
energy to put into relationships, but there are only 24 hours in a day.
How much of that 24 hours you spend with a partner-whether
online, by phone, or in person-is an important consideration. Would
you prefer if your partner had infrequent contact with her sex buddies
and only talked to them to set up dates? Will you talk to a partner
every day?

In addition, how much time will you spend with a partner? Will
you see someone once a week, once a month, every three months? Do
you want to set a minimum and maximum amount of time you spend
with a partner you don't live with? Think about what you are comfortable with. Can you go out with another partner, but no more than
twice a week? Are there specific limits you want to set for when you
can have sex or a date with a partner? For example, maybe you can
have hookups only when you and your primary partner are geographically separated, when one of you is out of town, say. You might decide
that Friday nights are reserved for you and your primary partner.
Perhaps you share custody of children with an ex-spouse and negotiate that if you or your current partner wants to sleep over elsewhere,
it can only be when the kids are not with you.

Are there limits about where you have sex or dates with a potential
partner? Many people choose to design their nonmonogamy around
geography to define it as separate from the primary relationship. For
example, one partner may say, "You can have a girlfriend as long as she
lives in another town." Or: "Each of us travels a lot for business, and
when we're away from home, we can have flings." If you live in a small
town, often you must be extremely discreet about your open relationships. If this is the case, you may agree that other partners, whether
one-time or recurring, must live elsewhere and dates must take place
somewhere other than your hometown. Ilana says, "We have had concerns about getting involved with someone locally, in part because this
is a small town and we aren't out in the community, and in part
because of anticipated time and energy concerns."

For some people, exploring sex with others is specific to a place.
You can play with other people only when you go to clubs, parties, or
events; this is especially true for swingers and BDSMers. It is often
these environments that are conducive to such exploration, since they
are sexually charged, the majority of the attendees are part of a community, and many people are there specifically to find other partners.

If several of your partners live in the same area, you have other
issues to ponder. If you live with one partner, can you have another
partner over to the house for a date, or is that off limits? How do you
feel about either of you having sex with another partner in the bed you
share? Many people reported having a separate bedroom or playroom
for other partners or activities because they agreed their bedroom was
off limits.

Sex in our bed is okay, but sex in the meditation room is completely off limits. My room is mine. He is not allowed to have sex
in there. Likewise with me in his room. -Elizabeth

Negotiation is one of the most important steps in designing your open
relationship. I simply do not believe in attitudes such as "Let's just see
how it goes," "We can decide on a case-by-case basis," or "We'll make
it up as we go along." I am all for spontaneity, but not when it comes
to people's relationship values and boundaries. You want to go into an
open relationship with very clear intentions and limits. You want to
have those intentions and limits articulated, and in doing so, leave
nothing unsaid. Nothing should be implied in the negotiation process;
it should all be spelled out. Neglecting to anticipate and make decisions about important issues in advance can be a recipe for disaster.

Begin your negotiation process from a place of stability If you
have unresolved issues with a partner or are in a state of transition, it's
not a good time to create a radical structure change or commit to
another partner. Aiden, an FTM living with two women, always checks
in with other members of the triad before dating someone new. "We
talk with each other and make sure everyone's in a good place. We've
learned not to bring a new person into the mix when one person is
already feeling insecure or their needs aren't getting met." George, a
computer engineer from Minneapolis, agrees that timing is important,
and he likes to err on the side of caution when adding a new partner.
"If the underlying individual relationships can't support the weight,
the whole thing will crack."

The best time to negotiate is when you are clear-headed and feeling good about the relationship. It's a bad idea to negotiate and make
decisions when you are fighting or don't feel secure about yourself or
the relationship. It's also difficult, though not impossible, to negotiate
when you've developed a crush on a new person or someone is waiting in the wings for you to open up your relationship. If you are going
to an event where you hope to hook up-a private party, a sex or swing
club, a conference, a resort-always negotiate before you get there. There is nothing worse than finding someone you are interested in,
then having to stop flirting, pull your partner to the side, and say, "So
what is okay here and what's not?" It breaks the flow, it's inappropriate,
and you're already caught up in a sexually charged atmosphere. With
your judgment affected by lust, you may not make the best decision.

Approach the negotiation process with an open heart and mind
and with honesty and trust. Trust that your partner has good intentions.
This is not about one-upping each other or winning the negotiation.
Each of you should feel that you have been respected and treated fairly, that the rules set forth are fair. No one has been set up to fail. Each of
you is getting most of what you want and need, and you are able to
compromise in certain areas where necessary No one feels pressured or
coerced to agree to something. Each of you has a voice in the process.

When Checklist

Where Checklist

When a new issue comes up, give yourself time to decide. If a
partner comes to you to check in about a new partner, don't feel compelled to say yes or no right away My partner and I have agreed to check
in with each other before we hook up with someone else, and I've been
guilty of jumping to yes before I've given a situation enough thought. My
intentions are good: I say yes because I want to support my partner's
sexual adventures. But now, instead of jumping to yes, I say, Give me
a day (or an hour or a week) to think about it. Taking time makes us
both feel better: I get a chance to ponder the situation, and my partner
feels confident in my decision because he knows it's a thoughtful one.

I discuss below some things to consider during your negotiation,
such as veto power, prior permission, separate versus together, and
interaction between partners. Many of these points are very practical,
but don't mistake practical for insignificant. Any of these issues can carry
an emotional wallop. You must be sensitive, and remember that an
issue that matters little to you could mean a great deal to someone else.

Do you need prior permission from a primary (or other) partner before
you pursue someone else? Do you need someone's okay for certain
sexual activities, but not others? Perhaps casual experiences can be
allowed to happen spontaneously, but you need to inform a partner or
partners about the potential for an ongoing relationship. Some people
want to be informed about any new partner beforehand, like Ilana and
Luke: "We always attempt to discuss it with each other before entering
into a new relationship, to give our partner an opportunity to ask
questions, raise concerns, and to get comfortable with whatever level
of risk a partner may be." Some prefer to know in advance but allow for spontaneous opportunities. Elizabeth says, "We try to give each
other a heads-up before we do anything, but we recognize that it may
not be possible in the moment, so we trust each other to make the
right decision." Many people say that while they don't give or get permission, they appreciate being kept in the loop so they feel informed
about what's going on in their partners' lives.

Veto power is the ability to say no to a potential new partner and have
it respected, no matter what. Some believe that veto power is an essential component to making nonmonogamous relationships work. While
certain couples want to have a discussion about the veto, others say
they trust each other to use the veto wisely, no questions asked. Some
partners who have veto power built into their agreement say that it has
rarely been used, but when it has, it has been honored. For those who
believe strongly in it, veto power provides reassurance that each partner has a voice at this important moment. Dahlia says: "My spouse
and I always talk if we are interested in playing with a prospective partner. We describe the new person, share our thoughts, concerns, and
desires. If either of us says no about a potential fuck buddy, then we
are to respect that decision. We want to make sure that our extracurricular activities are loads of fun, but do not compromise our primary
relationship."

Some of the folks I interviewed said that while they don't believe
in veto power, if a partner raised a concern, they would listen to their
issues and seriously consider their feelings. They don't see this as a
veto, because they don't believe a partner should have such absolute,
no-questions-asked power. Eli says: "I prefer to think of this as 'preferring each other's approval' as opposed to either of us exercising a veto."

Others reject the notion of veto altogether and consider it a problematic concept. These folks don't believe in putting limits on their
partners. They don't feel it is their prerogative to stop their partner from pursuing an experience or relationship, and they want the same
freedom in return. Barbara is a bisexual woman from Columbus, Ohio: