Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (21 page)

Here are some examples of people's rules and agreements:

We practice safer sex religiously and get comprehensive testing on
a regular basis. We let each other know if we'll be out, out later
than expected, or out all night. -Pat

No other relationship is allowed to harm ours. We tell each other
about new people before anything happens below the belt. -Cheryl

If we go to a play/sex party together we play together. -Stacy

No drama; no love affairs; no lying or withholding important
information; no crazy people. There is no sexual limit to behavior; if it's hot for all involved, we support going for it. -Shari

If someone asks for reassurance, it is in your best interests to give
it. A lot of drama and hurt feelings can be avoided if this step is
honored. Recognizing that insecurity will happen, taking the time
to reassure someone of their place in your life can go a long way
toward acceptance. -Bella

Agreements are about respecting boundaries; they are not about
control. Agreements are not about avoiding the difficult stuff. Don't
agree to something because you think it will protect your partner from
feeling jealous or having to deal with her own issues. Agreements are
ultimately about making people feel safe, secure, and reassured.

While I recommend laying out specific guidelines, I want to
acknowledge that there those who do not subscribe to this practice
and believe strongly that rules are not useful to or conducive to an
open relationship.

The women's movement has had a tremendous impact on the way
people behave in relationships, especially with respect to gender. For
too long, it was assumed and expected that people would take on certain responsibilities-breadwinner, homemaker, parent, caretakerbased on rigidly defined roles of "husband" and "wife." Early feminist
thought challenged that notion and argued that we should strive for
more equal partnerships. The idea of equality has subtly seeped into
our collective consciousness and produced some important shifts in
expectations and opportunities for people of all genders. But it has
also become part of the unspoken script for the modern relationship.
People assume everyone should have equality in their relationships; if
they don't, someone is getting the short end of the stick. Every partner in a relationship absolutely should have an equal right to consent,
negotiate, and be heard. But some people have confused equality with
symmetry, making the assumption that everyone should have the
same thing.

Morgan, a male crossdresser from New York City, says, "In my
opinion the hardest thing is establishing a sense of symmetry or reciprocity in the nonmonogamy By that I mean: its going to work best if
both partners are playing with others, rather than just one of them
while the other tolerates the situation. So perhaps the only potential tension in my relationship with Dahlia is the fact that I occasionally
meet with people on my own and she (almost) never has."

When it comes to designing your open relationship, don't let the
ideal of equality trip you up. As you negotiate the details of a relationship, you must acknowledge that you and a partner are two people with
different personal styles and needs, some-but not all-of which may
overlap. Sometimes, setting the same rules for both partners simply
doesn't make sense, because you are different people who want different things. For instance, having a rule that you can only sleep with
men outside the relationship wouldn't work if one partner is a bisexual woman and the other is a straight man. You may be a person who
enjoys safe, anonymous sex, or one who can't imagine it. You may like
to take time to get to know a potential sexual partner, or you may get
off on public sex. Perhaps you want a relationship before you become
intimate, or you are looking for a long-term Dominant/submissive
dynamic. In one couple I know, the wife loves to go to swingers' clubs,
orgies, and sex parties and have public sex, whereas the husband likes
to have girlfriends to romance: women he can take on dates, travel
with, and fawn over. Different needs require different guidelines for
each person. Pat, a women's health clinic coordinator from Ohio, talks
about how she and her girlfriend differ:

I tend more toward suddenly falling into relationships or having
infrequent but ongoing sexual contacts with good friends. Ellen
tends toward more casual, "just met you but you seem nice" sex.
There would be no way to keep those hinds of things even, it would
just be silly. Ellen is much more interested in sexual relationships
with people with whom she does not have an ongoing relationship
of some hind than I could possibly imagine myself being.

Each partner deserves equal respect, of course, but equality, in the
sense of who gets to do what with whom, can be unreasonable and
unrealistic for some people. How many couples do you know where both partners contribute the same amount of time, money, housecleaning, gardening skill, cooking, parenting, travel planning, emotional
energy, romance, and erotic inspiration? If you extend this to the terms
of your open relationship, a rule such as "If I have two girlfriends, then
you should have two girlfriends" may sound like an attractive idea, but
in reality life seldom works that way. In attempting to give each partner an equal amount of freedom, you could lose sight of what each
person actually wants. Instead, see what you can do to accommodate
people's different personal styles and desires.

Work to achieve balance, rather than equality. This is not simply
a matter of semantics; there is a difference. Balance means that everyone is generally getting their needs met; no one is compromising too
much or feeling too limited by the agreement. All partners have agreed
to priorities concerning the time and energy they dedicate to the relationship, and each partner's actions reflect these priorities. No one feels
taken advantage of.

As part of the negotiation process for a BDSM scene or a relationship,
some kinky people write and sign a contract to outline their limits and
what they've agreed to. Even if you are uninterested in BDSM, I recommend you borrow this practice from the world of BDSM. A relationship
contract can be a useful tool in negotiating your nonmonogamy This
contract is not a legal document, but rather a written agreement in which
you clearly articulate your needs, wants, limits, rules, expectations,
goals, and commitments.

Writing a contract is a helpful exercise for really nailing down what
you want; it may get you thinking about things you never considered.
One of the benefits of a contract is that it makes the terms of your relationship real; it can strengthen your bond, since you commit to what you
put on paper and to each other. It can help prevent miscommunication,
and it can serve as a reference point for resolving it, especially when people don't remember exactly what was said about a particular issue
("I thought you said-" "I thought you meant-"). Trust me, its much
better to ask for clarification when you're negotiating the contract
rather than when you're in a hotel room about to have sex with someone! You can return to the contract periodically to check in with each
other and revise your agreement.

Here are some elements you can incorporate into a relationship
contract:

• A statement about the nature of your relationship and your
commitment to one another

• A statement about your personal values and philosophies

• What you hope to achieve through nonmonogamy

• The rules or guidelines for: who, what, when, where, other
partners, safe sex

• Other pertinent limits and boundaries

• Schedule of time and date commitments

• The process for starting a relationship with a new partner

• The process for airing grievances

• Agreement about being "out" to other people

• Explanation of how to amend the agreement

While a contract can clarify your agreement and commitment to
one another, it is not a guarantee of anything. A contract will not make
your nonmonogamous relationship perfect. A contract cannot prevent
miscommunication, misunderstanding, or irresponsible or hurtful
behavior. It should not be used to justify behavior after the fact: "Our
contract didn't say anything about strippers in other countries." The
contract is a tool for communication and clarification, not a weapon to
be wielded against someone later. No matter how thorough you are, a
situation will probably arise that is not covered by the contract;
remember that it's not only about what is on paper in black and white,
it's about the spirit of the contract. While a contract can bring clarity, it is not meant to set anything in stone. Your relationship, limits, and
boundaries will change-your desires and sexuality may change subtly
or dramatically-and your agreements should change with them. For
more on coping with changes and renegotiating your agreements, see
Chapter 15, Opening Up Again: When Something Changes.

PROFILE: IGNACIO AND KHANE

"We made a conscious decision to be primariesto create a spiritual base."

IGNACIO AND KHANE, BOTH 35, live in Brooklyn with Ignacio's
daughter, whom they are raising together. Ignacio, who is African
American and Puerto Rican, works as a sex worker, educator, and performance artist. Khane, who is African American, is a store manager
and entrepreneur. They are queer. "We were identified female at birth,"
Khane says. "We say we are trans-entities. We are both male and
female, and neither. We both use male pronouns because we are not
fond of the gender-neutral ones, ze/hir,2 and using solely female pronouns is not what we desire. We navigate through the world in which
some people see us as guys, others as gals, and others don't know."

Their relationship began five years ago as friends and fuck buddies. After three years together, things began to shift, but neither of
them wanted a primary partner because of their past experiences. They
say they resisted calling each other primaries even as friends and
family saw them as such. Ignacio says: "We finally said, let's just call it
what it is and let's dive headfirst into [it] and see what happens. I don't
want to pretend that this isn't happening. I want to be conscious about
it. Let's name it and do it, and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work."

They began negotiating their respective boundaries. Khane says,
"We started out with quite a few rules and boundaries that helped us to gain trust and figure out how we could maintain our polyamorous
relationship in an open and healthy way We started with boundaries
around seeing people in the workplace. We placed expectations about
respect from other lovers. We had boundaries around not sleeping
[over with other partners]. There were many that came and faded away
just as fast as they were made... I think we started out with a lot because
of our fears. Because we jumped into being primaries, we [wanted to]
be completely cautious about things."

Ignacio explains what being primaries means to them today: "My
relationship with Khane is primary because we made a conscious decision to be primaries-to create a spiritual base. We run a household
together, pay bills together, but we don't consider that the base of our
primary status. It is based in spirituality, vulnerability, [a] high level of
intimacy, friendship, and struggle." Khane adds: "We have put a lot of
work into our relationship through constant communication, and
because of that we are able to open up to others. I love having my
foundation. I love that I have found someone who can be my friend,
lover, partner, fuck buddy, BDSM partner at any given time and still be
polyamorous."

They do not have veto power over potential partners. However,
because they practice BDSM together, they agreed that when they are
in play spaces, if someone wants to top Ignacio, Khane must give them
permission. When Ignacio is on his own, he can choose to be dominated, with the caveat that he tell the person that his Master is Khane.
"We negotiate constantly and always leave everything open for discussion. We both like knowing we are not stuck in one way of being.
Some boundaries are made just until we get over a phobia we may
have developed from a past relationship that went bad. That's how we
heal each other," Khane says.

As a couple, they have a relationship with Chandra. Ignacio says,
"I was co-workers with her for a couple of months and got to know her
as a friend. She attended one of my play parties and got into a really sexy scene with Khane. I was so turned on by it that I initiated a threeway date. Since then, we have grown in a relationship with her. It has
been challenging at times but we are always so amazed at how we are
able to function, check ourselves, and grow together as a three-way
and separately"

When Khane feels jealous, he says, "I allow myself to feel it. Then
I figure out where it's coming from and why Sometimes I tell Ignacio
about it and sometimes I just process myself through it and let it go.
Most times it has to do with the frustration of not having a date with
Ignacio in a while or needing him to fuck me, or needing to dominate
him. In the end, it is usually not attached to the other person at all. On
those rare occasions where it is pure jealousy, we process it and figure
if it's a matter of renegotiating something, strengthening some part of
our foundation, or just realizing it's something that will only go away
with time, like getting used to a new situation."