Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (23 page)

The opposite of possessiveness is generosity As Raven Kaldera
writes,

If you are being generous, it means you have enough to
share. You can give plenty away and still not be impoverished. It's that feeling of pure abundance when you know
you've got enough of whatever it is that you can give it out
by the handfuls and still be knee-deep in it.3

Many people in polyamorous relationships would concur. Theo is
a 46-year-old man from Connecticut who's been polyamorous for
almost 20 years and currently lives with his primary partner of seven
years:

What makes it easy to share is when we're feeling so full of love
and acknowledgment from each other that we're overflowing...
When she's acknowledging me and I her and we're really appreciating each other things heat up. When we're not having a great
time together we're not feeling full of each other I've been away
for three weeks traveling for work, or we're squabbling, then
we're not full and we don't feel so great. Then having her be with
someone else or having me be with someone else [can] be hard.
It's a hell of a lot better when we're full of each other and sexy
with each other. Then its a lot more fun to include the rest.

Kaldera is articulating a world view, while Theo is speaking of one's
perception at a given moment. I think possessiveness and generosity
can depend on either impulse-or both. If you are territorial and don't
like to share, it's probably difficult for you to share your partners. Possessive people can learn to separate themselves from their partners
and see their partners as independent, freethinking individuals. Perhaps
your generosity depends on the particular circumstance: when you feel
content and secure and all is well, you're thrilled to share your partner,
but when you're feeling shaky or disconnected, you're more apt to
experience fear and doubt. One interviewee has another way to deal
with possessiveness; Jimmy is a leatherman from Pittsburgh who has
several Dominant/submissive relationships: "Being polyamorous doesn't
mean I don't get jealous. I'm a very possessive person... Poly's good for
me because then I can have more people. I can say `mine' about a lot
of people.. .mine, mine, mine. I can possess many"

When some people say they feel jealous, what they deeply feel is left
out. They wish they could be included in a partner's activities and
adventures. For example: I'm jealous that my lover Jenny gets to go to
a sex party and I have to stay home and study. Or Jenny's partner takes
her on lavish vacations, and I wish I could go with them and see all
the exotic places they see. Or Jenny is going to meet all sorts of cool
people at the polyamory conference this weekend, and I wish I could
be there, too.

Sometimes, the desire to be included can be fulfilled: you can
make an agreement with a partner always to have sex or dates with
other people together. In other cases, where being included is not possible, realistic, or desirable, you can find ways to manage the feelings.
One fairly simple solution: when your partner goes on a date, make
plans to do something with a friend; keeping busy is better than sitting
home alone, wallowing in jealousy Or ask your partner to plan dates
on a night when you have a class or regular activity For some people,
hearing the details of a partner's dates can be another way for them to
feel included and in the loop. While these strategies can help you cope with the feeling, to get to the heart of the matter, work on this goal:
you must strongly believe in and support your partner having physical
and emotional space to experience things without you.

If you are the person who feels jealous, the first step is to let yourself
feel jealous. Even if you know, intellectually, that your emotion is irrational, you can still experience jealousy as real, visceral, and
overwhelming. So let yourself feel it-validate and own the feeling.
Don't criticize yourself or pile shame and judgment on top of it-that
will just make you feel worse.

Remember, too, that jealousy can be a learned reaction, one we
see represented and reinforced all around us. Remind yourself that you
may be reacting unconsciously in a way you think you should react.
Ed, who lives in a triad with his wife and co-husband, says:

When I find disagreeable emotions surfacing, I take some time to
think about it. I rarely react right away to emotions. I'll doublecheck my beliefs, and see if the emotion is based on values I
consciously choose, or if it is a remnant of my earlier social training. For example, one time at a party I saw Leslie smooching and
snuggling with her new boyfriend, and I felt a bit jealous.
According to the books I've read and the movies I've seen, I should
fly into a jealous rage or make some sort of scene. I'm very much
in uncharted territory on how to behave; I haven't seen good
polyamorous reactions portrayed in movies and such. At the
time, I stepped out of the party, and went through my values: Do
I think Leslie has complete control over her time, energy and
affections? Yes. Do I trust that Leslie still loves me? Yes. And so
on, until I concluded that my feelings were coming from a value
system I have consciously refused.

When you feel any kind of jealousy, first ask yourself what's
underneath the feeling. Do you feel left out, possessive, envious? Are
you comparing yourself to someone else? Do you feel threatened,
disrespected, angry? Did something specific happen to trigger your
jealousy? Remember that we often can't predict whether something
will bother us until it happens and we get upset.

Next, seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Your support system will help you assess the reality of the situation as well as
any suspicions or fears you may have. People who love and support
you can help you see that your partner's new partner is not the best
thing since sliced bread (or whatever it is you've made them out to be)
and reassure you that your relationship is solid. Finally, figure out what
you need to feel better; it may be time to yourself, reassurance from
your partner, or a commitment for some quality time.

I try very hard to accept and cradle my feelings, while recognizing
that they are sometimes about issues and relationships that aren't
the ones at hand. -Hailey

It's my duty to deal with my negative emotions in a self-caring
way and not to dump on my partner and he returns the favor.
-Shari

Some people discover that their jealousy has nothing to do with
a partner's actions, so they choose to work on the feelings themselves.
Self-care, which is simply being able to soothe, reassure, and take care
of yourself when you're feeling bad, is a necessary skill when struggling with jealousy This can include meditating, writing in a journal,
spending time with friends, exercising, doing something creative, or
pampering yourself. Other people need to share their feelings with a
partner in order to help resolve them. When expressing yourself, take
responsibility for how you feel. Your feelings are yours, so don't project them on the other person. A helpful way to do this is a tool of Nonviolent Communication often referred to as using "I" language.
Using "I" language helps you to own your feelings and not blame
others for them. Here are some examples:

• "Your taking Sara to the zoo hurt my feelings." (I put the
blame on you.)

"I felt hurt when you took Sara to the zoo instead of me."
(This is how I feel.)

• "Your make-out session with Louis at the party made me
angry" (I put the blame on you.)

"I felt angry when I saw you making out with Louis." (This is
how I feel.)

After sharing how you feel, talk about what you need to feel
better. Keep in mind that your feelings may prompt a new agreement
or rule between you, one which can help prevent or alleviate jealousy
in the future. For example: The next time we go to a party and hook
up with someone, let's not have intercourse with her. Or: I'd prefer it
if you didn't take your other partner to the knitting circle, since lots of
my friends go to it.

If I feel that my partner is doing something that makes me feel
unduly insecure, I'll ask them not to do it as long as it's not something that'll infringe too much on their life, like "Sweetie, could
you not keep telling me how hot X is or if you do, could you mix
it with equal praise of me?" instead of "Could you not speak to X
anymore?" -Coraline

If your partner tells you she's feeling jealous, your responsibility
is to listen without judgment. Validate her feelings even if you don't
understand them. Be present and available to process with her. If your
partner comes to you feeling bad, never reject her by saying, "I followed our agreement. This is your problem, deal with it yourself."
Some people believe in this "tough love" approach, holding each
person solely responsible for his or her own feelings. While I believe we are responsible for our own feelings, I don't think this means leaving your partner stranded to process on his own. You don't need to
take the blame for how someone else feels or take his issues on as your
own. However, if you are in a relationship, you've made a commitment; you should invest in working on, healing, or fixing the problem
in whatever way you can. In addition to listening, reassure your jealous partner about your desire, love, and commitment. Give her a
reality check if you feel her fears are unreasonable.

We address each other's feelings with care, urgency, and without
judgment. Many assume that one person is isolated in feeling
jealous, is responsible for feeling that way, and should take care
of these emotions alone. We see that feelings belong to the relationship, thus we both are responsible for the care, resolution, and
nurture of them. -Claire

Behind jealousy, and the insecurity that fuels it, is fear. Usually the fear
concerns a change in the relationship or its end. Fear of the unknown
is a very powerful emotion. You fear that your partner will fall in love
with someone else-which may or may not be on the table as an
option depending on your nonmonogamy agreement. You fear that
your lover will leave you for this other person. You fear that your role
as primary will be taken over. You fear you'll be a failure because the
relationship failed. You may even fear that you will be alone forever.

The first tool you need to calm this fear is a reality check: look at
the situation rationally, with reassurance from your partner and
friends, and see that your relationship is not going to end anytime
soon. Don't let those little demon voices in your head tell you otherwise. Look at your fear as a symptom of distrust: if you trusted your
partner and your relationship, then you'd know it wasn't in danger. If your partner has not given you any reason not to trust her, then the fear
is exposed as irrational. But remind your partner not to neglect you as
she pursues a new fling or relationship, because ignoring you will only
feed into your fear. Ginger says, "I think a lot of this for me is a hangover from monogamous life, where getting a new love means dumping
the old one. But that's not what polyamory is about."

One of the best ways to deal with a fear of abandonment is to look
it straight in the eye. Embrace the notion that your relationship might
be about to end (which, remember, it most likely isn't), that any relationship can end at any point, and you will go on. It will be painful, horrible,
awful, but you will survive. If it ends, it doesn't mean you've failed.

If you make peace with your worst fear coming true, it can't continue to have a powerful hold on you. And make no mistake: the fear
of abandonment is a powerful one, usually with roots in a childhood
experience of traumatic loss; it takes time and hard work to overcome,
and it doesn't go away just by wishing it will. If you feel that this fear
is a driving force in your life, causing you excessive worry or leading
you to compromise your own needs, then I recommend counseling.

People feel resentment when they believe someone has hurt or
wronged them; resentment is a kind of anger that usually stays unresolved. People grow angry when their needs are not met, when they
feel unappreciated, or when a partner does something they feel is hurtful. Resentment often comes up in open relationships when one
partner goes along with some behavior to make the other happy: these
are the times when you say yes to a partner's request for a sexual
encounter or a new partner but your heart screams no. You should
never give something your blessing if you have reservations about it.
When you don't honor your feelings and instincts, when you don't verbalize what you want and need, when you keep silent so you don't rock the boat, it's only a matter of time before you feel bad. Unexpressed
anger and resentment can only lead to a breakdown in communication, distance between partners, and a pileup of negative emotions.

Letting things build up over time can lead to painful emotional
explosions. The resentful partner has reached his limit and lets loose
days or weeks or years of hurt and anger; usually the other partner
feels blindsided, since he's hearing the information for the first time.
We can't expect our partners to read our minds. The key to avoiding
resentment is to express your feelings, even if they are difficult to talk
about, like anger, hurt, or betrayal. Even if you know the feelings are
irrational, you must still honor them and communicate them.

PROFILE: FIONA AND SAM