Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (13 page)

Nonsexual poly relationships can arise in all sorts of situations. In
a recently documented phenomenon among gay and lesbian people,
two couples or a couple and a single person join together to have children. For example, a lesbian couple ask a close gay male friend to donate
sperm so they can have a child. If the man wants to play a role in the
child's life, the three agree to be co-parents. He lives with them, helps
raise the kid, and they all share a deep bond. In a mixed-orientation marriage, one spouse is straight and the other comes out as gay or lesbian.
The spouses may stay together and consider themselves partners, but
they no longer have a sexual relationship. They may become involved
in sexual and loving relationships with others, but those are considered
secondary to theirs.

Then there are multipartner relationships where not all partners
are sexual with one another. For example, one woman is married to
and sexually involved with two men. While the two men are not sexual
with one another, they have a unique relationship that may encompass deep love, trust, and commitment. The two men may call each
other partners, co-husbands, or co-spouses.

Nonsexual polyamory shows how polyamorous people have
rejected another aspect of the prevailing view of relationships: that in
order to have a significant other, one must have a sexual relationship.
They have chosen instead to take a broader view of how partnerships
and relationships can be defined based on their own beliefs, values, and
experiences. As a result, people in poly relationships may be more likely
to stay together: even when the sexual component of a relationship
changes or ends, the relationship does not have to end. By redefining
what constitutes an intimate relationship, partners can honor all the
elements of their connection with each other.

PROFILE: LENA AND GAVIN

"We are committed to each other and never have forgotten
where `home' is."

LENA, 54, IS A LEGAL SECRETARY AND GAVIN, 43, is a project
manager. They have been together for two years and consider each
other primary partners.

When did you first start to explore polyamory?

Lena: I was actually a pretty mainstream person growing up, not a
conservative person especially; nevertheless, I wouldn't call myself a
radical of any kind. The first time you get a divorce, you think, Okay,
I'll try again and we'll get it right and any guilt will be absolved and life
will be good. But my second divorce hit me really hard. I grappled for a
long time with the idea of a monogamous marriage because I could see
how hard it was to be all things to one person over the long term. That
had been a major issue in both of my marriages: whether we could really
meet each other's needs. I was very skittish about getting emotionally involved with anyone for a long time... Once my daughter was about
ready to exit high school, I felt it was okay to explore an interest I'd
had for a long time: dating women... The second woman I dated said,
"I need you to know that I have a husband." "Does he know that you're
out with me?" I asked. "Oh yeah, he knows." Then she said, "I need
you to know I also have a wife." I said, "Wow. Tell me more!" She took
me home to meet them. We got into a real fun relationship for a while.
That's when I was really enthusiastic about my bisexuality too, so
I thought, What could be better than one of each? Plus I recognized
the things that a poly relationship would offer me that a monogamous
one wouldn't in terms of flexibility, and also honesty

Gavin: My first wife and I were high school sweethearts. The sex was
good prior to the marriage, and after that it kind of fizzled out. She
suffers from depression, so her libido went down and we were in
counseling many times to try to deal with it. One of the ways I dealt
with it was I started going to massage parlors-I would get a massage
and then get jacked off. I enjoyed it but after a while started to feel very
guilty, especially when I became president of my church board. I told
her about the massage parlors, and she ended our marriage. With my
second wife, sex was really great in the beginning, and then things
started going downhill. I had several affairs but felt guilty about cheating... I saw a Penn & Teller Show, Bullshit, and some HBO things
about sex and various alternative communities, and I thought, I want
that kind of life where it's open, it's honest, it's okay to have more than
one partner.

Gavin, you mentioned church. What is your religion?

Gavin: I've been a Unitarian Universalist for a long time. I think UUs
and poly people go together. The first principle is the inherent working
dignity of all people. It's not just one person. If I think that somebody
else is very worthy, I want to be able to express that and love that person just as much as this person. Justice, equity, and compassion in
all human relations. Not just one person-all. I think it's important
that we try to be friendly, certainly; if we can be loving to more than
one person, that's okay. The never-ending search for truth and meaning.
Well, for me, the truth is, monogamy doesn't work for me. I tried it, I've
been dishonest with it, and it doesn't work for me.

Lena: The spirituality part of poly means being able to make a heart
connection with more than one person and have that kind of emotional
intimacy and the sharing of physical intimacy as well... To me, it is
spiritually gratifying to know that I have the freedom to connect on that
level with more than one person.

What's difficult about being polyamorous?

Lena: When you start talking about sharing partners, you raise some
emotions that are very natural. Jealousy is something that we are going
to feel. I've had jealous feelings with some of the relationships he's
gotten into. I call it "getting the yips." I've been a little nervous, and he
and I have done some processing about it. Once he goes out and has
sex with them, it's all fine. It's the anticipation that's difficult. We don't
know what's going to happen when we have a sexually intimate relationship with someone, especially if we're open to a heart connection
as well. It's that unknown, what the future will bring, that makes me
nervous.

Gavin: I am blessed to have someone who is so supportive, loving, and
sexually open. I can live my authentic self because of her. She has transformed me. Although I occasionally date others, we are committed to
each other and never have forgotten where "home" is.

IN AMERICAN CULTURE, monogamy isn't the only norm when it
comes to relationships; its expected that everyone wants to be and
should be part of a couple. The fact of the matter is that some people
prefer not to be in a partnered relationship-they just don't want a primary partner. They may like to live alone or, if they live with others,
they don't want those others to be lovers. They are usually strongly
independent. Although they enjoy relationships, they are content to
have dates, lovers, friends, and partners, but don't consider anyone a
primary partner. They may choose to devote the majority of their time
and energy to education, parenting, spiritual pursuits, travel, or career.
Having a primary relationship is not at the top of their priority list.

Some may call these folks single, but single has many different
meanings and not all of them apply When you check the "single" box
on a legal form, it means you are not married-but you can be dating,
in a committed relationship, or in a nonlegal marriage, as with two gay
people. Single could mean you're dating, but not committed, or it could
mean you're not dating at all. Rather than referring to them as single,
I call these people solo polyamorists: they are dedicated to polyamory
but they choose not to have a primary partner.

Solo polyamory can be temporary, time-limited, or long-term.
Perhaps you just got out of a relationship, have decided to concentrate
on yourself, and don't want to partner with anyone. Maybe you don't
want a partner until your kids grow up and move out of the house; or
you're in school and want to focus on your education for several years.
Or you're currently dating and don't consider anyone you're seeing a
partner, but if a relationship moved in that direction, that may change.
Or you're just not interested in a primary relationship at all in the foreseeable future. In general, people who practice solo polyamory date
and have nonprimary partners, but they don't want to cohabit, mingle
finances and resources, raise children, or make important life decisions
with a partner.

After being in and out of relationships for 25 years, Nicole made
a choice not to pursue a primary relationship: "I needed to become
myself for a while. I've started my own company, and I'm doing my
doctorate. Until that's done, I can't put the energy into a primary relationship. That's of course saying that a primary relationship doesn't
pop up and jump out at me between now and then. You can't stop it
when it does. But I'm not looking."

Thomas's marriage ended four years ago, and he is not looking
for a new significant other. He calls himself single and poly, though his
relationship with one of his partners has grown deeper: "I've fallen in
love and there is definitely a sense of things developing in that relationship. We don't necessarily have rules that we have to follow or
anything... I think it's like getting a date to the prom-I know who
I'd ask, but fortunately, I don't need a date to the prom. I can go stag."

Solo polyamory may be your preference if:

• you like to have sex with different people, but prefer not to
have a relationship with anyone

• you like to date, but can't see yourself dating one person
exclusively

• you want relationships with multiple people-some of which
may be serious or committed-but don't want a primary relationship or a primary partner

• you prefer to date and have sex and relationships with couples,
but don't want to partner with them

• having a serious, committed, or primary relationship is not a
priority in your life

• you enjoy freedom, independence, and solitude

• you aren't dating anyone currently, but if you were, it would
be a polyamorous relationship

To do solo polyamory well, you should inform the people you
date or have sex with that you have limited time and energy to
devote to relationships. Many people assume that if they want a serious relationship, so does everyone else; you've got to confront those
assumptions and be specific about what you want. When you make
something other than your relationships your main priority, you also
need to walk the walk. It can be easy to fall into seeing someone more
than you want to out of habit or convenience. For Nicole, the biggest
challenge of being solo and poly is not falling back into old patterns:
"The challenge is not going and grabbing the first person that
appears to be 'it'-grabbing onto them and getting all those security
blankets hooked in again. Because usually at that point you're overlooking the issues that might also be wrapped in that blanket."
Thomas would tell women he was dating right away that he was poly
and bisexual. They would hear him, but still have other expectations;
when he stuck to being poly, they'd often end the relationship
because it hadn't progressed to a different level.

I consider myself to be my primary partner. This is a very real
label for me, not something that I adopt while waiting for "The
One" to come along. I am my own husband and wife. -Hailey

How and what you negotiate with someone will depend first and
foremost on who else is in the picture. For example, the dynamic of two
solo poly persons hooking up is much different from the dynamic of a
solo person forming a relationship with someone who is partnered. In
the case of the latter, the solo person may have to abide by the rules of
her partner's primary relationship. Agreeing to someone else's limits
may or may not work for you.

As with nonprimary partners in the previous chapter, the relationship choices you make as a solo polyamorous person are just as valid
as those of people in primary relationships. While you may not have a
serious commitment to any one partner, you still must negotiate the
amount of time you spend together, safer sex, and other boundaries.
Because your relationships may not be daily or time-intensive, you may
feel disconnected from your partners; it may take some patience to
reestablish your connection each time you get together. And, of course,
being a nonprimary partner doesn't mean you are a second-class citizen: everyone deserves respect, compassion, and love. Adam says,
"One thing that people most misunderstand about solo poly people is
that the relationships we form are not shallow or disposable. I've been
treated like shit by monogamous people who insist that I could only
possibly see them as a fuck toy-and who treat me as one when is not
appropriate."

If you feel that your needs are not being met, you must speak up
for yourself rather than chalking it up to your solo status. But you also
need to be prepared, especially if you are dating someone who has a
primary partner. If something big comes up in your partner's primary
relationship-a new baby, a serious illness, or a major life change, for
example you may not get the time and attention you want, or any
time and attention at all, for a period of time. Events such as these are
not necessarily obstacles, but something to consider. Kathleen's partner is married and recently had a child: "If his wife is having a hard
night, my play date gets canceled. Part of me is disappointed, but part of me is okay because one of the things I love about him is his commitment to his family"