Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (31 page)

This time was different, Andi says. "I thought, this all makes so
much more sense now, we've totally been neglecting each other, our
needs aren't getting met. I think we've been putting on a front. We would be jealous and say, Oh, it's okay, we'll just work through it. We'd
have real paralyzing fears sometimes. Something bad would happen,
but we'd say it's going to be fine. Legitimate, deep, awful feelings that
we were having-we blew them off as just part of the relationship,
stuff that will just make us stronger. Finally I [said] we had to address
all these issues, and do it in couples therapy, because we were so distant from each other at that point."

While josh had pressed for monogamy in the past, now that Andi
was ready to try it josh didn't want to. He was in love with his new
partner and didn't want to stop seeing her. Andi ended her other relationships, but josh resisted. Andi says, "Even though I was committed
at that point that we had to be monogamous, I thought, What can I
do? I have to accept this, basically Eventually he'll figure it out and
we'll be together. I did not think it was going to last with them anyway
Then josh came to the realization on his own that he had to put a hundred and ten percent into our relationship if there was ever a chance
that it would survive. We had to put everything we had into it. It was
the only way we would know if we had a real shot."

They went into couples counseling and worked on communicating
better. They don't believe that polyamory was the cause of their near
breakup. Josh says, " [polyamory] would exacerbate small problems and
magnify amplify everything... I felt that it may have brought things to
the surface that we were struggling with anyway-communication
issues that may have dragged on for years and years that maybe would
never have erupted. But with all the additional stresses on our relationship because of the polyamory, everything came to a head and we had
no choice but to deal with it."

After a year of monogamy and couples counseling, they recently
celebrated their eighth wedding anniversary They have worked hard
to repair their relationship, and they feel confident and connected.
While they haven't sworn off polyamory for good, they are cautious
about it. Andi says, "We've made out with other people. We haven't dated anybody else, and I don't know if we'll go down that road. I think
it's a lot more scary to us now. We're not as naive as we were... I'd still
like to have other experiences, but it's complicated. It does put a stress
on our relationship and it's not always safe, and those are big factors...
I'm still okay with having some sexual experiences with other people,
especially if we're doing it together. I think it could be really fun.
Relationships-not so much. I think that's where a lot of the problems
came from: we were totally distracted by our emotions for these other
people." "I'm a bit more nervous about it all," Josh says. "A little bit of
making out here and there is fairly harmless. But outside sexual relationships when we're not together feels threatening to me. It just brings
back a lot of the memories-positive memories, but also of all the things
that went wrong."

"It was very much a learning experience," Andi says. "Figuring out
that I'm bisexual was a huge thing for me... I think I realized, as we
started to be more picky and more safe, I was trying to figure out what
I was looking for. I really wanted the deep emotional relationships,
which was something I felt I didn't really have a lot of before josh.
I think I was seeking deeper relationships through our polyamory All
our closest friends right now we've probably had some sort of sexual
relationship with at some point. Our friends have changed over the
years, and I feel we have deeper, more meaningful relationships, more
open relationships, with the people we're friends with now. We're just
more open people in general, and I like that. I think it's more us."

HAVING READ THIS FAR, you've learned some skills for creating the
open relationship that's right for you and your partner(s). Now it's time
to deal with the world at large. In this chapter, we'll explore some of
the different ways you relate to the people around you: coming out
about your nonmonogamy, finding community, and creating family.
Coming out about your relationship style is a very serious decision,
one that requires careful consideration. Finding others like you can
help bring you support, friendship, resources, and understanding.
Creating a chosen family of other nonmonogamous people builds a
network of like-minded folks around you. Note that this chapter deals
with the adults in your life. For information on raising children and
coming out to them, see Chapter 17, Raising Children.

There are many reasons to come out about your open relationship.
Probably one of the most obvious is that you can be open about all aspects of your life; you don't have to hide your lifestyle, lie about certain activities, withhold information, or sneak around. Coming out
prevents misunderstandings and speculation; for example, if someone
who doesn't know about your relationship style runs into you with a
partner other than the one they know, they are likely to assume you're
cheating, since cheating is much more prevalent and acknowledged
than consensual nonmonogamy This is a misinterpretation many nonmonogamous people despise, because their relationships are consensual. Coming out fits with a personal philosophy of openness: if you
value honesty in relationships, you want that honesty to extend beyond
romantic/love relationships. Sharing the whole picture with loved ones
can feel like a weight lifted off your shoulders, but more important, it
can deepen your intimacy with them.

Although most of their friends knew, married couple josh and Andi
decided to come out to their family as both bisexual and polyamorous
after a few years of being polyamorous. "We felt that... the double life we
were living with our family, the things that we had to keep from [them],
didn't really jibe with our honesty and openness. And we weren't ashamed
of what we were doing," Josh says. Andi says, "We stuck together when
we decided to tell them because we thought that this was something
we would continue for the rest of our lives... We didn't see it [as] a
phase. We felt this is who we are. We identified so deeply with it."

Some respondents mentioned having to tell loved ones that additional partners were "friends," which wasn't the whole truth, and, in
some cases, did not convey their importance in their lives. When you
come out, people can know who your partners are and what they mean
to you. Dillon came out to his family as both polyamorous and bisexual
at Thanksgiving. He wanted to bring two of his partners home with him
and didn't want to have to introduce one as just a friend. "As it turned
out, my family was very supportive, and I think I was the person most
nervous that Thanksgiving. It worked out beautifully because I was
able to honor both of my lovers and honor my family too-they got to meet both of these amazing people in my life, and got to meet `all of
me' as well."

Coming out can also be an opportunity to educate those around
you. Many people believe, erroneously, that they don't know anyone in
a nonmonogamous relationship, and they make assumptions about
people who are. Giving them the opportunity to get to know someone
in an alternative relationship goes a long way toward understanding
and acceptance. Lee says, "I don't wear a neon sign about it, but I don't
take any measures to disguise anything, either. If I hear someone bashing nonmonogamy, [it] compels me to stand up as an example of
responsible nonmonogamy that has lasted longer than the average
mono/hetero pairing."

For some people, there are just as many reasons not to come out about
their open relationship as there are for disclosing it. One of the most
frequently cited-and a significant one-is that with children there is
the potential for a custody dispute. When it comes to custody, in most
parts of the country judges have considerable leeway in deciding who
is a fit parent and who is not. Unfortunately, it is far more common for
people in open relationships to lose custody of their children than for
their nonmonogamy not to be an issue. Two of my interviewees lost
custody of their children because they are polyamorous.

Others decided to be selective in coming out because of potential
custody issues. Ginger has a 10-year-old daughter from a previous
marriage who lives with her ex-husband, and a 3-year-old daughter
with her current husband. She and her husband have not come out to
the older child (whose custody they share), but the younger child, who
lives with them, has known all along. One concern is that the 3-year-old
might out them to the 10-year-old, who might tell her father, and he
could challenge the current custody arrangement.

Dana, who's in a triad with a man and a woman, did not have a
positive experience coming out to her mother: "My mom basically shut
down for about three months. She couldn't handle anything more than
[her] job and feeding herself... She gave me her perspective, and [told
me] why I was a horrible person, why she did not agree with my
choices... In an email, she wrote that she does not want any children
we might have to be raised in this environment, and she would do her
best to get custody of them." Because Dana plans to have children, she
is very worried about her mother's threat to assume custody

Another frequently cited reason for not coming out is the risk of
losing one's job. Several people I interviewed or their partners work for
government agencies or have high-profile jobs, and they fear negative
repercussions. People who work with children believe their relationships will be misunderstood, seen as deviant and harmful to kids. One
triad was concerned that a member might lose his security clearance if
it was discovered he had a wife and a co-husband. Dani works as a
minister in a Methodist Church: "I am not out at this church. It's a very
conservative congregation. If I were at a different congregation, a little
less conservative, and if they hadn't just run off their previous music
director because he was gay, maybe I would be out. I hate not being
out, but it's also self-preservation."

Whatever poly style you adopt, all nonmonogamous relationships are alternative relationships. They contradict most people's
expectations, and many people are against any relationship other than
monogamy for supposedly moral or religious reasons, or due to just
plain ignorance and bigotry Some people choose not to come out
because of the stigma of nonmonogamous relationships and the fear of
criticism or rejection from friends, family, and co-workers.

The hardest thing is living in a culture that doesn't sanction such
relationships. That is, if one shares one's lifestyle with someone else,
one may be labeled a "sex freak" or worse. -Dahlia

For some folks, where they live dictates how out they are to
others. It's especially difficult for those who live in conservative communities. Ilana and Luke, who live in the Deep South, are out to
almost no one about being polyamorous. Luke says:

There are times when we would like to act according to our beliefs,
but because of the prevailing belief system, we must be very circumspect in how we behave in public. This is sometimes difficult
for us and causes feelings of disgust, resentment, and displeasure
with society, especially here in the Bible Belt of the Deep South.
People meddle, pry, condemn, evangelize, gossip.

They have consciously chosen not to date anyone in or near their
hometown for fear of the gossip it could generate or potential problems
if a partner (or ex) decided to out them. In addition, when partners
from out of town come to visit, they must be very careful not to be
affectionate in public:

We've had a number of negative experiences of people who see
things, make projections, say things to our friends, out us to our
minister so that's probably the most difficult part... But the second
part is finding like-minded people, just to get along with, discuss
issues and feelings with... We hardly have any friends here we can
talk to about the issues involved with having multiple partners.

There can be significant consequences in your life if you reveal you are
not monogamous. You can be discriminated against at work or school,
or when you seek housing or a job. Remember that there is no protection under the law for someone living in a committed triad, or for a
polyamorous mother with four partners. Your open relationship can
be used against you during a divorce, custody dispute, or other legal proceeding. You may be ostracized by your neighbors, social or political
groups, your place of worship, and, perhaps most devastatingly, friends
and family As you weigh your options, consider these questions:

• How much does your open relationship affect your daily life?

• How might the people you love react to the announcement that
you are nonmonogamous?

• How important is it that the following people know you are nonmonogamous: family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors?

• How would you feel if you were rejected by family members,
friends, co-workers, and neighbors?

• What kind of job do you have? Would being out put your job
in jeopardy?

• Do you have children? Are there potential custody issues?

• What is the general social, political, and religious climate where
you live?

• Do you have access to a local group of swingers, polyamorous
people, or other folks in open relationships?

• Do you have a support system in case your coming out goes
badly?

Once you have considered the potential consequences and risks, you
still have plenty to think about if you decide to come out, including
whom to come out to, how to come out, how to address people's concerns, and what to do if it doesn't go well.