Our Chance (36 page)

“What do you want from life, Nell?”

Frowning, she bit her lip. “I want… God, everything’s changed and it’s a little scary. I’m still trying to get my head around it and I’m trying not to listen to the nagging voice that tells me I’m going to end up like my parents.”

I reached across the island where she sat down and took her hand. “You won’t and I’m glad you’re not letting your doubts control you anymore.”

“I’m working on it. I want normal, healthy relationships and the ability to actually tell people the truth about where I’m at and what’s going on.”

I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. For once Nell was talking about what she wanted and it wasn’t just the same old ‘lots of great sex’ comments. These were real things about her future. That didn’t mean she wanted me in the picture when she spoke about her new start, though.

“You’ll get there.”

“Damn straight. I’m trying not to rush myself. Right now I still revert back to relationships equal carnage. But it’s a start that I know I want to change, right?”

I ran my thumb over her knuckles. “It’s a great start. I’m so happy to hear you say that, all I want is for you to be happy.”

“What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yeah. These last few weeks have all been about me and while I appreciate you being there I would really like to not talk about my life for a little while. What do you want? You know, besides cars, mansions and pools.”

“I just want to be happy, wherever that is. Maybe it’s because I’m growing up, I don’t know, but I want to share my life with someone. I want to be as happy as Lance and Ivory and Chloe and Logan. I used to pity people in relationships, having to consider someone else all the time but when I see them together, I see the work is worth it. I want to be solid with someone.”

I want to be solid with you.

She smiled and her face softened and eyes brightened. “Sounds nice, huh.”

“It does. One day.”

The air between us thickened and she seemed to breathe a little shallower. Silence stretched in front of us and even though we didn’t talk, a thousand words were spoken. We’d made progress. We may not be jumping into anything major but we were committed to sticking together and seeing if we could make a relationship work, however long it took.

Nell

Damon drove us to the coast. I was very ready to get away for the day. He was right; a change of scenery was exactly what I needed for a while. He’d chosen a beach that wasn’t popular with tourists and there was even a picnic in the back. Everything had been thought through.

We parked on the seafront and Damon grabbed the picnic basket and blanket. He then got two hot pink buckets and spades out of the boot. For the first time in what felt like years, I laughed.

“When did you get those?” I asked.

“About ten minutes ago in the garage we stopped at for petrol.”

Why hadn’t I immediately seen that and taken the piss?

“Well, the colour suits you,” I teased.

He grinned. “I know.”

Taking my hand, we walked down the footpath towards the sandy beach. Seeing such a masculine man with a fully toned body and inked arms and back holding a picnic basket, red blankets and pink buckets gave me the lift I so desperately needed right now.

“Where do you want to sit?” I asked as he walked us in a zig zag along the sand.

“Not sure yet. A little further up away from the carpark.”

The beach was relatively clear with only a few people milling around and the odd kid running along the edge of the sea. Damon finally found his perfect space and laid the blanket out. He held his hand out, gesturing for me to sit down and followed me, sitting opposite.

No one had ever looked more out of place than he did in such a…normal and romantic picture. “You want to eat before we built a manly castle?”

I tilted my head. “How exactly is it going to be manly?”

His eyes lit up with humour. “I’ll build a big moat around it.”

“Oh, of course. A moat cancels out you making tiny castles with sand in bright pink buckets.” I narrowed my eyes. “You’re doing this because you secretly want to do this, aren’t you?”

He cocked his eyebrow and pointed at me. His gaze turned intense. “I’m doing this for that reason.”

“What reason?”

Reaching across he brushed his thumb along my bottom lip. “For that smile.”

Oh.

He dropped his arm and flipped the lid open on the basket. Inside was a bucket of chicken from KFC, chocolate, crisps and coke.

“Wow, that’s some picnic, Damon.”

“I don’t bake or shit. This is about as good as it’s going to get.”

“This is perfect. Who needs healthy?”

“That’s what I think,” he said, taking a bite of a wing.

I ate quickly, too eager to get to the part where he’s collecting damp sand in a pink bucket to make his manly castle.

“Have you thought any more about visiting your dad?” He asked.

I shook my head. “Well, I have but I can’t do it yet. I feel bad because I know he wouldn’t have wanted her to die. The guilt he must be feeling… But I’m not ready to face him yet. Is that selfish?”

“Nell, I think after what they put you through, they have no right to ask anything of you. They’ve been selfish your whole life.”

That did make sense but it was difficult when I felt like I should go to him. I had two conflicting emotions and right now I wasn’t thinking clear enough to choose between them. So I’d do what Damon said – for once – and give myself time. My dad owed me time.

“Yeah, thanks. Now,” I said, handing him the bucket, “fill this up and let me laugh at you.”

He looked at me sternly. “No pictures of this are to be taken.”

Saluting, I grabbed my own and stood up. For the next few hours I wasn’t going to think of everything I’d lost or still needed to do. I was going to have some immature fun until we went home and got back to reality.

Right on time, Logan knocked on my door. Chloe had mentioned that he
might
pop by on his way home from work. By that she meant he most definitely would because she’d instructed him to.

“Hey,” I said, opening the door and standing aside so he could come in.

“Hey, you okay?”

“I’m fine, Logan, you don’t have to check in on me.”

“Yes, I do.”

“You don’t, I’m doing fine.”

He nodded and walked to the living room area. “I know and that’s exactly what I said to Chloe but she threatened me with a sexless month and there’s no fucking way I’m doing that, so I’ll put the kettle on and you can tell me all about what’s happening with Damon.”

I groaned and followed as he turned, walking through to the kitchen. “Did she also tell you to ask about that?”

“Nope,” he replied over his shoulder.

“So why do you want to talk about it?”

“I like you and I like Damon and think you two could be happy if you let yourselves.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re being one of those annoying in-a-relationship people.”

“Because I want you to be happy?”

“Yes. I think I prefer bitter singles. Or bitter people in relationships.”

“Come on, Nell, you’re not fooling anyone anymore.”

I glared. “Fine,
arsehole
, I like him.”

Logan laughed and flicked the kettle on. “Sweetheart, you love him.”

See it was cute when he called Chloe sweetheart and just plain patronising when he called me it. Narrowing my eyes, I stuck my middle finger up. “I like you less and less.”

“No, you don’t. You were Team Logan from the start.”

I dropped my hand and shrugged one shoulder. “You’re hotter than your brother.”

He beamed. “Thank you.”

Why did I even say it? “Anyway! I do not love Damon, I care about him a lot and every day I feel myself truly believing that I won’t turn into my parents, but how can I be in love with someone that I’ve never been with?” I was lying through my teeth but admitting it to a second person meant I couldn’t live in my protective little bubble until I was ready for it to pop. He’d be on my case about as well as Chlo.

He cocked his eyebrow. “Do you believe all of the shit that just spewed from your mouth? Weren’t you the one telling Chloe that she loved me before we were together?”

“That’s different.”

I really don’t know how right now, but it was different.

“Nell, why are you still not admitting the truth to yourself? Or have you?”

Sighing, I dropped down on a chair and banged my head on the table. “Because even though I know I will do absolutely everything in my power to break the abusive relationship cycle in my family, there’s still a chance. I can’t guarantee it won’t happen and that terrifies me.”

“There’s a chance with anyone then. Your parents and grandparents fucked up big time but they could have got help and got out. They
chose
not to. You get a choice too.”

I knew he was right, but sometimes it was hard to take that leap from safety to the unknown. My grandparents hurt each other until they couldn’t even be in the same country anymore, my dad lost his freedom and my mum lost her life. That was my only experience of relationships. Abusive people were my role models growing up and I was terrified that I had that in me somewhere deep down. After all, my mum wasn’t abusive before my dad and visa versa.

“Look, your fears and reservations are understandable, fucking hell are they understandable, but that guy worships you and he would never let things turn out they way it has for them. Trust him, Nell, because no one will ever love you as much as he does.”

“You have no idea how much I hate it when you’re right.”

“You sound so much like Chloe.”

I smiled as he placed a mug of coffee in front of me. “Thanks. How is married life?”

“I love it.”

“Nothing’s changed, has it?”

“No, not at all. I was going to be with her forever no matter what a piece of paper said or what was wrapped around our fingers. I love knowing that she has my surname and the boring legal shit like next of kin but it hasn’t changed our relationship. Not a single fucking thing could do that.”

“You’re so sweet.”

He shrugged. “I just say shit as it is.”

“And such a smooth talker.”

“Now that I would never claim. Apparently I say fuck a lot.”

“No,” I said sarcastically, faking shock.

He held his hands up and tilted his head. “So, what’re you going to do about Damon, Miss Presley?”

I bit my lip and wrapped my hands around the mug. “I want us to be official but I don’t want to jump into the huge commitments, we’re going slow.”

“Where’s the problem with that?”

“Well… He broke things off with me before because I didn’t want anything serious so what if what I can offer right now still isn’t enough?”

“Have you spoken to him about what he wants?”

“Not recently.” He said he was cool with slow. “I hurt him a lot and I think he’s still healing from that. I don’t want to keep bringing it up. He wants us to be official, I know that much, but what if he’s wanting to move in together or… I don’t know.”

“That’s not something I can answer, but Damon can. I’m willing to bet my house on him being okay to take things slow for as long as you need. You’re already giving him everything by opening up enough to properly let him in. He’s not going to push you.”

I knew all this. Damon was amazing and he would never try to push me past what I was ready for but because of his ditching me, I was second-guessing the things I already knew. Shit, I hated being in this situation. I did not have nearly enough sympathy for Chloe while she was agonising over her feelings for Logan. One minute I was sure and the next my head was all over the place.

“Why can’t things ever be straight forward?” I asked.

“Ah, the million dollar question. Want to know my theory?” I nodded. I’d take anything right now. “Life’s a bitch.”

I deadpanned. “That’s it?”

“That’s about the best you’re likely to get. Life is a constant battle, there’s far too much to ever understand. No one will be able to have everything straight. Hold onto the things you
know
. Like your feelings for Damon. You love him, Nell, so focus on that and the rest won’t be quite as much of a headfuck.”