Our Chance (33 page)

“I guess that’s up to the judge. There’s no point in you worrying about that now. It’s out of your hands completely.”

“Right. Except that he’s my dad and I kind of can’t help worrying. But I’m locking it away in a box until I have to deal with it… Until he’s sentenced.”

“Okay. Let’s focus on your mum’s funeral first, give her the goodbye she deserves.”

He was right. I had to make sure Mum got a good send off and avoiding it was pointless. “A coffin. You’ll come with me?”

“I’ll text Chloe and get her to arrange going in later today or tomorrow. You cool with that?” He asked.

I took the mug off the coffee table and held it close. “Yeah, okay. Maybe ask her if she’ll come with me to pick out my mum’s outfit too? No offence, but I think she’ll be more helpful.”

He smiled, slung his arm over the back of the sofa and brushed his fingers through my hair. I leant into his hand and closed my eyes. Being on my own wasn’t what I needed, it was him. When I opened my eyes he was watching me. I saw in his eyes what he felt for me and I no longer felt alone.

“You’re probably right there. I’ll text her now,” he replied, pulling his phone out and typing slowly with his left hand while the right one cupped my jaw and stroked my skin.

“Thanks. Think she’ll be annoyed with me for ignoring her.”

He stopped tapping the screen and looked up. “No, definitely not. No one is annoyed, Nell, we’re just worried and want to help. Chloe hates seeing you struggle through things alone, the same as me.”

“I don’t deserve either of you.”

He clenched his jaw and gripped the phone. His fingers froze on the side of my face. “Don’t
ever
say that again. What a person deserves isn’t based on perfection or dealing with something in the most socially acceptable way. You deserve everything good that happens to you because you’re a good person who struggles with life’s shit the same as the rest of us.”

I licked my lips. He was right, but I still didn’t feel good enough. I’d hurt him and pushed him away. Maybe I deserved to be happy but right now I just felt guilt and loss.

Sipping my coffee, I watched Damon text Chloe with a smile on his face. No doubt he’d told her I let him in and she was pleased I’d ended my hermit stage.

“She said of course she’ll choose an outfit with you and we can swing by this afternoon to pick out a casket. You okay with today?”

I wasn’t really okay with ever doing it, but it needed to be done. “Today is good. Thank you for taking care of me…again.”

He ran his hand from the back of my head, along my jaw and across my bottom lip. “I told you, anytime. Forever.”

Forever. I liked the sound of that.

“Yeah…? You mean that after everything?”

“Our path to each other might not have been straight and smooth but the end result is the same and that’s all that matters.”

“Wow, who knew you could be all romantic,” I teased, kissing the pad of his thumb.

“I’m practically cupid, baby.”

I put my drink down and crawled into his lap. “Damon, I promise that from here on out whatever drama we go through won’t be from me. Well, it might be, I can’t actually promise that, but I mean that it won’t be me legging it drama, okay?”

His arms tightened like a vice. “That’s more than okay. You talk to me and if you need space you can have space. I can give you that but what I can’t do is be shut out.”

“You scare me.”

He paled. “What?”

“I hurt you and you’re sitting here like it never happened. I know a lot of other shit has gone down but that doesn’t mean the past is healed. I’m scared that you’ll resent me. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t need to talk about it but if it’ll put your mind at rest let’s do it. Having you worry that I’m secretly pissed at you still isn’t good for us.”

“Us.” My heart leapt in a good way. “Wow.”

“Not us?”

I shook my head, paused, and then nodded. “There is an us…”

“Slowly?”

“Please.”

“Right,” he replied, smirking. “We’ll take it slow.”

“I’d very much like to do this properly? Like, old fashioned properly, not my version.”

Pouting adorably, he pressed his head against mine. “I happen to like your idea of proper.”

“So do I but I’m feeling kinda vulnerable here.”

“How do we get you to feel as confident and comfortable as you were when we were just fucking?”

“Romance over,” I muttered, making him laugh. “Dates and talking are both a good start. I’ve not done anything exclusive before, so I need to feel my way through this as we go.”

“Feel whatever you want, baby.”

I rolled my eyes. At least he didn’t treat me any differently so I knew right now there was no resentment. “Thanks!”

“Aright. How about we get through your mum’s funeral, make sure you’re really okay, and then I’ll take you out.”

“Sounds good. Mahogany.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Mahogany?”

“The coffin. Mum had God-awful mahogany furniture in a lot of the rooms. I think she’d want to be buried in that.”

He grazed my lips in a soft kiss. “Okay, mahogany it is. I’m sure they’ll have a good selection there.”

Fuck, it was so surreal to choose the last thing someone you loved would rest in, something they’d be in for eternity. The pressure to get his right was ridiculously high. Mum wouldn’t give a single fuck, she was gone, and her spirit or whatever, wouldn’t stand around her grave scowling at the choice of coffin. But it
was
important. It was so important I wanted to run from it again. I wouldn’t.

Enough running.
It was time to face my problems, issues, and heartbreaks head-on. It was time for me to
live
.

Nell

Four days later, Damon still wanted us to be together and I was still all for it. But he seemed too keen for it to be real and I couldn’t help worrying that he was still hurt from before. Because it was so fucking unlike me to worry when I’d been reassured…

I’d give anything to fix that broken wire in my brain so I could take what people said at face value.

Right now though, I had to bury my mum. It was something that I couldn’t quite comprehend. She needed to be lowered into the ground and I had to accept that that was it. Letting go was hard. It was so sudden, and I still expected a call to invite me over for a Sunday roast.

Coming to terms with my mum’s death was hard enough without trying to make a relationship work too. Christ, just going to the shop for milk was too much right now. Still, I was determined not to let her death consume me completely. She wouldn’t want that. As crappy as a parent as she could be, I knew she loved me and wanted the best for me.

It had been six days, and I’d called work to let them know I would be back the Monday following my mum’s funeral.

I left my bedroom still in my pyjamas and made a coffee. Without Damon to talk to and concentrate on I was left with my thoughts again. Thoughts like, did she know she was going to die? Was she scared? Was it really instant? Did Dad try to help her? How had their argument started? Who initiated it?

At nine there was a knock on my front door, and I knew it’d be Chloe. She’d done everything with the funeral, completely took care of it all because I couldn’t. I was not looking forward to the funeral. I didn’t know if Dad would be there. I knew he’d applied or whatever you had to do to ask permission when you were locked up, but I didn’t know if he’d been given permission.

“Morning,” Chloe said, tucking her brown hair behind her ears and then giving me a hug. “How are you?”

“I’m okay, come in. You want coffee? I just made a pot.”

“Yeah, thanks,” she replied and followed me into the kitchen. “Was yesterday with Damon okay? You didn’t call.”

I got her a mug and made her drink. “I was fine. We talked a lot.”

“Yeah? That’s great. We’ve been so worried.”

“I know and I’m sorry for doing that.”

“It’s okay. Are you and Damon…?”

I smirked at her. “We’re good. Really good. It’ll take time but I think we’ll get there.”

She beamed. “You definitely will.”

Yeah, we would. I was sure of that now. I handed her the coffee and sat opposite her at the island, wrapping my hands around my mug.

She nodded and took a sip. “You don’t just have to rely on Damon, you know. You can call if you need me.”

“Thank you. So I was thinking about my mum’s outfit this morning and I don’t need to go through her wardrobe. I know what she’d want to wear.”

Her favourite casual dress. The second the summer hit she was in it until the weather turned again. She loved it and she looked amazing in it. She’d once told me it was the only thing that she felt beautiful in and I wanted her to feel beautiful for eternity.

“That’s great. We can swing by and pick it up later if you want?”

“Sure. The funeral director said he wants it today if possible.”

“Okay.”

“So…is everything set?” For my mother’s funeral. I had no idea how I was going to get through that yet. There were things I had written down to say but the thought of standing up there and saying them made me want to throw up.

“Yes, everything’s done. Me and Logan will pick you up and come back after the wake too.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

She gave me a stern look, her brown eyes narrowing a fraction. “I do and I want to.”

“Is Damon coming?” I asked.

“Why would he?”

She didn’t even get a full head tilt before I said, “Alright, that was stupid. He knows when it is but I didn’t exactly ask him.”

“Why not?”

“Because then he would come.”

“Right.” Frowning, she said, “Isn’t that the point?”

“I don’t want him to feel obligated to come.”

She groaned my name, shaking her head. “Nell, stop. He wants to be there for you and you know that.”

“I hurt him, Chlo. He’s been amazing but I don’t want to push him.”

“What’s he said?”

“That he wouldn’t let me become my parents. He’s all for us making a go of it but right now I have other things to concentrate on. I’m not sure what will happen with Damon yet but when my mind is clear and we both want to, I’ll work at it then.”

She put her mug down. “You are nothing like them and never could be. You’re not selfish,” she said, concentrating on the first part of what I’d said.

“Aren’t I? Look at what happened with Damon.”

“What happened? Come on, you both understood perfectly what the deal between you was. You were always clear about what you wanted from him. He fell for you, of course he did, but you didn’t lead him on. Just continue to be honest about how you feel and what you want.”

“And what if the way I feel now is too blurry.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not blurry and you know it. You love him, you’re just too afraid to admit it and frankly, Nell, you need to give yourself a break. A lot has happened so stop worrying about Damon. Focus on healing after your mum’s death and let the rest happen naturally.”

I managed a smirk. “Do you ever wish you’d taken your own advice when you were working through things with Logan?”

“Oh God, all the time. Things would have been a
lot
easier on us both if I’d stopped panicking and overthinking so much. You need to do the same.”

“Yes, sir,” I replied. “Hey, you think you can help me pick something out for the funeral? I don’t know what to wear.” What was the appropriate outfit for saying goodbye to your mum?

Her face softened and she put her drink down. “Of course I can. Show me the options.”

“Shouldn’t you be working? Or spending time with Logan?”

“No and no.” She held her hand out. “Come on, this outfit isn’t going to pick itself.”

“You’re the best, Chlo.” I took her hand and stood up. Tying my hair up in a band I had on my wrist, I led her into my room.

“You redecorated,” she said, looking around at the cream and chocolate covered walls.

When I fell in love with Damon. “Yeah,” I replied, opening the wardrobe.

“I like it.” She poked her head around my shoulder and immediately tugged on a knee length black dress. “This is nice.”

“My mum didn’t like black.” I turned to her. “Do I have to wear black?”

“Of course not. Wear whatever you like.”

“Her favourite colour was blue.”

“Okay, how about the royal dress.” She picked it off the hanger and handed it to me. “Try it on and see what you think.”

On nights out Chloe and I would have wine, turn music on and help each other choose what to wear. I never imagined I’d be doing the same thing – minus the MTV channel and booze – for Mum’s funeral. Although I could really do with a drink.

Chloe looked through my wardrobe as I shed my PJs and put the dress on. I felt ridiculous. Dresses usually made me feel sexy. I had no make-up on, my hair needed a wash and my legs were starting to sprout tiny hairs. And I had no desire to rectify any of that today.

“Does it look okay? Suitable?” I asked.

Turning around, she smiled with tears in her eyes. “Absolutely. You look nice in blue.”

It was calf length and a little flow-y with short cut off sleeves and a high neckline. “Okay. Thanks. This one then, I guess.”