Our Chance (30 page)

Damon

It was just after eight thirty when I finally got Nell back to my place. She was tired and withdrawn, and I had no idea what to do. It didn’t help that I was shit at lying and she knew what’d I’d been doing before I received Logan’s call.

Carrying her to bed and making her scream wasn’t going to help this time and that was about all I knew what to do with her. That was how we worked. If one of us was having a bad day the other one would use sex to make it better. Our relationship, or however it was defined, didn’t deal with anything serious. I was feeling my way through this one as best I could.

“Do you want anything?” I asked, letting us into my place.

She shook her head, wrapping her arms around her chest and kicking off her shoes. “I just need to sleep.”

“Okay, take my room and I’ll stay on the sofa. The spare room still isn’t done yet.”

“No, I can sleep on the sofa.”

“Not happening, Nell.”

“Just because my mum died doesn’t mean I need to be treated like a fragile princess.”

I didn’t know what to say to that so I ignored it. She probably didn’t even know what she was saying anyway. I wasn’t treating her like she was going to shatter; I would give up my bed for her in any other circumstance.

“Take my room,” I said.

She bit her lip, reached out and grabbed my hand. “Wait. Stay with me. I’m sorry, I know how things are but I don’t want to be alone. Please, just sleep beside me?”

I brushed her long, dark hair behind her shoulder and cupped the side of her jaw. “Of course I’ll stay. Let me take a quick shower and I’ll be in soon.”

Smiling, she stepped back. “You’re giving me time to change, aren’t you?”

“I’m happy to watch but I thought you’d want a minute.” And I need to get all trace of sex with another woman off me.

“I don’t care about you seeing my body, I just don’t want to be alone. I feel like I’m about to fall apart.” I wasn’t sure if she realised she’d just admitted to being the fragile person she apparently wasn’t thirty seconds ago but I let it slide. Whether she liked relying on other people or not, she needed me now and I was going to be there.
I need to shower.
But how could I argue against that?

“And you know you won’t fall apart in front of me because you don’t want me to see your weakness.” Her jaw clenched. “Everyone has weakness, Nell, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Yeah, what’s your weakness?”

My weakness was something I’d been obsessing over for quite a while now. It was something that made me feel on top of the world and completely fucking lost at the same time.

“You,” I replied.

She lowered her head and let her hair fall in her face. “I’m sorry, Damon.”

“Don’t be sorry. Come on let’s get you to bed. You look like you’re going to collapse at any second.”

I took her outstretched hand and she finally raised her eyes. How much could someone take before it changed them? Nell was strong, much stronger than what she gave herself credit for, but things were pretty shitty right now. Not only was she dealing with the loss of her mum but her dad was responsible for her death – intentional or not – and he was facing prison time.

Nell immediately started stripping as soon as I’d closed the bedroom door. For the first time I didn’t want to chuck her on the bed and get hot and sweaty for hours. I wanted to curl myself around her and take away every ounce of pain she was feeling. I wanted to look after her.

She got herself completely naked and then put on one of my t-shirts that was laying on the floor. I realised that I’d been watching her and was still fully dressed so yanked my top over my head so she wouldn’t know. Thinking I was perving on her wasn’t what she needed now, I didn’t want her to think I was after anything.

“Are you getting in?” She asked, claiming my side. We’d slept in the same bed plenty of times before but we’d just fall asleep in whatever our last position was, usually her laying all over me. Under different circumstances I’d roll her over and take my side back.

“Yeah,” I replied, slipping my jeans off and suddenly wishing I’d worn underwear. Not that it really mattered though, she was used to finding nothing under the denim. I got into bed quickly and covered up. “How’re you doing?”

She shrugged one shoulder under the quilt. “It’s not a shock that it ended this way but I’m still shocked. That doesn’t even make sense.”

“It does. I understand what you mean.”

“Dad may have been stronger but Mum was always more violent. I always expected it would be the other way around, that I’d have a call telling me my dad was dead.”

The fact that she even expected a phone call like that was disgusting. I fucking hated what they’d done to her, what they forced her to witness. She deserved much better than that.

“I’m so sorry, Nell,” I said, pulling her into my arms and kissing her forehead.

“It’s okay. Some kids experience worse.”

“Doesn’t make it okay.”

“Maybe not but I can’t do anything to change it. I just wish I was enough to get them to change.”

Oh, no fucking way. “Don’t even go there. Not ever.”

“I’m not playing poor me, Damon, but you’re supposed to do the best for your child.”

“The fact that they didn’t is a reflection on them and not you.”

Sighing, she pressed her face into my chest. “I’m tired.”

I pulled her closer and tucked her head under my chin. Things were going to get harder before they got easier but I was going to make it okay, whatever it took. “Sleep.”

“Thank you for taking care of me,” she whispered.

“Anytime.”
Always.

I woke up to an empty bed. In her absence I’d rolled back over to my side. She was in the kitchen, I could hear her clattering around. Groaning, I ran my hands through my hair and then chucked my jeans on to go and find her.

“Morning,” she said when she saw me walk into the kitchen. She had two pans going, one sizzling with bacon and the other that looked like it was heating beans. Under the grill was a full pack of sausages and she’d got out four slices of break to make toast.

What was going on?

“Hey, what’s all this?”

“I wanted to thank you.”

“You said thank you last night.”

“Okay, then I wanted to do something to thank you.”

I rounded the island and wrapped my arms around her from the back as she went back to cooking. “It’s not necessary but it smells good. How’re you feeling? You going to eat?”

She leant back into me. “I’m not at all hungry but I’ll try to have something.”

It didn’t go unnoticed that she didn’t answer my question about how she was doing. Nell hated to let people see her vulnerable side. I got it, no one liked to burden people or have anyone think they couldn’t cope with life stuff that was inevitable for everyone. No one escaped hard times and loss.

“Go and sit down,” she said, “I’ll bring this over in a minute.”

I rounded the table and sat so I was facing her. She worked a little too efficiently – keeping busy so she didn’t have time to think.

“Nell,” I said as she busied herself plating up breakfast. “Talk to me about how you’re feeling.”

She dropped the bowl of scrambled egg and braced herself on the worktop. Lowering her head she broke down in big, heavy sobs.

My eyes widened in alarm. What the hell have I done? “Hey,” I said, leaping up and striding over. I put my hand on her back and started to pull her towards me. When she felt me touch her she turned and sank into my chest.

“It’s okay,” I whispered. “You’ll be alright, I promise. You don’t have to do things alone anymore, Nell.” Her slender body shook as she cried for the loss of her mum.

She should have never had to deal with what she saw growing up at all, let alone doing it all by herself. I couldn’t even imagine how scared she must have been when her parents fought and how worried she was that things would turn out exactly how they have.

I felt guilty for the incredible childhood my parents gave me. Nell deserved to be cared for and adored the way all children should be by their parents.

Her weight increased as she collapsed a little more against me but she held a back. Still, after everything, she still held back from completely giving herself to me. She knew I wouldn’t drop her, that wasn’t what she was worried about.

“Let go, baby, I’ve got you,” I whispered in her ear.

Her body rocked harder and she shook her head.

“Stop it, Nell. Please trust me. I won’t let anything happen to you. Let go and let me in. I promise you’ll be fine after.”

“Don’t make me, Damon, I can’t,” she sobbed.

Crying harder, her fingernails cutting into my skin through my t-shirt. Whether she was controlling it or not she was letting go. All too slowly she put more weight on me and off herself. I wanted to take it all.

“That’s it,” I said. “I’ve got you. I won’t let go.”

She held herself back and then let everything go. Her sobs were harder, louder and more devastating when she finally opened herself to me. It was a huge breakthrough. Relying on someone else wasn’t easy for her but she’d done it. I had my foot in the door and I wasn’t about to step back and allow her to shove me out and slam it shut.

I turned the gas and grill off, picked her up and carried her through to the living room. My stomach was eating itself but I couldn’t eat a thing at the minute. I laid us both down and curled my legs around hers, holding her safe inside.

There were so many things I wanted to say but nothing would make her feel any better right now so I did nothing but hold her, kiss her head and stroke her hair.

Nell was absolutely everything that was right in my world. She filled all the parts of my life that were missing or incomplete, parts that I didn’t even realise were missing. I would do whatever was needed to heal her heart and make her smile again.

“Sorry,” she said, her breath hitching.

“Don’t ever be sorry with me. I need you to be able to cry on me when you need to. Please don’t fear asking anything from me, Nell, because I’ll give it to you.”

She pressed her face into my chest and said, “I’m not scared of you saying no I’m scared of me saying yes. I don’t depend on anyone. I don’t need anyone.”

“Maybe you don’t but things are a million times easier when you do. You can’t be a one person team forever, as much as you want to.”

I ran my hand through the endless mass of wavy black hair. She made me only want to be with her. I thought I’d seen her vulnerable before but this was on a completely different level.
This Nell closed every door that led to me wanting a shag with anyone else, ever again. I loved her so much and I was hers. Exclusively.

It was day two with her at my place and I didn’t know what to do with her. She was so broken I felt lost. This morning she’d started to apologise for getting in the way. She was the exact opposite of in the way and that was kind of the problem.

Chloe knew what to say better than me so I was grateful for each time she popped over.

“Do you need me to call work for you?” I asked as Nell stared at her untouched coffee.

“I called already, but thanks,” she replied. “I’ll get out of your hair today.”

“You’re not in the way. You can stay as long as you like. I want to help.”

She finally looked up and smiled. Her now dark green eyes almost looked the way they used to before she lost her mum. “Thank you, I really appreciate it, Damon, but I should go home.” She sounded regretful.

“Why don’t you stay here today and I’ll take you home tonight if you still want to go?” There was absolutely no reason at all why I couldn’t take her back now other than I just didn’t want to, so I hoped she wouldn’t ask.

“You want me to hang around your flat all day? I’ll drive you insane.”

She already did but not in the way she was talking about.

“We’ve hung out plenty of times and I’ve not wanted to strangle you yet. Stay here and I’ll drive you back later.”

“Thank you.” She wrapped her hands around the mug and bit her full lip. “I don’t know how to arrange a funeral.”

“It’s okay,” I said, “You won’t be doing it alone. Chloe is on top of things. I know she’d take over completely if you can’t.”

She didn’t have anyone on her mum’s side of the family that could do it and her dad’s were less than forthcoming. Nell shook her head. “I can’t expect her to do that.”

“You’re not expecting or asking, she’s offering. We all just want to make this as easy on you as possible.” I grabbed the mug from her hand and she let go. “This is cold, I’ll make you a fresh one.”

I hated how much she was hurting and wanted to demand she stopped looking so fucking sad. I flicked the coffee machine on and made Nell a cappuccino.

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

She’s be able to see me from the living room but my back was turned to her and it was a good thing. My jaw snapped together, fingers tightened around the mug. I couldn’t deny that she’d broken my heart, smashed it into tiny fragments, but I loved her and nothing was going to change that.

“Why do you think?” I asked, trying to keep the anger from my voice.

Shaking her head, she replied, “I honestly don’t know anymore, Damon.”