Our Chance (27 page)

She was right, of course. We all put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect and be everything others expect of us. Perfect is impossible, I was a glowing example of that.

“Yes!” I said, throwing my free hand up. “I’m Nell and I’m imperfect but I’ve never committed murder so get over it.”

Chloe laughed. “You can’t compare not wanting a relationship to murder.”

“Yes, I can. Murder is worse.”

“Not denying that but–”

“Ah ah! Don’t mess with my mojo here. I got this, Chlo.”

“Alright, fine. As long as you’re back to your old self I don’t care what ridiculous methods you use to justify things.”

Neither did I, because I was human and everyone else could fuck off. For the first time since Damon cut me out of his life I felt relatively hopeful. I still missed him much more than I even thought possible but, in time, I’d be okay. That was how it went, right? You had someone, you lost them, and you moved on. All I had to do was focus on other things until it didn’t hurt to think about him. I could do that.

“I’ll speak to you later, Chlo,” I said, pushing the door to KFC open. I wasn’t okay enough to swap greasy chicken with a healthy wrap or sandwich.

“Bye,” she said, still laughing a little.

My perky mood lasted until I got back to work and Reg started to be a prick. All afternoon I spent running around after him, usually making coffee, and booking dinner reservations. Dinner. That wasn’t work related so why did the lazy shit think it was okay to get me to do it? I hated him more than normal and I knew it was because of the whole he-who-I-didn’t-want-to-think-of situation.

When I got home, I walked out of my shoes, dropped my bag and jacket onto the floor and headed to my bedroom to change into some pyjamas. I was done with the day and just wanted to do nothing but lounge on the sofa and eat.

I slumped down with a share size packet of crisps when I was in my fairisle onesie and flicked the TV on. There was just shit on but that was okay because I didn’t want to be engrossed with anything. For a while I just wanted to exist.

Ten minutes in I decided, against my better judgement, to Facebook stalk Damon. I would just check my newsfeed and if he was on it I would allow myself to visit his profile. Yeah, that was perfectly reasonable. Yeah.

I scrolled down the list of people sharing random shit, a few unexplained rants, two people letting the world know what they were eating and Chloe checking in at some restaurant Logan took her to.

Nothing from Damon. Had he deleted me? I wanted to check. I shouldn’t break my own only-if-he-was-in-the-feed rule and check. But who was I kidding. I typed his name in and clicked his profile.

What had I become?

We were still friends. I scrolled down and noticed his last activity was being tagged in Steph’s photos. He was standing too close to her, looking buzzed on alcohol. His dark hair was messy and I didn’t want to know why.

The post was dated the night after he ended things with us. He’d gone out the night after he’d told me he loved me. What the fuck was that?

I was angry. Real, pure, steaming coming from ears, irrationally angry. I tried to suppress it but I couldn’t and felt like crying. He wasn’t mine, never had been but if he could move on so quickly after confessing
love
then what did that say about me?

Of course I was being absolutely idiotic right now. So he went out. He was hurt and letting off steam. But I never wanted to hurt him and I knew he wouldn’t want to fuck someone else yet. Well, I hoped he wouldn’t.

Flicking through the photos extinguished some of my anger but filled the void with guilt. He looked miserable.

Why can’t I be normal?

The last picture made my stomach roll. I wanted to hurl my phone at the wall. In the background of Steph and some other girl’s selfie was Damon with his tongue down another woman’s throat.

I swallowed what felt like a fucking rugby ball and scalding pain spread through my entire body. He was under no obligation to be faithful to me, never had, but I expected more from him I guess. I hated that that was the last picture too. What happened after? Did he take her home?

Curling into a ball, I stared at the picture, unable to stop punishing myself and look away. Did she wake up in his bed wrapped in his naked body? I scrubbed my eyes and took a few deep, shaky breaths.

Because I was hurt and angry and not at all thinking like a normal person right now, I dialled his number. There was no doubt that I would regret this tomorrow but right now I needed to tell him how I felt.

“Nell,” he said, greeting me like and old acquaintance.

“Did you fuck her?”

Oh, way to go, Nell.

“Excuse me?”

“The girl you were trying to swallow in the club, did you take her home?” Somewhere between losing my clearly tiny mind and calling him in the first place and snapping the word ‘fuck’ I started to cry. It felt like an explosion of emotion that I’d never experienced before and didn’t fully understand, all I knew was that it had to come out or I’d combust.

“What girl?” He snapped back.

“The one in the picture on Facebook.”

He was silent for a minute and I wasn’t sure if he was going to talk to me about it, tell me it was none of my business and hang up, or question my sanity over checking up on him. I was going to do option C the second we got off the phone.

“You’ve been checking up on me on Facebook?”

“No, of course not,” I said as if he’d accused me of wanting to sleep with his dad. And I was lying through my teeth but I couldn’t admit to him that I was totally keeping tabs on him. “Jesus Christ, Damon, a few days ago you were telling me you wanted to settle down.”

“And if remember correctly, Nell,
you
told me you didn’t want to.”

“That’s not the point.
I’ve
not been out mashing my face against some guy’s!”

He groaned and I felt the sound shake my very soul. I hated hurting him.

“Why are we doing this? You have no right to confront me for kissing someone else,” he said. It was true but his words cut deep and kicked me in the stomach. Big, fat tears rolled down my cheeks.

“I know that.” Of course I knew and that made it worse somehow. I wanted the right but I couldn’t take it. “I just…”

Just what? There was no suitable answer for that. Not one that wouldn’t hurt us both even more anyway.

“I’m sorry,” I said, silently crying in defeat.

“Don’t be sorry, Nell, just figure out what the fuck you want. If it’s not me the way I need us to be, then delete me from your life and social media.”

“So, this is really an all or nothing deal?”

“I love you, for fuck sake!” He shouted. “How am I supposed to be your
friend
?”

God I wish he wouldn’t say that. It made me whole and tore me apart at the same time. “I shouldn’t have called. I won’t do it again,” I said, pressing end call just in time to fold over and sob into my poor, poor cushion.

Nell

I hated missing Damon. I hated myself for not being able to get my love life together. Or even my life together. I hated that he could be with another woman. And I hated my parents. Everything felt colder and darker. I had no idea how much happiness and light he brought before he was gone and it was too late.

I sat at my dingy desk after making The Ogre his second coffee of the hour. I’d never felt so low or like such a complete failure before.

Opening my drawer, I got my phone out to check my personal emails to see if anyone had offered me an amazing job for ten times what I was earning here. No such luck. And nothing from him. Not that I expected it. Ending things was ultimately my idea but here I was hoping he would make contact. I was desperate for something.
Anything.

Chloe had spoken to him a few times. She didn’t divulge much and that made me want to shine a bright light in her eyes and demand she told me every little detail. But I was afraid. Afraid that she would tell me he was coping and afraid that she would tell me he wasn’t. I’d hurt him but I couldn’t hear someone tell me how much, not again.

I gripped my phone in my hands, wanting to reach out to him. If I could flick a switch and have everything go back to how it was before we parted ways I’d do it. When he walked out of my life he took something with him, something big, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to live with that.

Not wanting to be
that
woman, I pushed the longing from my mind, put the phone down and carried on. I didn’t
need
anyone. My chest may well feel hollow but my heart still pumped and I still breathed. I’d be fine.

Ten minutes into sorting The Ogre’s diary for the next week I got a call on the phone I was trying to ignore. No one called me during work hours. And my blood chilled when I saw it was Nan calling.

“Hello?” I said.

“Nell, it’s nan,” she said, still in times where you didn’t have a screen to tell you who was calling. “Where are you?”

This was now officially weird, and I felt slightly sick. It wasn’t time for her monthly catch up call for another week and she always preferred to call me on the landline rather than mobile. “At work, why? What’s going on?”

“Okay, love. I’m going to come and pick you up,” she said softly.

“Why?” I asked, standing up. I had a pit in my stomach the size of the Titanic. Something was really wrong. “I don’t need picking up, I have my car. Why would you need to pick me up?”

“Love, I really think it’s best if I come and get you.”

“O-Okay,” I whispered, placing my hand on the desk as I felt my body sway. Nan hung up but I kept the phone to my ear. Ice pricked my skin. She didn’t live far from my office so she wouldn’t be long – if she was coming from her house.

Lowering the phone, I let it drop on the desk and then walked through to The Ogre’s office.

“Reg, my nan’s coming to pick me up,” I said, curling my fingers into my palms.

“Why?” He asked, frowning. His forehead wrinkled, creating deep waves of skin.

I shook my head. “I…I don’t know. Something’s really wrong but she didn’t say.” Why I thought I’d get any comfort telling him I had no idea. I wanted and needed
someone to tell me I was panicking over nothing and that the ice-cold fear I felt was unnecessary. Reg was never
going to do that for me. I know who I needed and he was the one person I couldn’t call. He’d told me to stay away.

“Well, let me know before you leave.”

Wanker. “Sure,” I said in a daze and turned around, going back into my office.

Something is very, very wrong and I think I know what.
I’ve always known, so why was I in shock?

I sat down at my desk and carefully placed my phone in my handbag. Gripping the handles between my fists, I watched the clock tick by. She wouldn’t be long. Soon I would know what’d happened. Soon my worst fears would undoubtedly be realised.

“Nell,” Harry snapped. “Someone’s here for you. In future can you save personal calls for your lunch break?”

I ignored him completely as I stood from my desk and walked out. I didn’t have the energy to worry about them at the minute. Nan was outside reception. She looked awful, had clearly been crying and was pacing back and forth.

“Nan,” I said, bursting through the doors. “What’s happened?”

Which one of them?

“Oh, Nell,” she said, falling into my arms and sobbing. “I’m so sorry, darling, but it’s Mum.”

I went through the motions of pulling her back and asking what’d happened, I got in the car with her, put my seatbelt on, and turned the dial to full heat. I was so cold I couldn’t stop shivering.

“Nan, I need to know what happened,” I said calmly.

“There was an incident.” There was always an incident. “They were upstairs when things got out of hand. I don’t know what happened next but your mum fell down the stairs.”

They were throwing punches and didn’t think about where they were.

“Fell? She fell?”

“Love, I’m so sorry.”

The air was sucked from my lungs and I doubled over. It hurt so much I felt like I was being ripped apart. “No… No, she can’t be.”

“Nelly…”

My mother was dead. I squeezed my eyes closed and leant against the window. It hurt so bad. “But… Fuck! Why? I don’t understand why they couldn’t just stay away. I asked them, pleaded with them, so many times,” I said, breaking into chest rattling sobs. “She can’t be dead.”

“Shh, lovey, you’re going to be okay,” she replied, forcing her words through thick emotion.

“What happened?” I sobbed.

“They were arguing and it got out of hand. Dad… Your dad is in custody.”

Fucking hell.

“I promise you’ll be okay.”

How was that true? One of my parents was lying on a cold slab of metal and the other was behind bars. I had no idea how to handle the situation or what I should feel other than utter despair. There were so many questions flying through my head, so much guilt I carried for not doing more to make them stay apart.

My parents were okay on their own but together they were toxic and they didn’t care about anything or anyone around them – not even their own daughter.

I sat in Nan’s car trying to piece everything together. How it happened. What would happen next? How I was going to get through losing them both. How I would find the strength to say goodbye to my mum and even accept that I wouldn’t see her again. Every painful question had the same agonising answer:
I don’t know.