Our Father Who Are Out There...Somewhere (19 page)

Stuart nods towards Jo as Fiona puts her arm around him; Jo’s bleached hair is standing upright on her head like its frightened, and her face seems to have lost some of its colour. “I think you’ll be going it alone next time.”

 “Oh look, there’s a cash point. Hang on,” says Fiona already running off towards the machine. “It’s the least he can do,” she says as she walks back to them, stuffing another wad of notes into her purse. “This is our first family day out. Hey, maybe we should go to the zoo tomorrow.”

They all laugh as Fiona starts singing, “Daddy’s taking us to the zoo tomorrow, the zoo tomorrow, the zoo tomorrow,” as she skips up the concrete path towards the ghost train. Lily starts to pray that Fiona won’t want her to ride that. She’s had a phobia about ghost trains ever since she went on one with Gail Foley at Burnley fair. Her parents had taken them over for the trip, now she comes to think of it, her last family day out, albeit with someone else’s family. How old had she been? About ten probably. Something, someone had jumped out at her half way round and fondled her non-existent left breast in the pitch black.

“Hey look, the log flume.” Fiona turns back to the others and points across to the left. “Come on Lily, you can’t say no to that.”

Lily smiles with relief and follows her younger sister up the ramp. Fiona and Lily share a log. It wobbles furiously as Lily steps inside. She feels excitement welling up inside her, making her feel like a kid. As the ride starts its climb, she feels the adrenaline rush into her stomach.

As they career down the last water chute a flash goes off, and by the time they disembark there’s an image of them on the screen above the pay desk. It shows Lily in the front of the car, her body rigid and the smile on her face tense, while Fiona sits behind her, her arms wrapped around Lily’s neck, her head lent against her elder sister, mouth open with shouts of laughter. Lily orders a print to be sent to Stuart’s flat.

It’s almost dusk when Jo and Fiona race against each other on the Grand National steeplechaser. Stuart persuades Lily to ride the Derby Racer, which is like the carousel only faster, but by now Lily feels like a seasoned thrill seeker. Her cheeks are bright pink and her pupils wide, when the ride ends and she steps off. Stuart pushes a dreadlock off her face and tucks it behind her ear.

“Come on,” says Jo, coming up behind them. “Let’s go and get something to eat.”

They buy bags of warm potatoes in their skins, doused in vinegar, and wander out, back on to the front. “I want to go on the beach,” says Lily.

“Are you crazy? It’s freezing,” says Jo, but Lily is already crossing the road.

“Watch out for the tram,” shouts Stuart.

Lily runs across the tram line and down the steps to the beach. As soon as she is on the sand, she sits down and unlaces her boots. By the time the other three have joined her, she’s running barefoot towards the sea, the legs of her tight black trousers scrunched up over her calves. She screams as she feels the cold sea water on her toes.

They make their way along the edge of the beach, back to the car, pushing each other into the freezing surf, and screaming with laughter. Lily yells as Stuart tries to trip her up in the sand, her hair is flying around her shoulders, whipping her face like wet rope; the stinging sensation a mixture of pleasure and pain.

“Come on,” says Jo, pulling herself out of the sand. “We’d better get back on the front or we’ll miss last orders.”

“We can’t go in a pub looking like this, look at us.” Stuart points to his jeans that are wet to the knees. His turn-ups are filled with sand.

“But we haven’t had a drink today.”

“We’ve got vodka back at the flat,” says Lily. “We can have a drink when we get home. I’m freezing.”

Lily slumps across the back seat on the journey home, with her head in Fiona’s lap. Fiona does her best to stroke Lily’s hair, but it’s almost solidified; full of sand and sea salt. “I could have a go at sorting out your hair you know,” Fiona speaks quietly, so that only Lily can hear her. “If you wanted. It’s a bit, sticky.”

Lily tries to open her eyes, but her lids are too heavy. “I’d like that.”

Stuart and Jo carry Lily from the car when they get back to Lancaster. She barely moves; and the two of them lift her easily. As Fiona unlocks the front door, Stuart puts his arm under Lily’s legs. “I can manage,” he tells Jo, and Jo lets go of Lily’s feet, so that Stuart carries Lily like a child up the stairs and into her bedroom. Jo follows behind them. Stuart lays Lily down on the bed. “I think you’d better get her pyjamas on.”

Jo pulls a face at him, as she falls like a log onto the bed next to Lily. Her eyes close as soon as she hits the pillow. Stuart pulls the duvet over Lily’s legs and leaves the room.

Fiona is waiting for him outside his bedroom door. She takes his hand and pulls him inside. “Fiona, I’m knackered.”

Fiona leads him over to the bed. “Then lie down and close your eyes.”

Lily doesn’t know why she is awake, as it’s not even light outside. She tries to remember how she got to bed, but no matter how hard she tries, nothing comes to her. Ironic that the first night she goes to bed sober in years, she can’t remember the first thing about it. She spends ten minutes trying to work out what day it is. Sunday. She scratches her head and her hair moves in one solid lump, like a piece of cardboard. Lily swings her legs out of the bed, glances over at Jo who is still fast asleep, and creeps across the bedroom and down the stairs. She grabs the scissors from the kitchen and locks herself in the bathroom. One by one she holds each dreadlock up in front of the mirror and then chops it off.

Afterwards, she’s startled by what she’s done. Her hair springs from the top of her head like the cork has been pulled from a bottle of champagne. She can’t remember ever having curls; it’s like her hair is jumping for joy at being freed from the weight it’s carried for so long. She tugs at it with her fingers, trying to uncurl it and make it longer at the same time. She wants a cigarette but she’s too scared to leave the bathroom, in case the others are up. Footsteps sound in the hall outside and then someone tries the door handle.

“Who’s in there? I need to wee.”

Lily opens the door and Fiona dashes past her, bleary eyed. It’s only after she has sat down on the toilet and started emptying her bladder, that Fiona looks up at Lily.

“Oh my God.”

“I look ridiculous.”

“No.” Fiona tries to form her lips into a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. We can sort it out. Wait here.” Moments later, Fiona returns with a pair of smaller scissors and locks the bathroom door again.

Fiona wraps a towel around Lily’s shoulders and leads her over to the sink. She pours jug after jug of warm water over Lily’s head, shampooing and conditioning what little hair remains. When she’s finished, she puts the toilet seat down, and sits Lily down as she gently massages her hair dry. Fiona’s tongue protrudes between her lips as she combs and cuts Lily’s hair into something resembling a style. Half an hour later, Fiona stands back and sighs. “There.”

They stand side by side in the mirror, and four identical brown eyes stare back at them. “I think you need a bit of make-up to carry off such a short cut.”

Fiona shows Lily how to apply a bit of mascara. “Don’t go mad now,” says Lily. “I don’t want to look stupid.”

But she doesn’t, Lily realises, when she looks back in the mirror. She looks cleaner, sharper, like the camera’s lens has been focussed.

Stuart and Jo are both in the kitchen when Fiona and Lily finally leave the bathroom, satisfied with the new look Lily. “God, Lily,” says Jo. “You’re much better looking than I thought you were.”

Stuart puts the milk back in the fridge and hands Jo a mug of tea. He doesn’t look at Lily.

After breakfast, they convene in the front room. Fiona sits on Stuart’s lap and says, “Stuart’s had a great idea for where to meet Dad.”

Jo and Lily look at Stuart, waiting for him to speak. He shifts the weight of Fiona onto one leg so that he can lean forward slightly in the armchair. “There’s this churchyard,” he says. “It’s in a village, not far from Skipton. I used to cycle up there a lot, and it was always deserted. It is at the top of a very steep hill, overlooking the valley. I thought it would be good because you can see for miles around, and there’s only one road up to it.”

“Show us where it is.” Jo passes him the map and Stuart points out a road to the west of Skipton.

“It’s where that cross is, that’s the church.”

“Fine,” says Lily. “Tell him I’ll meet him there. Once he gives me the money, I’ll go back to ‘the kidnappers’ and Fiona will be released.”

“I can hide my bike somewhere nearby,” says Stuart, “and then once you’ve got the cash, just jump on the bike; it’s downhill all the way. If he tries to follow you, there’s loads of bridle paths; he won’t be able to keep up with you. We can meet you somewhere at the bottom of the hill.”

“And what then?” asks Fiona. She reaches across the table and takes the cigarette from between Jo’s lips. “I’m not going home.”

“You’ve got to finish school, Fiona,” Lily says, “please. I couldn’t live with what I’ve done if your life messes up because of me. Can’t you just go back for six months, finish your GCSEs and then, maybe you could go to college or something? But you’ve got to do your exams.”

Jo lights another cigarette and shakes out the match. Smoke billows from her mouth as she speaks, “Listen, if you don’t go home after we collect the money, Lily will go to prison.”

“But what will I say to him?”

“Whatever you want,” says Lily. “You can tell him it was me; I don’t give a shit. He can have the cash back. But you have to give him a chance, Fi. You can’t just disappear. You love him.”

“No I don’t. I hate him.”

Lily holds her arms out. “You loved him before all this.”

“Before I found out he was a complete liar, you mean? You don’t know what he’s like. When I was eight he made me go back into Woolworths because I’d pinched a white chocolate mouse out of the pick and mix. I couldn’t resist it. He made me tell the security guard and all three of the women on the checkouts what I’d done. ‘Honesty is the best policy’ he said.”

“You haven’t given him the chance to explain. Everyone deserves that.”

“He didn’t give you the chance. Why are you defending him now?” Fiona stands up and walks over to the fireplace. “I get it. You want to ditch me now you think you might get your hands on the cash?”

“Shut up.” Stuart stands up and grabs one of Fiona’s arms. “That’s really not fair, Fiona.”

Tears start to fall down Fiona’s face. She turns to Lily. “What about me and you?”

Stuart lets Fiona’s arm fall and Lily takes his place. She puts her arms around her younger sister. “We can see each other as often as you want. You can come to…” Lily pauses, realising she doesn’t know where she lives anymore, “me.”

“What if he doesn’t let me?” Fiona wails. She hesitates as the realisation dawns. “He can’t stop me now.”

“Exactly, you’re almost sixteen. I want to be sisters forever. If it means waiting a few months, or even a couple of years, til you’re eighteen, so what? I’ve been waiting my whole life. And at least I know you now.”

As Fiona and Lily hug, Jo looks at the clock and glances over to Stuart. He nods.

“Ok, I’m going to chance one of the phone boxes in town.” Jo pulls on her donkey jacket. “Give me the map. You’d better come too, Fiona. Just in case he wants some proof you’re still alive.”

Jo presses fifty pence into the slot as the phone is answered. She gives him the time, the instructions, the place. “If the police are there, you won’t see her again.”

“I want to speak to her.”

Jo passes the receiver to Fiona. Fiona turns her back to Jo, her voice instantly breathless again, “Daddy?”

Jo snatches the phone back. “Two o’clock tomorrow. Alone. Don’t make me hurt her.”

Stuart lies on his back, his right arm bent behind his head, Fiona asleep next to him. She’s sprawled across the bed, taking up way more than her fair share, but he hasn’t the heart to move her. Her left arm is draped over his chest. He picks it up gingerly and slides his body out from underneath, replacing it on the bed when his feet are on the floor. He pulls his dressing gown from the hook on the back of the bedroom door and goes downstairs. Lily is sitting at the kitchen table, smoking a spliff. Stuart smiles at her, “Can’t sleep either?”

Lily doesn’t answer, but glances up at the clock on the kitchen wall, it’s quarter to five. Stuart flicks the switch on the side of the kettle and it starts to boil immediately. He looks across at Lily. “Are you having second thoughts?”

“When I was a kid I thought everything would be alright once I left home. You know, once I was away from my mum.”

Stuart comes to sit at the table with her. Lily moves her chair so that they’re not directly opposite each other, so that she isn’t face to face with him.

“From what Fiona’s said, I think I’d have thought the same too.”

“Every other kid on my estate left school at sixteen. They used to rip the piss out of me for doing ‘A’ levels.”

“Yeah, well I bet they’re not laughing so much now.”

“I had this teacher, Miss Lewis; she kept on at me to go to college. She knew things weren’t great at home. She said I’d have the world at my feet if I got to college. She said I’d meet all these interesting people, my life would change. She was so passionate about it. I didn’t want to let her down, although it freaked me out, her passion. I’m not used to passion.”

Stuart doesn’t speak, but he nods at her, encouraging her to go on.

“But life didn’t change. I met Jo. That’s the one good thing, but the rest is just the same. Accrington, Leeds. It’s just the same. School, poly. It’s still a bunch of people telling you what to think.”

“Do you miss your mum?”

“I never had a mum. She left me. Just like my dad. He left for another woman; my mum left for a doner kebab and a crate of Special Brew.”

“It’s hardly free choice though, is it? No one chooses to be an addict.”