Our Father Who Are Out There...Somewhere (22 page)

“Hi, what’s happening?” Jo’s voice sounds croaky.

“Oh. Jo, hi.” Lily crouches down on the floor, feeling the icy draft coming up the stairs, on her bare skin. “Nothing, just doing the laundry, you know. When are you coming back?”

“I just got up. I didn’t get here till nearly three. And Our Ste’s coming over this evening, bringing his new girlfriend, so my mum wants me to stay. I think she’s worried they might start shagging under the dining table. Do you mind? I mean if I stay another night? Are you ok?”

“Yeah, fine. Did you put the money in the bank?”

“No, that’s another thing I’ve got to do today.”

Lily shivers.

“You sure you’re going be ok?”

Lily looks up at the ceiling. “Yeah, I’m fine I said.”

When Stuart arrives home at ten past four, Lily is sitting in the front room, an empty packet of milk chocolate digestives and a half bottle of vodka in front of her, watching Ricki Lake. The curtains are almost closed, and the room is thick with smoke.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Lily doesn’t turn around.

“How was your day?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “Ok.”

“Did Fiona ring?”

Lily shakes her head.

Stuart picks up the remote control and switches off the television. “Why don’t you get a nice warm bath and I’ll make us some food?”

“I already had a bath this morning.”

“It’ll make you feel better. I’ll go and turn the taps on.” He picks up the vodka bottle off the coffee table in front of her, screws the top back on and takes it with him. Lily waits a moment and then fires the remote control at the television.

Ten minutes later Stuart is back. He moves around the settee, switches the TV off at the set and stands in front of it, his arms folded across his chest.

“What?”

“Bath. Go on, it’s run. What time’s Jo coming back?”

“Tomorrow.”

When she gets out of the bath, her head wrapped in a towel, Stuart has set the table, opened a bottle of wine and a candle burns from an old wine bottle in the centre of the table. He has Tracy Chapman on the stereo and is wearing an apron with ‘don’t mess with the chef’ written on the front. “I’ve made us baked bean lasagne. Sorry, the cupboards are a bit bare. I hope you’re hungry.”

Lily has never done this before in the whole of her life; sat down to eat with one other person, facing each other. There’s something so intense about it, she’s not sure she’s up to it. “Where did you learn to cook?”

“My mum, she’s the best cook.”

Lily tries to imagine her mother passing on any recipe tips. ‘So, you need to take one box of fish fingers, weigh out one packet of oven chips, add a pinch of salt and…’ Lily takes a seat at the table and starts fiddling with her cutlery. The kitchen is warm, the worktops are clear and the washing up done.

Stuart places a full plate of lasagne in front of her, garnished with a side salad of rocket leaves and baby tomatoes. Lily takes a first tentative bite. What if she hates it? She’s scared she might choke, her mouth is dry and the thought of trying to get something down her throat, terrifying. She lays down her fork and reaches instead for her glass. Red wine. She takes a huge gulp to try and steady herself. In the background ‘Baby Can I Hold You’ plays. Absent-mindedly, Lily sings along, the tune so familiar to her, she knows the words without thinking. “Forgive me, is all that you can’t say. Years go by and still, words don’t come easily.” She looks up briefly and sees Stuart staring at her, with such a gentle look in his eyes, that she forgets for a moment to be scared. She picks up her fork and puts it to her mouth and this time she enjoys the sensation, the taste. She takes another mouthful of wine. “Why hasn’t Fiona rung, do you think?”

“They’ve got a lot to sort out,” says Stuart. “She’s always been a daddy’s girl. They’ll have to work it out, one way or another. She won’t be able to stay mad at him for long.”

Lily’s chin drops a couple of inches. “Oh.”

“I mean, she’ll give him hell, don’t worry about that. Having to acknowledge that what her dad’s done to you challenges everything she believes in. Her dad was always the one that stayed home. Her mum is a complete workaholic. It’s weird; she’s not interested at all in what Fiona’s up to, whereas her dad’s obsessed. ”

“Do you think she’ll have told him what happened? That it was me?”

Stuart sits down at the table opposite her and Lily moves her head so that her eyes are turned to the door. “I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that if she hasn’t already, sooner or later she will. Fiona’s honest to the point of brutality. I think it’s been really good for her, all this. I mean apart from gaining a sister, because her dad’s fallen off the pedestal she always had him on.”

Lily rubs her forehead and reaches for her wine glass.

“It’s good for both of them,” Stuart says. “They’ll have to have a more grown-up relationship now, and I’m sure they will. Now she knows he’s flawed. That’s no bad thing.”

“I know why you’re pleased she’s not such a daddy’s girl anymore.”  

Stuart’s cheeks flush as he takes a mouthful of wine. “We’ve been seeing each other for over a year. Although ‘seeing each other’ is a bit misleading; her dad rarely lets her out of his sight anyway.”

Lily holds up her hands. “It’s none of my business. Sorry I shouldn’t have said…”

“We probably shouldn’t have done it.” Stuart stands up and takes his hardly touched meal over to the sink. He leans his back against the worktop and runs both his hands through his hair. “I know it was only two days ago, but a lot’s changed since then.”

“It’s obvious she has no regrets, so you shouldn’t have either. I wish my first time had been like that.” Lily tries to laugh. “I’m surprised I ever had sex again.”

Stuart looks at her, waiting for her to say more.

She takes another mouthful from her wine glass. “I don’t want to talk about it. Can I have more?”

Stuart’s brow crinkles into a frown.

“Wine,” she shrieks. Stuart smiles and fills her glass. Lily takes another gulp of wine. God she’s shit at this conversation stuff. Lily forces a forkful of lasagne into her mouth, trying to push the food around her plate to make it look like she has eaten more than she has. “Wow, that was delicious. Shall I wash up?”

“No, let’s go and sit down for a bit.” He ushers her through to the front room and lights a few more candles, while Lily flops onto the settee, undoing the button on her tight black trousers.

“So,” he says coming to sit beside her, bringing with him her glass of wine, “you’re a woman of substance now. What will you do with the money?”

Lily sighs. “I don’t know. I guess this is my inheritance. My mum didn’t leave me anything, so I should be a bit sensible. I might go on holiday. What would you do with seventy-five thousand pounds?”

“Oh something boring, probably. I’d use it as a deposit to buy a house. Stop me having to hand over all my hard earned cash to a money grabbing landlord, who does nothing in return.”

Lily’s struck by the decisions that lay before her. Where would she buy a house? She has no ties to anywhere really. Will she go back to Leeds and carry on where she left off? Accrington is hardly appealing. She realises how alone she is, and her throat tightens.

Stuart puts his arm around her shoulders. “Hey, don’t get sad. It must be so weird not having family, even though all mine do is drive me crazy. Don’t think about it now. There’s too much to take in. You can stay here as long as you want you know. I was wondering what I’d do for Christmas, it’s only a week away.”

“What about your parents? Don’t you have to go and see them?”

“They’ve gone to stay with my sister in Mexico. She emigrated about eight years ago, and now she’s married to a Mexican guy. They had a baby girl this year. My mum and dad are over the moon about their first grandchild. There’s no way they’d miss her first Christmas. They’ve gone about three times over the baggage allowance with toys. God knows what Mexican customs will make of them.”

“So you’ve got no one to spend Christmas with either?”

He shakes his head. “Graham, that’s my eldest brother, is skiing and George, my other brother, is backpacking in Thailand.”

“Blimey. You’re all well travelled.”

“Well, my dad’s a journalist, so we were dragged all over the place when we were younger, and I guess it becomes a habit. But before your heart breaks, don’t feel too sorry for me. There’s an invitation from my Aunt Dorothy, to go round to theirs for turkey and the trimmings. But my cousins are probably the most boring kids you’re ever likely to meet. Tom plays the viola. Have you ever met anyone who plays the viola?” He shakes his head. Then a thought occurs to him. “You could come with me if you like though. It might be fun if you were there.”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Or, we could just stay here. Maybe persuade Fiona and Jo to join us after they’ve done their family bit. Just don’t leave.” The words fall out of his mouth too quickly. He takes a deep breath. “I mean, I don’t want you to go yet. I’ve been preparing myself for a lonely few weeks, and then you three arrived and now I don’t want to go back to being lonely again.”

Lily looks up at him and something happens in her stomach. She may be about to be sick. “Shit.”

Stuart stares at her for a long time and then he leans forwards and kisses her, on the mouth. It’s more of a brush with his lips than a kiss at first, but Lily is so scared of what will happen when it stops, that she starts kissing him back. They kiss for a long time, Lily’s eyes tightly closed.

She pulls away. “Fuck, what are we doing? Stop.”

“I absolutely love you.” He stares unwavering into her eyes. “I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. I’ve never been moved by anyone, the way I am with you. The first time I saw you on the front street, the way you walk…”

Lily’s eyes are itching; no one’s ever told her they love her before. She curls into a ball. Stuart pours her another glass of wine. “What about Fiona? You’re her boyfriend.” She sits up to accuse him. Men, they’re all the same. Always want what they haven’t got.

“I know.” He closes his eyes, head tilted to the ceiling. He sighs. “I think she’s great. She’s spirited and energetic and ready to take on the world. She’s had everything you haven’t, Lily. And before I met you, I thought I loved her. I do love her, but it’s not like I love you.”

“Stop saying that.” She pulls a cushion over her head.

“I love you, Lily.” 

“You don’t know me,” is Lily’s muffled response.

“I didn’t choose to feel like this.” Stuart stands up. “It would be much easier for me if I didn’t feel the way I do about you, but I do. I can’t help it. I’ve tried hard to ignore it, but it’s hopeless. And I don’t think Fiona’s going to be broken-hearted, I truly don’t. She’s only fifteen. It was never going to be forever.”

“You’re not going to tell her.” Lily jumps up from the settee. “You can’t tell her.”

“Of course I’m going to tell her.” Stuart puts his arm out to her. “I don’t have to tell her about this, but I do have to tell her it’s not there between us. She’ll know anyway.”

Lily wishes she lived in olden times. She would just faint right now. It’s all too much, sensory overload, system malfunction. She needs to shut down.

Lily’s tongue is stuck to the roof of her mouth and her head hurts. She opens one eye and sees the back of Jo’s dark head on the pillow next to her. Lily lifts her head a little higher on the pillow, hoping the headache will subside if she sits up. A wave of nausea runs through her body. She looks to the side table for her bottle of water. It isn’t there. Neither is the bedside lamp; it’s been replaced by a radio alarm clock she doesn’t recognise. Lily turns to Jo, and as she turns her head, a thought strikes her. Jo’s hair isn’t dark, it’s bright peroxide white, and anyway, Jo is in Liverpool. A sound, somewhere between a yell and scream fills the room, and it takes Lily a moment to realise it came from within her own body.

“What?” Stuart sits up, bare-chested, looking for the cause of Lily’s scream.

“Oh fuck,” says Lily, pulling the sheet up and being briefly reassured to see she’s still wearing her T-shirt.

“Don’t worry. You fell asleep on the sofa, I carried you in here. I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

Lily swings her legs out of bed. They are bare. She shakes her head.

“Ok, I didn’t want to wake up alone. So I carried you here. Nothing happened.”

The sound of the telephone breaks the silence. Lily flings herself out of bed, momentarily embarrassed to be seen in her knickers, and kicking out of her head the thought that she should have shaved her legs. She runs out of the door, forgetting to take into account the fact that Stuart’s bedroom door is much closer to the stairs than her own. She meets the stairs much faster than she imagined she would. Half-falling, half-jumping down the stairs, she slams into the wall at the bottom and grabs the telephone from the hall table.

“I’m at the train station in Skipton,” says Fiona, not waiting to hear who has picked up the phone. “Will you come and collect me?”

“Hi,” Lily shrieks. ‘Too much, tone it down’ she thinks. Her cheeks flush. She tries to remember how her voice really sounds. “What happened? Is everything alright?”

“Will you come and get me please?”

“I can’t, Jo’s not here. She went back to Liverpool, but I think she’s coming back today. Hang on, let me ring her and see what’s she’s up to. Are you ok?”

“I’m ok.” Fiona says in a voice that implies someone else isn’t. “I’ll tell you all about it when I see you. I can’t wait here for two hours.” She sighs heavily. “I’ll have to get the train. I think there’s one in twenty minutes. I’m coming to stay for a few days.”

“Right!” Lily tries to stop her voice sounding like a screech. She takes a breath. “I’ll meet you at the station.”

As soon as she puts the phone down, Lily picks it up again and rings Jo.

“Hi, Lily love,” says Jo’s mum. “She’s still in bed.”

“Would you mind waking her up? It’s kind of important.”

“What are you girls up to? I get the feeling there’s some big secret.”

“Nothing.” Lily sits down on the floor and puts her head between her knees. A couple of minutes later Jo comes to the phone.