Our Gang (21 page)

assassination of a President that we did on the last

one."

"What sort of criticism do you mean?"

"Well, last time there was just some kind of cloud

over the whole thing, wasn't there? Credibility gap

and so on. People thinking they weren't getting the

straight story. Accusing us of covering up and being

caught off guard and so on. Well, this time it's going

to be different, I can assure you. This time we have

the weapon and a fairly good idea of who did it

beforehand, and we're really only waiting for word

that it actually happened, to make an arrest. After a

decent interval, of course, just so it doesn't look as

though we picked up the first poor slob we found in

the gutter."

"Is it a Boy Scout? That is, will it be a Boy Seout,

if and when?"

"Well, of course I am only a law enforcement

officer. I don't decide who commits the crimes, I

just catch them, after that decision has been made

by the proper authorities. I will say this, however.

We would not have decided on a Boy Scout knife as

the murder weapon, if we didn't think there was a

good strong motive to go with

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it. That was one of the troubles with the last

assassination: didn't have a good strong motive to

go with it. After all, we are talking about the

assassination of the highest elected officer in the

land. People like a good strong motive when

something like that happens, and I can't say that I

blame them. That's why this time we intend to give

it to them. Otherwise, you're just going to get your

national disunity, your credibility gap, your doubt,

and your cloud over the whole thing."

"And you honestly think that this Boy Scout

knife will clear up such doubt and incredulity?"

"Why? Don't you?"

"Well, it's not for me to say. I'm just an

objective reporter."

"No, no, go ahead, say. What do you think? Just

because you're objective doesn't necessarily make

you a fool. You don't find the Boy Scout knife

convincing? Is that it?"

"But what I think isn't at issue-either this is or is

not the murder weapon."

"In other words, you're implying that it does

seem to you far-fetched. Good enough. What would

you think of this, then?"

"That?"

"Yes, sir-a Louisville Slugger. Curt Flood's very

own baseball bat. Let me show you on this model

here of the President's head the kind of damage you

can do with one of these things.

THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY
147

Remember, before, when I said `bludgeoned'? Well,

watch this."

To the White House now, for an important

announcement by the President's Bilge Secretary.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make the

following announcement concerning the President's

health. At midnight last night the President entered

Walter Reed Army Hospital for minor surgery

involving the surgical removal of the sweat glands

from his upper lip."

"Can you spell that, Blurb?"

"Lip. L-i-p."

"And the first word?"

"Upper. U-p-p-e-r ... Now as you know, the

President has always wanted to do everything he

could to gain the trust and the confidence and, if it

was within the realm of possibility, the affection of

the American people. It was his belief that if he

could stop sweating so much along his upper lip

when he addressed the nation, the great majority of

the American people would come to believe he was

an honest man, speaking the truth, and maybe even

like him a little better. Now this is not to say that

people who sweat Along the upper lip are

necessarily liars and/or unlikable. Many people who

sweat profusely along the upper lip are outstanding

citizens in their communities and sweat the way they

do because of the many civic duties they are called

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upon to perform. Then too there are a lot of good,

hard-working ordinary citizens who simply sweat

along the upper lip as a matter of course

That is really all I have to say to you at this

hour, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't have

bothered to call you together like this, had it not

been for the continuing rumors that it was the

President's `hip' that had required surgery. There is

absolutely no truth to that whatsoever, and I wanted

you to be the first to know. I hope by tomorrow in

fact to have available for you x-ray photos of the

President's hip that will make it absolutely clear that

it is in perfect condition."

"Which hip will that be, Blurb?"

"The left hip."

"What about the right one?"

"We'll try to get those to you within the week. I

assure you that we're working to clear this thing up

just as fast as we can. We don't want the people
in

this country to go around thinking the President has

something wrong with his hips any more than you

do."

"What about the reports that he's dead, Blurb?"

"I have nothing to say about that at this time."

"But Secretary Lard was seen weeping as he

left Walter Reed today. Surely that suggests that

President Dixon is dead."

"Not necessarily. It could just as well mean

THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY
149

that he's alive. I'm not going to speculate either way,

gentlemen, in a matter this serious."

"What about reports that he's been murdered by a

Boy Scout gone berserk?"

"We're looking into that, and if there's any truth

at all to that story, I assure you, we'll be in touch

with you about it."

"Can, you say anything definite about his condition

at all?"

"He's resting comfortably."

"Are the sweat glands out? And if so, can we see

them?"

"No comment. Moreover, it would really be up to

the First Lady anyway, whether she wanted the

President's sweat glands to be made available for

photographers and so on. I think she might want to

keep something as personal as those glands just for

the immediate family, and maybe eventually build a

Trick E. Dixon Library at Prissier in which to house

them."

"Can you tell us how big they are, Blurp?"

"'Well, I would imagine that given the sheer

amount of sweating he used to do, they were pretty

good-sized. But I'm only guessing. I haven't seen

them."

"Blurb, is there any truth to the report that while

at Walter Reed he was also going to have surgery

done to prevent his eyes from shifting?"

"No comment."

"Does that mean they were gouged out?"

150 OUR GANG

"No comment."

"Will the eyes be in the Trick E. Dixon Library

at Prissier too, Blurb?"

"Once again, that would be entirely up to the

First Lady."

"Blurb, what about his gestures? He's been

criticized for a certain unnaturalness, or falseness, in

his gestures. They don't always seem tied in to what

he's saying. If he's still alive, are there any plans for

him to have that fixed too? And if so, how? Can

they sort of get him synchronized in that

department?"

"Gentlemen, I'm sure the doctors are going to do

everything they can to make him appear as honest

as possible."

"One last question, Blurb. If he's dead, that would

make Mr. What's-his-name the President. Is there

any truth to the rumor that you people are

postponing the announcement of Dixon's death

because you're looking for a last-minute

replacement for What's-his-name? Is that why Mr.

What's-his-name himself keeps denying so

vehemently the reports that the President is deadfor

fear of being dumped?"

"Gentlemen, I think you know as well as I do

that the Vice President is not the kind of man who

would want to be President of the United States if

he felt there was any doubt as to his qualifications

for the office. That's f of even a question I will take

seriously."

TAE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY 151

"Good evening. This is Erect Severehead with a

cogent news analysis from the nation's capital ... A

hushed hush pervades the corridors of power. Great

men whisper whispers while a stunned capital

awaits. Even the cherry blossoms along the

Potomac seem to sense the magnitude. And

magnitude there is. Yet magnitude there has been

before, and the nation has survived. A mood of

cautious optimism surged forward just at dusk.

Then set the age-old sun behind these edifices of

reason, and gloom once more descended. Yet

gloom there has been, and in the end the nation has

survived. For the principles are everlasting, though

the men be mortal. And it is that very mortality that

the men in the corridors of power demonstrate. For

no one dares to play politics with the

momentousness of a tragedy of such scope, or the

scope of a tragedy of such momentousness. If

tragedy it be. Yet tragedies there have been, and the

nation founded upon hope and trust in man and the

deity, has continued to survive. Still, in this worried

capital tonight, men watch and men wait. So too do

women and children in this worried capital tonight

watch and wait. This is Erect Severehead From

Washington, D.C."

"-the flag-burners, the faggots, the fairies, the

filth peddlers, the Fabian Socialists of yore,

152 OUR GANG

the fair-weather friends, the fairies, the faithless,

the flesh-show operators-"

We interrupt the Vice President's address to the

National Primates Association to bring you the

following bulletin. A troop of Boy Scouts from

Boston, Massachusetts, the home state of Senator

Edward Charisma, has confessed to the murder of

the President of the United States. The FBI has

declined to give their names until such time as the

President's murder has been announced by the

White House. The Boy Scouts are being held

without bail, and according to the FBI the case is,

quote cinched unquote. The murder weapon, which

at first was believed to be the very knife that the

President had exhibited on television during his

famous "Something Is Rotten in Denmark" speech,

is now identified as a Louisville Slugger baseball bat,

formerly the property of Washington Senator center

fielder Curt Flood. We return you to Vice President

What's-his-name at the Primates convention: