Our Time (22 page)

There was a long pause and then
he spoke calmly, "Andrew, she is very sick. She was going to talk to you
after her appointment on Wednesday."

"I thought she was just
going to get a physical." I was already pulling into the hospital and
climbed out of the car to grab Liv.

"Andrew, it's not something
I can… just hold tight. I'll talk to you when I get there."

He hung up and I was tempted to
toss the phone as far as I could.
What the hell is going on?

Once we walked into the hospital,
things started to get more confusing. I was not family, so the nurses hesitated
to let me do anything, but I quickly explained that Olivia was her daughter and
I was her boyfriend and that she doesn't have any family so if they didn't let
me know what was going on…

They called security, but Olivia
started crying again and I calmed down enough to explain the situation to them
a little better.

They let me passed the desk and
into the double doors of the E.R. We waited for a couple of hours before Olivia
started to squirm and get a little cranky. It was still early so I knew that
Joss hadn't gotten a chance to feed her.

 "Are you hungry, baby
girl?"

She nodded her head as big tears
fell down her cheeks. "Eat," she said in a voice so incredibly sad
that I felt like I had just been punched in the gut.

I ran out of the waiting room and
got directions to the cafeteria, writing down Jocelyn's cell number and handing
it to the nurse.

"I will be right back.
Please call this number if anything happens in the next few minutes with
Jocelyn."

She nodded and took the number
from me with a smile filled with pity. The heaviness in my chest started to
weigh me down and I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. I felt like
a caged lion ready to rip the place to shreds.

After getting some food for Liv,
we brought it back into the waiting room to find Madison and Tyler huddled
together in the corner. When she saw me, she jumped up and closed the distance
between us wrapping me in a hug that only a sister could give. I had been strong
for her my entire life. She must have realized how close I was to losing it.

I recounted what had happened as
Olivia ate quietly, but quickly. I was cleaning her up when a doctor stepped
out of the doors and made his way over to us.

"Are you here for Jocelyn
White?"

I nodded, unable to speak from
the anxiety boiling in my veins, ready to explode.

"I'm Dr. Clayton, your
wife's - oh um, excuse me - Ms. White's treating physician."

Another nod.

"She is stable and fully
awake. You can go in now. From what she tells us, she threw up and when she
came back in to clean it up, she blacked out. She doesn't remember anything
until seeing you with the paramedics."

I nodded yet again as Liv wrapped
her tiny arms around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder. "Can you
tell me what is going on? Her friend said she was sick, but I have no idea what
is wrong."

He shifted on his feet and looked
down, obviously not comfortable answering my question. "She said you would
probably ask that, but she wanted to talk to you. I think it would be better if
she did."

I nodded again and adjusted Liv
in my arms. Maddy gave me another quick hug and let me know they would be
waiting. I just needed to get to Jocelyn and hold her in my arms, make sure she
was really okay.

He led me to her room and held
the curtain open. I stepped in slowly and saw her lying in a hospital bed
looking like she was about to cry.

"Joss?" I hurried over
to her side and Olivia turned in my arms.

"Mommy!" she shouted,
part laughing and part crying. She was just as relieved as I was to see her
awake. "Mommy okay?"

 Jocelyn reached for her and I
set her down on her lap. Olivia wrapped her arms around her mother's neck and
kissed her face and shoulder saying again, "Mommy okay?"

Jocelyn hugged Olivia tightly and
closed her eyes. I sat on the bed next to her legs and placed my hand on her
knee. I saw a few tears escape before she wiped at them and pulled back to look
at Olivia.

"My brave, beautiful girl.
I'm so sorry Mommy isn't feeling good."

She looked at me with a sad
smile. "Thank you, Andrew. I'm not sure how to… I'm so sorry I… just,
thank you. So much."

I gave her a weak smile and put
my hand on Olivia's back as she hugged her Mom again. "I would say
anytime, but I really hope it doesn't happen again."

She laughed weakly, "Me
too."

Unable to hold back any longer, I
leaned forward, cupped her soft cheek, and kissed her. It took every bit of
strength I had to pull away. Only the need to know what happened helped me do
it. "Are you okay? What happened?"

She hesitated for a moment and
then pulled herself up a little more so she could face me completely. She still
didn't speak and my heart  pounded harder and faster. Whatever it was, it was
bad and she had been hiding it.

 "Joss, has this happened
before? I'm scared out of my mind. Ben said you are sick." Her eyes
widened, but I quickly added, "He didn't tell me anything though and it
actually really pissed me off."

She hesitated and her eyes
flickered with a memory. She was scared.

"Jocelyn, tell me.
Please."

The look in her eyes frightened
me even more and I had the feeling that maybe I shouldn't be asking for the
information she was about to give me. That I wouldn't really want to know.

Olivia laid across her chest and
snuggled onto her shoulder with a hand reaching up to Jocelyn's face. She
giggled when Jocelyn tickled her little feet and kissed her head.

She looked back at me and asked,
"Is Monty okay?"

I nodded, understanding that she
probably needed to work up to what she was going to tell me. "I think so.
He was pretty upset when everything happened, but I think he was okay. Maddy
checked on him."

"Thank you. I know that you
have kind of been dragged into--"

 I put my hand up to stop her,
"I wasn't dragged into anything. I love you, Jocelyn. You know I would do
anything for you. Please, talk to me."

She closed her eyes and took a
deep breath. "Andrew, I love you. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you
everything sooner." She opened her eyes and they were filled with tears. I
heard the loud crack that ran through my chest and held my breath when she
opened her mouth to speak again.

"I had cancer… and I think
it might be back."

Shattered. Everything shattered.

Jocelyn

The look on his face broke my
heart all over again. How many times had I seen this disease ruin everything
and everyone around me? Too many times.

His eyes never left my face, but
I couldn't look at him anymore. I just ran my fingers through my beautiful little
girl's hair and let the tears fall. She was playing with the bracelet on her
wrist that Andrew had gotten her on the 4th of July. She didn't like it to be
taken off and she tried to count all the little butterfly beads but kept
repeating 'two' and 'three' and 'six'.

"Jocelyn…" Andrew's
voice was hoarse and sounded full of panic.

I couldn't take the panic
anymore. It was there the first time Ben told me I had cancer and it ruined the
next few years of my life. After finding out I was pregnant with Olivia, the
panic dissipated. I had a purpose and I wasn't going to let the cancer take
that experience away from me. I couldn't let it take over me now.

I opened my mouth to say
something to him, but the curtain of my little room flew open and the doctor stepped
carefully toward my bed. "Ms. White, how are you feeling at the
moment?" He sat down on his little round rolling chair and moved in front
of the computer.

I cleared my throat of the lump
that was determined to close off my breathing, "I'm okay for now. Just a
little light headed… and emotional."

He nodded and glanced at Andrew
who was now looking at his feet with his head in his hands. Dr. Clayton gave me
a sympathetic smile. He was a good looking man and a good doctor. He had been
very attentive and constantly informed me about what was going on while they
had run all the different tests.

"I'll be quick about this if
that is okay. I spoke with your previous oncologist, Dr. Moore, and he informed
me that you have been dealing with quite a bit the last several years. He said
you don't like to be coddled when it comes to treating this, am I
correct?"

I nodded slowly and forced myself
to keep eye contact with the doctor knowing full well that what he just said
would hurt Andrew.

"Dr. Moore?" Andrew
whispered. "Ben?"

More tears came to the edges of
my eyes, but I held them back and nodded again. I could hear the hurt in his
voice and I couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes that would come with it.
I hadn't been honest with him.

"We have the results of your
MRI."

"Hold on a moment," I
said quickly and turned to Andrew. I lifted Olivia up and kissed her cheek,
"Sweetie, Mommy needs to talk to the nice doctor now. Can you go with
Andrew and explore for a little bit?"

Olivia just smiled and said,
"Adoo?"

I lifted my eyes to him and
asked, "Do you mind? I think it would be best if--"

"No, I'm staying." His
blue eyes were dull and sad. "I need to hear it, Jocelyn."

I closed my eyes tightly, the
headache I woke up with dulling a little at a time. "Why?"

"Because I love you and
nothing will ever change that." His voice cracked and his red rimmed eyes
filled with moisture, but he didn't look away. Instead, he moved onto the bed
next to me and took my hand in his as he pulled Liv onto his lap. "What's
going on, Doctor?"

***

"I don't understand. I've
been in great shape for a long time now. I'm about to get my clearance, I just
have to get established with a new specialist and… and…" My voice was
strained and my heart pounded against my chest so wildly, I figured everyone in
the room could hear it.

This couldn't be happening.

Oh, Joss, but you knew it would.

The doctor bowed his head and
glanced at the chart again, "I understand that. I do not specialize in
this kind of thing so I cannot fully diagnose this. The imaging is very clear
and further testing will be required I'm sure. I suggest you get in right away.
I can call a doctor for you and try to persuade a work in visit. I will write
up any kind of referral you need. Just let me know."

"I already have one for
Wednesday," I said and felt Andrew squeeze my hand. That was yet another
thing I kept from him. "I'm sorry," I whispered, but he just lifted
my hand to his lips and nodded.

The doctor started closing down
my record on the computer. "Good. You will need to get started on some
treatment right away, I'm sure."

There was a commotion right
outside the room and I knew Ben had finally arrived. The curtain flew open and
his wide eyes took in the scene.

"Joss, thank God."

"Ben. How did you get here
so fast?"

"I was at another stupid
conference. After Andrew called me, I pretty much flew here."

Andrew stood up to greet him,
"Ben." He held his hand out to him and Ben hesitated for a moment
before shaking it, obviously wary of the sullen looking man standing over him.

"Andrew. I apologize for
not… I just knew Jocelyn wouldn't have wanted me to say anything." He looked
so shamefaced as he made eye contact with Andrew. I had forced him to lie to
Andrew and I felt awful about it.

"Don't worry about it, Ben.
I understand. It wasn't your responsibility to tell me."

I cringed as I realized what he
may or may not be truly saying. It was
my
responsibility. I should have
told him. Because I love him, I should have told him.

Olivia laid her head in my lap
and played with my phone that Andrew had given her while the doctor was
speaking to us. She was scrolling through the pictures and stopped on one of
the three of us with Monty peeking up behind us and giggled. We had taken it a
week ago before Andrew took us to the zoo again. Olivia was so excited and he
had been naming all the animals and making all the sounds all morning with her.
That was the last time we all went out to spend a day together and it suddenly
felt like a distant memory.

Dr. Clayton was still in the room
and I'm sure he was slightly uncomfortable with the palpable tension flowing
between all of us. "You should be free to go in a little while, Ms. White.
I will get your discharge papers ready. Please come back in immediately if you
feel any more nausea or call right away. At least until you see the specialist
on Wednesday. The next couple days, I don't want you to be alone. Make sure
someone is with you as much as possible in case something like this happens
again. We don't want you hurting yourself worse by hitting your head or falling
down stairs or anything. That little girl needs her mother safe. Got it?"