Our Time (23 page)

I stayed quiet and just nodded in
agreement. Andrew was still standing with his arms folded across his chest.
"She won't be alone," he said confidently.

The doctor nodded and stepped out
of the room. Ben was shifting from one foot to the other and he was making me
more nervous by the minute.

"Ben, calm down. I'll be
alright."

"I know, Joss," he
said, dejectedly.

For being a doctor who deals with
this kind of thing every day, he had a hard time when it came to me. Always
had. I felt like he made it his mission in life to somehow cure me.

I sat Olivia on the bed and moved
my legs off the side to stand. When my feet touched the ground I got a little
dizzy and shut my eyes. I took a few deep breaths before I tried again.
Damn
it all! Just focus.
When I opened my eyes Andrew was crouched down in front
of me with his warm hands on my knees, making me shiver in the cold room.

Ben picked Olivia up and started
to walk out of the room. "Let's let Mommy get ready to go home, okay? Why
don't we go to the vending machines and get some candy."

Olivia giggled and said,
"Mmmm candy, candy, candy, peez. Want some."

Andrew's hands moved back and
forth on the tops of my thighs keeping me seated. He was looking up at me with
those piercing blue eyes that were still dim with hurt. I wanted to just
collapse into his arms and never let him let me go.

"Andrew, it's okay. I'm just
a little dizzy and tired. I need to get up and get dressed. "

He stayed crouched in front of me
with his hands on my thighs for several long moments, still looking up at me
and swallowing hard. I hadn't ever seen him emotional until today. Ben was
always emotional and for some horrible reason, I was used to it and could
handle it for the most part. But Andrew… I couldn't handle it. It broke me
apart.

He finally stood and latched onto
my elbow to help me stand. "I'll help you," he whispered. He grabbed
the bag holding my clothes and dropped it onto the bed before untying my gown
for me. He helped me a little more than I needed him to, but he was trying to
be useful and I didn't have the heart to tell him I could do it myself. Plus, I
was having a really hard time staying upright, my body was exhausted.

After slipping on my underwear
under the gown, I held onto his shoulders as he moved my feet into the legs of
my pants and slowly pulled them up. His fingers shook as he buttoned them,
concentrating so hard his lips were set in a thin line, and the damn tears I
had been trying to keep at bay overflowed and fell down my cheeks. He cupped my
face in his hands and gently swiped the tears away with his thumbs, and just
stood there holding me up with his eyes roaming my face.

"It tears me apart when you
cry, love." His voice was hoarse and quiet, but had the same effect on me
as it always did. He kissed my forehead and held onto me until the tears
stopped. I felt a little calmer as he pulled my shirt over my head, but the
apprehension still felt overwhelming.

I shivered as he helped me put on
my jacket. "Hospitals should be warm and comforting. How the hell are
people supposed to heal when they have to come into places like this?" I
muttered. The tension was almost too much and I was starting to get angry. It
felt good to be angry so I held onto that emotion for a few minutes while
Andrew continued to
not
speak.

I thought about the last time I
was truly mad. I had been so angry for a while there after my first surgery and
then again after David left me. I had pulled myself out of it when I had
Olivia. The first time I saw her beautiful face, my whole life changed. I didn't
care about the wrongs that were done to me. I had the perfect gift and I held
onto her. She was my life. I couldn't abandon her.

I sat on the edge of the bed
while Andrew put my shoes on. I shouldn't be angry. If anything, he should be
angry and walk out of here without another word. I had hurt him badly by not
telling him what was going on. I took another deep breath and let the needless
fury melt away, keeping my focus on the good things I had right in front of me.
I had to stay strong and not allow my emotions to get the best of me.

There was still a lot to do and I
didn't know exactly how bad things had gotten. I worried that Andrew would
insist on coming with me Wednesday. I wanted him with me, but I don't think I
would be able to handle his anxiety on top of mine.

He stood back up in front of me
and ran a hand through his hair. He was in his sweats and looked like he had
just rolled out of bed after a restless night. His eyes were bloodshot and the
worry lines around his mouth were more defined. He was looking down at our feet
for the longest time, deep in thought. I kept my eyes on his beautiful face and
willed him to say something. Anything.

When his eyes lifted to mine,
they were filled with pain and confusion. It felt like a knife to my chest and
filled me with more guilt.

"Andrew, I'm so sorry.
I--"

"No," he said firmly
and shook his head. He lifted a hand to my face and cupped my jaw, his thumb
stroked my chin then moved up to run along my bottom lip.

I looked down at my hands and
picked at my nails. He was being too nice, too sweet. Too incredibly gentle.

"You have nothing to be
sorry about," he said. I shut my eyes tightly to hold back more ridiculous
tears. "Hey," he tilted my chin up with his finger. "I'm not
mad. I just wish you would have trusted me enough to…"

"I do trust you,
Andrew." My voice was breathy and weak and my mouth was dry. "I
should have told you, but I was scared and I didn't know if… I just didn't feel
ready to tell you, I guess."

He leaned forward and kissed me
softly, "I wish you would have told me, but either way it doesn't change
anything. I'm not going anywhere. We'll just have to get through this
together."

I wanted to believe him, but for
some reason I just didn't think I could. The past was still too vivid, the
betrayal too prominent in my mind.

A nurse came in with a wheelchair
and insisted that they escort me outside which was extremely embarrassing, but
I knew they wouldn't relent, especially since Andrew thought it was such a good
idea. Madison and Tyler both gave me long hugs and expressed how glad they were
that I was okay.

"You scared the hell out of
us, Joss." Madison looked upset at first, but after looking up at Andrew
who was standing next to me, she looked close to tears. She leaned back down to
give me another hug and whispered so only I could hear her, "Be
strong." They promised to come by the house after I got some rest and then
they left.

Andrew took Olivia to get her
strapped into the car and was going to come around and pick me up. Ben waited
with me.

"Well, for the most part, it
looks like he is taking it well," he said.

"For now," I muttered,
starting to get angry all over again, with myself and everything else.

"Joss, he really loves you.
Let him in. You have to think about Olivia and what she will need if--"

"I know!" I cried
feeling a heaviness descend on me. "I am. That's why this is so hard!
Somehow, I have to tell the man I love that I won't be able to be there for him
for very long. And I have to somehow ask him to take care of the most important
person in the world to me while I go through this all over again?" The
tears ran freely and I didn't try to stop them this time. Ben turned pale and
looked like he was about to be sick. "How am I supposed to do that, Ben?
Please tell me because I have no idea! I have no right to ask that of
him."

He knelt in front of my chair and
took my hands in his. "I don't know, Jocelyn. But I do know that man would
give his life for your little girl, he isn't going to run away. He isn't
anything like David. Don't worry about the words yet, just take care of
yourself. That's what Olivia would want. Plus, whether or not he is there, she
has me and Linda and the kids." He squeezed my hands for a response, but
all I could do was nod.

But we had already been over that
part. David would be too close to her if she was with them and even though he
had given up all of his rights to her, I didn't want to take a chance.

Andrew pulled up to the curb and
jumped out of the car. "What happened? Are you okay?" He crouched
down next to me as Ben stood back up and looked desperate when he saw my tears.

I just nodded and started to
stand. Both of them grabbed an arm and helped me to the car. I felt pathetic
and weak. I hated this part. I had always done things for myself and I refused
to give that up. I couldn't leave this life with Liv seeing her mother so weak.
I had to be strong, for her.

I stumbled a little as I lifted
my leg to climb in, but Andrew caught me and practically lifted me into the
car. My body just didn't want to cooperate, it needed rest.

Ben said he was going to grab his
things from his hotel and then come back later this afternoon. He made sure Dr.
Harrison was aware of what had been going on, too. He had looked at the MRI
himself and discussed that with the doctor as well, but he didn't say anything
to me about it. Which is what I expected.

The drive back was silent for the
most part except for Olivia's tiny voice coming from the back seat once in a
while. She suddenly became quiet and when I looked back, she was out like a
light. Looked like it had been quite a day for my little one.

Andrew pulled into the driveway
and turned off the car, but made no move to get out. After a minute of awkward
silence I moved to open my door. His hand shot across the seat and grabbed my thigh,
"Wait. I… I'll help you. Don't move. I'll take Liv upstairs first."
He opened his door and climbed out before I could say anything.

When he reached in to take Liv
out of her seat, I wanted to tell him that I didn't need him to coddle me, but
when I watched him lift her so carefully and saw her rest her head on his
shoulder, I couldn't speak. How could I do this to him? How could I have kept
this from him with no regard to how he might take it?

When he disappeared into the
house, I climbed out of the car slowly and held myself up with my hands on the
roof. I took deep breaths and tried to loosen the knot in my chest. What have I
done? I had let him into my life and now he was just one more person I would
have to say goodbye to. I should have never…
No, he would never do anything
to hurt Liv. No regrets, Joss. You love him.

Andrew walked out of the house
and stopped when he saw me out of the car. I saw the desperation in his eyes
and felt like I might collapse from desperation myself. He strode toward me and
my knees dipped at the intensity in his blue eyes.

He scooped me up into his arms,
cradling me against his chest. When I opened my mouth to protest, he pressed
his lips to mine to stop me. "Please. Just let me."

I held onto him tightly and
buried my face in his neck, knowing this was what we both needed.

He kicked the car door shut and
slowly walked to the front door. Monty just about had a heart attack when I
came into the house with Andrew. He kept trying to get to me and I reached down
and scratched behind his ear. "I'm okay, buddy. No worries." After a
few moments, he let us pass, whining the whole time at Andrew to put me down so
he could greet me properly.

He carried me up to my room and
laid me down in the bed, then climbed in next to me and pulled me to him, my
back against his chest. He didn't say anything for the longest time and I was
at a loss for the words to say or what to do. I had been so selfish. So scared.
Andrew had been nothing but patient with me and loving and trusting.
Now
what?

I said the only thing that I
truly knew right then. "I love you, Andrew."

 He squeezed me tightly in
response. "I love you, Jocelyn." His voice was laced with sadness. I
could feel it in every pore of my body. "Get some rest now."

I closed my eyes and saw Olivia's
beautiful gray eyes shining back at me.
I love you, baby girl. Please don't
forget me.

Andrew

I took the next couple of days
off and stayed with Jocelyn. Chris asked what was going on and I just told him
that Jocelyn was sick and needed a little help around the house. He didn't
believe me, but I think he could hear the strain in my voice and didn't ask any
other questions. He said to take as much time as I needed to help her get better.

How long would that take? Would
she
get
better? Would I lose her completely?

I held her tightly while she
slept in my arms that first day. I couldn't imagine my life without her and I
refused to let her go. She woke up before Liv did and we just laid there facing
each other while I took in every detail of her, even though I knew each detail
as if I had created them myself. From the dark brown eyes that I loved so much
to the scar under her chin that she got when she was a kid. I told her I wasn't
going anywhere, that I was going to help her through this and make sure her and
Liv were taken care of. She just nodded and for some reason, I knew she didn't
believe me. So I decided to prove it. I wouldn't let her go through this alone.