Ours Is Just a Little Sorrow (10 page)

I tried to read some more but found myself dozing a bit when Oliver handed me a note from John. I'd been invited to the laboratory.

Most often, I tried to stay away from John's lab. When he was in it, he became distracted and consumed with whatever he was working on, so it was usually a
useless gesture to visit him there. I often worried that he'd forget Phillip was even with him, but I was assured by my charge that John was always most
attentive on their shared lab days.

I knocked and entered the huge space with tables of boiling liquids and automated who-knows-whats. Beakers and glass tubes lined the tables and I coughed a
little at the smell of sulfur. At least, I hoped it was sulfur.

Phillip was wearing a white coat that matched his brother, and they had both donned safety glasses. I was glad to see that John had taken me seriously
about eye safety. Also, the matching coats were adorable. John was so good with him. It was a shame that the Colonel devoted so little time to parenting,
but Phillip was exceedingly lucky to have John.

Phillip smiled when he saw me and ran over to grab my hand. "You'll see! You'll see!" he yelled and led me to a small glass Petri dish. "I know you've been
sad, so I wanted to make you something. John helped. But not too much because I'm a big boy."

"Of course you are," I replied.

He and John very seriously mixed some things from droppers and vials into the dish. One more dash of something, a slight pop, a puff of smoke, and an
excited little boy squeal of delight later, above the Petri dish hovered a hologram of a perfect violet.

"However did you do that?" I asked.

"Perhaps someday I'll tutor
you
, Miss Merriweather," answered John, looking as pleased with himself as Phillip did.

"It's a violet. Get it? Violet is your name," Phillip added.

"It's beautiful." And it was. "Thank you so much. If you can tell me what letter violet starts with, you may have the rest of the day free from studies."

After the correct answer, Phillip cleared out as fast as his little legs would allow. I offered to help clean up, but John would have none of it.

"It's your gift. You can't clean up after a gift."

I smiled. "Thank you for helping him, John. It means so much to me that you've taken such an interest in his education."

"He was adamant about making you something to make you feel better. He told me your weakness was chocolate, but I doubted you would eat anything from my
laboratory."

I laughed at the truth of it. "I don't know how he came up with such a thing. Chocolate?"

"I imagine he noticed that face you make when you eat the cakes at tea. I've certainly noticed that your favorite part of dinner is dessert."

"What face?" I asked incredulously, laughing in spite of myself. It felt nice.

"It's quite noticeable," John smiled, but a faint blush tinged his cheeks. "It's almost as if you were anticipating a kiss."

Now it was my turn to blush. "I'm certain you are exaggerating."

"Perhaps. But likely not." He busied himself with a vial. "Are you doing all right then, Violet? I've been worried about you. Your friend, the maid-"

"Companion."

"Sorry. Companion. You were very close?"

I nodded.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I know what it's like to lose someone close." He placed his warm, solid hand over mine. "I don't ever want to go through that pain
again."

The words were unsaid, but they didn't need to be aloud. I wasn't sure how I felt about him insinuating that he cared for me. A part of me felt warmed by
his sweetness, but another part cooled.

It wouldn't do, in any case, to be found in a compromising situation with John any more than with Gideon. I needed to extricate myself from both brothers.

"Thank you." I pulled my hand away.

"You're afraid to feel too much. I know how that is. I made a pact to never let anyone into my heart again the day my mother died. But with time, the
healing will come, and one day you'll realize you're ready to take a chance again."

"I'm certain this conversation is not appropriate, John."

He grasped my elbows and me toward him. "One day will happen, and I'll be here Violet."

"John-"

"I'm sorry. I know my timing is horrible and you aren't ready for this now. But I'm staking my claim. When you're ready, I'll still be here."

He kissed my forehead and strode from the room.

What a mess I'd made.

One brother, sweet and warm, would have been an excellent match were I born from different circumstances. The other, dangerous and unnerving, would never
do in
any
circumstance. But it was Gideon I thought of when I repeated John's words in my head.

My heart, it seemed, had already been staked.

Chapter 8

T
HOUGH THE house was alive with candlelight and greenery, it was missing its heart and it never showed more than on Christmas Eve. All the candles in the
world couldn't light the shadows of Thornfield.

Gideon chose Christmas Eve to stay home and fulfill his end of our midnight bargain. I thought it was cheating, as he should have stayed home Christmas
anyway, but I was assured by careful inquiry of the household staff that it was, indeed, something new to have him there, awake and sober, on a holiday.

As I helped the maid, Jeanette, finish decorating for a small party, the Colonel stopped in the parlor.

"Miss Merriweather, why aren't you ready?" he asked gruffly, already seeming to be walking backwards out of the room as if my answer had no consequence.

"Colonel?"

"For the party." He shook the bulldog at me. "You need to get ready. You can't very well wear
that
."

I looked down at my dress, perfectly acceptable for the activity I was currently pursuing, and purchased by the Colonel in any case. "Colonel, I'm not sure
I understand. You expect me to attend your Christmas party? I'm the governess."

"I fail to see why I need to explain myself to you, Miss Merriweather. As you say, you are merely a governess. Put on a frock and do something with your
hair. My sons don't seem to know how to act in company without your presence." He huffed and spun out of the room.

I was aghast. "I most certainly did not say
merely
a governess."

Jeannette giggled, and I slapped a hand over my mouth. I had not meant to say that aloud.

"Do you have a party frock, Violet?" she asked in good humor.

I shot her a look that I expect she read quite well. Neither of the outfits I'd worn to the ribaldery were suitable, and according to my employer, neither
of my serviceable gowns would work either. "No."

"Come along then." Much like Minerva, she grasped my wrist and led me to her quarters, stopping to inform a maid or two of the new happenstance along the
way.

In her chambers, the ones she shared with two other girls, I was placed in a chair. Jeannette reached under the bed and brought out a dusty box tied with
twine. "So much for Clare cleaning under the bed regularly," she said as she blew the dust off. "This will be perfect. Take down your hair while I shake
the dress out."

I doubted it would be perfect, as Jeanette was three inches taller and blessed with curves one could barely see around. I started removing pins as she
untied the string and pulled out a gorgeous green dress. It was nothing like the outfits Minerva had in her room, but it was lovely nonetheless.

Too lovely. The fabric must have cost a fortune considering Jeanette's wages.

"The dress is very dear, Jeannette. I can't possibly borrow it. You should save it for a special outing."

She smiled like a woman with secrets, and she patted the dress. "I've had my special outing in it. Besides, where would I wear it now?"

Her eyes went someplace else, for a bit, and then she trained them on me with full concentration. Once again, I was to be made anew by another person and
another new dress. Jeanette called upon Marisol to do a quick hem once the gown was on. Jeannette herself brushed and coiled my hair into coronets, and
then pinched my cheeks for color.

Was it just the other night my face had been painted for the same reason?

As she threaded sprigs of baby's breath and dried roses into my hair, she suddenly looked years younger. She was actually getting excited. As if she were
getting ready for a ball rather than attending to me for a dinner party. We'd never been close and I didn't deserve her rapt attention any more than I'd
deserved Minerva's.

"Why are you helping me?" I asked.

"Why wouldn't I?" Jeannette answered. "We women need to stick together. Especially now…" Her voice trailed off.

Especially now. She was right. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I'm sure the gown looks much better on you. I wish you could go in my place."

She and Marisol thought that was uproariously amusing. "I'd rather do just about anything than go to that Christmas party," Jeanette said when she could
catch her breath.

"Is it that bad?" They only laughed harder "Why must I go?" I asked, sounding very much like Phillip.

"If you thought the Colonel was bad, wait until you meet his sister. She's a pill that one."

I smoothed down the fabric and looked at myself in the mirror. The dress actually was perfect. After the hem and well placed clip to shirr the fabric, I
looked more than presentable. And completely different from the other night. It was as if each new day, I found something new in my own reflection.

"Who else will be there?"

"Lady Leanna, probably. The Colonel's been trying to marry Master Gideon to her for going on two years."

I held my facial expression very still to not arouse suspicion. "Oh? What is she like?"

"Beautiful. Icy. Rich," answered Marisol. "The usual."

"Are they courting?" My heart plummeted down, down, down, even as my mind wagged a finger and an
I told you
so
at it.

"Master Gideon is very cordial to her. You know what that means."

I smiled because otherwise I would cry. "That he'll marry her." Of course he would.

"Heavens, no. That man is only nice to women he has no use for." Marisol nodded to Jeanette for confirmation that I was done, and by silent agreement the
three of us headed out the door.

"I don't understand." We walked down the hall and stopped at the stairs.

Marisol squeezed my shoulders. "Sure you do, Vi. He's a scallywag, though I'd defend him to my death, I would. The ladies his father parades under his nose
are not the kind of women he likes."

"What kind does he like?"

"Not the kind that he'll meet in his father's parlor, that's for sure," Jeanette answered.

As we made our way down the stairs, I realized, once again, that my foolish heart deserved every crack it gained from caring how the rest of the
conversation went.

"Does he trifle with the staff, Jeannette?"

"Heavens, no. He just associates with women who the Colonel would hate."

I suppose I was relieved at that. "Why doesn't the Colonel try to marry John first? Isn't he the eldest?"

"There's been plenty of that, to be sure. But Lady Leanna has shown special interest in Gideon, if you take my meaning."

I felt nauseous. Had I really thought I was special?

We stopped down the hall from the parlor doors. That was as far as they'd be going with me it seemed.

"Have a nice time, dear," Jeanette said, and they both chortled as they walked away.

I took a deep breath and rounded the last corner. John joined me the instant I stepped into the parlor, as if he'd been waiting. He bowed. "You look
lovely."

I tried on a winsome smile. "Thank you, John. I feel a bit peculiar, though. I'm not sure why your father was so insistent that I come."

I felt the heat of Gideon's gaze from across the room and tried to pay attention to John's answer while my insides melted like candle wax.

"You've been good for our family. I'm sure he just wants to make sure you feel welcome."

John introduced me first to his Aunt Edna, though he failed to mention that I was in the family's employ.

She scrutinized me carefully. "You'll do," she said, echoing her elder brother's declaration of me.

From the corner of my eye, I beheld Gideon speaking with what had to be Lady Leanna. She was beautiful, and anyone in the room would proclaim their
matching dark looks would beget handsome children. And all the while he appeared to be the perfect gentleman, I saw Gideon as I never once saw him with me.

Bored.

John rescued me from his Aunt Edna's continued scrutiny by suggesting that I meet Lady Leanna. I felt it was like rescuing me from a snake to pit me
against a lion.

We met in the middle of the room, each of us on the arm of a Winston brother. After the formalities occurred, Lady Leanna sized me up as if perhaps she
wondered how she'd get the stain of me off a good lace table cloth. She tightened her clutch on Gideon's elbow and pursed her lips. "How very fortunate I
am to have another woman here this evening. So often, I'm the only unmarried female at Thornfield gatherings."