Out of Heaven's Grasp (27 page)

I was surprised. It was early for driving around, even for someone in the community. I hid myself in the shadows so that the driver of the jeep wouldn’t see me.

And I was stunned when I saw Abby get out of the car.

Her hair was in a sloppy braid, almost as if she’d been sleeping on it, and she was wearing a big winter jacket. She closed the door of the jeep and went into the house.

What?

Where had she been? What had she been doing? Why was she coming home to Bob’s house at dawn?

* * *

Abby

“Rebecca Morris,” said Gideon from the front of the meeting hall. It was Sunday. The past month, every one of our worship meetings had been nothing more than Gideon delivering a long sermon. He’d also taken over the gospel meetings on Sunday nights, so Sunday was a day that was bookended by Gideon’s preaching. “You all know the name of that woman—a daughter of God who was swayed by the devil to commit the most atrocious of sins.”

Becky Morris had been Robert Morris’s wife. After he’d revealed the edict of multiple wives, Becky had fallen under the thrall of a demon. Under that influence, she had shot and killed Robert Morris, our leader.

“Many of the elders in this community remember Becky,” said Gideon. “She was a founding member of the Life, and she was dear to all of them before she turned away from God. No one could have suspected that Becky would be so swept away by the devil. She was considered holy and pure, a worthy mate for Robert himself. So, everyone was very shocked when they saw what she’d done.

“Let Becky’s fall from grace be a lesson to all of us here,” Gideon continued. “The devil is no respecter of persons. He can influence any of those amongst us. Any of your friends, your neighbors, your family members could be in a demon’s thrall at this very minute.”

Gideon’s sermons were often like this these days. He was constantly preaching that we were in danger and that anyone around us could be evil. We were all meant to watch each other constantly and to report if anything bad was happening.

The effect of this was that, on the surface, the community looked more righteous than ever. But underneath, people were getting better at hiding their rebellions, and the rebellions were perhaps more serious than they’d been before.

A few nights ago, when I’d been out in the desert, I’d come upon a group of young people who’d all snuck out. They were drinking beer in the desert, boys and girls together. If Gideon found out, all of them would be severely punished. He would probably cast all of the boys out and marry off all the girls, even though some of them had been as young as thirteen. Boys had been disappearing lately. When a boy was cast out, it often wasn’t discussed. One day, he would be there, the next, it was as if he’d never existed.

Gideon’s voice cut through my thoughts. “And what did our community do to Becky Morris?”

They’d killed her. Everyone had been in such grief about the death of Robert that they’d simply executed her without involving the authorities.

“They did her the best favor that they could,” said Gideon. “They sacrificed her sinful nature, so that her pure spirit could remain free. They cut her off from the demon that was controlling her. Brothers and sisters, they
freed
her.”

Well, I’d never heard it put quite like that before. It was generally considered that Becky Morris had to die, but I didn’t think anyone said it was a good thing exactly, just a necessary one.

“This principle of sacrifice is one that we must do for our own brothers and sisters of the community,” Gideon declared. “If someone is so deeply under the thrall of a demon that they are as far gone as Becky, we must free them as well. The only way to save them from that demonic influence is to end their life. If one among us is so rebellious, so sinful, and so far from their proper place in the community, then we will sacrifice them as well. We will spill their blood, and we will
free
them.”

I went cold all over. He hadn’t just said what I thought he’d said.

Gideon was preaching that people who didn’t follow the rules were now to be
killed
?

I glanced at Bob, wondering what he was making of this. After all, I was very disobedient these days. Was my life in danger?

“Their spirits will then rise to Heaven, free and pure,” said Gideon. “They will join their Father in Heaven, rejoicing at the sacrifice of their earthly bodies. In this way, they will know paradise. But if we do not sacrifice them, if we leave them under the thrall of the demon, their souls will eventually be consumed, and they will go straight to the fiery pit of Hell. But we will not allow something so horrible to happen to those we love, to our family in Christ. We will protect them from eternal torment by sacrificing their bodies in life.”

I twisted my hands together in my lap. This couldn’t be.

* * *

Jesse

I rented a one-bedroom apartment in the nearby town of Melville. I managed to get a month-to-month lease, so I committed to staying in the area for at least a month. If I couldn’t convince Abby to leave within that time period, then I would decide if it was worth it to stay. But I would keep trying for at least a month.

For the next few days, I only watched. I came back under the cover of darkness, but the jeep was always in the driveway. I peered in the windows, and I found Abby sleeping in the room where I’d last found Bob alone. That night the curtains in one of Bob’s other wives’ rooms were drawn. I assumed it was because he was with her. I knew that Bob must have been sleeping alone in Abby’s room, but I couldn’t figure out why.

I tried to wake Abby up by knocking on her window, but she slept right through it, no matter how I tried.

On the fourth night, however, I saw Abby sneak out of the house and get into her jeep. She put it in gear and backed it soundlessly out of the driveway. Only when she was at the end did she start the engine.

I darted back to my truck and followed her jeep from a safe distance.

She drove out into the desert, and once we were far enough from the community that it didn’t matter, I closed the distance between her jeep and my truck.

She sped up when she saw me, like she was trying to outrun me.

I chased her through the darkness for over half an hour, until her jeep finally pulled to a stop in front of me.

She leaped out, screaming, “Fine. If you’re going to sacrifice me, I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.” Tears were running down her face, and she looked terrified.

I got out of my truck, leaving the headlights on so that we could see. I didn’t know what this sacrifice thing was about, but I figured the best way to calm her down was to let her see my face, so I hurried closer to her, and I was illuminated in the the headlights.

When she recognized me, she put a hand to her mouth. She staggered to her jeep, holding onto it for balance. “Jesse?” she whispered.

I went to her. “Abby.” I wanted to touch her so badly, but, like before, I couldn’t. I stopped just short of her, just a foot away.

“What…what are you doing here?”

“I came back for you,” I said. “You can’t stay here. I can’t let you stay here. Come with me.”

She dragged her hands over her face. “You cut your hair. You shaved your beard.”

I shrugged. “Well, I could never grow a beard for shit, anyway.”

“I liked it.” Her voice was tiny. She chewed on her lip, studying me. “You look so different.”

“So do you,” I said.

“But I didn’t change anything.”

It was true that her hair and her clothes remained the same, but she carried herself completely differently now. There was something defiant and mature about her now, and I could see it in her eyes.

“You’re still beautiful,” I said.

She flinched a little.

Had I never said that to her? I reached out and brushed my knuckles against her jaw.

She shuddered, cringing from me. “Don’t.”

I pulled away, shoving my hands in my pockets. “Sorry.” I should have known better. I knew the way she’d reacted to me when I left, and I knew this wasn’t going to be easy and quick. I needed to go slowly. I didn’t want to scare her. “Look, it doesn’t have to be about… I want you to come with me, even if there’s nothing between us. I can’t leave you here in this place.”

She glanced at my truck. “You mean now? You mean you want me to get in your truck, and we’ll drive away and never come back?”

Maybe this wasn’t going to be so hard after all. “Yeah, we could do it like that.”

She wrung out her hands. “I don’t believe you’re here.”

“Well, believe it.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. “Look… Jesse, things are different now, and I can’t…” She opened her eyes. “Things have happened to me. When we… when you… I don’t think I could ever…”

“Look, if you’re saying that you can’t leave, I understand. I know you think that leaving the community means that you’ll burn in Hell for all eternity, but if you and I could just talk a little bit, if you could open your mind to some possibilities, then maybe I could help you feel less frightened of that.”

She laughed harshly. “That doesn’t matter. I’m already going to Hell.”

“What?” I hadn’t expected this. The change in her, it was more than maturity, I realized. When I looked at her, I now saw the same things I’d seen in my mother’s eyes, resignation and exhaustion. Anger surged through me, and I grabbed her by the shoulders. “What has he been doing to you?”

She cringed again, shrinking from me. “Don’t touch me.”

I backed off again. This was worse than I thought. I turned away, dragging a hand through my hair. “I shouldn’t have waited so long,” I muttered. What had been happening to her while I was away, while I was figuring myself out and waiting? Why had I put this off for so long?

“I’m sorry. Maybe if I’d thought that I’d ever see you again, or that there was any chance that I’d need to have…” She hugged herself. “It’s only that I can’t feel things for you the way I used to. And I don’t think I could ever let anyone touch me.” Her face twisted. “I can’t… I can’t be
beautiful
for you, Jesse. Go back to the world. Find someone else. I’m sorry.” She rushed back to the door of her jeep, threw herself inside, started the engine, and drove away.

I stood there in the darkness, too stunned to know what to do.

I really hadn’t thought this through. I had thought about Abby being back here, stuck in the community, but I hadn’t spent any time thinking about what was happening to her while I was gone. In my mind, she’d stayed the same Abby, young and sweet and just a little bit rebellious, eager to try new things.

What was wrong with me not to have realized that she would have been hurt? I didn’t know Bob Carroll personally, but I did know the way things worked in the community. I knew the way men treated their wives. I’d seen what my father had done to my mothers. They were both timid women who were afraid to speak up for themselves or their children. There was always a wild, frightened look about them.

And Abby had that same look now.

My chest tightened in shame.

This was my fault. I’d waited too long.

But it didn’t mean I was giving up. I still had to get her out of here. I just wasn’t sure how.

Dejected, I got back in my truck and drove away. I didn’t try to go after her, not yet. I needed to figure out the best way to approach her.

As I drove, I fantasized about finding Bob Carroll and pounding his face until it was nothing but a bloody mess.

* * *

Abby

My heart was pounding inside my rib cage as I pressed the gas pedal down as far as it would go.

I didn’t think I’d ever see Jesse again.

Some part of me had been sure that he was dead to me. I couldn’t believe that he was here, that he still cared about me, that he thought I was beautiful. It was all too strange and foreign to even comprehend. The way he’d touched my face. No one had touched me in such a gentle way in months. When he’d looked at me, there had been real concern in his eyes. Concern for
me
. Not anger. Not disappointment. Not condemnation.

Concern
.

And that was when I realized that I was broken. I hadn’t noticed while it was happening, but I remembered the way that Jesse used to make me feel, and I tried to find that feeling again, and it…

It wasn’t there.

I wasn’t capable of excitement or joy or pleasure or… whatever it had been.

It was gone.

So I had to get away from him, because it wasn’t fair for him to have to try to deal with a girl who was broken. I couldn’t do that to him. He should have something—

I slammed on the brakes.

Are you insane?
I screamed at myself.

I backed the jeep up, turning around. I went back the way I’d come.

Jesse wanted me. Jesse had come back for me. I was trapped in a world where I was a sinner, and I couldn’t stop sinning, where I was fairly sure that I was going to be sacrificed because I was under the thrall of a demon. If I stayed here, I’d die. And I wasn’t sure if Gideon was right about the demons, or if he was just making them up. But everything I’d ever loved about this place was ruined. There was no music. There was no school. There was no Jesse. My mother and father had abandoned me. My husband was cruel. I had no one.