Out of Heaven's Grasp (9 page)

My mother raised her face to look at me. She put her hand against the window. Tears were streaming down her face.

I started to feel a little choked up too.

But then the truck sped away—just like that—kicking up dust behind it, and leaving me all alone on the side of the road.

I stared after it, watching it disappear into the distance.

Just like that, huh? My whole life gone? Everyone I’d ever cared about gone?

I couldn’t believe it.

I didn’t move for what felt like ages. It was as if I was frozen, too stunned to function anymore.

The worst thing about all of this was how little sense it made. I had heard that Abby had been assigned to marry Bob Carroll—who already had three wives. And I could hardly believe that, because Gideon had seemed so convinced that I’d had sex with Abby. When I’d denied it, he’d called me a liar. And he’d cast me out because he thought I’d lied.

Or because…

If he really thought that Abby and I had sex, then he wouldn’t be marrying her off. She’d be tainted.

That meant that Gideon had just thrown me out because he felt like it.

And I hadn’t liked the way he’d assumed the worst, or the eager way he’d asked questions about what I’d done with her. He’d seemed almost excited by it.

So, if he knew that I was telling the truth, why was I being kicked out?

Suddenly, my sadness switch off.

One minute I was confused and hurt. The next I was angry.

It had never been about me, had it? It had been about making sure that I didn’t have Abby, so that he could give her to some old man. Some guy who didn’t need any more wives.

I didn’t want to let Bob Carrol have Abby. Not at all.

I was supposed to keep heading away from the community. I could get to Melville, the nearest small town, if I kept walking.

But back in the community, I had my own truck, and I wanted it back. I’d saved up money for that thing and bought it myself, because it was the only way my father would let me get a vehicle. I was the one who paid the insurance every month. I knew that, technically, my father was the head of the family, and so he owned everything that his wives or children owned. But I also knew that according to the laws of the world, that truck was mine. And since they’d kicked me out of the community, those were the laws I was going to follow.

I was going to get my truck, and then I was going to get Abby. There was no reason for her to stay there. She could come with me. We could be together, like we wanted.

So I turned around and began walking back toward the community.

* * *

Abby

Nothing felt real.

Whenever I tried to wrap my head around what was going to happen, I couldn’t quite believe it.

I’d always known that I had no say over who I would marry, but somewhere deep down, I’d always believed it when they said that God told the elders who the right person was for each girl.

Now… I wasn’t sure.

I didn’t want to marry Bob Carroll. Even though he’d been nice to me when I was a little girl, I’d never thought of him as marrying material. I’d thought of him like an old, kind uncle. To think that I was going to be tied to him for the rest of my life, that I was going to have his children, that the rest of my entire life was already decided…

It didn’t feel real.

I staggered through the rest of the day. My mothers all got in on the activity of making the wedding dress, and I stood there while they cut up fabric and pinned it around me.

They asked my opinions on various things. Did I want a high waist? Did I want lace trim on the end of my dress?

I couldn’t manage to have an opinion, so I just shrugged and said in a quiet voice, “Whatever you think is best.”

Sometimes, someone would tell me to smile. I did my best.

What was so surreal about everything was that the world was moving forward in a seemingly normal way. But I felt as if all the color had drained out of my surroundings. I felt as if all my sensations had dulled. It seemed like everything around me was working perfectly, but that I was somehow damaged in some way.

I felt like the world should stop working too.

But it didn’t.

At dinner that night, I couldn’t eat. I tried, but all the food tasted like cardboard, and my stomach seemed closed off.

Afterward, I made excuses and said I was going to bed. I was lucky enough to have my own room now, since my two older sisters, who I used to share it with, had both gotten married and left home. I was glad of the privacy, but once in my room, I didn’t want to go to sleep.

This was my last night of freedom, and I didn’t want to waste it.

I sat up on my bed, looking around at all of my things. I didn’t have much that I really called my own, I realized. Some clothes. My guitar. I would disappear from this house, and it wouldn’t even make any difference. Life would go on here, same as always. I’d seen it after my sisters left. There were so many people in my family, that none of us were really anything special. We were just more hungry mouths, more labor for the farm. At that moment, I felt worthless. I’d never had any potential, I realized. I was always destined to marry a man, cook, and make babies. That was it.

I stared at my guitar and thought of my dream to play in front of huge groups of people, to hear them clap for me and tell me that I was special.

That was a stupid dream. I should have known better. I wasn’t special. Besides, wanting to be elevated above others was a sin. I was meant to be humble. To be submissive.

I flung myself back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. “I can’t do it,” I whispered. “Please don’t make me do it.”

And then… almost as if an answer was coming to me from Heaven, I heard the words of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane.
Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me
.

I shut my eyes and took a shuddering breath. Jesus had faced death for me. He had gone through a horrible ordeal on the cross, dying for my sins. In comparison to that, marrying Bob Carroll wasn’t so bad. I could do this. If this was the trial that God required of me, I could face it.

Nevertheless, not my will, but thine, be done.

I lay there, my eyes closed, and something like peace washed over me.

And there was a pounding noise at the window.

I sat up, startled. It was already dark outside, and most people in the house were asleep. Still, that knocking noise was loud. I ran over the window.

Jesse was outside, peering in at me.

I yanked the window open, my heart leaping at the sight of him. “What are you doing here? I thought they cast you out.”

“They did,” he said. “I came back for my truck.” He reached through the window for my hands. “I came back for you. Come with me, Abby.”

I pulled my hands away. Hadn’t I just made peace with this decision as a test sent by God? “No.”

He pushed the window up even higher. “Come on.”

“Jesse, I can’t.” I looked back at the door to my room. What if someone heard us talking? “You have to go.”

“Abby.” He fixed me with his blue eyes.

Oh, why was he so nice to look at?

“Okay, I’ll climb out the window, but only so that we can talk somewhere else, where no one can hear us.”

He grinned at me.

My heart swelled.

Carefully, I climbed out the window. Jesse put his hands on my waist and lowered me to the ground.

Once I had both feet on the ground, I realized how close our bodies were. I expected Jesse to let go of me, but he didn’t.

He pushed me back against the side of the house, and suddenly his mouth was on mine, and he was kissing me.

I’d never felt anything like it my life. Sweetness burst through my body. His lips were soft. His tongue was softer. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and I kissed him back.

And we kissed for a very long time.

But this was a sin. This was a temptation sent by the devil. Jesse had been cast out of the community, and that meant that he was now part of the wickedness of the world. I couldn’t let this happen.

So, with effort, I pushed him away. “We can’t,” I managed. My limbs felt weak. The kiss had felt so good.

He looked up at the open window, then back at me. He grabbed me by the hand and tugged me away.

We ran away from the house, deep into the shadows of the night. When we were out of earshot, we stopped.

His face was mangled and hurt, but there was something wild about him, something in his eyes, and it made him even more appealing than he’d ever been before. I found myself unable to keep my eyes off of his body. His broad shoulders. His powerful hands.

I wanted…

I didn’t know what I wanted, but it frightened me. I took several steps back from him.

“Why?” he said.

I didn’t understand. “What?”

“Why won’t you come with me? What have you got here?”

I bit my lip. “It’s not about that. It’s about doing what God commands.”

“Don’t say that shit, Abby.”

I winced at the expletive. “Don’t talk like that.”

“I mean it,” he said. “This isn’t what you want. You want to play music. You want to travel. Come with me.”

I thought about it for a minute. Climbing into Jesse’s truck and leaving the community behind forever. Forging our own lives somewhere else. Excitement surged through me, but then it was replaced with terror. “It wouldn’t work. They’d come after me. I’m engaged now.”

“Yeah, I heard,” he said. “To Bob Carroll? He’s already got three wives. And he’s too old. It’s disgusting, Abby.”

I wanted to cry. I wrapped my arms around myself. “I have to do it, though. It’s what God wants.”

“No, it’s not,” said Jesse. “It’s what Bob Carroll wants.”

I stared at my shoes. “He’d come after me, though. He would.”

I’d seen it twice. In both cases, a young girl had run away to escape a marriage to an older man. But the community had rallied together and gone after her. Both girls had been brought back, and both were married now.

“We’d get away.
I
would get us away.”

“How can you know that?”

Jesse rubbed the back of his neck. “Maybe I should have told him that we had sex.”

“That we had what?” I said. I’d never heard that word before.

He looked up at me. “You know, marital relations.”

“But we’re not married,” I said.

He lifted a finger. “I’ve got it. When they come after us, I’ll tell them you’re pregnant with my child, and there’s no way he’ll want you after that.”

My jaw dropped. “You wouldn’t dare!” My body was wracked with conflicting emotions. A nearly pleasant feeling when he said the words
my child
like I belonged to him, and then a sick, sick sense of dread at the idea of such an awful lie. I hugged myself tighter. My voice dropped to a whisper. “We didn’t do
anything
like that.” I glanced at him, nervous. “Did we?”

“No.” He looked at me like I was crazy. Then he furrowed his brow. “Wait, you don’t know? Aren’t they going to tell you before they marry you off to that bastard?”

“Tell me what?”

He stepped closer to me. He caressed my jaw. “Come with me, Abby. We wanted to get married. We can get married out there. And then…” His voice lowered to a husky whisper. “I’ll
show
you.”

He was kissing me again. The kisses were so nice, too wonderful for words. His hands roamed over my back, over my waist, pulling me tight against his firm body. Everywhere he touched me, it seared into me. I was swept away by his mouth on mine, by his arms encircling me.

And my body… my body was reacting in ways that alarmed me.

Once, in the shower, on impulse, I had parted my legs and let the water from the nozzle spray over me there. It had felt overwhelmingly good, explosive and delicious.

Now, pressed against Jesse, I was feeling something almost similar. Warmth grew between my legs. Some foreign, powerful desire was struggling to take control of me.

But back then, I’d known that what I’d done was the dirtiest, worst kind of sin. I’d been so guilty after, and I’d sobbed and prayed to God for forgiveness. I knew that this was an evil temptation as well. Jesse was cast out of the community. It was to be as if he had never existed. Now, he was nothing more than a tool of Satan to turn me from what was right and true. I couldn’t give in to him anymore.

I put both my hands on his chest and shoved him as hard as I could.

He stumbled away from me.

“No.”

He drew in a shaky breath. “Abby—”

“You’re doing the work of the devil, Jesse. You’re trying to drag me down with you, but I can’t let you do that.”

His face twisted. “Please don’t say that.”

I started to cry. “You have to go away. You’ve been cast out, and you’re… you’re evil now. I have a chance to get right with God, and I have to take it.”