Out Of The Ashes (The Ending Series, #3) (22 page)

Jason stepped
closer, his usually stony face finally showing some emotion. And his emotional
displays were a lot like the desert climate we’d grown used to over nearly a
month of travel: when it rained—especially when Tavis made it happen—it poured.
“You’re exhausted.” Jason raised a hand and placed the crook of his index
finger under my chin, angling my face upward. “Have you slept at all since
Ben…since Ray—”

I pulled my hand
from his, taking several steps backward, and crossed my arms over my chest. It
was a gesture of protection more than a gesture of defiance. I looked away—at
the farmhouse behind him, at the dirt and dead grass beneath our boots, at the
trees surrounding the yard—anywhere but at him. I couldn’t let him see the
tears stinging my tired eyes. “Not really,” I said softly.
Not at all.

“You’re not
eating, not sleeping…you’ve got to take better care of yourself.”

I shrugged,
trying to appear nonchalant, but inside I was screaming,
I’m trying! I don’t
want to lose my humanity! I’m trying to fix me!
I both wanted and refused
to tell him about my current predicament…about my apparent addiction to
drifting. Having his support would mean everything, but he had enough on his
plate without having to deal with my problems, especially when they were
problems I practically dove into headfirst.

“You don’t
understand,” I said.

Jason sighed.
“But I
do
understand. Losing first the horses, then Ray, and now
Ben…it’s hard. And then with those drifters, and what you did…you’re dealing
with a lot.”

“A lot?” I
scoffed, a harsh, ugly sound. “Jesus, Jason…” I shook my head. “You couldn’t
possibly
understand.”

“Then why don’t
you explain it to me,” he said, his tone level.

If he thought me
sharing my feelings would help me move on, then fine—we could talk about Ray,
and drifting, and…
not
about my soul-sucking addiction to it.

I started pacing,
the caffeine pill making me jittery. “When I drift, it’s like…like…” I threw my
arms up in the air. Explaining the connection I shared with the animals—the
connection I’d shared with Ray, that I’d
been
sharing with her at her
moment of death—seemed impossible.

“When I merge
with them,” I said, “it’s like I’m a
part
of them and they’re a part of
me…like the essence of who we are—our souls, or whatever—join together, and
when I’m just me again, a piece of my soul is still with them, and a piece of
theirs is with me.”

I paused and
looked down at the ground. “Ray was more than a pet, more than a friend…she was
part of me, and when she died, I lost that part of me completely. It’s
just…gone. And killing Scott didn’t bring her back…didn’t make the hurt go
away. So now I have to deal with crushing guilt, too.” I raised my eyes to meet
Jason’s. “So tell me again about how you
get it
,
about how you
understand
.”

Jason’s jaw
clenched, and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I care about you more
than I’ve ever cared about
anyone
,” he said, his voice low and cold
despite the heartfelt words. “And when you were gone, you took a piece of me—
my
soul—with you.” He moved closer, his strides consuming the distance separating
us. “So yeah, Red, I get it.”

I stared at him,
slack-jawed and slack-brained. “What?”

“I didn’t mean to
fall in love with you,” he said, as though that explained anything.

“Fall in
love…with me?”

He let out a
harsh laugh and ran his fingers through his short, dark curls. “It was never
something I wanted—with
anyone
.” He looked at me, his eyes aflame with
too many intense emotions: accusation—desire—anger—fear—love…

He loves me?

“I thought if I
just got a taste of you, had my fill…” He shook his head, staring down at me
with eyes of luminous blue fire. “I never wanted to fall in love, because I’ve
seen what it does to a person when it’s taken away.” His eyes widened, like
he’d just realized that I was both the monster in the dark and the hero who
could chase it away. “And now I’ve felt it.” He squeezed his hand into a fist,
then stretched out his fingers. His hand was shaking. “So don’t tell me I don’t
get it.” His gaze hardened. “
I
get it.”

Turning, he
started to walk back toward camp.

My arms slipped
lower until they hung at my sides. “Jason…wait.”

He stopped, his
back to me and his body flush with the corner of the house. He turned his head,
showing me his profile…his perfect, strong profile.

“I’m sorry,” I
whispered.

Everything about
him relaxed noticeably.

I took a step
toward him. Another. And another. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess, and I’m sorry
that you have to deal with it, but I’m not sorry that you fell in love with me.
I will
never
be sorry about that.” I stopped a foot or two behind him,
making no move to touch him. “Please turn around.”

He did so,
slowly. When he finally faced me, he gazed down at me with familiar, guarded
eyes. Somehow, the red in his scar only intensified the blue in his eyes.

I couldn’t help
but smile. I felt drunk and giddy and muddle-brained, and I couldn’t believe
any of this was really happening, that he’d really just told me he loved me. It
was the best possible thing at the worst possible time.

“I thought I was
in love with you when I was younger,” I said. I felt my smile grow, and I
glanced away, embarrassed. I had to force myself to meet his eyes again. “And
then when I got older, when I was with Cam, I convinced myself that I’d only
fallen in love with the
idea
of you…that it had only been a crush, and
that I’d barely known you, and that my feelings only
seemed
so strong
because I was a teenager and
everything
is so extreme then.” I laughed
softly and shook my head. “I convinced myself that I barely knew the real you.”

Jason clenched
and unclenched his jaw repeatedly.

“But I was lying
to myself. I think I was the only one besides Zo and your dad who you let catch
even a glimpse of the real you.” I took a shaky breath. “I love you, Jason…
so
much
. I’ve loved you for a
very
long time.”

I watched as his
guarded mask cracked, fragmented, and fell away, baring the full force of his
emotions to me. His eyes were so full of hope and wonder and desperation, his
lips of promise, and his entire face was softened by what could only be called
adoration…and love. He searched my eyes, back and forth. Back and forth. Back
and forth. The intensity of him stole my breath.

Wait…wait…wait…there’s
something else…something I have to tell him…

Before I knew what
was happening, Jason’s hands were cradling the back of my skull, his fingers
unintentionally tugging pieces of my hair from my braid, and his lips were on
mine. His kiss was not patient, not kind. It envied and boasted and was
proud…so damn proud. His kiss sought to dishonor me, and I sought
for
it
to dishonor me and would have been angered beyond reason had it stopped. A
cessation of the kiss would have been unforgivable. This, these lips on mine,
this tongue dancing with mine…this was the first real, honest kiss Jason and I
had shared.

Except that
it’s
not
an honest
kiss
,
the very tiny coherent voice in the back
of my mind said.
You’re still lying to him, about yourself
and
about
his past…his mom.

Jason pressed me
back against the house’s weathered siding, and I placed my palms on his chest.
With a groan, I pushed, but instead of breaking the contact between our lips,
Jason kissed me harder, deeper, more urgently. And damn it all to hell if I
didn’t want him to stop. His hands were
everywhere
, and he felt so good,
so strong and real and all mine…

Again, I pushed
against his chest. He froze, pulling back just enough for me to gasp,
“Wait…stop…just wait.”

Tension was a
living thing vibrating along every tendon, through every muscle in his body.
“Red…” Pain—desire unfulfilled—made the word a desperate groan.

I squeezed my
eyes shut, loathing myself for what I was about to do. “Before this goes any
further, I have to tell you something.” I didn’t know why—maybe it was the lack
of sleep, or maybe it was a desperate need to save face—but suddenly my
knowledge of his mom didn’t seem like the biggest secret standing between us.

Jason lowered his
head and grazed his lips over the side of my neck. “Later…”

“No, Jason,
now
.
It has to be now.” Because I wouldn’t forgive myself if I started this new
phase of our relationship with
that
lie hanging over us, and I doubted
that he would forgive me either. As it was, I didn’t know if he would feel the
same about me after I told him—but I wouldn’t trade the chance to have a lifetime
of love for a few moments of bliss. I wouldn’t.

With a rough,
knowing noise, Jason wedged his leg between my knees and slid his hands down to
my hips. He moved against me, taunting me. Damn him for knowing exactly how to
please my greedy body.

My head fell back
against the side of the house, and I moaned.

“What were you
saying?” Jason whispered against my neck.

I swallowed,
cleared my throat, whimpered. “Your mom…she’s alive.”

He stilled
instantly, a new kind of tension humming through him.

“I met her,” I
said, breathing hard. “In the Colony.”

Ever so slowly,
Jason raised his head and met my eyes. “What?” His voice was cold…so very cold.

“It’s not what
you think,” I rushed to say before he could draw false conclusions…or
any
conclusions.
Pretty much any conclusion would be a bad one. “She really didn’t want you to
know about her, and I thought about telling you…so many times—”

“Then why didn’t
you?” That tone…that tone could freeze the sun.

“Because I didn’t
want to hurt you.”

“And how,
exactly, would telling me that
my mom
was alive and
within reach
have
hurt me?” His eyes narrowed, spearing me with accusation. “Or was it just that
you’d have to admit to lying all this time?”

“What? No!” I
pushed against his chest again, and this time he lifted off me enough that I
could duck under his arm and slip out from between him and the side of the
house. “Do you really think that little of me?”

With a roar, Jason
punched his palm against the wood siding. “Then tell me, because right now I
don’t know what to think. What possible reason could you have for
not
telling
me?”

“She created the
Virus,” I said, my voice barely audible.

Jason turned his
head, looking at me with eyes filled with utter revulsion. “Why would you say
that?”

My arms itched to
wrap around my middle, but I held them rigid at my sides, my hands in shaking
fists. “Because it’s true.”

Jason’s eyes slid
off me. “You’re wrong. It wasn’t her. You don’t know what the fuck you’re
talking about.”

Indignant, I
straightened my back and held my head high. “I’m going to ignore the fact that
you’re being a huge asshole, because I know this is a shock.” I inhaled
harshly. “Your mom
was
at the Colony, and she
did
create the
Virus.”

Jason was shaking
his head. “Then she didn’t know. It was an accident.”

“No, Jason, it
wasn’t.”

“So what are you
saying?” He pushed away from the side of the house and started stalking toward
me. “What the fuck are you saying—that my mom’s evil? That she’s some sort of
evil genius working with that—that fucking General…to
what
? To take over
the world?” He stopped less than a foot from me, all hard muscle and menace and
anger towering over me.

I refused to look
away, refused to back up. “No,” I said, expending every ounce of control I had
to keep my voice even. “I’m
saying
that it wasn’t an accident, and that
she knew exactly what she was doing.” I took a deep breath, and before Jason
could launch into another tirade, said, “She did it to protect you, because if
she hadn’t helped Herodson create the Virus, he would have killed you and Zo.”

Jason staggered
back as though I’d punched him. In seconds, his expression transformed from
irate man to lost little boy. “What?”

My chin quivered,
and I blinked rapidly, refusing to cry. “After your mom left you guys, General
Herodson stationed watchers around you and Zo. You were collateral in case his
mind control failed on her, except—” I wanted to look away so badly, to not
bear witness to Jason having one of the pillars of his childhood ripped out
from beneath him. But I couldn’t leave him to face this alone, not when I was
the one who’d landed the first blow. “He didn’t know—still doesn’t—about the
other half of her Ability.”

“I don’t…” Jason
shook his head. “I don’t understand.”