Out of the Blue (8 page)

“You keep checking me out like that and I’m going to think you want me to do something about it.”

She blanched. “What? Isn’t it normal to look at your date after you’ve asked a question?”

“Molly, there are different ways of looking at people. When you think I’m not watching, you look at me like you want to eat me.”

“I’ve been told I’m intense,” she said. “You’re nice to look at.”

She said it without stammering, without apology, and he looked surprised, and a little disappointed.

“Ah, so that’s what it is? My pertiness?” He shoved a too big spoon of ice cream in and it filled his cheeks. He looked like a pouting child. She laughed.

“I guess so,” she said.

She knew he hadn’t forgotten her question so she waited for his answer.

“I guess I don’t know what I’ll do with my life,” he said.

“You’re pretty old for that.”

“And you enjoy engineering?”

“It’s a job,” she said. “It’s a career.”

“And escorting isn’t?”

She shrugged. “That’s what I’m asking. No need to be defensive Justin.”

He tapped his fingers on the table. “I’m taking day classes here and there,” he said. “I’d still like to go into engineering.”

“Then why not just commit?”

“It’s not that simple,” he said.

“Why not?”

“There are factors,” he said. “Things I can’t control.” He swirled his spoon in the last melted remnants in his cup. “I don’t want to commit to something and get uprooted again.”

Molly felt that if she was a more socially astute person there was a double meaning somewhere in there. “Uprooted like in college?”

He nodded, paling a little.

“Do you want to go?” she asked.

He nodded. “But I’m not ready to go home yet.”

“Where do you want to go then?”

“The beach.”

“But it’s dark.”

“Best time to go.” He winked at her and she felt nervous about it. But it was Justin, so it would be fine, right?

When they arrived at the beach, the sky was nearly black. Stars shone faintly around a bright moon, lighting the sky navy and midnight around it. The water reflected the blacks, the navy, and the midnight of the sky, along with occasional flashes of light along the waves. The sand sparkled and reminded her of the dark granite at Club Blue.

“Pretty huh?” Justin said, coming up behind her. “Come on, let’s go sit closer to the waves.”

“It’s cold.”

“You want my coat?”

“Yes,” Molly said. She took it and noted its gigantic size, and the warmth it transferred from him to her. He’d be cold, but maybe that was good because it would extinguish any weird ideas he might be getting about being alone on the beach with her.

He plopped in the sand with his long legs in front and leaned back on his hands. He looked carefree, his hair blown back by the wind, T-shirt lightly waving. She could see his pecs outlined by his shirt.

It was just like being with one of the beautiful boys from her comics, and she remembered that that was how it had been five years ago. She’d always loved watching his large expressive eyes, straight nose, full lips.

“So I want to hear what you meant earlier.”

“What do you mean?” She stuffed her hands down in the cold sand.

“You said you wouldn’t even know what to do to take advantage of me.”

She made a small gagging noise and knew her face was probably turning bright red. She hoped he couldn’t see it in the darkness.

“You’re blushing. Uh oh.” He leaned in closer and pulled her hair back, and she tried to push him away but simply tumbled back on the sand away from him. Good enough.

“I’m not blushing.”

“Oh. My bad,” he said. “Why wouldn’t you know what to do?”

“I think you can guess,” she said, pushing herself back up, making sure she was at a good distance from him. She brushed sand off her arms. “You’re just trying to embarrass me.”

“Me? Never!”

“Shut up.”

“Molly, are you a vir—”

“Shut up!”

“That’s adorable,” he said.

“I’ve kissed people,” she said.

“Kudos to you.” He turned to his side and propped up his head on one arm.

She looked at his biceps, sure that if she just looked for a couple seconds, he wouldn’t notice. The biceps flexed, and she looked up to see him smiling at her.

“Stop that!” She blushed again.

“Stop looking at me like a slab of meat.”

“I don’t hang out with meat often,” she said.

He frowned. “So you just see me as meat too?”

“I don’t know how to see you,” she said, drawing her initials in the sand. “We were friends.”

“Were we?” he said. “Or was I a piece of meat then too?”

She glared at him, unsure if he was serious or teasing. She didn’t think he knew either.

“Anyway, I’m not into that kind of thing.”

“What do you mean?” He sat up a little, propping his cheek on his hand.

“Kissing. The other stuff,” she said. “I don’t feel anything. It wasn’t great. I’m fine without it.”

“Maybe the guys were doing it wrong.”

“I don’t think so,” she said. “I think it’s me.”

“You’d feel something if it was me,” Justin said. He sat up fully and moved a little closer.

Molly’s eyes widened. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing, if you don’t want me to.” His eyes moved over her face, down to her mouth. “I guess we shouldn’t make things awkward.”

“I guess not.” She turned to the waves again.

Justin watched Molly watch the waves. Her eyes, already a dark, clear gray blue, darkened and seemed to reflect the waves. Why had he said something so stupid? She’d said she’d never felt anything, and he’d felt he could prove that with him it’d be different. But why would he care to prove something like that? What a stupid thing to say. Now she wouldn’t trust hi—

“But I think it’d be interesting to see,” she said. Her face was smooth, almost elfin in the moonlight, and she tilted it to the side.

“Just a small one.” She said it like she was ordering ice cream.

Justin didn’t know what to do. He thought of how Nicole and Sean would chew him out. He thought about how he could end up hurting her because he didn’t have feelings to give her. But he could give her this. He leaned forward, reached behind her neck with one hand, and brought his lips down to hers.

For a moment, quiet, as his lips settled over hers. Then noises around them, the waves, the wind and spray, and her breathing mixed with his as she was still against him. Slow, quiet, something building up inside him as it went on. And she didn’t moan, didn’t move. Just stayed, keeping the gentle contact between them. Was she feeling the current he felt? As if there was more to this than the touch? He felt excitement build, and it shocked him. He pulled back.

She moved forward and captured his lips with hers, but he pulled away.

“That’s probably enough.”

She sighed. “I’m not good at it, am I?”

“You’re great,” he said. “But I don’t want to take advantage.” He had to somehow build back up the walls around him that had been blown apart in a few quiet moments meshed with her. Her vulnerability had obliterated him. Time to repair.

“I still don’t get it,” she said.

“Sorry,” he said.

“No, it felt good,” she said. “I guess I’m not sure what’s supposed to happen after.”

“It’s something you’ll figure out,” he said. “When you find a man who loves you.”

She nodded and touched her lips with one finger. “I can see why women pay for that.”

He felt like she’d kicked him in the stomach.

“I don’t sell that,” he said.

Her face said she knew that, that she’d punished him for reminding her that they weren’t romantically involved. He knew he deserved the censure. He’d kissed her, goaded her, and then basically told her she shouldn’t be doing it with him. He wanted to slap himself but he’d taken enough punishment over the years already. It wasn’t his fault he was a cold person.

“Thanks anyway,” she said. “Maybe we should head out?”

“Yeah,” he said. “You still have a stalker out and about anyway.”

Molly let Justin walk slightly in front of her, glad he couldn’t see her wobbly gait. That kiss … Who knew kissing could be like that?

She felt like the ocean, violently stirred to waves by the moon and the wind. And still in turmoil. Still twisting inside. She couldn’t even say it was completely pleasant. Embarrassing. Intimate. Wrong, but right in a way. She wasn’t a romantic person, but something happened when they had locked for that moment.

He’d been gentle, like she’d always known he’d be. She’d never thought of it consciously, but in that way where her mind pictured what it would be like to kiss someone. Justin’s mouth and body just seemed to draw her attention. Maybe it was inevitable when a man watched out for you. When you were a girl like her who no one paid attention to.

“I wonder if the stalker will be back at my place,” she said quietly to Justin as they reached his car.

“If he is, I’ll stay and help.” He did up his seat belt and waited for her to do hers before pulling out.

“Thank you.” She looked out the window as they drove. For some reason she dreaded the moment they would pull up. Stalker or not, she would be alone again, in a dark house, no one to talk to or look at. The world seemed less lonely with Justin. Letting him back into her life was letting sunshine back into her life. Only the sun could leave again and getting used to that warmth was just asking to be hurt.

“Justin,” she said. “If we are going to keep being friends, I need to know why you left.” She folded her hands in her lap. “The real reason.”

He kept his eyes on the road, but his jaw clenched. But he didn’t say no. Molly thought maybe he wanted to tell her more than he let on.

“Let’s get you home first,” he said.

When they pulled up, Molly took off her seat belt and looked over. “Will you come in?”

“I still don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

“I don’t want to be alone,” she said. “And I know you won’t do anything. I won’t do anything either.”

He relaxed slightly, his shoulders rounding down from where they’d been hunched. She didn’t know what to think when he acted vulnerable like this. He liked to be the strong one, but it was time to show him that sometimes she could be the strong one.

“I can take it Justin. You’ve been good to me. Share your burden with me.”

“You’re a good friend Molly.” He leaned against her unexpectedly. “I don’t deserve it.”

She cocked her head. It was all she could do. “Come inside. I promise not to take advantage of you.”

“In that case …” he said. He laughed, and opened his door.

Justin felt distinctly different this time entering Molly’s house. He’d been invited, and wasn’t barging in. There wasn’t an idiot with his hands on her, and Molly was asking him to tell her his biggest secret.

As he considered what she wanted, a hideous possibility entered his mind. Could Molly’s stalker be related to his own? Please no. But once the thought was there he couldn’t seem to remove it.

She had two brown microsuede couches. He picked the smaller one, hoping she’d sit on the other. The room was probably the most boring room he’d ever been in, other than his bedroom. Brown carpet. White walls. Brown couches. A lot of brown. But when he looked closer he could see more to the room, just like Molly herself. Under the boring black TV stand were a bunch of colorful DVDs covered in cartoon characters. Were these the movie versions of the comics she’d been so obsessed with at one point? He crept over to look at the DVDs.

He pulled a few out and turned them over. All of the characters looked feminine. And was that a girl or a boy? Why did that girl not have breasts? Why did that girl have short hair and a baseball hat?

“You look confused,” Molly said.

“Are these guys or girls?”

“Both. I thought you of all people would understand.” Molly crouched next to him and pulled a DVD from his hands. She pointed to each character. “Boy, girl, boy, boy, boy.”

Justin squinted at the case. “Why would I understand that?”

“Just that both men and women can be beautiful. There are different types of masculinity.”

She replaced the DVDs. He’d underestimated her. Somehow Molly had grown without him. She made him feel like an immature kid.

“Sorry I was poking around,” he said. “You know I can’t sit still.”

“Can’t leave you alone for a minute.”

“You’re being a lot more talkative now, you know.”

She paused, sat back on the carpet and planted her hands behind her. She looked at him with those frank blue eyes and waited.

“Just that, in class before, you know, in school, you were so quiet then.”

“And you preferred that?”

Her and her questions. What was she, his shrink? Maybe he did prefer that vulnerable girl hidden in her giant sweater to this small, confident woman with piercing eyes and honesty.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Like you said, we were friends.”

“Were?” She stood and stretched. “I’m going to the couch. Much comfier.”

“Fine.” He sat on the floor until he could see which couch she headed to. Then he sat on the opposite couch. He was baffling even himself. How on earth was he going to share his secret if he couldn’t share the couch? No, he just needed the distance, that’s all. And he did want to tell her. In the car she’d said she could handle that. He believed that. And he felt tired of being alone. And if it distanced her from him, all the better, since he was better off alone anyhow.

But she’d have to bring it up.

“You don’t have to tell me,” she said. “I just didn’t want to be alone here. But then I realized, I’ll be alone if you leave again too. I’d like to know what the chances of that are.”

“Molly, none of us can know how long we’ll be around, how long the people around us will be around.”

“Don’t treat me like a kid. And stop saying my first name when I’m the only one here. It sounds patronizing. Unless you are used to talking to yourself and have to distinguish.”

Justin stared as Molly said the longest string of words he’d ever heard.

“I don’t know how to answer your question,” he said. “I don’t know if I even should.”