Out of the Blue (6 page)

Beer in hand, I sat in the only seat available, which was across from Cam. I chatted with a couple of the guys I knew, but I had one eye on Cam and Kris as the conversation flowed around the table. Kris sat close to Cam, a bit too close for my liking, and his shoulder brushed Cam’s occasionally. Attempting to control my jealousy, I watched them together. Cam appeared not to notice the familiarity Kris showed, but Kris would shoot sideways glances in Cam’s direction. If Kris was trying to act straight and remain in the closet at the firehouse, he wasn’t doing a very good job.

I tried to distance myself to look at them through someone else’s eyes. Individually they were good-looking men, but put them together and they were hot. Cam was relaxed and jovial, and together they drove the conversation around them. They had an easiness together I envied.

As I watched them, I contemplated Caroline’s question. Was I jealous because he had a new friend that he could laugh with, especially since we weren’t laughing together right now, or was I jealous because I thought he would cheat if the right person came along? I didn’t know the answer, and I didn’t want to.

I enjoyed a couple more beers, mostly in silence as the conversation had moved onto firefighting topics, and my uneasiness built in my gut as I watched Cam talking with Kris. I was mostly ignored and left out, but every now and then, Cam would look at me and wink, then return to the conversation with Kris and his colleagues. He was oblivious to my discomfort, and my stomach churned the more I watched.

Kris stood, and offering to buy the next round, he put his hand on Cam’s shoulder in a familiar gesture. Cam looked up at Kris and smiled. It was the type of smile that lit up his amber eyes, that I hadn’t seen focused on me in the last few weeks. The type of smile that I’d thought, up till now, was reserved solely for me.

My emotions threatened to overwhelm me. Anger, jealousy, betrayal, sadness, and hurt hit me all at once, and I couldn’t sit there any longer. I swallowed past the lump in my throat as I downed the remainder of my beer and politely, yet quickly, made my excuses.

Cam caught me by the arm as I reached the street. “Hey, babe, what’s…?” He glanced away from me quickly and focused on the ground, and my anger boiled over.

I placed my sunglasses on and hissed at him, “Better? Can you talk to me now that you can’t see my eyes?” Cam remained silent as he stared at the ground. “Fuck you, Cameron. Just… fuck you.” Cam looked up, his eyes wide. We had never spoken to each other that way, and he deflated, his shoulders slumping in defeat. He looked sad and weary, and if I wasn’t so angry, I would’ve felt sorry for him. Instead, I felt sorry for myself.

Without another word said between us, I turned and left.

Our apartment was empty and quiet, and after changing into my running gear, I took off. It was going to be a long run; I needed to wear myself out. A run usually emptied my head, but it didn’t work that time. As I ran through Golden Gate Park, I couldn’t remember how I’d gotten there. My head was so full of everything going on I couldn’t recall which route I’d taken. It was late and the park was eerily dark and silent as the moon above shone through the trees with fingers of silvery light, the dull thud of my feet hitting the path my only company. I came to a wooden bench and dropped onto it, exhausted from the run but also emotionally wrung out. Cradling my head in my hands, my shoulders heaved and the lump in my throat threatened to choke me. Tears welled in my eyes, and I was powerless to stop them. I cried then, my body wracked with confusion and grief. I cried for everything I had and for everything I could feel slipping away from me.

Cam never came home, and I tried not to think about where he was or what he was doing. My grief from last night had been replaced by anger: anger at him for not coming home and anger for the shit that he was putting us through.

Stumbling in the door about nine o’clock the next morning, clearly hungover, he looked like hell. He wore the same clothes from the night before, and when our gazes met, Cam’s bloodshot eyes widened in surprise. My anger bubbling near the surface, it took all my strength not to throw my cup. I wasn’t normally a violent person—I hardly raise my voice—but I was livid. Raising an eyebrow, I dared him to say something. He looked away, his shoulders slumping as he trudged to the bathroom.

Cam took a long time in the shower and came out looking a little less disheveled. He poured some coffee and drank it down while standing at the counter. He buttered some toast, poured himself more coffee, then shuffled into the living room. He settled in the armchair and looked out the window.

“I’m sorry,” Cam said tiredly.

I turned the TV volume down and asked, “Where were you?” I tried to keep my tone neutral, but it still had an edge to it.

“I crashed at Kris’s place down the road,” he told the window.

I’d known the answer before he told me, but I’d wanted to see if he would tell me the truth. “Why?”

“Because I figured you didn’t want to see me, and he offered me his couch.” Cam’s tone was resigned and very quiet. He sipped his coffee, but his toast remained untouched.

“Well, you look like shit,” I spat, not bothering to hide my anger as it bubbled under the surface.

“I feel like shit.”

“Well, you better get yourself together, and soon. We’re meeting your parents and Beth for lunch, and if you go out looking like that, they’re going to know something’s wrong,”

Cam’s head dropped. “Something
is
wrong,” he muttered to the toast in his lap, his shoulders slumping lower.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat; seeing Cam like that made my heart ache. He was hungover, but there was more to it as well, a vulnerability he’d never shown me before. His normally bright eyes were now haunted and scared, and whatever bothered him seemed to go deeper than I first thought.

“I know,” I sighed.

The cab ride to the restaurant was filled with uncomfortable silence, awkward in a way we’d never had to deal with before. I looked out the window as the lump in my chest grew.

We arrived at the restaurant, and as we approached the table, everybody stood and greeted us with kisses and hugs. Cam sat next to me at the circular table, and while we looked over our menus, the chatter began. Don and Ellen talked about an upcoming vacation to Los Angeles so they could spend some more time with their daughter and granddaughter.

“Where is Bella?” I asked.

“She’s with the neighbors. Their granddaughter is visiting and they’re having a play date while the adults have lunch,” Beth replied, raising her wine glass and grinning. “I don’t get a lot of time to myself, so I take it when I can. Where’s Caroline? I haven’t had a chance to catch up with her yet.”

“She’s away with work, back tomorrow I think.”

It felt good to feel normal for a while, surrounded by family, and I enjoyed the small talk as Beth told us stories of her mothers’ group that she attended each week.

“I swear to god, Mom, all of the other mothers are shaped like sticks. All they talk about is what gym they’re a member of and what surgeon did their boobs.” Despite her husband’s job as senior executive of a concert promotion company, Beth wasn’t pretentious. She had a great sense of humor and was easy to like.

“Why do you hang around with those type of people? They’re not like your usual group of friends,” Ellen said.

“It’s good for a laugh, Mom. As Greg’s wife, I’m expected to be like them, with my nose in the air. I find the whole thing funny,” she laughed.

Beth looked at Cam, who was pushing his lunch around on the plate. “What’s going on with you, little brother?” Although he was sitting next to me, we didn’t touch like normal. We’d usually brush shoulders or his arm would be draped around the back of my seat. Right now he might as well have been on the other side of the table, if not the room.

“Not much, work is busy. We had a crew change last month.” Cam’s tone had a slight edge to it.

“What does that mean?” Beth asked curiously. “Days? Nights? What?”

“Means the same but with a different crew.”

“Some new people, then, not the same men you normally work with?” This came from Ellen. “Is there anything wrong with the new men? You don’t appear to be your normal self today, Cameron. Is someone upsetting you at work?”

“What? No, all the new guys are okay. There’s no problem at work.” Cam was uncomfortable with the questioning and he shifted in his seat.

I didn’t know what to do or say, so I focused on my food but my appetite had fled.

Ellen looked between us with a confused expression, but Don was busy eating his lunch, oblivious to the tension that had surrounded us like a heavy blanket.

“I’m a bit hungover, Mom, that’s all.”

Ellen seemed to be satisfied with that explanation, but Beth wasn’t as she caught my eye from across the table. She knew something was up, and she raised an eyebrow. I shook my head, hoping she got the message that now wasn’t the time to ask.

“Excuse me.” I made my way to the restroom before anyone asked another question.

Physically drained from lack of sleep and emotionally wrung out, I took my time as I washed my hands. I splashed my face with water, in the hope it would relieve some of my tiredness. I was in no hurry to return to the table.

The atmosphere hadn’t improved when I took my seat, except that there was an anger coming from Cam. Beth glared at her brother, and Ellen looked disappointed.

Even Don seemed to be out of his food stupor and looked at his son curiously. “Leave him be, Beth. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, he doesn’t have to. Cameron is big enough to sort out his own problems without you interfering.”

Beth didn’t look too happy to be told off by her dad, but there wasn’t a lot she could do about it.

The remainder of the meal passed with Ellen making idle chit-chat to ease the tension as Beth continued to glare at her brother. Don moved on to the wine and seemed happy to absorb it, but I could feel the anger radiating from Cam.

I was numb. And very tired.

We said our goodbyes outside the restaurant with hugs for Ellen and Beth and handshakes for Don.

Beth wrapped me in a hug and asked quietly, “You okay?”

“Yes. I’m fine, really,” I lied. I wanted to sit on the side of the street and bawl like a baby.

Cameron

I was pretty pissed off by the time we got out of the cab, and Jake’s mood just fed my anger. My face flushed, I slammed the front door behind me.

“Going to take off running now? Huh? That’s what you do when it gets tough, isn’t it?” I knew my anger was misplaced, but I couldn’t stop my tirade. “Why don’t you run over to Caroline’s so you can tell her everything that’s going on instead of staying here and talking to me? Maybe we can invite her into our bed, since she knows everything going on between us.”

Jake winced. I’d refused to answer Beth’s questions while Jake was in the bathroom at lunch, but Beth shrugged and said that it didn’t matter. Jake would tell Caroline, and Caroline would tell her. My blood boiled knowing that our problems were up for discussion.

I’d always been envious of Caroline’s relationship with Jake. She knew everything about him and he nearly always went to her when he needed advice. He came to me, but sometimes not until he had his answers and I was learning the outcome. Jake and Caroline were close and I couldn’t deny him his best friend, but I wanted to be the one he turned to. They worked in the same field and would often complain about a difficult client, using financial terms I had no idea about the meaning of, and I would inevitably feel left out. I loved Caroline, but there were times I wanted to strangle her, and Beth’s comments had my resentments rising to the surface.

I was itching for a fight, but the only person I wanted to fight with was myself. My outburst was unfair to Jake, and I knew it.

Jake’s head tilted, his eyes narrowing. “What the hell, Cam?” The vein in his temple throbbed. “What does Caroline have to do with anything?”

Here it comes.

Everything he wanted to yell this morning but didn’t was going to rain down on me.

“You have some nerve after last night. Kris was hanging on your every word, and you lapped it up. I saw the brushing of the shoulders and the little glances he sent your way. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice,” Jake yelled, pointing his finger at me.

Kris was doing
what
?

I was stunned into silence. Kris and I got along, but the guy was straight. Surely I would’ve noticed those things?

“And,” Jake continued, “me running? Yes, I run. You know that it clears my head, and with all this going on”—he waved a hand in the air—“I
need
to run so I can deal with you and the fact that you. Can’t. Look. At. Me!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I demanded, knocking his finger away. “Kris is one of the guys at the station. I don’t know him that well, but he’s straight. He lives with his girlfriend, for fuck’s sake.” I avoided the issue we
should
have been arguing about.

Slumping against the wall, Jake’s energy left him. “Well, he’s either lying to you—” He took a breath to calm himself. “—or he’s bi. It’s clear he wants you.”

Kris?
I didn’t see it.

“Regardless if he wants me or not,” I said, my voice quieter, “I don’t want him. Do you honestly think I would do that to you?” My chest tightened, hurt replacing anger. Surely Jake didn’t think that?

“Then why didn’t you come home?” Jake’s shoulders dropped farther. Our anger was dissipating, and his soft voice made my chest ache.

“Jesus, babe, I was so drunk I didn’t know what I was doing. It was easier to allow Kris to help me and pass out on his couch than to come home by myself. Hell, I don’t think I could stand by the end of the night. I… I couldn’t face you after knowing the hurt on your face was there because of me.”

“I never thought you would… you know, but what I saw last night made me think otherwise.” Jake’s tone wasn’t as harsh now, but it still had an edge to it. Not only had I hurt Jake, but now his trust in me had been compromised too. I felt physically ill. I wanted to be sick with what I’d done, and I had to fix it. Somehow.