Outing of the Heart (39 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
âWe've been seeing an obstetrician at the family planning centre in the Women's College Hospital. He's very nice,' Edina informed her.
âYou don't see a woman?' She was surprised.
âNo. Funnily enough, it seems fewer women specialize in obstetrics and gynaecology than men. You would really expect it to be the other way round, wouldn't you?' Milka told her.
âDo you see any problems arising from your being lesbian parents?'
âWe're not really into that issue.' This was Edina. âThey are mostly interested in my ability to raise a child as a single parent. Consequently this house, the neighborhood and my job, are what they are investigating. Then I have to go through a battery of psychological tests to ensure I'm a stable, reliable person. Or something like that.'
âYes. They don't want to know about me at all,' Milka observed, somewhat acidly. âPerhaps the stigma attached to same sex parenting is still too strong, even in the second millennium? Although why anyone could continue to think the traditional, nuclear family is so wonderful, I don't know. Judging from all the broken homes and homeless children around us, one could be forgiven for thinking it was rather a failure.' She looked gloomily down at her plate.
âCheer up Milka, the 21st. Century is bound to give us greater acceptance.' She tried to rally her friend.
âThe important thing is ⦠they let me go ahead with it.' Edina brought them back to the here and now.
âWhat about the donor? Do you get to choose? And will he have any entitlements?' She could see convoluted ramifications lying in wait for the unwary on this one.
âThat's another of the reasons why we'd like to take this route. The contracts have been very carefully worked out.'
âWell good luck to you both.' She raised her beer and drank the toast. âHey. If it's a boy, can I be godfather?' They broke into hearty laughter.
âYou'll have to get in line,' Milka informed her.
After dessert, they moved into to the living room. Edina wouldn't hear of washing up when they had such fleeting snatches of Sid's company. She was bursting to know about the new woman and could contain herself no longer. They each had a coffee and there were peppermint sticks.
Putting them in the picture, she did her best to describe Tenille without going over the top, but her friends could tell, just by the way she was talking, she was very involved. After all this they guessed the problem to be the difference in their ages. The shock was the greater when she finally told them she was falling in love with a Straight.
âI remember having crushes on girls at school who weren't gay, but then I was an innocent so they hardly count.'
A moment of silent reflection.
âWell, what do you think?'
âI don't know what to say,' Milka responded. Sidonie looked at Edina. She shrugged her shoulders.
Finally Milka gave her pronouncement. âI think it's doomed and you should turn your mind elsewhere.' Sidonie looked at her, horrified. The chop, just like that.
Edina considered this too harsh. âAre you sure she's not interested in women?'
âEddie, you should see her. She doesn't have anything about her that would strike you as Leso. She's been married. She's smitten by this dashingly handsome Spaniard who is all over her like a waterfall.' Milka shook her head again.
âNot good. You keep this up and you'll only land yourself in trouble, mark my words.'
âSo you think I should just stop dreaming about her?' the voice stricken with desolation; the sky blue eyes meltingly soft, as they looked pleadingly into Milka's for this not to be so. Edina felt her heart tugged by the sight of such distress. She turned to her partner.
âWould a compromise be possible?'
âWhat do you mean? Just talk on the phone. That would only prolong the agony and be more unkind.' Milka was apprehensive.
âWell, not so severe as that.' She turned to Sidonie. âJust cool it for a while; put a little distance between you. When would you be seeing her again?'
âMost likely Wednesday, at the gym.'
âGive Wednesday a miss. And perhaps the one after that. Let yourself settle and then see how you feel. It could be you've let things blow out.'
Milka was impressed: âYes, give yourself some time and space. It could be you're just letting your gonads run riot. Date someone else. Then see how you feel when you meet again. She may turn out to be less the paragon you imagine.'
She wasn't sure, but valued their advice and would give it a try.
âAnd if I find I don't feel any different toward her â¦?'
âWe'll cross that bridge ⦠if and when.' Milka was firm.
âOh, Milka, why does everything have to be so complicated for us? The Straights never have this problem â only whether they like each other or they don't. You can't go around asking women if they're lesbian.'
âStraights have their problems too.' Edina corrected. They both looked at her. âWell ⦠“Is he married?” or ⦠“Is she not telling me the truth?”'
âI suppose you're right, Eddie,' Sidonie sighed. âI guess I just feel hard done by right now.'
Milka gave her a pat on the back. âYou'll get over it, Kiddo. It seems so big at the moment, but time will give you a perspective.'
âYes, I know you're right. I'll give the plan a fair go. See how things work out.'
Time for her to leave. It would be a long journey home from one end of the city to the other. Three cheers for the Trans Canada Highway. The parting was brief, but mingled with promises to be in touch soon.
âCall us any time you're going through a bad patch,' Edina urged, as they kissed goodbye.
Driving home Sidonie thought over what her friends had advised. It had all sounded so good when she was there, now she feared, on her own, she could break down. She wanted to spend time with Tenille so much. There was a feeling she experienced in her company. She couldn't define it, but somehow she was more real to herself and this self-awareness made her feel good. Good to be alive: good to be female and yes. Good to be butch. Here was a slight opening of the window, just a crack, allowing a brief insight into her sexual power. This awareness was more positive, more keenly honed when she was with Tenille. It brought in its wake a trove of sensual feeling.
“Now why would that obtain, when I'm not at all sure she's interested in women?
” she mused. Could there be something emanating from her which reinforced her butchness?
“Surely, if she's straight then this cannot be.”
Or could it?
She was so confused; her mind could find no peace, her thoughts too chaotic and elusive. All she knew for sure was this woman had an attraction so powerful, she felt helpless to resist. Even though she knew no good would come of messing with a Straight.
This feeling of helplessness was new to Sidonie. The driver's seat was hers when it came to affairs. She had never had a problem acting decisively; would either go after what she wanted or, alternatively, would reject the advances, albeit gently, but nonetheless firmly.
This time there were no advances. Tenille had not made one remark that she could remember, giving any indication of wanting more than friendship. She was purely and simply the most wonderful, generous, most desirable woman she had ever known. Hell's teeth. This wasn't building her resolve to give her a wide berth, just the opposite.
When she was a student, the only girl she had kept going with had been Karen. She had seen how she needed not only a lover, but a helper too. She had fulfilled those roles. Unfortunately, Karen had not for her. She had been a good friend and she wished, looking back, she hadn't had to be the cause of so much distress. She negotiated her turn-off and asked herself what else she could have done? She couldn't live a lie, not even for Karen. Surely it had been better to face the truth then, than have the relationship deteriorate into a battleground of hurt pride or worse, a wasteland of recrimination and revenge. She let out a deep sigh. People and their emotions, their needs, their dependencies; they were all so convoluted and the worst of it was, they never stayed the same.
“What we want today ⦠we may not want tomorrow.”
But the wanting was strong for all that. It was difficult. Perhaps this was why she found it so much easier to deal with animals. With them she knew where she was. They were consistent in their needs and their loyalties unquestioning.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
Tenille was annoyed. She had missed her connection and at High Park, had arrived at the barrier just a second too late and missed that train too. This was the first time she would be late and felt guilty about it. When she entered the studio they stopped and everyone's eyes turned towards her. There were several looks of disapproval at disrupting a session in progress. She guessed they'd waited. It was worse today because they were working on new material. Raoul was choreographing a dance to Asturias. It was to be a show number designed especially for the non-Spanish people in the audience. Now they would have to backtrack for her. A most uncomfortable situation, but she had made this particular bed â¦
Raoul clapped his hands. âTake five, people.' He went over to Tenille. She stumbled through apologies, believing him to be quite put out, since he had gone so far as to stop the proceedings and come over to her. However, it was not so. He told her not to look so worried. He would review what they had covered today at their Tuesday session. He had confidence in her and they would make a great duo. âI think we will keep going as we are for the next few Saturdays.'
At this moment he took advantage of her surprise and planted a firm kiss directly on her lips. He then put his arm around her waist and walked her over to where the others were sitting, drinking from their various bottles. He kept her close.
âRemember, Raoul I'm booked for the next two Saturdays, with Caravan,' she reminded him. âWill you still want me in July?'
âMost definitely,' he was very positive. âAmaia can dance the two you're away, but I think those will probably have to be her last. Yes, that'll work fine.' He looked at her deeply. âDon't go running off so fast next time, Tenille. The band plays good dance music.'
They resumed their places and time flew. When they'd gone through everything and were changing, Tenille asked Devon if she'd have a coffee. âOr do you have to rush away?'
She had taken Devon by surprise. This was a turn-about from last night, but she was pleased to go with her. They just popped round the corner to The Senator and once settled, Devon asked how things were going. Not waiting for an answer she continued archly: âPretty good by the looks of it,' taking a long draw from her cigarette, happy at this turn of events. The young girl showing up like that had given her an unexpected jolt.
Tenille put her cup down. âDevon, it's Raoul. I can't do this; play along with him. He's developing a monopolizing attitude toward me.' Devon, enjoying her smoke, just looked steadily back.
âI thought perhaps you could come back to our weeknight sessions?'
This was sounding better and better.
âIt's Tuesday now.' She looked wistfully at her. âYou could use it as your practise time and it would keep him off me.'
âWell Ten, it only might keep him off you, as you put it. I'm not sure my presence would prevent him from pursuing his objective â¦' She blew a lazy smoke ring: â â¦To put it bluntly, to become your lover.' Her green eyes regarded her from beneath shuttered lids, giving nothing away.
âYes. I think that is the real reason he's giving me so much of his time.' She shrugged her shoulders, dismissively. âOh, he says things like, I'm âtalented' and âa natural dancer', but really, I think that's just a cover up.'
âWell, I told you, if he has the hots for you, then it's to your advantage and you should go along with it.'
âI can't do that Dev. I know he's handsome, but he's not what I want.'
Devon took a deep breath. âWhat do you want, Ten? Do you want us to get back together? You know how I feel about you â¦' The pause was heavily weighted.
âIt's not that, Dev. I don't want any relationship. I just want to dance. I feel it; I could go far with this. Mother thinks it's pie in the sky, but I truly feel I've got something and Saturday reinforced it. But I need to concentrate. I don't want to be distracted. You do understand, don't you?' An imploring look. âHere at last, is my chance to do something I really love. The last thing I need is all these demands on my emotions.'
âOkay, okay, I get the picture ⦠and far be it from me to be yet another demand on you.' The green eyes had darkened and glittered like faceted emeralds.
âOh, Devon. Please. Don't take it like that,' she pleaded. âI don't want to hurt you. Try to understand, can't you?' She was beginning to feel fraught. Devon was being over sensitive. She wanted her on her side. âIt's not personal against you. It's just this time in my life. I have too much else on. Please Dev â¦.'
âThen who's this new friend in your life?' she shot back, accusingly.
Tenille was pulled up short. So it was true. That was why she had said those things. She was jealous. Well, that was ridiculous. There was no need to be, Sidonie was just ⦠was just ⦠well Sidonie. She sat silent for a moment.
âShe's just someone who has helped me at the gym. When she heard I was doing a show at the Sancho Panza, she expressed an interest to see what Flamenco was all about.'
âExpressed an interest all right,' she bit back. âCouldn't take her eyes off of you. She positively scowled when you were slow dancing in Raoul's arms.' Tenille's eyebrows shot up in surprise. âOh yes. I saw how she was feeling. Didn't like it one bit. And why would that be if she's âjust a friend'?' the sarcastic voice continued: âAnswer me that, if you know so much,' stubbing out her butt with jerky, angry jabs.
âYou don't see a woman?' She was surprised.
âNo. Funnily enough, it seems fewer women specialize in obstetrics and gynaecology than men. You would really expect it to be the other way round, wouldn't you?' Milka told her.
âDo you see any problems arising from your being lesbian parents?'
âWe're not really into that issue.' This was Edina. âThey are mostly interested in my ability to raise a child as a single parent. Consequently this house, the neighborhood and my job, are what they are investigating. Then I have to go through a battery of psychological tests to ensure I'm a stable, reliable person. Or something like that.'
âYes. They don't want to know about me at all,' Milka observed, somewhat acidly. âPerhaps the stigma attached to same sex parenting is still too strong, even in the second millennium? Although why anyone could continue to think the traditional, nuclear family is so wonderful, I don't know. Judging from all the broken homes and homeless children around us, one could be forgiven for thinking it was rather a failure.' She looked gloomily down at her plate.
âCheer up Milka, the 21st. Century is bound to give us greater acceptance.' She tried to rally her friend.
âThe important thing is ⦠they let me go ahead with it.' Edina brought them back to the here and now.
âWhat about the donor? Do you get to choose? And will he have any entitlements?' She could see convoluted ramifications lying in wait for the unwary on this one.
âThat's another of the reasons why we'd like to take this route. The contracts have been very carefully worked out.'
âWell good luck to you both.' She raised her beer and drank the toast. âHey. If it's a boy, can I be godfather?' They broke into hearty laughter.
âYou'll have to get in line,' Milka informed her.
After dessert, they moved into to the living room. Edina wouldn't hear of washing up when they had such fleeting snatches of Sid's company. She was bursting to know about the new woman and could contain herself no longer. They each had a coffee and there were peppermint sticks.
Putting them in the picture, she did her best to describe Tenille without going over the top, but her friends could tell, just by the way she was talking, she was very involved. After all this they guessed the problem to be the difference in their ages. The shock was the greater when she finally told them she was falling in love with a Straight.
âI remember having crushes on girls at school who weren't gay, but then I was an innocent so they hardly count.'
A moment of silent reflection.
âWell, what do you think?'
âI don't know what to say,' Milka responded. Sidonie looked at Edina. She shrugged her shoulders.
Finally Milka gave her pronouncement. âI think it's doomed and you should turn your mind elsewhere.' Sidonie looked at her, horrified. The chop, just like that.
Edina considered this too harsh. âAre you sure she's not interested in women?'
âEddie, you should see her. She doesn't have anything about her that would strike you as Leso. She's been married. She's smitten by this dashingly handsome Spaniard who is all over her like a waterfall.' Milka shook her head again.
âNot good. You keep this up and you'll only land yourself in trouble, mark my words.'
âSo you think I should just stop dreaming about her?' the voice stricken with desolation; the sky blue eyes meltingly soft, as they looked pleadingly into Milka's for this not to be so. Edina felt her heart tugged by the sight of such distress. She turned to her partner.
âWould a compromise be possible?'
âWhat do you mean? Just talk on the phone. That would only prolong the agony and be more unkind.' Milka was apprehensive.
âWell, not so severe as that.' She turned to Sidonie. âJust cool it for a while; put a little distance between you. When would you be seeing her again?'
âMost likely Wednesday, at the gym.'
âGive Wednesday a miss. And perhaps the one after that. Let yourself settle and then see how you feel. It could be you've let things blow out.'
Milka was impressed: âYes, give yourself some time and space. It could be you're just letting your gonads run riot. Date someone else. Then see how you feel when you meet again. She may turn out to be less the paragon you imagine.'
She wasn't sure, but valued their advice and would give it a try.
âAnd if I find I don't feel any different toward her â¦?'
âWe'll cross that bridge ⦠if and when.' Milka was firm.
âOh, Milka, why does everything have to be so complicated for us? The Straights never have this problem â only whether they like each other or they don't. You can't go around asking women if they're lesbian.'
âStraights have their problems too.' Edina corrected. They both looked at her. âWell ⦠“Is he married?” or ⦠“Is she not telling me the truth?”'
âI suppose you're right, Eddie,' Sidonie sighed. âI guess I just feel hard done by right now.'
Milka gave her a pat on the back. âYou'll get over it, Kiddo. It seems so big at the moment, but time will give you a perspective.'
âYes, I know you're right. I'll give the plan a fair go. See how things work out.'
Time for her to leave. It would be a long journey home from one end of the city to the other. Three cheers for the Trans Canada Highway. The parting was brief, but mingled with promises to be in touch soon.
âCall us any time you're going through a bad patch,' Edina urged, as they kissed goodbye.
Driving home Sidonie thought over what her friends had advised. It had all sounded so good when she was there, now she feared, on her own, she could break down. She wanted to spend time with Tenille so much. There was a feeling she experienced in her company. She couldn't define it, but somehow she was more real to herself and this self-awareness made her feel good. Good to be alive: good to be female and yes. Good to be butch. Here was a slight opening of the window, just a crack, allowing a brief insight into her sexual power. This awareness was more positive, more keenly honed when she was with Tenille. It brought in its wake a trove of sensual feeling.
“Now why would that obtain, when I'm not at all sure she's interested in women?
” she mused. Could there be something emanating from her which reinforced her butchness?
“Surely, if she's straight then this cannot be.”
Or could it?
She was so confused; her mind could find no peace, her thoughts too chaotic and elusive. All she knew for sure was this woman had an attraction so powerful, she felt helpless to resist. Even though she knew no good would come of messing with a Straight.
This feeling of helplessness was new to Sidonie. The driver's seat was hers when it came to affairs. She had never had a problem acting decisively; would either go after what she wanted or, alternatively, would reject the advances, albeit gently, but nonetheless firmly.
This time there were no advances. Tenille had not made one remark that she could remember, giving any indication of wanting more than friendship. She was purely and simply the most wonderful, generous, most desirable woman she had ever known. Hell's teeth. This wasn't building her resolve to give her a wide berth, just the opposite.
When she was a student, the only girl she had kept going with had been Karen. She had seen how she needed not only a lover, but a helper too. She had fulfilled those roles. Unfortunately, Karen had not for her. She had been a good friend and she wished, looking back, she hadn't had to be the cause of so much distress. She negotiated her turn-off and asked herself what else she could have done? She couldn't live a lie, not even for Karen. Surely it had been better to face the truth then, than have the relationship deteriorate into a battleground of hurt pride or worse, a wasteland of recrimination and revenge. She let out a deep sigh. People and their emotions, their needs, their dependencies; they were all so convoluted and the worst of it was, they never stayed the same.
“What we want today ⦠we may not want tomorrow.”
But the wanting was strong for all that. It was difficult. Perhaps this was why she found it so much easier to deal with animals. With them she knew where she was. They were consistent in their needs and their loyalties unquestioning.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
Tenille was annoyed. She had missed her connection and at High Park, had arrived at the barrier just a second too late and missed that train too. This was the first time she would be late and felt guilty about it. When she entered the studio they stopped and everyone's eyes turned towards her. There were several looks of disapproval at disrupting a session in progress. She guessed they'd waited. It was worse today because they were working on new material. Raoul was choreographing a dance to Asturias. It was to be a show number designed especially for the non-Spanish people in the audience. Now they would have to backtrack for her. A most uncomfortable situation, but she had made this particular bed â¦
Raoul clapped his hands. âTake five, people.' He went over to Tenille. She stumbled through apologies, believing him to be quite put out, since he had gone so far as to stop the proceedings and come over to her. However, it was not so. He told her not to look so worried. He would review what they had covered today at their Tuesday session. He had confidence in her and they would make a great duo. âI think we will keep going as we are for the next few Saturdays.'
At this moment he took advantage of her surprise and planted a firm kiss directly on her lips. He then put his arm around her waist and walked her over to where the others were sitting, drinking from their various bottles. He kept her close.
âRemember, Raoul I'm booked for the next two Saturdays, with Caravan,' she reminded him. âWill you still want me in July?'
âMost definitely,' he was very positive. âAmaia can dance the two you're away, but I think those will probably have to be her last. Yes, that'll work fine.' He looked at her deeply. âDon't go running off so fast next time, Tenille. The band plays good dance music.'
They resumed their places and time flew. When they'd gone through everything and were changing, Tenille asked Devon if she'd have a coffee. âOr do you have to rush away?'
She had taken Devon by surprise. This was a turn-about from last night, but she was pleased to go with her. They just popped round the corner to The Senator and once settled, Devon asked how things were going. Not waiting for an answer she continued archly: âPretty good by the looks of it,' taking a long draw from her cigarette, happy at this turn of events. The young girl showing up like that had given her an unexpected jolt.
Tenille put her cup down. âDevon, it's Raoul. I can't do this; play along with him. He's developing a monopolizing attitude toward me.' Devon, enjoying her smoke, just looked steadily back.
âI thought perhaps you could come back to our weeknight sessions?'
This was sounding better and better.
âIt's Tuesday now.' She looked wistfully at her. âYou could use it as your practise time and it would keep him off me.'
âWell Ten, it only might keep him off you, as you put it. I'm not sure my presence would prevent him from pursuing his objective â¦' She blew a lazy smoke ring: â â¦To put it bluntly, to become your lover.' Her green eyes regarded her from beneath shuttered lids, giving nothing away.
âYes. I think that is the real reason he's giving me so much of his time.' She shrugged her shoulders, dismissively. âOh, he says things like, I'm âtalented' and âa natural dancer', but really, I think that's just a cover up.'
âWell, I told you, if he has the hots for you, then it's to your advantage and you should go along with it.'
âI can't do that Dev. I know he's handsome, but he's not what I want.'
Devon took a deep breath. âWhat do you want, Ten? Do you want us to get back together? You know how I feel about you â¦' The pause was heavily weighted.
âIt's not that, Dev. I don't want any relationship. I just want to dance. I feel it; I could go far with this. Mother thinks it's pie in the sky, but I truly feel I've got something and Saturday reinforced it. But I need to concentrate. I don't want to be distracted. You do understand, don't you?' An imploring look. âHere at last, is my chance to do something I really love. The last thing I need is all these demands on my emotions.'
âOkay, okay, I get the picture ⦠and far be it from me to be yet another demand on you.' The green eyes had darkened and glittered like faceted emeralds.
âOh, Devon. Please. Don't take it like that,' she pleaded. âI don't want to hurt you. Try to understand, can't you?' She was beginning to feel fraught. Devon was being over sensitive. She wanted her on her side. âIt's not personal against you. It's just this time in my life. I have too much else on. Please Dev â¦.'
âThen who's this new friend in your life?' she shot back, accusingly.
Tenille was pulled up short. So it was true. That was why she had said those things. She was jealous. Well, that was ridiculous. There was no need to be, Sidonie was just ⦠was just ⦠well Sidonie. She sat silent for a moment.
âShe's just someone who has helped me at the gym. When she heard I was doing a show at the Sancho Panza, she expressed an interest to see what Flamenco was all about.'
âExpressed an interest all right,' she bit back. âCouldn't take her eyes off of you. She positively scowled when you were slow dancing in Raoul's arms.' Tenille's eyebrows shot up in surprise. âOh yes. I saw how she was feeling. Didn't like it one bit. And why would that be if she's âjust a friend'?' the sarcastic voice continued: âAnswer me that, if you know so much,' stubbing out her butt with jerky, angry jabs.
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